Writer's Note - Well, I can't include EVERY episode of Red Dwarf but I've (hopefully) chosen the best ones that can be Sonic-ified...if that's a word. Some of the episodes may also be switched round slightly (for example Red Dwarf episode 5 turns out to be episode 3 of the Sonic Red Dwarf series) but all dialogue is straight from the Red Dwarf series with only minor tweaks here and there for obvious reasons so as to fit within the Sonic universe. Another obvious point to make is that, of course, Sonic and co. are all going to be OOC as they are now the characters from the Red Dwarf series (remember, this is only a parody so please don't be mad!)

- Duma

EPISODE 1 - "The End"

The space mining vessel known as Red Dwarf was on a lengthy tour of space, it's purpose to find harvesting material from other planets seeing as Mobius was almost dry. They lived in an age when humans and Mobians co-existed in harmony and worked together to achieve common goals.

Down one of the hallways came two hedgehogs, one leading, the other pushing a maintenance trolley in front of him. The first was dark coloured with red flecks on his quills, handsome in appearance but with such a smarmy, proud expression on his face, reeking of so much vanity and self-importance, that it made your stomach turn over. Behind him, singing merrily, followed a hedgehog that was cobalt blue, bright eyed and also handsome, but with a completely opposite feel, that being one who had clearly spent his lifetime lazing around, disregarding morals and generally becoming a certified 'bum'. These were Shadow and Sonic, the Hedgehogs, creatures that often made their human Captain wish that he had nothing to do with walking, talking animals. As they walked on their way, Sonic still singing, one could easily determine the nature of their relationship by simply watching and listening to them.
"Sonic," Shadow murmured dryly, "have you ever been hit over the head with a welding mallet? No? Well shut up then!" Rolling his eyes, Sonic resigned himself to the sorry fact that he was stuck with the one creature on this ship that he couldn't stand and that equally couldn't stand him. "Right, Corridor 159..." Shadow began, scribbling down notes in his notepad as they stopped in front of a food dispenser. Sonic came along with the trolley, humming his previous song. "Sonic, shut up!" Shadow cried, staring at him in disbelief, really hoping that the blue twit wasn't going to be pushing his buttons today - a fruitless hope, really.
"I'm only humming," Sonic whined.
"Well don't!" Shadow snapped back, returning to his notebook. Unfortunately for Shadow, Sonic had discovered he was deliciously easy to wind up and, with a sparkle of mischief in his green eyes, he lifted his hands and began to slap out a rhythm on his cheeks. "Sonic, don't hum and don't make any stupid sounds with your cheeks." So Sonic began clicking his tongue instead. "Sonic, one more sound of ANYTHING and you're on report, mi-laddo." This was accompanied by a finger waggle. "Now, what job number is this?"
Sonic just couldn't understand it when Shadow flipped out after he tried mouthing that he wasn't allowed to make a sound. He was even more put out when Shadow filled out a report form against him for 'Obstructing a superior technician by humming, clicking and being quiet.'

Shadow had always said that he wasn't always going to be where he was; he dreamt of passing his engineering exam although Sonic was sceptical.
"You won't do that 'cause you'll just go in there and flunk again," he said later on, walking back down the corridor.
"Sonic," Shadow tutted, "last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins."
"You walked in there and wrote 'I am a fish' 400 times, did a funny little dance and fainted."
"That's a total lie!"
"No it's not, Tails told me."
"No it's not, Tails told me," Shadow imitated with a whine, "If you MUST know, what I did was that I wrote a discourse on reverse circuits that was too radical, too unconventional, too mould-breaking for the examiner's to accept."
"Yeah," Sonic nodded, "You said you were a fish."

This was how Sonic and Shadow functioned. They were bunkmates, sharing the same room, smothering one another every minute of the day having been lumped together as working partners. In Shadow's own words, they were 'the lowest of the low'; their task on Red Dwarf was to shuffle around the corridors, making sure all the vending machines weren't out of Kitkats and Crunchies. Their current argument was cut short, however, when Rotor Walrus approached them with a clipboard in his hand. Shadow immediately saluted grandly as Sonic grinned.

"Ah, now Shadow," he greeted, "I was just going through the artifacts and I see you've filed 247 complaints...against Sonic."
The look of utter smug-ness could not have been found on the biggest Teacher's Pet in the universe. "Yes sir," Shadow smirked.
"That's 123 counts of insulting a superior technician, 39 counts of deriliction of duty, 84 counts of general insubordination and 1 count of mutiny."
"Yes, Sir," Shaodw confirmed, still smirking.
Rotor glanced up at the blue hedgehog questioningly. "Mutiny, Sonic?"
"Yeah, I stood on his toe," Sonic nodded, tucking into a chili dog that he had managed to snaffle from the cook who had a soft spot for him.
"Maliciously and with intent to wound," Shadow immediately snarled.
"It was an accident!" Sonic protested.
"I put it to you," Shadow sighed, "How is it possible to stand on one small toe by accident? You didn't stand on my toe at all, you stood on my entire paw, thereby obstructing a superior technician in pursuit of vital duty!"
"The vital duty was that he was going to snap my guitar in half!"
"Whereupon you leapt from the top bunk onto the whole of my right paw!"
"All right, that's enough," Rotor interrupted, shaking his head. He'd had to deal with the two hedgehogs on more accounts than he'd like to count.
"Had it been a crisis situation, Sonic," Shadow went on, "I'd have had to perform my duties hopping! Clearly putting the ship at risk and clearly, therefore, mutiny."
"...Finished?" Rotor sighed at Shadow, folding his arms across his chest.

He wasn't.

"However I'm not a vindictive man so I don't intend to apply for the death penalty."

Now he was finished.

"There are 169 people on board this ship," Rotor told them, "You, Shadow, are over one hedgehog - why can't you two get on?"
"Y'see, I try, Sir," Sonic explained, "I'm not an insubordinate man by nature. I try and respect Shadow and everything but it's not easy 'cause he's such a Smeg Head!"
Shadow stared at him, affronted. "Did you hear that, Sir?" he gasped, "Sonic, do you have any conceptions on the penalty for describing a superior technician as a Smeg Head?"
It was Rotor Walrus who answered that by laughing. "Oh, Shadow!" he chuckled, clapping him on the shoulder, "You are a Smeg Head."

Tensions may have been a little strained on Red Dwarf for it so turned out that the crew were mourning a death. One of the officers, a human named George Mackintire, had passed away after a lengthy fight with a genetic disease. Sonic and Shadow were milling in their room when his ashes were sent out into space, his final song request 'See you later Alligator' singing out throughout the ship.
"There goes Mackintire," Sonic sighed from the top bunk, peering out the window, "Bye George. That was George." He pushed himself away from the window and hung his head down over the bunk.
"Really?" Shadow drolled sarcastically, not looking up at him, "I thought it was Mary Queen of Scots." George's funeral was being filmed for the rest of the crew to see but the screen went dead as Shadow ordered it off.
"Hey, I was watching that!" Sonic complained.
"Tough." For as much as Sonic looked for ways to wind up Shadow, so too did Shadow seek ways to make Sonic's life a misery. Holding back the urge to reach down and yank out a dark quill, Sonic sought to vent his frustration elsewhere. "You touch that guitar, Sonic..." Shadow threatened, "I'll remove the E string and gerot you with it."
"Can I do anything?" the blue hedgehog growled, leaning back over, "Is it okay if I breathe? Can I breathe!?" He then let out a very long, over-exaggurated breath on top of Shadow's head.
The darker hedgehog jumped to his feet with a glare. "Sonic, I have an exam tomorrow which I intend to pass," he complained.
"Yeah, by cheating," Sonic sniggered, nodding to where Shadow was trying to write the answers down on the soft pink pads of his paws.
Mobian animals, the ones that walked and talked as humans did, often wore gloves in order to hide their claws as a way of being civilised and less threatening - so Shadow was sure that any writings would be well hidden. "This is not cheating," he retorted, however, "It is merely an aid to memory, helps me marshal the facts that are already at my command."
"You're just copying the entire text book onto the skin of your body - why don't you hand your body in and let them mark that?"
"Sonic, do you think it's easy for someone like me to become an officer?" Shadow asked witheringly, "Someone who wasn't academy educated? Somone who didn't have the right nobby background? Someone who didn't have the right parents?"
"Didn't have the right parents?" Sonic repeated, surprised, "Whose parents did you have?"
"MY parents, the wrong parents."
"I'm just saying though," Sonic sighed, settling himself back on his bunk, "If you can't pass fair and square, why bother?"
"Well you would, Sonic, because you've got no ambition, no drive - you're perfectly content to be the lowest rank on this ship."
"I'm NOT the lowest rank on this ship! What about the laboratory mice?" Sonic smiled proudly, "If I tell those mice to do something, they jump to it: 'Yes, Mr Sonic, Sir! Eee eee eee!'"
Shadow shook his head, almost sympathetically. "Sonic, you are a nothing," he told him.
"I'm not a nothing! I've got my plan," Sonic told him sharply. "What's that? The plan to get through the entire film of 'The Fox and The Hound' without crying?"
"No, my 5 year plan. You see I'm going to do 2 more trips, I've been saving up all my pay..."
"Since when?"
"Since always. That's why I never buy any tick remover or flea powder or anything like that. Anyway I'm going to have a little farm on South Island, I'm going to have a sheep and a cow and breed horses."
"...With a sheep and a cow?"
"No, with horses and horses."
"On South Island?"
"Yeah, the prices there are unbelievable."
"Yes, because they had a volcanic eruption and now most of South Island is three feet below sea level."
Sonic looked thoughtful for a moment. "It's only three feet, they can wade. So I suppose the animals are going to have to be quite tall."
"Nice plan, Sonic, excellent plan, brilliant plan!" said Shadow sarcastically, "What about the sheep? What are you going to do, buy water wings? Give them stilts? Better yet, you can cross breed them with dolphins and have leaping mutton!" Shadow then bounced his pen up and down, baa-ing and splashing, "You'll be the first person to produce wet-look knitwear."
"This is why I never ever said anything to you," Sonic huffed, lying on his bed in a sulk, "'Cause I knew you'd say something like this!"
"Sonic, you've got the brain of a cheese sandwhich," Shadow smirked and then pretended to swim across the room. "Mornin' Farmer Sonic," he sang in a Somerset accent, as he 'swam' past the bed, "Jus' poppin' down t' th' shops in me submarine, can I buy you anythin'?"

Later on, the Red Dwarf crew held a special 'Welcome Back' party for George Mackintire to which everyone was invited.

Shadow sat alone, hating everyone he was stuck on board with, while Sonic went and milled with his friends on another table. They were laughing and joking and playing stupid trick games with one another while Shadow looked on and sneered. Sonic's closest friend, a little fox called Tails, was always egging him in these things, probably encouraging Sonic to make more problems for Shadow. Just then Captain Robotnik stood up at the head table with a drink in hand. Everyone quietened as he began his speech.
"Folks, today is a day of both sadness and joy. Sadness for the passing away of George and joy, because George is back with us, albeit his hologram." At the Captain's side sat George Mackintire, smiling shyly, looking just as he had always done whlie he had been alive. The only difference about him was that he now sported a silver letter 'H' on his forehead. "Now some of you might not have travelled with a hologram before so I ask you treat him as a normal man because he is, in every respect, like George," Captain Robotnik went on, "He has George's personality, George's knowledge, memories and experience. Of course he can't lift anything or touch anything so I ask you to cooperate with his requests and please take every care not to walk through him, not even when you're in a hurry - thank you." George was then called for a speech, to which he did, proving that he WAS indeed George, every bit like him in every way.
"...As you know," he said at the end of his speech, "Knuckles is only capable of sustaining one hologram so, my advice to anyone more vital to the mission than me is, if you die, I'll kill you." Another laugh and a round of applause from everyone.

Knuckles was the name of the Red Dwarf's Master Computer which ran the entire ship. It stood for 'Navigational Unix Computer and Life-Support Engineering System' - the letter K's were silent. He often showed himself around the ship by appearing on screen montiers: a good-looking red echidna, thought to be one of the oldest species of Mobian.
After the cutting of the cake (which the Captain had to do since George couldn't touch anything), Captain Robotnik made another announcement. "Just one thing before the disco," he said, "Knuckles tell's me that he's sensed a non-Mobian lifeform aboard."
"Sir, it's Shadow!" Sonic called out, prompting everyone to laugh again.
"We don't know what it is," the Captain sighed, glaring at the blue hedgehog, "So just be careful, okay?"
With that, the party was ajourned.

The very next day, Shadow was sat, going over the notes on his four paws.

"F. I. S. H.," Sonic commented, watching him from his bed, "That's how you spell 'fish'. Then you just need to keel over. I'm sure it will all come flooding back to you."
"De-quill yourself, Sonic," Shadow snorted, using an old-fashioned hedgehog insult. There was a low hum over the intercom.
"Will entrants for the Engineers Examination now make their way to the Teaching Room," Knuckles announced. Shadow pulled on his jacket and trousers, zipping himself up.
"Honestly, Shadow, good luck," Sonic sighed and the last thing Sonic saw of him was his pleased face and his little black tail wagging from side to side behind him as he swept from the room.
After he had gone, Sonic waited a couple more seconds before shutting and locking the door. He then cautiously climbed down from his bunk and pricked his ears to listen for sounds of returning footsteps.

There weren't any.

Smiling delightedly, Sonic rubbed his hands together and, still with an ear still on standby, quietly pulled out a cold hotdog from the bread bin and tiptoed over to his personal cupboard.
"Jules?" he whispered, slowly opening the cupboard door and moving aside some of his jackets, "Hey? Come on buddy."
From the bottom of the cupboard, a little snuffle greeted him and a pair of beady eyes blinked up. Sonic reached in and lifted the little creature out, revealing a rather fat, rather sleepy, brown hedgehog. "Come get your food," Sonic smiled fondly, offering the meat to the small animal which ate it hungrily, giving a snuffle of pleasure.

The Drive Room was a hub of activity when Sonic entered, with the robotic Scutters milling about and the crew going about their business. Over at one of the desks sat a pretty pink hedgehog: Amy Rose, or Rosy to her friends.

Amy was a high-ranking officer and he was just a low-ranking technician; Shadow had often told him that his chances of scoring with her were lower than his actual rank on the ship but that had never stopped him from flirting with her whenever he could spare a few seconds.
"Hi!" Sonic grinned, leaning over her chair, "Where's the Captain's Office?" Amy looked round and giggled.
"Over there where it says 'Captain's Office', where it's always said 'Captain's Office'," she replied with a smile.
Sonic may not have had a prominent position on Red Dwarf, but what he did have was charm and a handsome face and, despite herself, Amy Rose thought he was sweet. "So THAT'S the Captain's Office..." Sonic commented to himself and then flashed her another sweet smile, "So how are you then?" he asked.
"Fine," Amy responded simply, turning back to her work to hide her blush.
"Do you know what he wants to see me for?" Sonic went on, leaning closer.
"Yes," Amy grinned, "I think you've been promoted to admiral." Even she could flirt when she wanted to.
"Oh yeah?" Sonic's voice lowered.
"Yeah," Amy whispered back, "for your diligence and general devotion to duty." She leant back in her chair so that their faces were only centimeters apart.
"Sonic!" the Captain called, interrupting the moment. He beckoned the blue hedgehog with one finger as he bid farewell to Amy and shuffled inside the room.
"You asked to see me, Captain?" Sonic sighed, slouching in front of the desk.
"Where's the hedgehog?" the Captain asked. Sonic's ears pricked.
"Which hedgehog, sir?" he answered nervously, "Shadow's doing his exam and Scourge is..."
"Sonic," the Captain interrupted as he sat down, "not only are you so stupid that you bring aboard an unquarantined animal and jeoprodise every man and woman on board this ship - not only that - but you take a photograph of yourself WITH the hedgehog and sent it to be processed in the Ship's lab. Now I'm going to ask you again: do you have a hedgehog?"
"No," Sonic replied flatly.
"Have you got a hedgehog?" the Captain pressed, holding up a photograph of Sonic and a little fat hedgehog.
"...Yes, that one," Sonic groaned, upset.
"Where'd you get it?"
Sonic hung his head in shame. "...Archie Moon, two planets back," he sighed.
"Don't you realise that thing could be carrying anything?" the Captain told him, "Sonic, a loose animal on board this ship could get anywhere, it could get into the air ducts, it could get into Knuckles. A little nibble here and a little nibble there, Sonic, and before you know it we're flying backwards. Now I want that hedgehog and I want it now!"
"Sir," Sonic murmured, clearing his throat, "Just suppose, I did have a hedgehog - a primitive one, you know - just suppose... What would you do with Jules?"
"I'd send it down to the medical centre and I'd have it cut up and have tests run on it," came the reply.
Sonic paused. "...Would you put it back together when you're finished?"
"Sonic, that hedgehog will be dead."
"So with respect, Sir, what's in it for the hedgehog?"
"Sonic, give me that hedgehog!"
"It's not as easy as that!" Sonic wailed, finally breaking down, "It's mine! He's my best mate, besides Tails. He's going to be coming with me when we get back to Mobius. It's my plan and no-one can get in the way of it, not even you. And I do respect you... Sir."
The Captain could see the anguish in the Mobian hedgehog's face and he shook his head. "Sonic, do you want to go into stasis for the rest of the trip and forfeit 18 months wages?" he asked with a sigh.
"No," Sonic replied.
"Do you want to hand over that hedgehog?"
"No!"
The Captain gave him a steely look. "Choose."

The expression on Sonic's face was a mixture of stubborn pride and shame.

"No-one wants to go through with this," Rotor said comfortingly as he escorted Sonic towards the Stasis chambers.
"It's okay, I can handle it," Sonic cast off lightly, but then stopped as two doctors came along with a stretcher. Lying on top was a serene looking Shadow, eyes closed, breathing gently. "Shadow, are you allright?" Sonic asked, worriedly.
Clearly, he had passed out during his exam - again. "I can't really remember," Shadow murmured weakly, "I think I did quite well." He was then wheeled off as Rotor prepared the pod.
"Is this gonna hurt?" Sonic asked cautiously, squinting through the glass window of the door.
"Haven't you ever travelled interstella?" Rotor asked, surprised to which Sonic said he hadn't, "You don't feel a thing! The stasis room creates a static field of time, so just as x-rays can't pass through lead, time cannot penetrate the stasis field. So although you exist, you no longer exist in time and for you, time itself does not exist. You see, although you're still a mass, you are no longer an event in space-time you are a non-event mass with a quantom probability of zero."
Sonic blinked at him. "Oh it's as simple as that, is it?" Rotor opened the door for him and Sonic shuffled inside.
"See you in 18 months," the walrus smiled, closing the door and activating the stasis field. Time no longer had any effect on the blue hedgehog waiting inside.

On the outside, however, time did pass. The months ticked on by, one after the other until...

"Good morning, Sonic," Knuckles spoke over the speakers as Sonic pushed open the door and stepped out into the corridor, "It is now safe for you to emerge from stasis."
"I've only just got in," Sonic said, confused, rubbing his shoulders.
"Please proceed to the Drive Room for debriefing," Knuckles went on.
Shrugging, Sonic went on his way, unable to quite put his finger on what was bothering him.

Usually, Knuckles sounded like any ordinary super computer with an IQ of 6000 would but to Sonic he was sounding a little...normal? Almost as though he couldn't quite be bothered to keep up the monotomous, intelligent voice anymore. The ship sounded eerily quiet as Sonic went on his way and every room he poked his head into was empty. The Teaching Room was bare except for little piles of milk white powder in top of the desks.

"Where is everybody, Knux?" Sonic asked, using his nickname for the computer and prodding one of the piles with his finger.
"They're dead, Sonic."
Sonic stopped short, hand half-way to his mouth. "Who is?" he asked, turning towards the nearest computer screen with wide green eyes.
"Everybody, Sonic," Knuckles answered.
Sonic absent mindedly licked his finger. "What, Captain Robotnik?"
"Everybody's dead, Sonic."
"What, Rotor Walrus?" He poked another pile and licked it.
"Everybody's dead, Sonic."
"Jet the Hawk?"
"They're all dead, everybody's dead, Sonic."
The blue hedgehog made his way through the ship, bewilderment all over his face. "Tails isn't, is he?"
"Everybody's dead, Sonic," Knuckles answered, getting impatient.
"Not Espio."
"Gordon Bennet..." Knuckles groaned, "Yes Espio - everybody, everybody's dead, Sonic."
"Shadow?"
"He's dead, Sonic, everybody's dead. Everybody. Is. Dead. Sonic."
"Wait...are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?"

"How?" Sonic asked, entering the silent and barren Drive Room, face betraying the fact that the news was finally hitting home.
"Drive Plate was inefficently repaired," Knuckles answered, "It blew and the entire crew was subjected to a lethal dose of Cabnium 2 before I could seal the air in."
Sonic brushed another pile off the nearest chair and sat down at a desk, poking at a different pile. "This is terrible," Sonic murmured, staring around at his surroundings, "and why is it so dirty around here, Knux? What is this stuff?" he sniffed the powder on his fingers and licked it again.
"That is Catering Officer Antoine d'Coolet," Knuckles replied.
Sonic's quills almost ripped through his shirt as he immediately spat it out. "I've been eating half the crew!" he cried, rubbing his mouth against his sleeve. "Who's that?" he then asked, pointing to another pile.
"That's Captain Robotnik."
"And that's Rotor?" Sonic said, pointing to the pile beside it.
"No, that's Second Technician Shadow."
"...Oh yeah," Sonic joked, "Didn't recognise him without his report book. What was Shadow doing in the Drive Room?"
"He was explaining to the Captain why he hadn't sealed the Drive Plate properly."
"So wait, Knux..." Sonic muttered, brushing the remains of Catering Officer Antoine d'Coolet onto the floor, "How long was I in stasis?"
"Well," Knuckles began, "I couldn't release you until the radiation reached a safe background level..."
"How long?" Sonic asked again, more firmly.
"3 million years," Knuckles admitted.
"3 million years!?" Sonic cried, eyes unable to widen any further, "...I've still got that library book..." He looked over at the other desk and realisation suddenly dawned on him. "What about Rosy? What about Amy Rose?" he asked, face falling.
"She's dead, Sonic." Sonic's ears drooped and his quills flattened in absolute misery. "Don't suppose it's any consolation," Knuckles quipped, "but if she were still alive, the age difference would be insurmountable."
Sonic wasn't comforted. "But she was part of my plan," he squeaked, "I never got round to telling her but she was gonna come with me to South Island. She was gonna wear a white dress and ride the horses and I was gonna take care of everything else. It was my plan! I planned it."
"Well, she won't be much use to you on South Island now, not unless it snows and you need something to grit the path with," Knuckles said and had he shoulders, he would have shrugged them.
Sonic turned to the screen, shocked. "Knuckles!" he cried indignantly, amazed that an emotionless computer could say something so thoughtless.
"Sorry," Knuckles apologised, "I'm sorry about that - I've been on my own for 3 million years and I'm just used to saying what I think. I think I've gone a bit peculiar to tell the truth." His circuit board WAS a bit strained, that was obvious.
"So everyone's dead," Sonic huffed, "I'm on my own. It's just me."
"Well, technically speaking, yes," Knuckles agreed.
"What do you mean, technically speaking?"
In response, who should come pacing into the room but Shadow, still looking as smarmy as ever.
"Hello Sonic," he greeted dryly, "Long time no see."
"Shadow!" Sonic blurted, looking him up and down, "You're a hologram!"
It was true that Shadow looked the same in every aspect - save for the shiny silver 'H' now on his forehead. "Yes," Shadow nodded patronisingly, "That's because I'm dead. Dead as a can of spam." He then glared at Sonic. "And it's all thanks to you."
"Me? What did I do?" Sonic asked.
"If you hadn't kept that stupid hedgehog..."
"Hey, watch it!" Sonic interrupted with a smirk, "that 'stupid hedgehog' happens to share the same base genes with you."
Shadow rolled his eyes. "Well," he went on, "if you hadn't kept it and hadn't been sent to stasis, I would have had some help when I was mending the Drive Plate and I wouldn't be dead."
Sonic just stared at him. "What's it feel like?" he asked quietly.
Shadow's face softened. "Death? It's like being on holiday with a group of lemmings."
"No, I mean being a hologram," Sonic said, walking up to him and waving his arm straight through the darker hedgehog's body. There was no physical feeling of Shadow even being there.
"Do you mind?" he complained as Sonic backed off warily, staring at his hand as though he might have pieces of Shadow stuck to his gloves, "Being a hologram is fine, Sonic. I still have the same drives, the same feelings, the same emotions...but I can't touch anything." He stared at his hands. "Never again will I be able to brush a rose against my cheek, cradle a laughing child, or interfere with a woman in the breeding season."
"You never used to do any of those things anyway."
"But I would have done one day, murderer!" Shadow complained.
"Hey hey hey!" Sonic shouted back at him, "I didn't do anything! It was you who didn't fix the Drive Plate properly!"
Shadow, however, had turned his back and was now stooping over a lone pile of white powder. "Is this me, here?" he asked, "Me?"
"Come on Shadow, look on the bright side..."
"The bright side? WHAT bright side? I'm dead!" His face contorted with sorrow, "I'm composed entirely of light and I'm alone in space with a hog who'd lose in a battle of wits against a stuffed iguana - where's the bright side?"
Sonic paused. "What's an iguana? And anyway, you're not dead, are you? I mean, you're dead, but you're not dead dead because you're still here, aren't you?"
"Sonic, I'm not really here! I'm not really ME, don't you see? I'm a computer simulation of me." Shadow pointed at the lone white pile. "That's me there," he moaned, "That pile of albino mouse droppings."
"Come on..." Sonic tried reasoning, "Lots of people have died. Lots of people have died and gone on to do really really well. You're a hologram, so what?"
"I suppose you're right, Sonic," Shadow sighed, "I've got to pull myself together...but you've got to help me, you've got to be my hands and my touch."
"I know the sort of things you like to touch," Sonic shuddered, "No way, Shadow, forget it."
Shadow turned to glower at him. "Ignoring an superior officer? You're on report, squire..." he went to reach for his report book and stopped, realising that he couldn't touch anything. He scrunched up his face, looking up at the ceiling. "I can't write it down..." he said softly, "...I'll remember it."
Sonic had just been starting to feel sorry for him, but now he was getting frustrated with him again. "Look, I know it's wrong of me to speak ill of the dead and all that," he groaned, standing up and beginning to walk from the room, "but you're still a Smeg Head."
"I beg your pardon?" Shadow demanded, eyes glittering dangerously.
So Sonic repeated it. "I said you're still a Smeg Head."
"Sonic, do you have any idea of the penalty for describing a deceased superior technician as a Smeg Head?!" Shadow fumed, following Sonic from the Drive Room.

He was still following him around a little later on when, unbeknown to both of them, another hedgehog had climbed its way up from the lower levels and was now dancing around the halls. He was dressed in a sharp suit and looked as though he had just stepped from a hollywood movie.
"Oo-wee, how am I looking?" he asked himself, digging into his pockets and bringing out a small mirror. "Lookin' nice!" he smiled, flashing his fangs, "No, wait a minute, I'm looking better than nice! I'm looking dangerous!" He laughed and went dancing on again. "Oh what's that? Oh, it's my shadow...even my shadow's looking nice! I'm looking nice, my shadow's looking nice - what a team! We are unbelievable!" He then went on his way, spinning and dancing and kicking his heels and shaking his long white spines.

Sonic and Shadow both practically leapt into the air when they turned a corner and found a mass of white quills dancing his way down towards them. Shadow actually went to grab onto Sonic, but found his arms passing right through. It didn't take long for them to quickly realise that the mass of white spines was actually another male mobian-like hedgehog, with long elaborate quills and a pair of golden yellow eyes. He took in the sight of Sonic and Shadow and immediately went on the defense.
"Uh-oh!" he grumbled to himself, "Better roll!" He then leapt forward, curling up into a tight ball and rolled away down the corridor, out of sight.
Sonic and Shadow made a hasty retreat to the nearest room, which turned out to be the Teaching Room that Shadow had sat in for his exam. Feeling a little jumpy, Sonic turned to the computer screen.
"Knuckles, what WAS that!?" he asked, bewildered.
"During the radioactive crisis, Sonic, your hedgehog and her hoglets were safely sealed in the hold and they've been breeding there for 3 million years. The radiation caused future generations of hoglets to grow into the lifeform that you just saw in the corridor."
Not so much fazed by the fact that his pet hedgehog had been female all this time, Sonic sat himself down on one of the tables and shook his head. "That thing has descended from my Jules? With THOSE quills?"
"I suppose that's what happens after living in radioactive deep space for years," Knuckles mused. But Sonic was right back on his feet again when the white hedgehog came rolling in through the door, looking around eagerly. He stopped short when he locked eyes with Sonic and Shadow, bristling in defence.
"Hello?" Sonic tried saying.
"Stand back, Sonic," Shadow mouthed and then sprang at the intruder, quills raised. He passed straight through, of course, much to the white hedgehog's amusement.
"Hey! Clear off, boys!" the white hedgehog warned after a short giggle, "Any girls around here are having my kids and my kids only. You see these genes?" he twirled in place, "These are the genes that are gonna be passed on, not yours!"
"If you can find a woman on board, matey," Shadow murmured crossly, reentering the room with dignity that did not suggest what had happened a moment ago, "then by all means go ahead; you'll have earned her."

Deeming that they weren't a threat, the white hedgehog allowed Sonic to lead him to the sleeping quarters where he was fed and watered.
"Where are all your other hedgehog friends then?" Sonic asked curiously, wondering if he was in for a lonely trip in space after all.
"Who cares!?" Shadow interrupted, "I want it off the ship!"
"No," Sonic crooned, "He's coming home with us, aren't you Silver?"
"Silver?"
"Good name, isn't it?" Sonic shrugged, "So okay, it isn't MY hedgehog, but it's still a hedgehog and he's coming with me to South Island."
"What makes you think they'll BE a South Island?" Shadow reasoned, "What makes you think they'll even be a Mobius?"
"Let's find out!" Sonic laughed, "Knuckles, plot a course to Mobius - I'm going home!"

Next time...

Episode 2 - Future Echoes

While travelling at light speed, Sonic, Shadow and Silver see snippets of the future appearing all over the ship, including Sonic's supposed death.