Disclaimer: I don't own, just love! :) All credit goes to DPB for the original idea, the rest of the crew, and of course, the spectacular cast!
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Abby slammed the front door and locked it behind her. She set her bag down, threw her heels into the hall closet and unzipped her boots, kicking them into the middle of the entryway. She turned on the lights and saw nothing. She wasn't expecting anything, but she still began to cry. Partly from relief, that Gibbs had finally killed Ari, but mostly in grief that it had happened too late, as far as she was concerned. Mostly in grief that Kate would never walk through that front door again.
She would never trip over Abby's boots again.
Abby padded into the kitchen.
Kate would never sit on that counter and bang her heel against the cabinet again.
Abby opened the fridge and grabbed a beer.
Kate would never joke about that shelf dedicated entirely to beer again.
Abby shut her eyes, tried to think about neutral things like sofa cushions and parsley, and walked blindly out of the kitchen and down the hallway to her bedroom. She peeled off her black dress, threw it in the laundry basket, and yanked off her stockings, tearing them. She swore, threw them in the bin, and changed into her favorite grey plaid pajama pants, black tank top, black hooded sweatshirt, fluffy socks. Burying her pain under layers and layers of fabric.
The sun was going down, and she felt herself going with it. She sighed, feeling the tiny puncture mark on her hand where the thorn on the rose she had clutched for hours this afternoon had jabbed into her palm. She sat in the corner and drank her beer. She went through her last case. Without Kate around to remind Abby how to be, she had even forgotten to go grocery shopping.
When the beer and the sunlight were gone, she crawled into her coffin, smothered herself in blankets and lay there silently. She might as well have been dead too.
Sometime later she sat bolt upright. There was knocking at the door. Thinking about getting the doorbell fixed, she stumbled to answer the knocks.
It was Tony. Familiar, sturdy Tony. "Hey Abs. How you doing?" He seemed like a stranger to her.
Abby rubbed her eyes. She shrugged, looking groggy and disorientated.
"I thought you might like some company?" Tony said uncertainly. "Can I... come in?"
Abby nodded and stepped aside to let him pass. He tripped over her boots, but surprised her by moving them aside, lining them up against the wall. Like Kate used to do.
Abby locked the door again. They made their way into the living room.
Abby drew a shaky breath. "How... how are you doing?" she asked Tony. He was sitting in the armchair. She was sitting on the floor again.
Tony frowned. "I don't know." He shook his head. "Alright, I guess... considering."
Abby nodded again. Surprisingly, she was still here... probably because she hadn't been there. She was almost positive that being there, seeing it happen... it would have been the last straw.
"The funeral was, uh... nice." Tony said awkwardly. "I mean... despite... it was... y'know."
Abby nodded yet again. The way he was talking, it reminded her off a cell phone conversation with crappy reception. She only got to hear every other word, and then the phone went dead.
Since when was Tony tentative?
'Since when did Kate die?' a voice inside her head shot back.
There was a silence. She cradled her right hand in her left and scraped at the puncture mark with her left thumb. "What happened?" she blurted out suddenly.
"When? What happened where?"
"I want to know what happened on the, on that rooftop." Abby said, feeling horrified with herself.
Tony was shaking his head no. "No, Abs. You don't want to know."
"I do, I'm imagining the worst things possible."
"You can't be." Tony said sadly. "You don't want to know." he repeated. "I don't want you to know."
"I need to know. Tell me, please." she begged.
"No. I don't know what's wrong with you, Abby, you're lucky you weren't there, you don't have a choice but to remember her as she lived, not as she died, and I'm not going to give you any other choice!' Tony all but yelled.
Abby stared back, her eyes watering. He was right, what the hell was wrong with her?
Tony was looking at her so intensely and then, in that one brief moment that seemed like eternity, Abby knew that he could see right to her very core. She felt awkward and uncomfortable and exposed as she squinted at the floor, panicked. She scraped viciously at the puncture mark until a piece of skin came loose, and she tore at it. What had been a hole no more than a millimeter wide had turned into an inch-long gash. She squeezed her hand into a fist.
"I'm sorry, Abby." Tony offered quietly. "I didn't mean... I just... I want to protect you from the truth, because it's fucking shitty truth."
Life is fucking shitty truth, Abby thought. She unclenched her fist and Tony caught sight of her palm, stained dark red.
"You're- you're bleeding." He knew he would never look at blood again and not see Kate. "Did you do that?"
Abby ignored his question. She stood and stumbled into the kitchen.
He followed her. It made her want to cry.
He watched the water run clear from the tap, but tinted pink as it splashed into the bottom of the sink.
"I want her back." Abby rasped. Her words washed down the drain with the pink water.
Tony's hand was on her arm.
"It should have been me." she choked out.
"What?" Tony managed to whisper.
"If I hadn't been a coward, if I had brought that evidence down to Autopsy the day he- the day, Ari shot Gerald, it would have been me instead of Kate, and then maybe he would have kidnapped me instead. He might have become obsessed with me instead. He might have killed me instead. He should have... I wish he had." Abby sobbed.
Tony had her in his arms in a split second. "Oh, Abs. It's not your fault. He was a sick, psycho freak. Yeah, he was obsessed with Kate, but even if he hadn't been, that wouldn't have stopped him from watching the warehouse like he did. He had the rifle. He would have pulled that trigger on one of us no matter who. Granted, if it hadn't been Kate, it probably would have been me."
Abby choked back another sob. It came out as a low moan.
"I think that he wanted to cause Gibbs pain. I don't really know why... maybe 'cause Gibbs was the only one who ever got close enough to trick him. Close enough to kill him, even." He didn't know that he part of what he said was right. Hell, he didn't even know what he was saying at all. He just wanted so desperately to comfort Abby, but right there, at that moment, he knew that nothing he could say was going to make either of them feel better. After all, this was his loss too. But they were nowhere near ready to try and accept it.
Words failed them.
They sank to the floor together.
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