I'm not dead.
I know I haven't updated Our Love in a month, but don't worry, it's not forgotten about and I am working on it. Life has been extremely busy lately and I apologize for that.
I hope you guys like this one shot, I spent some spare time these last two days to write it so I haven't really spent a lot of time on it, but I quite enjoy it.
Thanks for sticking with me! :D
xo, Emily
p.s. I've made a tumblr account. I'm not very active, but you're more than welcome to go and ask me questions or anything you want to really. My username is GreetingsFromNice . tumblr . com
It's past midnight and I'm all alone in my bed. There is no gorgeous blonde next to me that I can cuddle and share some sweet lady kisses with. All fucking alone and it's all sorts of wrong. Let me go back a bit and tell you just why I'm all alone in my bed. It all started at this little reunion thing we went to.
Wait, let me go back even further.
My name is Santana Lopez. I'm 27 years old and in a relationship with the perfect woman, Quinn Fabray. I'm from Ohio, but went to college in Massachusetts, where I met Quinn. We began dating about six months after we met, so we've been a 'we' for almost 8 years now, and we currently live in San Francisco.
I'd say my life is pretty darn good, I've got a job I honestly don't mind, a nice apartment, an awesome family, student debt that isn't too bad and the best girlfriend ever.
Anyways, back to the issue at hand, me being all alone in my bed. Christmas morning was three days ago, and this year we're celebrating the festivities with my family, which means that we're back in good ol' Ohio. My older brother, Lucas, and his wife and two kids are staying at her parents' house, since she's an only child and they have a much bigger place, which means that my brother's bed room is currently unoccupied.
Actually, I'm lying right now, because Quinn is currently there.
Earlier today some of my high school friends and Luke's friends had a little get together and it was nice to introduce Quinn to everyone. I can honestly say that I don't care very much about many of them anymore, but it's always nice to catch up with people that used to be a big part of your life.
Luke's former best friend, Samuel, was there too, and I swear, he's to blame for this, not me! Samuel could quite possibly be attractive, if you were able to look past those huge fucking lips of his, and apparently also if you're not a raging lesbian, like me (cause the chicks were all over him…). I never minded Sam, he was pretty cool towards me when we were in high school, so it's not like I hold some sort of grudge towards him, but what happened was just too wrong for me to look past.
You see; Sam was hitting on Quinn. MY Quinn.
It was wrong on so many levels.
For one, Quinn is capital G gay; trust me. Secondly, they look like they could be siblings! Well if you're able to look past those damn lips, because let me tell you, my Quinn's lips are perfectly proportionate to the rest of her face. I got pretty tired of his flirting at the bar, so I decided to bring it up when we got home. Bad idea.
Since Luke and I were hanging out today my parents decided to have dinner with Luke's in-laws, and when Quinn and I returned home, around 10:30 pm, they were still not home. Quinn and I had had a few beers at the bar, but nothing much, we were far from intoxicated. It had been a long day, and we decided to head to bed relatively early, and it was while we were changing that I decided to bring up the subject. Again; bad idea.
Here's a look back at the conversation I would rather just forget.
"Today was a lot of fun. It was great getting to meet some of your former friends, they had some awesome stories to tell."
"Yeah, it wasn't bad."
"Samuel was really sweet too, we talked lots."
"I noticed."
"His impersonations are hilarious."
"What was up with you and Samuel?"
"What do you mean?"
"You two seemed to get along really well."
"I don't understand what you're trying to say."
"What I'm trying to say is that he got awfully friendly back at the bar, didn't he? He gave you a couple of beers and he got awfully touchy feely."
It was around this time that Quinn put her hands on her hips and looked at me incredulously.
"Are you being serious right now, Santana?"
I should have apologized and backed off, because I knew very well how stupid I sounded, but I didn't. I continued whining like a jealous little bitch.
"Yeah, I am Quinn! You didn't seem to shut him down either though. You were laughing at all of his jokes, like he was some kind of Steve Carell! Let's be real here, his impersonations are really not that good."
Just keep digging your own grave, Santana.
"It's called being POLITE, Santana! Maybe you should take a class or something."
Her voice was an octave higher and I could tell that she was becoming pretty pissed off.
"Maybe I will, will it teach me how to flirt with boys too?"
"Is this seriously you being jealous? Because that's so god damn fucked up!"
"Oh, I am so sorry, Quinn! I must be fucked up if I don't like watching my girlfriend flirt with someone I've known since I was 9."
"I was not flirting with him, and he was not flirting with me. He knows very well that you and I are in a serious relationship and he would never try to get in the way of that."
At this point I started clapping.
"Bravo, Quinn, you've met the man once and you already know him so well. You are quite the people person, aren't you?"
"You know what Santana, I'm going to go sleep in your brother's room, that way you can have some time to think about what this relationship actually means to you."
"Here, I have his number, why don't you call him, and make plans to meet up tomorrow too? Maybe make it a movie date?"
I actually threw my phone at her, and luckily missed, but she ignored it and walked out of my room, not even slamming the door shut after her. Damn her and her manners. Also damn me; I just threw my phone across the room at my girlfriend. I could have hit her in the head, because wouldn't that just be the perfect end to this day? Head injury and a trip to the ER!
So there you have it, the reason why I'm all alone in my big, usually comfy, bed.
I'm not saying that Quinn and I have never gotten into fights before, because we do have a healthy amount of fights and make up sex, but jealousy has never been a problem. We've always been comfortable with each other and our relationship, so why I suddenly got all jealous now, after 8 years, is a mystery to me. It's not like Quinn was actually flirting with him, like she said she was just being polite. That's who Quinn is, she's polite to absolutely everyone and everyone loves her.
I, personally, adore her, I have since the first time I met her. And I just royally screwed things up. I know I said that Quinn and I always work things out, and we do, but things were different this time. We didn't fight because I forgot to do the laundry or clear out the dishwasher, or because she forgot to tell me she was working late again, we fought because I basically accused her of openly flirting with someone else.
I basically just said 'I've spent the last 8 years of my life with you, but I don't trust you', and that's pretty fucked up.
I move from lying on my side to lying on my back and let out a loud sigh. I close my eyes and hope to God I'll dream of a solution to this, the last thing I want to do is fuck up my relationship.
One night of restless sleep later, and I'm still pretty clueless. I know that I was wrong to say what I said, Quinn honestly didn't deserve that, I guess the best thing I can do is just apologize. Talk it out, keep it simple. Blame the alcohol? No, I really can't do that, Quinn has seen me drink before, she knows that the alcohol is not to blame here. I walked towards the door, and picked up my phone that was still lying on the floor and got back into bed before I sent her a text.
'We should talk about it.'
Every time we had a fight Quinn would say that she had read somewhere that you should never leave a fight unresolved. I used to roll my eyes at this, even though I knew it basically just meant 'make up sex time', but this time I really understood what those crappy magazines were talking about. There was no way I was ignoring this, and let Quinn think that I think I was right last night, because I'll be the first to admit that I was not. I, Santana Lopez, will happily admit that I was wrong last night and my (hopefully still) girlfriend, Quinn Fabray, did nothing wrong.
There was a knock on my door and I quickly looked up.
"Come in." I took a deep breath and smiled when I saw Quinn come in. She closed the door behind her and stood in front of my bed, looking at me.
My brother had been the star quarterback in high school, and had loved football since he was a little kid. He had a collection of different size football helmets still in his childhood bedroom, and there had been one in particular that I had decorated when I was little. On the sides there were lots of sparkly stickers and in the front and back it said 'Lopez', also in sparkly stickers. My brother had pretended to be mad at me when he had seen it, but I always knew that he loved it. Sure, he wouldn't exactly wear it around his friends, but it never got put away, like some of the others were. And this football helmet was currently on Quinn's head. I wanted to laugh, because it was honestly quite funny, but this situation did not call for laughter so I patted the bed instead, to get her to sit down.
"I see you brought protection."
She sat down by the foot of the bed and folded her legs in front of her. "Yeah, I didn't want any head injuries."
I nod slowly.
"Smart move."
"You wanted to talk?"
I honestly have no idea what to say, so I said the most unoriginal thing I could think of. "I'm sorry."
"For what?"
Quinn isn't stupid and I know that she wasn't pretending that yesterday didn't happen, she simply wanted me to acknowledge what I did wrong.
"For making us both look like fools. I know you weren't flirting with him, and I have no idea why I would suggest that you did either. I'm so sorry. I love you so much and I have no idea what came over me."
"You do realize that I love you, right?"
"Yes, without a doubt."
"And you know that I would never even think about flirting with someone else?"
"Absolutely."
"So why did you act like an ass yesterday?"
"I don't know."
"Yes you do, Santana."
Quinn has this uncanny ability to always understand things I didn't even know I understood. Like right now, the easy way out would be to continue to say 'I don't know', like I was 5 or something, but Quinn would never accept that. She knows that deep down there is a reason as to why I would suddenly start doubting her now, when I've never even shown hints of jealousy before. And there is a reason; of course there is a reason. One does not simply get jealous after 8 years with someone, completely out of the blue. The problem is that I cannot tell her what is up. I really, really can't.
"I don't know what to say."
"How about 'I'm sorry I threw a phone at your head and acted like a crazy bitch, the reason is that I ….'"
"I'm sorry I threw the phone at your head and acted like a crazy bitch, the reason is that I consumed too much alcohol?"
And that just came out like a question, so not what I intended. And Quinn just snorted.
"Funny. I can see you're no longer taking this relationship seriously."
Quinn was beginning to get off the bed and I was beginning to panic.
"Wait!"
"What is it Santana?"
She was still halfway off the bed; with one foot on the floor, and her other knee resting on the bed. The semi-sparkly helmet was still planted on her head and she looked utterly adorable.
"I just… I don't know okay? It's stupid and silly of me."
"Santana, this is serious. Our 8th anniversary is coming up, and I need to know that this means something to you. I love you, but if you can't be serious about this then I cannot be with you."
Quinn has this thing that she does every time we have a discussion or a fight, she goes into Business Quinn mode. She gets all formal and shit, like if she was having a meeting with the head office or something. It can be really weird, but it's such a turn on for me now. Not right now though, because I'm actually in the shit house at the moment. Usually I can just say 'sorry I forgot to unload the dishwasher, it won't happen again', even though we both know it's a lie, and the sex can commence. Not this time around.
"Quinn… don't say that."
"I need to know why you would get all jealous all of sudden Santana! We would go to parties all the time in college, and both boys and girls would flirt with me and dance with me, and all you'd do was possessively fuck me when we got home. You didn't even threaten any of them. What happened last night came so out of the blue, and you cannot tell me that you don't know why."
I needed to tell her something; there was no way I was going to risk having her walk out on me. No fucking way.
"I'm just used to people flirting with you when we're in larger settings and everyone's under the influence of alcohol. I can handle that because I know that you can handle yourself, but this was different. It started at the dinner and then at the pub you two sat next to each other in the booth just chatting. You only had a couple of beers and you seemed so extremely comfortable with him. In a way it was so different from all of those other times, because even though he wasn't all over you it still seemed so intimate. Quinn, I love you and I adore you with every fiber of my being. Like I said earlier, I would never doubt you being faithful to me and I do really feel bad for what I said last night."
It wasn't the complete truth. It wasn't a lie, because I did love her so much, and last nights setting had been a very different one from what we were used to, but I wasn't completely honest with her either.
I let out a deep breath as soon as Quinn gets onto the bed again, and can't help but smile when she takes off her helmet, causing her long, blonde hair to stick out all over the place, partly from the helmet and partly from sleeping.
"Santana, listen to me. I understand what you're saying, but you have nothing to be afraid of, okay? Yes, Samuel is a very polite young man, but he has a few flaws. 1, his hair is too blonde. 2, his eyes are too green. 3, his lips are too big and 4, his penis is a total deal breaker. I began dating you when I was almost 19; in the three years before that I dated various people and only one of those had a penis. I never saw it, but it still creeped me out. In terms of me leaving you for someone else you will never have to worry about it being a guy, okay?"
"You said penis."
Quinn rolled her eyes.
"How old are you, 5?"
"Maybe."
"Please take this seriously Santana."
"Sorry. Fine, it's completely irrational for me to be threatened by a man. Besides, you're like super gay."
It wasn't the nicest thing I've ever said, but Quinn still smiled, so I guess it wasn't that bad.
"I am, aren't I? Well, even more reason for you not to be jealous babe. Besides, men don't have the best track record with me."
I grimace as I think about the guy Quinn had briefly dated at the beginning of college. Before him she had dated a few girls, nothing serious, but had decided to try dating him because he seemed really sweet and she was still trying to figure out her sexual orientation. The guy was basically a douche who took complete advantage of her. In the beginning he was the perfect 'take home to meet the parents' type of guy, but as soon as they were actually calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend he became a self indulgent, greedy bastard. Whenever he was stressed out or had a bad day he'd take it out on her. I'm sad to say that I knew them both at this time, but she hid it really well. I didn't find out about half of it until way after we started dating. Let's just say that in the months between their break up and our first date she stayed far away from men. Not saying all men are like that, but it was quite the bad first experience.
I, however, swooped in like a knight in shining armor (can you still say that when I'm a girl?) and completely swept her off her feet. She will confirm this if asked. Our second year in college she started renting this apartment not far from campus, it was a great place and all, but top floor with no elevator equals personal hell for me. I'm in great shape and all that, but I hate stairs. Nevertheless, I did not bitch about it once and I even carried her fucking groceries up the 100000 flights of stairs (okay, slight exaggeration there, you may remove a zero). I also may or may not have received lots and lots of sex because of that. Cue major jealousy from the rest of the lesbian population.
Back to the issue at hand.
"You do not have the best track record with men, if we can even call one man a track record. And I definitely don't want to join the gang of exes."
"So when we hang out with Sam again for your brothers New Years Eve party you won't freak out on me because I talked to him?"
"Absolutely not. I'll even tell you everything I know about him so you'll have some conversation starters."
Quinn giggled and leaned forward, placing a soft kiss on my lips. As soon as she started pulling back I bit her bottom lip and growled.
"Not now, San. It's morning and I'd like to actually get something out of this day."
I pouted slightly, but didn't push it because today we were having a family day with my parents, and I really don't mind that. It means I can get my cuddles on while we watch holiday movies. Win-win situation if I ever saw one.
New Years Eve. The old year is about to step into a new one and half of the things we promised we'd remember in this year will be lost. Actually, make that 90%. My hair is fucking flawless, my dress is hugging me in all the right places and I've got a total babe on my arm. Hottest date here, without a doubt. Quinn is thankfully back to sleeping in my bed, and even thought it was just for one night I sure missed my little spoon. I've been a complete angel for the last few days and right this second I'm sipping my drink while Quinn is talking to Sam and a few other people across the room. Not even a flare of jealousy in my body. Plenty of alcohol though, and it's still early, so I should probably slow down a bit.
Being just four hours shy of the New Year is sort of making me think about things. I'll turn 28.
I should probably start thinking about the future and the big questions.
Am I happy with my job, or should I look for something else (it doesn't hurt to look)? Do I want to live in San Francisco for the rest of my life (probably)? Should I start thinking about settling down with Quinn (most definitely)? Do I want children (hell yeah, they're awesome!)? Do I want a child within the next year (nope)? Do I want to kiss Quinn right now (hell yeah!)? And so that is what I'm going to do. I put down my glass on the closest possible surface and make my way towards Quinn. She is looking elegant and simply stunning today and I can see that she starts smiling when I wrap my arms around her from behind. She turns her head sideways and plants a kiss on my cheek.
"Hi baby."
"Hey."
"Are you having fun?"
"Definitely. Are you?"
The people she was talking to were now talking amongst themselves and it was as if we are in private.
"Yeah, just chatting to people, I love hearing their stories about young Santana. You were quite the rebel."
"You tamed the tiger."
She turns around in my arms and gives me a mischievous smirk before she leans in and whispered in my ear.
"Not in bed though."
She finishes the statement off by biting my earlobe and a shiver runs down my back. I suddenly remember that I still haven't kissed her so I lean in and kiss her passionately, yet appropriately for the very public place we were at.
She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled back only about an inch or two before humming.
"Mm, you taste like strawberries."
"Strawberry daiquiri baby."
She closes the gap again and completely takes my breath away, not that I'm complaining. I could easily tell that she had knocked back a few drinks too
Quinn is the kind of girl that has a timeless beauty, like Grace Kelly or something, and if she had lived in the 50's or 60's she would have fit right in. Sometimes she really acts like we're in those decades too, like when it comes to PDA. She has no problem with holding my hand or small pecks, but a real kiss kiss is rare. And the kiss she is giving me right now is not exactly parentally approved. Hence, my assumption that she has had more than a couple of drinks. Also, her mouth tastes like sweet vodka.
It's quite nice actually.
I am however broken from my reverie when she pulls away from both the kiss and the embrace.
"As much as I'd like to have my way with you right now I think we should interact with other people."
"If you insist dear."
The next three and a half hours are filled with small talk, drinks, food, beer, water and sweet moments with Quinn. It is winter in Ohio, and since we had all flocked outside a few minutes ago to watch the fireworks Quinn and I had put on our winter coats. Midnight was still 20 minutes away, but there were lots of fireworks lighting up the sky already. Quinn, who is a few inches taller than me, is standing behind me with her chin resting on my shoulder and her arms wrapped tightly around me. I'm playing with her fingers and spinning the rings she always wear around and around on her different fingers.
"Are you ever going to tell me the real reason why you got jealous the other day?"
My fingers freeze.
"Huh?"
I could hear the smile in her voice and I'm quite relieved that she isn't mad.
"Well, you can't seriously believe that I bought your excuse, can you? I was just letting you off the hook to give you a few days to think about it. Knowing you it's been on your mind non-stop."
"True. I don't know if I'm closer to a solution though."
I continue playing with her rings and take one off her index finger to put it on her ring finger, before I return it to it's previous digit.
"Do you want to discuss it, maybe we can find the solution together?"
"Sure, why not."
"What do you have so far?"
"I know that I was really nervous that day."
"Any particular reason why?"
"Yes."
"Want to tell me what that is?"
"There's something that has been on my mind for a long time and it was making me nervous."
"Okay. Does it have to do with work?"
"Not really, no."
Again I move her ring from the index finger to the ring finger, absentmindedly watching the sky while playing with her fingers.
"You're being really mysterious Santana."
"I know."
"Should I be worried?"
"No. Do you want to know the truth?"
"Of course I do. Unless it's really bad, like you killed someone."
I let out a soft laugh and shake my head.
"Definitely didn't kill anyone."
"Great! Now share."
"I was really nervous because I love you so much. Lately I've been wanting to talk to you about our future so badly, but I was scared that you'd think it was too soon or something so I never knew how to bring it up."
I feel her body shake against mine as she chuckles.
"Babe, we've been together for eight years, I really don't think it's too soon to talk about the future."
"I know, but it all seems so serious and we're not even 30 yet. Anyways, seeing you being so friendly with someone else made me sort of nervous about the whole future aspect."
It had begun snowing and it was utterly beautiful. It was cold, but not too cold, it was simply the perfect New Years Eve I remembered from my childhood.
"Quinn, I have loved you for quite some time, and I'll continue to love you for quite some time into the future if you'll let me. You're the only person who thinks it's funny when I get mad at the mailman for putting junk mail in our mailbox, or love me when I mess up the cake mixer, and get cake all over the kitchen. You know all of my fears, hopes and dreams and no one, including myself, know me better than you do. I love being with you, I love being in your presence, because you just radiate joy and confidence and through out all of the things that we've been through in eight years it's occurred to me that I'd honestly like to hang out with you for my whole life. Therefore I think it's better if you just stay. Or if we both stay. Together. Forever."
Quinn's arms move from my waist and I turn around to look at her and I see that she has a confused look on her face. I take both of her hands into one of mine and with the other I hold up her simple silver ring. Her confused frown grows deeper and she looks down at our hands and gasps.
"Quinn, will you marry me?"
The first time I had taken the ring off and switched fingers it had been the silver band, but the second time I had taken the silver band off her index finger and put my mother's engagement ring onto her ring finger. It is beautiful and Quinn has gushed over it every time she has seen it. It will be hers if she just says yes.
"Wait… is this a planned action, or just a spur of the moment thing?"
"I've had the ring since the last time we were in Ohio and I've just been waiting for the right moment. I recently decided that I wanted to do it today, but I hadn't planned how I wanted to do it."
I'm still anxiously awaiting her reply, but at least she hasn't laughed in my face yet.
"It's so beautiful. Santana…"
Oh god, here it comes.
"Yes. I want nothing more than to be your wife. So yes, yes, yes a million times yes."
The cute frown fades and she wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me in for a tight hug. I close my eyes and feel the happiness sink through my body; it's an amazing feeling.
"So now you know why I was so nervous."
"It's perfect! I love you so much. And I'll love you forever and always, I promise. You're all mine now."
"I love you too."
The smile on her face is infectious and it doesn't take long before my cheeks hurt from smiling so widely, but I can't get myself to care. I'm fucking engaged to this goddess! She looks so beautiful with her hazel eyes sparkling with happiness and her blonde hair is covered in tiny, white snowflakes. I just want to kiss her senseless, but she beats me to it. She wraps her arms around me again and pulls me in for a scorching hot kiss, and just as our lips meet the clock hits 12 and the best fireworks go off. Perfect timing, not exactly what I'm known for, but I'll take it. I'm engaged, bitches!
