Okay so this is kind of crack. The M rating is for swearing. Lots of swearing... and some allusions to sex but no real details there. Obviously I don't own any of this with the possible exception of the nameless narrator but I'm sure you'll understand why nobody will contest that once you start reading.
This all came about when one day I thought "Man, I think it'd be awesome to like, be the one watching the security cameras on the Enterprise." and nevermind that the Enterprise probably doesn't even have security cameras, let alone someone paid to watch them. This diary just forced its way out, anyway.
Dear Diary,
Mitchell is dead.
I suppose that's why I'm writing this. If he hadn't died I wouldn't have broken down in the most humiliating way possible in front of the Head Security Chief of ALL people. Seriously. MY BOSS watched me sob like a little baby.
Yeah I get that its normal to be sad when you lose someone close to you. They all assured me it was fine and a perfectly normal reaction or whatever. Nobody else cried, though. They all looked stoic and sad and respectful but they weren't bawling with their makeup running down their face in black streaks.
God, I could barely make it through the memorial. I knew Michell knew the Captain and all (he certainly wouldn't let me forget, at any rate) but to see Captain James T. Kirk look so damned solemn and the stuff he said was all true and heartfelt and god; no wonder women and men alike fall for him constantly. I hadn't realized he could be serious, but there he was saying just the right things to remember Mitchell by. He didn't even give me a funny look for crying as loudly as I was.
I think the worst part about it all is the mystery. Seems like most of the crew just doesn't know what the hell happened. Gossip mill has a few stupid ideas, I think the most ridiculous is the friggin' godlike psychic powers one. Seriously. The Captain's memorial just said that he died serving his ship.
Anyway, the suddenness and the mystery of it all was still effecting me when I had to go clock in to work the other day. So Lieutenant Commander Giotto (Mr. Boss Man) is handing out our weekly assignments and, shock and awe, I didn't get assigned to any of the upcoming away missions. I NEVER get an away mission. Ever. Normally I take it with a nod but today I just couldn't. What was my shift schedule for? Oh, yeah, watching the security cameras. Because what I need right now is to sit alone in a quiet room all by myself with nothing more interesting than watching Commander Spock walk from his quarters to the bridge to the labs like clockwork.
Mortifying tears welled up and before I knew it I was sobbing about Michell, my schedule, and everything else onto his goddamned shoulder. I think I even mentioned the hamster I had when I was 9 who died of mysterious heart failure.
He patted my back in that extremely awkward way of men-who-don't-know-what-to-do-with-the-crying-girl everywhere and sent me to sickbay. I was too far gone to even be terrified by the prospect.
Don't get me wrong, the CMO is damned talented but that doesn't stop him from being scary as all fuck. Luckily, when I got there Dr. McCoy was holed up in his office and the head nurse took pity on me. I musta looked a mess. She didn't give me any medicine or anything, which is probably good, I don't think I need to be doped up to deal with grief. We just chatted for a while and she eventually suggested the whole diary thing. She seemed convinced I was keeping too much to myself and needed to let it out in a constructive way.
I think she was pretty concerned when I told her Michell was like my only friend and that was just because he was the kinda guy that wasn't deterred by my crippling shyness. Me and Nurse Chapel talked for quite a while about Mitchell. She thought it was pretty funny that I could put him in a headlock even though I was a full head shorter than him. I felt a lot better after talking to her, but I figure the diary thing isn't such a bad idea either.
Anyway. I have to work now. All that and I'm still stuck watching the goddamned security cams. I don't think Giotto is convinced someone as short as me can keep up with the big boys and I musta set myself back lightyears with my crying fit. Damnit.
Dear Diary,
I seriously have the most boring job on the entire ship. "Join Star Fleet!" they said. "See the stars! Meet new lifeforms! Adventure and exploration!" Assholes. All I see is fifty goddamn screens linked to the security cameras.
Hallways are not that exciting, guys. If I'm feeling particularly adventurous I can watch the mess hall. Or the observation deck. Every now and then a fight breaks out in the gyms or recreation room but seriously, not very often and it's almost always over in two seconds so I just get to watch the putzes file their way into sickbay to get yelled at by Dr. McScary-Pants.
Its getting a little easier not to miss Mitchell all the time, but it's a small improvement. I had no idea the perv had gotten to be so damned important to me! He joked all the time about all the chick's he'd hook up with and that one time he and the Captain tried to see who could get the most phone numbers in one night. I sometimes suspected he only knew the Captain from that one night, because that's the only story he ever told me involving the infamous James T. Kirk.
I would just nod and smile and laugh in the appropriate places, though, and he would smile at me like a lecher, pat me on the head and wish me a good night. It was just so nice he would Talk to me. Nobody else really does. Its my own fault, I guess, I just clam up and that one time I tried to smile... I think I scarred that Chekov kid. He always looks at me funny, now. And not in the good "Oh he's mooning over you!" sort of way, either. The looks I get are wide-eyed and boarding on terrified. Like a little bunny.
Hah. Bunny Chekov. What an ungodly cute image. I'm a little horrified I came up with it.
Anyway. The away mission is tomorrow. Not like it matters I know or anything, since I NEVER GET TO GO ON THEM. Fucking Darnell. They always give it to Darnell.
Dear Diary,
Jesus Christ. Darnell is dead. So is Green and Sturgeon. Christ. I SAW Green, too. In the hallways drooling over what I thought was Yeoman Rand. Turns out it was the salt she had on the tray, or something? I don't know, we got the short story after it all went down. I guess that wasn't even Green.
Apparently this weird creature was parading around as some chick from the outpost because it actually killed the original chick from the outpost. The guy from the outpost was all "its an anomaly, i feed it salt. poor thing's the last of its race!" but by that point it had killed three crew members and was after more and the Captain was LIVID.
Seriously, Captain can be just as scary as the doctor when you kill off his officers. Its a little nice to know, hey, if I ever get knocked off I'll have the smartest most insane captain in the 'Fleet ready to rip the asshole who killed me a new one.
Anyway, so Captain decides the fucker needs to go down and that is exactly what happens. Apparently it was attacking the doctor some? And tried to attack Commander Spock? Stupid alien thing. It should know better than to mess with that trio. I'm not entirely sure which one is scariest when pissed. I'd have to see the Commander pissed and I'm pretty sure I NEVER want to see that. Ever. I've seen him spar. They do not lie about that superior Vulcan strength.
I heard a rumor once about the whole Nero incident. Apparently he got REALLY pissed off at the Captain of all people. Only he wasn't the captain at the time AND he was being insubordinate. I'm sorry but if that isn't further proof of the badassery of my captain I do not know what is. When I looked for the security camera footage of the bridge that day I found out it was completely deleted. Like, wiped clean. I dunno who did it but they managed to convince the computer a span of twenty minutes just stopped existing. Also I lied, I do kinda want to see the Commander lose his shit. But only if I'm not in the room and have a good buffer of distance and time to keep me safe.
Anyway, its about time I quit dinking around and go eat dinner.
Dear Diary,
Well today was certainly a clusterfuck of epic proportions! Tormolen (the poor bastard) infected the entire crew with some weird ass alien whoositz that made us all go batshit. Including yours truely, because really, I need to be more of an emotional train wreck right now.
So Tormolen is dead now, it was kinda suicide but according to anything official making it back to the 'Fleet he died because from the weird alien infection. Which isn't even false. But seriously, when you watch a guy shove a butter knife into his own gut while you're trying to eat your crappy almost-burger... well. It just seems a lot like suicide.
All these away mission related deaths are making me rethink my life's ambition a little bit. I mean, not a lot but at least a little. I'm totally not going to go touchin' on weird things or eating crap off the ground. I figure, I'm security, right? Yeah it'll be dangerous but so far everyone's died of weird shit not related to getting shot. I'm good at keeping to myself and my aim is actually damn good. Logically I'd be a great choice then, right? Yeah, tell that to Giotto.
Anyway. Once we all get infected by the crazy everything blows up. After the worst lunch ever I go back to work, right? Sit around in the security room watching everybody else do the actual work.
I knew something was up when the main helmsman... Sulu or whatever, is running down the halls plus one sword, minus one shirt. I had not realized how ripped the guy was, seriously, these uniforms hide more than you'd expect.
So he's running around swinging the sword at anyone and everything like a maniac and I figure FUCK YES, finally time to do my damn job! I call up Giotto to tell him "Heeeey serious issue on deck _, Sulu's got a sword and he's not afraid to use it. Nobody wounded yet, mostly because they're running away." And yes, I didn't even swear when I left him the message. I'm just that fucking professional.
The response I get sounds a little like someone turned up the volume on a porno. A porno featuring my boss and some as of yet unidentified woman. I never want to know. Thank god there wasn't a visual.
I call up and warn Lieutenant Uhura, then. The bridge needs to know shit is going down and if Giotto isn't gunna do it I sure will. I make sure to give her the full story, at least in part because crippling shyness aside, how can you NOT tell someone you just heard your boss make -that- noise.
I eventually hear this scuffling out in the hallway. Its not the nightmare inducing porno scuffle, either, it sounds a little like a bar brawl. And yes, thank you, I know what a bar brawl sounds like, I'm not that sheltered.
So I figure I better investigate and maybe try to break things up or something. Watching folk go nuts on the security camera's isn't gunna do much and fifteen out of the twenty feeds are now showing our resident Russian rock star caterwauling away in engineering. In the hall there's a couple of ensigns fighting over a cute yeoman. I really couldn't bring myself to care, though, when I caught sight of Nurse Chapel walking down the hall like a zombie in the midst of the apocalypse.
Oh god damnit, its my shift again. I'll finish this later.
Dear Diary,
GOD DAMN, that was the most boring shift ever, all people did was avoid each other in the hallways and stare straight ahead in the mess hall.
Anyway, so I run into Nurse Chapel, right? I'm gunna just start calling her Christine because she spots me and I realize she's been crying her eyes out. Feeling a little like I owe her I ask her whats wrong and she clutches onto me like I'm a lifeline. After that I spend a really painful couple of minutes trying to figure out what the hell she's saying between sobs and all I get is "Spock" "love" and "meeeeeeee". I'm not that stupid. I kinda figure she's been hard core rejected.
I pat her on the shoulder and suddenly totally feel for every guy that's ever had to figure out what to say to me when I'm breaking down. Seriously, isn't Spock with Uhura anyway? I know there was that rumor they split but it seems like they still eat together all the time.
So I tell her "Guys suck a lot" and "You're totally beautiful, seriously, and do you think the Commander is that shallow?" and that one went over like a lead balloon because the next is "Noooo, I mean, its just that you are pretty AND have an amazing personality so its gotta be something wrong with him, right?". I'm pretty sure that wasn't the right thing to say, either, but at this point my own head was getting a little fuzzy and every thought seemed to revolve around Mitchell and how I never really got to tell him how much he meant to me.
Long story short, we spent an enormous chunk of the emergency clutching each other and sobbing. I tell her all about my shyness and how its easier to punch people than talk to them and she tells me about how she's basically become the ship's councillor cuz the last one got herself killed on the same mission Mitchell died. Dr. McCoy found us like that, and with the detached professionalism of a very busy and rather harassed doctor he hypoed us and walked away.
Once the drugs kicked in and we sorta came back to ourselves we smiled at each other all awkward like. Without the infection encouraging me it suddenly becomes fifty million times harder to talk but I force it out anyway. I offered to listen if she ever needed to rant or anything because listening to everyone else cry all the time hasta be kinda tough for one person to handle. She gave me a surprised little smile before disappearing to try to see if the CMO needed any help.
I went back into the security room and promptly saved every single recording I could of Chekov singing what I swear to god was an old love song between crazy Russian lesbians. I also recorded a few of the earlier images of Sulu runnin' around half naked. Blackmail potential is the only redeeming thing about this job.
Dear Diary,
Today I was pompous and my sister was crazy.
Sorry. Today was boring as shit. I'm going to watch more old tv shows and possibly eat a whole tub of chocolate.
Dear Diary,
I spent a good chunk of the day today trying to hunt down one Captain only to find out there was another one causing a bunch of shit somewhere else on the ship. Seriously, it was crazy! I was watchin' the cams with my usual sense of work ethic and dedication when I notice the Captain was in sickbay talking to the doctor at the exact same time he was coming onto Yeoman Rand pretty heavily on Deck _.
Okay, so ignoring the randomness of two Kirk's for a second. My Captain might have a reputation for space-whorin' but I have never... NEVER seen him come on to Rand like that. Or for that record, anyone that is gunna be on the ship for more than a fortnight. Sure he'll disappear with a space princess or that one andriod chick. And that one Ambasador's assistant and the other girl... shit, I forgot what she was here for but she was green and sexy as hell. Anyway, the point is, yeah sure the Captain gets around... but he has ALWAYS respected his subordinates.
Clearly something was wrong.
Also it is like, common ship knowledge that Rand totally has the hots for James T. Kirk and her body language was just ALL wrong. She looked... terrified.
So I call up Giotto and tell him to get someone onto Deck _ like yesterday to help the poor girl out. When confronted the Captain managed to take down three security guards in about two and a half minutes and I will be damned if I wasn't impressed with that. I mean shit. Those guys got the same training I did and I know they arn't total lightweights.
It made me wonder if that rumor about the Captain getting confronted by Admiral Pike in a bar after a huge brawl isn't actually true but once everything finally got sorted out it turns out the guy who was being a dick to Rand and beating up all the security officers was an intruder or something. It was weird, though. He looked exactly like the captain... but I guess that salt monster convinced a lot of people it was Green, too, so what can you do?
Anyway, the intruder Kirk kept running all around and getting into trouble, so I had to watch the cams like a hawk and try to tell whoever was closest to grab him. Fucker was clever, though, he seemed to know exactly where the cams faced and most of the time I couldn't get a good visual on him.
It was pretty stressful, all around, but... and I hope this doesn't make me a horrible person... It was nice to actually be DOING something, y'know? Instead of just watching. Well, I guess it was still just watching but it was ACTIVE watching. Or something.
Ah well. I'm meeting Christine for dinner. How exciting is that? I might be making a new friend! Mitchell would be so proud.
Dear Diary,
FUNNIEST THING EVER. The Captain came by the other day to check into the Security department and whatever. Apparently this is something he does regularly? I musta missed it because I'm always locked in the security cam room of epic boredom. Anyway. Captain strolls on in and casual as can be calls my boss Cupcake.
I was taking a drink of coffee at the time and it seriously went up my nose. Then, just to top it all off, Captain winked right at me. Like I was just part of the gang or something.
I sputtered away for a while and life went on, but still. Awesome. I'm pretty sure this ship is just one big plot to kill all respect for authority I have. With the exception of the Captain, of course, because I gotta respect someone who just oozes charm like that. Poor Cupcake, though.
