AN: I am not exactly the best with using older English such as thou,thy, or thee. However, I gave it my best attempt.
Confide
It had all happened in what felt like an instant. The Ashen One had not been prepared at all. Not been prepared for Lorian to be revived by Lothric after he had managed to slay him with a fatal blow by his curved sword. He hadn't thought such a thing was possible, that those words Lothric were whispering in his ear were ones that would return Lorian to life. While he was stuck by awe at his resurrection, that damned flaming great sword also struck him before he could react.
That was his end, the blade cut through him with ease and for a moment, everything burned as his vision faded to darkness. However the burning was for only a brief moment, for in the next it had disappeared entirely. As it always did when he was slain. He had grown accustomed to it, the brief flicker of pain as he died, followed by the chilling numbness as he was transported back to the Firelink Shrine.
The type of pain varied based on how he died. If he had been made into a human pin-cushion by an assortment of sharp weaponry, then it was just a type of piercing pain that seized his whole body. If it was by being impaled by a beam of ice, then he just felt a gripping cold that would stay with him long after he was transported back to the shrine. He wouldn't be able to shake off that phantom cold for a long while, and it made dying by ice one of the worst possible ways to be defeated.
Fire, however, was one of the better. Or as better as methods for dying could get. It still hurt profusely, but like the ice, a phantom warmth clung to him long after he would awaken. And he wasn't opposed to that, to feel the warmth, even if imaginary, was…soothing.
"Welcome home, Ashen One," A voice greeted him as his soul and corporeal body were fully returned to the shrine. He recognized the voice instantly. The Fire Keeper. It was always her. Always the one who accompanied him during this. Every time he inevitably was slain by a foe, she was always there to greet him. Every time he returned in triumph, she was always there to quietly celebrate his success with him. Every time he wished to enhance his abilities, it was always her that would assist him in doing so. It was always the Fire Keeper that was there. In a world that was full of chaos and inconsistency, she was the one thing that truly stayed consistent. She was always one he could rely on, one he could count on. Like a…friend.
His eyes peeled open, staring up at the curved ceiling above. The Fire Keeper was on the peripheral of his vision, sitting with her head turned to face the fire instead of him. Though to be fair it didn't matter where her head was turned, she had no eyes. Or at least anatomically speaking. He wasn't certain, but he still believed that she could see in some manner or another, one that surpassed his basic human ability to see the world. He wondered if that was a better way to view the world, or if it would be better to give her the eyes that he'd found…
The Ashen One let out a low groan as he sat upright, there was no pain, but every time he died he was always struck with that feeling of grogginess as if he had just woken up from a long nap. Thankfully, this time it was also accompanied by a lingering phantom warmth that enveloped him.
Instead of rising to stretch and carry on with his business like he usually did, he remained sitting there. Not quite ready to face the prince duo again. His eyes were glued to the bonfire before him, the embers trying to gnaw away at the sword planted within. Their battle seemed just about as futile as his own. He knew that he would defeat Lothric and Lorian, he may get filleted a few more times, but he would do it at some point. But what after that? He would go to the First Kiln, probably die a few times, then link the fire? For what purpose?
It'd only restart again. Moreover, it seemed like it was only getting harder to achieve a rekindling. Hell, this time they had to resurrect old Lords of Cinders and the Unkindled just to get the job done- and being honest, who knows if he could even do it. What's to say the fire just wouldn't reignite this time around? He would be the dud that lead to the fire finally dying.
He was just like the one of the embers in the bonfire, trying desperately to burn and burn. But inevitably, the embers efforts would be pointless and they would die, then change would come. Just like the sword within the bonfire, there were some things that weren't meant to be burnt. And he pondered if this world was one of them. If it was better off in the dark.
"Ashen One, thou seem to be…very forlorn."
This time when she spoke her head had been turned to him, and his gaze drifted from the bonfire to meet her own. Instead of a subtle smile or a look of neutrality, he saw a small frown adorning her pale visage. Never in his time of knowing her had he seen her give an expression of sadness. His lips curled down at that, into a frown that matched her own.
"I am," He admitted, not pleased to openly confess such weakness. However, this weight had been bearing down on him since he'd seen Anri and Horace become hollowed. Since he'd had to…release them from that awful suffering. And while it hurt his pride a bit, the burden felt slightly less heavy when he admitted it.
There were a few moments of uncertain silence that followed his admission, and the Ashen One wondered if she'd say anything at all. But like always, she was there for him.
"Dost thou wish to confide some of thy worries and ease thine burden?"
Now it was his turn to be silent as he let his gaze wonder, trying to put his worries into proper words. How could he tactfully express his doubt about rekindling the flame to the one who tended it? How would she react? He doubted anger was a possibility, but would she be hurt? Would she feel mild contempt for him? More importantly, would this ruin whatever bond they had cultivated thus far?
As he tried to form his doubts into sentences, the Fire Keeper edged herself towards him and closed the gap a little bit so that they were only a few inches apart. As the silence passed she began to interpret it differently than what the Ashen One meant it to be. Her head had turned back to the flames, the frown still present as her voice was but a whisper. "I will not tell a soul, Ashen One. It is my job to serve you in thy journey, I would never betray thy trust. I'll take all thy words with me to the grave."
The Ashen One froze, the phantom warmth that clung to him dissipating as her words and their meaning sunk in. He realized that she took his silence not as him pondering how to convey his feelings, but him questioning if he could trust her? He wouldn't let her think that. No. It couldn't be farther from the truth. She was just about the only one he really trusted with this sort of personal information.
He reacted on instinct, his hand reaching out to gently seize her own. Her skin was rough beneath his calloused palm as his fingers slowly wrapped around her own. The sudden contact surprised her, but she didn't pull away. And neither did he. He wasn't sure if this was the right way to approach it, but there was no backing out. Despite the fact he knew she couldn't see him, he still looked to her face as she turned her head to him in confusion.
"I trust you a great deal. Please don't take my silence as me questioning on whether or not to confide in you. You have been here for me through every trial and tribulation, you have always aided me in moving forward, why would I ever have cause to doubt you? I am silent because…I do not know how to express my doubts. The fault lies with me. You have done nothing wrong, I trust you with my life. I view you as a cherished friend, Fire Keeper."
He was grateful to see his words erase the saddened expression she held, and it was replaced by another expression he'd yet to see from her. One of surprise. Her lips were slightly parted and due to her pale complexion, it was clear to see the red that danced across her cheeks like wildfire. This only lasted a few moments though, she was quick to regain her composure and form her lips into a small smile. Though she was betrayed by her cheeks that weren't able to contain the blush that brightened her features.
"It…joys me to hear such kind praise, Ashen One. I am deeply honored," She stated, and he couldn't help but flash a smile. "Please speak, Ashen One. I will not judge thou for thine worries. I wish to help however I may." She turned her hand over, her palm pressed against his own as she coiled her fingers around his own in return as she gave a brief and gentle squeeze. Encouraging him.
He returned the squeeze as he began slowly, "I have never feared my journey to rekindle the flame. I have had you and others by my side to guide me. However, I now find that I fear…I fear the act of rekindling the flame itself. I doubt if I even can in the first place. The flame seems like it is slowly losing fuel as each rekindling happens. Now it is so desperate as to revive previous Lords of Cinder and my kind so that we can rekindle it? I very well may not even be able to, maybe this is the time it won't be enough. Even if I can and I do, the process will just loop over repeatedly until it is no longer a possibility. I just doubt whether the cause I have striven for this entire time is one that is worth fulfilling, and I apologize to say that. I know your feelings for it and I hope you don't think less of me for this but it just seems so…hopeless. It's as if we are desperately trying to stop a change, but all we can do is briefly delay it. I wonder if it is worth it, or if the flame should be left to extinguish and let the darkness come in. Would that be so bad? It would be an unknown we face but...Is it worse than fighting an already lost battle?"
Silence followed. The flush on the Fire Keeper's cheeks had vanished by now, as had her smile. Her expression was one of neutrality, and no matter how much her searched her face he could not find any hint of how she may feel to his expression of doubt.
He felt her hand squeeze his once more, but this time it wasn't brief. Her other hand rose and clasped onto the top of his, both her hands now enveloping his own as she squeezed it. Almost as if she was steadying herself. She lowered her head, concealing her visage as she spoke.
"Thine worries are not unfounded. Everything thou have listed is valid to believe and worry for. I too have the same conflict deep within me. Despite my role and the very essence of who I am, I still wonder if it would be best to allow the flame to be extinguished. It is a part of me I try to keep buried deep, but it is always there. That same creeping doubt that crawls from the farthest corners of my mind and seizes me in moments of weakness." She paused, sucking in a breath of air as she stabilized herself before going on. "Thou art not alone in feeling this way. I understand the doubt that tears you apart from the inside. To even ponder this idea is a contradiction to who I am as the Fire Keeper. It is something I have never told anyone before, but I feel if there was ever someone to admit it to, it should be to someone who can understand. To a...friend."
As she finished speaking, her hands fell away from his and dropped into her lap. She had held so tightly to his own for strength, something to help keep her grounded as she revealed the question she had kept hidden all these centuries. The question that defied who she was. While confessing such a thing was arduous, having shared it with someone who felt the same doubt was oddly very soothing. She did not feel quite so alone.
"Just never forget that thou art not alone in thine fears, Ashen One."
He stared at her in slight shock, of all the answers he had expected this had not been one of them. To find that she, deep inside, felt the same doubt he did? As the Fire Keeper? It was something he had never guessed. Yet it comforted him in a way, knowing that his uncertainty was shared. At least he was being somewhat reasonable with his thoughts. They were shared by someone whose sole purpose was to make sure the flame was rekindled.
He reached both hands out this time and placed them carefully atop her own. He smiled, hoping that she could somehow sense it. "That means neither are you, Fire Keeper. Understand that just because of what we are does not determine what beliefs we should hold. Thank you for helping me understand that. I am grateful that I have you as a confidant. Neither of us know the right answer for what lies ahead, but we will find an answer. Together."
His words stirred feelings within her as the Fire Keeper felt a familiar heat rise to her face. Is this what it was like to have someone to be close to? Someone to call friend? It was a profound feeling. The way her heart seemed to beat just a measure quicker, how her face felt hotter than the sun itself, and how she felt strengthened and her resolve reinforced. But most importantly, the comfort she found in it was deeply cherished.
He rose then, his hands leaving her own. He stretched out, feeling his bones yield a satisfying crack. "I'm going to go teach Lothric and Lorian a lesson. And in that order as well," He mumbled the latter half as he prepared to depart. Before he did however, he spared a glance to the Fire Keeper. He was pleased to see that a smile had returned to her lips. It seems they had both managed to encourage one another.
"I shall be here when thou return, Ashen One." She nodded her head to him and he returned the gesture before setting out to collect the final Soul of Cinder. And he would do so without feeling a burden weighing him down any longer.
