Note: This uses bad language and LOTS of drug references. It sort of insults Harry Potter, even though I DO like the books, and the movie was pretty good. So you have been warned.



Harry Pothead and the Druggie's Stone



1 Harry Pothead was sitting in his space below the stairs like usual. He twirled a pack of cigarettes in his fingers and then quickly pulled one out. He stuck it up to his mouth and lit it. His eyes drooped and the corners of his mouth curved upward. He loved cigarettes more than anything, but Aunt petunia always made him smoke Marlboro lights. He hated those friggen things and wanted the real shit. The smoke from the cigarette puffed out the vent of his staircase bedroom. "Harry, the marijuana plant needs watering" He heard aunt petunia saying. He stuck the cigarette in the ashtray along with the millions of others he had. He opened the door leading to the living room and shuddered at the smell of clean, non-tar infested air. He walked to the kitchen and was greeted by the wonderful smell of marijuana smoke. He smiled and walked to the windowsill and watered the marijuana plant. Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia and Dudley were all sitting at the table smoking joints.

"No WAY, monkeys are purple DUDE, I fucked one last night." Uncle Vernon said slowly

"Dad!" Dudley started "that was my monkey you bastard, and it's rainbow!"

"No way DUDE! BIRDS!" Uncle Vernon said. They all laughed. Harry was green with envy, oh how he wanted to smoke a joint. Oh how he longed for it.

"Oh yeah, Larry." Uncle Vernon started.

"It's Mary, MAN, MARY!" Aunt Petunia coughed in.

"Whatever! DUDE, you got a letter today saying you got accepted into Hogthepot, school for pot smokers and pottery." Uncle Vernon said as he took another puff of the joint. Harry's eyes light up. Wait no. They became red from all the smoke, never mind, but he was still happy. Uncle Vernon then pulled a piece of paper out from his pants. "Here's the supply list. Go somewhere and get the SHIT. Here's some money." Uncle Vernon handed him a 100-dollar bill and the piece of paper. Harry read it.

10 packs of cigarettes

1 "How to smoke" book

1 keg of beer

1 case of "don't looked stoned" supplies

your choice of either marijuana plant, marijuana plant, or SHIT

see you when you get here.

In order to get here JUST FLY with your mind. Oh shit, I'm stoned again never mind, ask the people for platform "pot for three quarters."

"Uncle Vernon" Harry started "I'm going to need more than 100 dollars, you know the drug dealers charge at least 1000 for a marijuana plant."

"SHIT, why do you need money DUDE? Oh well get some of the SHIT off my desk. Make sure you sniff it for particles of crack first before you spend it." Uncle Vernon replied. Harry ran to his desk and got 5000 dollars. He caught a taxi and went downtown. He told the taxi driver to stop when he saw a sign saying "Drug dealers ally" He jumped out and walked up to different druggies and got his supplies. He took the taxi to the train station, paid the man and looked for platform "pot for three quarters" he saw a sign that said "pot for three quarters" and ran towards it. He wondered how to get to the train though. He saw a family with red eyes and knew they must be going where he was. He followed them and heard them ask a man standing behind a table for pot that cost one thousand dollars. He opened the door for them and they entered. He went up and asked for the extremely expensive pot too. He was also let through. He walked down a long corridor until he finally reached the "train" it was a LONG cigarette with a door on the side and was on wheels. He walked in and sat down. A few moments after he sat down the kid he saw earlier stopped beside him.

"HEY DUDE, MIND IF I SIT HERE?" he asked. Harry scooted over.

"No." Harry answered. The cigarette then started moving. Once it was moving for a while a lady came by pushing a cart.

"Want anything?" she asked.

"Oh no, I'm already stoned!" Ron, the boy, stated.

"I'll have the works." Harry stated and handed her a 100. She handed him chocolate covered pot, pot flavored beans, and other SHIT. He smoked the chocolate flavored pot and was in heaven. He looked at the card that was in the box and noticed it was a picture of Hogthepot's principle, Smokesomemore. Hey! You're the famous Harry Pothead aren't you? Do you have the T on your forehead? Harry moved his hair out of the way and showed a T, which stood for Truth. When he was a boy he was attacked by the leader of Truth, Voldermort, who attacked him with his package of eyeballs. He was the only one not to get turned off drugs that was attacked by him, and so he wears the scar.

Suddenly a girl stumbled into Harry's lap and he got.. Well... happy... ANYWAY. She grabbed his crotch and pushed herself up.

"HI!" She shouted. "I AM HERMIONE. I'm sorry I'm so weird, BUT THERE'S A VIBRATOR IN MY PANTS! I got it yesterday! HAHAHAHA OH SHIT!" she screamed and went running down the main aisle of the cigarette. The cigarette slowed down and stopped. They all got off the cigarette and were greeted by a pink elephant.. Harry thinks.. He was stoned so.. I think they were greeted by a man.. I THINK.. DON'T SUE ME! Okay anyway. The elephant called for first years and they went on boats toward the smoking building ahead of them. They all got off the boats and walked up the staircase following professor McSmokeall.

"I'll be right back!" She said and walked off.

"So it's true, Harry Pothead has come to Hogthepot?" Malfoy said. He was a stupid little kid who had testicular cancer twice, so has nothing left.

"Ha, NO SHIT!" Hermione said.

"FUCK YOU!" Malfoy snapped back

"Okay!" Hermione said.

"I'm gay!" Malfoy shouted back.

"Oh crap, never mind." She said. Professor McSmokeall returned.

"Follow me to the Potting hat." She said. Everyone followed her. They walked through an AMAZING room where everyone was sitting at tables. Cans of beer floated in the air with holes in them so they twirled around soaking everyone with Bud wiser. As they approached the hat they heard 3 people say.

"I'm"

"Hi"

"Er" Everyone started laughing and couldn't stop for 3 hours. Okay, so anyway when they stopped Professor McSmokeall started to speak.

"Dilbert" She called. Dilbert walked up and put on the hat.

"Heh, you do not have the power of the DRUGS man! WINDOW!" The hat shouted. So the hat was removed and he was thrown through the window to his death.

"Hermione."

"ADDICTED" the hat shouted. So she went to the tables.

"Ron"

"ADDICTED

"Ploop"

"WINDOW"

"Harry Pothead"

"mm, you are SO ADDICTED, you have GREAT potential! ADDICTED!"

"Malfoy"

"ADDICTED" anyway, there were more people, but I'm too lazy to write them all in.

Smokesomemore stood up and shouted "LET THE DRUGGING BEGIN" suddenly all brands of drugs, and all types of drugs appeared on table in front of them. They started.

When everyone was done they all staggered around the school and all fainted everywhere.

When they woke up they had serious hangovers so just slept all day

The next day it was time for class, but they didn't want to so they didn't go to class.

The next day they went to their first glass with Professor McSmokeall and when they entered late, they were rewarded with A's.

"Okay" Professor said, "you take the cigarette, AND PUFF AND BREATHE AND PUFF AND BREATHE AND PUFF AND BREATHE AND PUFF AND BREATHE."

They then went to the next class, flying lessons. They arrived in a field and the teacher staggered in.

"Welcome to your first flying lessons." She said. "Now pick up your back of powder while screaming UP!"

"UP!" everyone screamed and picked up the bag.

"Good, now sniff it as hard as you can" She said. Everyone did and all flew HIGHER than the birds (but you know, hi on drugs, they didn't really fly). Wow was that ever-CRAZY stuff.

Professor McSmokeall saw how well Harry Pothead was doing with controlling his actions. She ran down and got him and told him he should be in the Crackish Games. The first game is in 5 seconds, so he should go to the field. She smacked his ass and pushed him foreword. Harry went into his right dressing room.

"Welcome Harry Pothead!" The dude said. "Okay here's how it works. They make us sniff the flying stuff and the first one to touch a member of the other team wins. Oh yeah, they also make us strip naked to laugh at our retarded actions." They whistle blew so they tossed of their clothes and walked into the field. They picked up their crack bags and snorted the stuff. Their vision tripled and they wondered around, falling over. Everyone in the audience ROARED with laughter. Harry started singing the Antarctica national anthem, even though he had never actually heard it. He saw something in the distance and walked toward it. He grabbed a hold of it and started rubbing it up and down. In real life, though he was grabbing Smokesomemore's crotch. Everyone laughed and Smokesomemore smiled. While this was happening Joey was sneaking up on Harry and was right behind him. Harry suddenly felt sick and fell backwards, he felt something go up his ass, but he just smiled for he had won the game.

So the year went on like this for the rest of the year. Until one day when Harry was in Squirrel's classroom. After everyone left he closed the door and smiled at Harry, who was still there. He unwrapped his turban and turned around. Voldermort was there.

"You're drug addiction was more than I can handle AND LOOK AT ME! Now, you have the druggies stone, the stone I want that when I have control I can get my body back because it goes with the plot, and I can control all the druggies and stop them from doing DRUGS! AHAHAHA! Now you have the stone, it's in your kidneys, NOW GIVE IT TO ME! Harry pothead felt his pocket and felt a bag of crack he was practicing with in Crackish. He threw it at Squirrel who fell over and in his last breath screamed, "YOU'RE GOING TO GET CANCER" before he dissolved.

The year was over and not much happened. And so he got back on the cigarette and went back home.





Thanks for reading. Please let me know if I should parody the second one.