Dlbn: I own nothing but the plot. It all belongs to Yun Kouga. I make no money off of writing in this category.

000

It will start off innocently enough. His eyes will linger a second too long, her fingers will graze over his a little too softly. They're falling in love, falling together, and neither of them first realizes it when they meet for the first time in English 101. Their Sensei is the no-nonsense type who won't hesitate to call it to their attention that they're not paying attention. For a moment he is lost in her eyes and she in his smile. They are two separate people living two separate lives, but for a moment, their worlds have collided and become one.

Maybe he'll make the first move, maybe she will. Maybe she'll play hard to get or he'll act cold and aloof in the beginning. But in the end, one will give into the beating of their own heart and the other will slowly but surely follow suit. Maybe they'll realize it, but maybe they won't. Maybe they'll be teased about it by their friends and family behind closed doors until they finally realize that they've been lying to themselves the entire time.

Then, one day, it will happen. With a few shyly uttered words and a heavy blush, he'll ask her to the local coffee shop after school. With a deep flush and a little smile, she'll accept the invitation. One awkward little date will turn into two, two into three, and three into a relationship. It's starting off slowly enough; kisses are short and sweet, butterflies in the stomach flutter as fingers touch gently, hugs never linger. They'll keep themselves pure, keep themselves virgins, despite the teasing from classmate and friends alike for still having their ears. Long after high school is over, they'll have saved up enough from part time jobs to get a small apartment together away from their shitty lives in Tokyo. They'll be back one day, perhaps, but for now it's best to leave. He's left so much behind already; old friends he can no longer recall the names or faces of, a secret world of spells that he will never again take part in or retain knowledge of. She's lost very little; a few friends here and then, an abusive father and uncaring mother. In time, they'll learn to forget the pieces of them that are missing and move on. One day, it won't tear them apart inside.

He'll begin attending college courses while she stays home and maintains the house, working part time in a local coffee shop like the one they once visited frequently on their first awkward dates. From their budding relationship, life will blossom. One day she'll spend a little too long in the bathroom, emptying the contents of her stomach into the porcelain throne. One day she'll notice that her monthly schedule is off. She'll ignore it and attribute it to the stress of paying for their shitty little apartment on his and her shitty little salaries. When the pain and knowledge become too much to bear, there will be a test. The positive test marks will be something she does not inform him of yet. They're very young, only in their early twenties. It's too soon for their family to be expanding. They can barely afford themselves, let alone a child. Yet the knowledge of the life growing inside her will nag constantly at the back of her mind until she breaks down and tells him the truth.

They don't know what to do. Suddenly, they're just two high school kids in English 101; blushing and fidgeting when they realize they don't know how to process the feelings growing between them. A decision will have to be made. A trip to the hospital is in order. And when they come out, there is only two of them.

They can't speak, can't even look at one another without knowing the horrible tragedy that has occurred; the life that has been lost because of their careless actions. He'll begin to spend more time at college in the library studying for exams that are not to come for many months. She'll begin to retreat inside herself as she loses sleep. He will realize that things are wrong way before she does. When he convinces her to seek treatment, they diagnose her with depression and insomnia. Pills will be prescribed and, eventually, they will kick in and she'll be able to sleep at night and live day to day without breaking down into tears at the loss of their first child.

Years will pass and they'll be almost thirty when things begin to go back to normal. Suddenly, there will be vomiting and a change in schedule. She'll take another test to appease him when he assumes it's a pregnancy. She doesn't want the results to be positive, she wants it to be a no and for something else entirely to be wrong with her. When the little plus appears on the test, she doesn't believe it. It can't be right. Something else has to be going on; something masquerading as an unborn child. This time, they are more prepared. He's on his way to a degree in paralegal, and has one foot in the door for a job at a very prestigious law firm in Tokyo. They'll have to go back to the place they hate the most, but this time, it won't be just the two of them. He'll do it right this time. Soon there will be a ring and him down on one knee at her feet. It will take her a moment or two to catch her breath and compose herself. But she will say yes in the end. Their families will not approve. The lovers will be forced to endure their families saying that they're too young, that they're not ready to be parents; let alone husband and wife. The anger and resentment will come to a head and boil over before anyone is willing to put aside their differences for the child's sake. She can't endure the stress.

Their engagement will be brief; a couple months maximum. They get married at the courthouse for cheaper than an actual wedding right before she starts showing and can no longer fit into the size five dress she fell in love with the first time they went dress shopping. The wedding will be brief at the courthouse and the reception afterwards will be chips, dips, and soda at their apartment. His brother will offer them his full support and for the first time in a long time, he'll feel like he belongs.

Six months later, there is a cry, a gush of fluids, and an ambulance ride to the nearest hospital. It will take many hours of pain and screaming and cussing him out to the moon and back before there is a tiny, crying blue wrapped bundle in her arms. He's here. Their first born. Their son. She will name him Seimei, after the spring solstice. She has her reasons for this, yet she does not share them with him; she never will. He's scared. He's never been near a child as tiny and fragile as this little boy that his young wife is cradling in her arms. She is weeping tears of joy. How could they be given such a wonderful gift when a few years prior, they were willing to throw away a life as innocent as this one just because they were too afraid? There are much more deserving parents and families and people out there that could have taken the young one instead. But they were young and naïve at the time and didn't think of that. She can't help but wonder what the first child would have looked like. Was it a boy or a girl? Was their hair black like hers and her son's tuft of hair? Or was it the color of corn like her husband's? Did they inherit his plum eyes or her chocolate colored ones? Suddenly she isn't sleeping again. Suddenly the naughty thoughts are filling up her mind again and she's beginning to fear for the safety of not only herself, but the young child as well. She'll return to the doctor's for the same diagnosis and new medications even stronger than the last. They'll take a few weeks to take effect. And soon she's back to her old self and raising her son with a smile on her face and a heart full of love.

He's working at the law firm now, putting in long hours and late days, but they try to maintain a stable and healthy relationship for their son. He's two years old now and oh so curious. He gets into everything if you leave him alone long enough. There is something about this boy that is different, special, and she knows it. She just can't put her finger on it. He's an adorable child, she knows this and everyone in town tells her so when they see him. Everyone is infatuated with the little one and she loves it, and can tell that he does as well. He's always getting random little gifts from people, family and friends alike, and soon his room is overflowing with toys and his closet is overflowing with outfits that are both the right size and too big. Things have bene packed away and tucked into the attic, yet she still never seems to find enough room for the new things he gets. His father spoils him with a new toy once a week now that he has the money to throw away. She is no longer working at the coffee shop; she quit long before he was born. They don't need two incomes. They only need one another and their Seimei and they are complete.

It takes three more years for her to become sick once again. There is a third seed to represent their love growing inside of her belly. She can tell her husband is not thrilled with the news. There is a frown on his lips and a crease in his forehead when she tells him; the same exact look he gave her when they were young and she was pregnant with the first child they would have had. This is baby number three and he is not happy. One is enough for him, he says. He doesn't need another one. She offers the idea that it could be a girl and that their family would be complete. He tries to argue with her that it's complete as is. He tries to convince her to go to the hospital again before it's too late; to go for the same procedure that ended the life of their first unborn child before it ever began. She refuses. There's no way she can do that to another child; not after what they've created already with Seimei. She is starting to hate him and she can sense the hate in her son for his father growing as well. Does he know?

Not even a few months down the road, there's a lot of arguing; a lot of yelling and screaming. Curses are thrown from lips once too pure to speak them. He's staying away from the home longer, she's stopped taking her medications. Seimei is asking where his father is, though his mother is certain that her young son, aged four years old, already knows the answer and is only trying to see if she'll be honest. He's sizing her up; trying to decide who in his life is worth trusting whole heartedly and which are nothing more than filthy liars. With a smile she reassures him that he is just working late because he is a hard worker who cares for his family. She doesn't think the almost-five year old will believe her, but when he gives her a small smile and runs off to play elsewhere, she is relieved.

Exactly four months later, following the same horrible shrieking and stabbing pains in her stomach and back, she gives birth to their third child; another boy. Ritsuka, she will call this one, after the winter solstice. Once again her reasoning is nothing that will be shared. She is thrilled when a few hours later, her elder son comes to see the baby and is delighted instead of disgusted. He likes his brother and that makes her happy. Their father doesn't care much for the newborn; wants nothing to do with him for as long as he possibly can. She doesn't miss it when, before he leaves, her eldest leans down to the newborn's barely formed neko ears and whispers a promise to be a good father to him.

He's started coming home more by the time Ritsuka is two years old. Seimei doesn't seem to particularly enjoy his father's company and is happy when the blonde vanishes into his office to do whatever it is he does in there for work. For work, she will tell herself. Not for another woman, not for another life. For work. It's always work, work, work, and that's it. Family is too much for him. These children, his wife; they're too much for him to handle and he knows it. So he'll try to push them away. But when he takes Ritsuka onto his lap one night while doing a little work on his laptop, he'll realize all the reasons he simply cannot do that.

There are secrets between them now. She doesn't tell him that she's stopped properly taking her pills, and in turn he doesn't tell her about the pretty young women in his office at night after hours. She doesn't mention that she doesn't see him the way she used to, and he avoids telling her that he no longer feels as though he loves her. But for the children, they'll continue the charade of a happy family. They'll lie to one another if it keeps their lie to their kids afloat. Seimei seems to sense something is wrong when his parents are together; the now nine year old is too bright to think that things are okay. But she'll ignore it and pretend that he knows nothing more than his four year old brother does. He'll act as though nothing is wrong and she'll act as though her meds are working properly. She'll stay up countless hours throughout the night pacing back and forth in the living room while he sleeps soundly away in their bed upstairs or downs cups of alcohol in his office in between paperwork that he claims he is filling out. His time away from home becomes a little more frequent. And when he lies to her that he is going away on a business trip and will be back before she knows it, she'll crack a smile and pretend that she doesn't know that he's lying through his teeth.

Seimei is a freshman in high school and Ritsuka is in the fourth grade when a terrible tragedy occurs. The ten year old boy's memory is stolen from him in a freak accident at the local amusement park. No one was watching him and he got injured. She'll blame him for not paying close enough attention to their children, and he'll blame her for allowing them to go off to the Ferris Wheel together. They'll hide the blame behind false masks of calm. She'll spend hours with him in the hospital while his father goes out and buries himself further into his work and closer to the bottom of the bottle.

Before anyone can blink, the dynamics of the household have changed. He no longer comes home after work, and she can no longer look her youngest son in the eyes. He's so different now, so unlike the boy she raised and knew to be one way and not the other. This new Ritsuka is a false Ritsuka; the least rational part of her mind argues that he must be destroyed. Unable to stop herself, she will begin to physically assault her son. She'll hope to beat the sense into this fake and make him go away so she can have her actual son back. Her husband will say that he is ill and that she can't fix it. Her elder son will beg of her to leave him alone and fix him when she hurts him. She doesn't want Seimei taking charge. She wants her husband to get his straying rear end home and defend their son. She wants the blonde to shield the young neko with his body, wants him to yell at her for what she's done, wants him to call the police and have her taken away. She's silently begging him for help; begging that he saves her son from her own hands. Once he refuses to come home and protect his son, she starts to realize her medicine is no longer working.

He's dead. He's dead. He's all long gone and dead. Burned to death in a fire in an elementary school classroom. At a desk. His brother's desk, the fake's desk. Why won't her husband come home now? Who is left to defend Ritsuka now that her precious first son has been taken away from her? He promised to rescue her from his useless father and the horrid life he's stuck her into. Now she's stuck. There's no way out. Her husband is weak. The fake son is weak. Seimei was strong. He was brave and courageous and willing to do anything for his mother and baby brother. Her husband is a coward and a pathetic excuse for a man that won't even come home to check up on his dwindling family. She's beginning to slip into insanity, even if she doesn't realize it yet. But once she does realize it, it may already be too late.

They've moved. Kyoto holds too many bad memories for them. It's been two years since His death. The damage she inflicts on His brother-the false son, she reminds herself-has escalated. He bears injuries now on parts of his body that can easily be seen. He covers them with bandages, fakes a smile, and moves on. She cannot stop herself. This is her son, she knows that-really she does!-but she cannot stop herself from hitting him. Can't stop throwing things that shouldn't be thrown and saying things that shouldn't be said. She can't stay her fist or clear her too-crowded mind. He still doesn't come home often enough to make a difference. When she sees him, her anger only increases and she lashes out more at the young boy; the one target she can hit that won't hit back but will cry out and give her the satisfaction of hurting someone. She wants it to be him. She wants her husband's face to be the next thing she hits. It never is.

He's stopped coming home completely. Their only remaining child is fourteen years old when his father packs a suitcase and just never comes back. He's seen his father out and about with another woman around town. She's seen him around with this other woman as well. The wife is being led on by a cheating husband who has gone astray. When she looks into the pained plum colored eyes of her not-son's that match his deadbeat father, she can't help but lash out much harsher than before. One injury a week turns into one every few days. She will be relieved when an older blonde man takes her not-son away with him and leaves her lonely in the big empty house with three bedrooms. Only one will be used now, and that makes her smile. He is gone. The fake is gone. Seimei is gone. Their unborn child is gone. She is alone.

They now loathe one another. As he tosses paperwork for divorce ever so carelessly onto their kitchen table, she launches into a frenzy. He feeds into her hysteria; tossing items at her after she tosses them at his head. She screams and cries that she hates him. She's done dealing with the blonde male anyway! He's done nothing for her or her sons and he will continue to do nothing for them. She can't get the golden wedding band and miniature diamond ring off of her finger quick enough. They're in the trash compactor now; the appliance screeching loudly in protest at the metal being thrown into it. He's angered, she can tell, but she doesn't care. She gave up her first child. Her second child was murdered; the killer never found. Her third child became someone new and then ran off with someone she'd never seen before. And now her husband is packing his things and leaving her for good. She's alone again. Just like she had been in childhood. The thought makes her sick to her stomach as she grabs a knife and makes quick work of attacking her own skin. He is there in time to stop her, but her mental state will not allow him to remain too close for too long. It isn't until their not-son comes to retrieve more of his possessions later that night that the weeping woman is finally able to receive the help she so desperately needs.

With his wife locked up in an asylum for an unspecified amount of time, he's happy to move on. This new woman, the one he finally got the courage to leave his wife for, and her son are the most important things in his life. His only remaining son lives with them now as court ordered, but it isn't a happy arrangement.

His girlfriend is quick to become his fiancé and then his wife. He can't imagine his life without her, although he's only known her for about a year or so. There is no unplanned pregnancy, there is no talk of getting rid of a baby. There is just them and the love between them. With eyes that linger and kisses that stay.

His relationship with his son is about as happy as the relationship he once had with his ex-wife. The young neko is confrontational and accusatory. He blames his father for his mother's deteriorating mental condition. He admits to being involved with a much older person-a much older male-and defies his father's wishes by constantly flaunting their unconventional relationship in front of his face. The lawyer can see parallels between this teenager and his own younger self. He recognizes it right away. Eyes that linger too long, touches and hand holding that seems to go on forever…he's watching his son fall in love in the same manner he did years before.

And the cycle repeats…

But for now, they'll still hold each other's gaze a little too long and touch their fingers for moments none too brief. Never knowing what their future will hold-their terrible future of heartbreak and death and pain. They'll continue on with their courtship of one another in happy, ignorant bliss. They'll endure the teasing of friends and family as they fall deeper and deeper into a relationship that was never meant to be. They'll defy fate and force themselves together like a frustrated toddler working on a puzzle much too advanced. They'll form a life together in time, but for now, they'll just bask in one another's company and stubbornly refuse to give into their feelings. They've both been hurt far too much by the people in their young lives by this point to let their relationship become anything other than a success. But that is only true for now.

In the end they will fall apart. In the end they will disintegrate into shells of their former selves. They are nothing more than two more unfortunate fighters against their fates. They're trying to reshape their world, but in doing so they will create a path of death and destruction that they won't realize they are on until it's far too late; until she's inflicting bodily harm on her only remaining child and he's spending all his time with women that will try and destroy his marriage and his life.

By the time they realize what they've begun, it will be far too late to stop it.