Chapter One

"Good Godric, have you gone completely insane?"

The screech caught Severus' attention and he looked up from his book to see what the disruption was. He often came here to this quiet park in Muggle London, to take a break from the magical world and relax. The bench he sat in was one of his favorite spots as it was off the main pathways, back in a little alcove of trees that provided both cool shade and privacy. And usually solitude. But not so much that today, it appeared.

He recognized that voice. Marking his page and closing his book, he laid it down on the bench next to him and slid closer to the end where he could peek carefully through the shrubbery. Sure enough, it was Hermione Granger: former student, all round know-it-all, and general sweetheart of the wizarding world. She stood with her mouth open, a shocked look on her face as she stared at the man in front of her, whom he presumed was a wizard.

"Mitchell Q. Crenshaw, have you been following me?" she asked. "I made it clear that it was over between us. And yet you keep showing up wherever I go, so I know you are following me. That's really creepy, Mitch, and it needs to stop now."

"Oh, sweetums. You don't really mean that," crooned the obvious dunderhead. "I want you to come with me for lunch today and meet my mother."

"Why on earth would I want to meet your mum? We're over. We went out for just a few weeks, including our last date which ended in an unmitigated disaster."

Mitchell grimaced. "Don't be like that, Hermy dear, it wasn't a disaster at all, it was sweet and tender and gentle. It was perfect."

Severus could see Granger's eyes roll from twenty feet away. He had to clap a hand over his mouth to keep from snickering. This was almost better than watching Muggle cinema, all he needed was popcorn and a cold drink.

Her voice was icy. "Were you in the same room I was that night? I should have cut my losses when you you insisted on keeping the lights off, though I figured you were just a little shy. But when you wouldn't even let either of us get completely naked, and the whole thing was over in less than two minutes—well, by any thinking, breathing woman's standards it was worse than a disaster, it was a full blown tragedy."

Ouch! Severus winced. A direct hit. Talk about cutting your losses, this idiot should get out while the getting was good. Granger would surely flay him alive—and after the scenario she'd described, who would blame her?

Mitchell, it appeared, was a little slow. He simply responded with a huff, "Don't be crass, darling." He shrugged as he pulled something from his pocket and enlarged it—a bouquet of flowers—stargazer lilies. "Well, I had a wonderful surprise all planned out but as you seem intent on ruining it, I guess I'll just have to do it here instead of in Hogsmeade." He shoved the flowers into Granger's arms and proceeded to drop to one knee.

Her eyes bulged as her mouth fell open in disbelief. "By Merlin's hairy arse, you truly are insane. What in hell are you doing?" She took a step back, brandishing the lilies before her like a weapon.

"I'm proposing to you, of course, you silly goose," Mitch explained in a tone one might use to speak to a toddler. "I'm mad about you, obviously the next logical step is for us to get engaged. Mother is waiting for us at Madam Puddifoot's to help plan the wedding. There's really no need for a long engagement, I think a June wedding would be lovely. Don't you, darling?"

Severus expected an explosion. He didn't have long to wait before she smacked the idiot over the head with the flowers in her hand. "I think 'mad' is the key word here, Mitchell. As in, you are utterly and completely nutters. You've gone round the twist, you're bonkers, one hundred percent, bloody batshit crazy! Mad, mad, mad, mad...MAD!" With each accusation she continued to whack him over and over about his head and upper body with the bouquet of lilies until all that was left was a handful of naked stems tied up with a pink ribbon. "And if you knew me well enough to propose, which you obviously don't, you would know that I absolutely detest lilies. I can't stand the scent, it reminds me of funerals and death and they make...make me... make... Achoooo! Make me sneeze!"

"Hermy, you don't mean any of that. It's clear you're upset, you're crying," said her would-be fiancé as he reached up, trying to grab her hand.

"I'm crying because I'm allergic, you arse," she snarled as she jerked out of his reach. "And because I'm furious. You are clearly unbalanced. A man doesn't propose to someone he's been on a handful of dates with, especially after she told him she didn't want to see him anymore. Your actions are not rational. Don't come near me again, Mitch, or I'll call the Aurors and get a restraining order against you."

"Now sweetheart, you know you don't really mean that," repeated two-minute Mitch as he reached for her again. Severus was chuckling at his nickname for the wanker when he noticed that said wanker's other hand was reaching for his wand. He wasn't seriously going to try to hex her, was he? Maybe he planned to use Imperio on her. Although Granger wasn't his favorite person in the world, Severus certainly wasn't going to stand by and allow that, especially when her reaction time was hampered at the moment by her allergic reaction and her emotional state.

Severus slipped from his viewing spot and moved silently to stop a few steps behind Granger. She took no notice of him, but Mitchell did. Severus' eyes narrowed and he shook his head at Mitchell whoever-the-hell-he-was, indicating he shouldn't even consider whatever he was planning if he knew what was good for him. Mitchell's eyes bugged out and he scooted back from Hermione.

"I saw that, you git." It turned out the witch was no slouch – even with her eyes swollen and tears streaming down her face, she snapped her wand into her hand and pointed it in the vicinity of Mitchell's family jewels. "Whatever spell you were planning to cast my way, don't even think about it. I'd be willing to bet everything in my Gringotts account that I can hex you more ways that you can even imagine and faster too. And right now I'm imagining quite a few. If you value your balls, get away from me Mitch, and stay away. Far away. If we happen to pass in the halls at the Ministry, just look the other way and keep walking."

His attitude suddenly changed direction by 180°. "Gladly. Everyone was right about you. You really are a bitch."

"Is that supposed to hurt my feelings? Yeah, I can be a bitch, it's practically a job requirement to work with all those misogynistic bastards at the Ministry. But to my way of thinking, that's better than being a joke. I suggest that you leave now before I decide to practice some of those creative hexes."

He started to walk away, then turned back. "Just so you know. That last night... it was a pity fuck."

Hermione laughed. "As far as fucks go, you're right, it was a real pity. I'd even be willing to testify to that."

Mitchell's face went purple with rage and for moment Severus thought the man was going to do something stupid. All it took was one menacing step from Severus in his direction for the wanker to turn and run from the park.

Granger stood tall and watched him until he was out of sight before her whole body slumped in defeat.

Before Severus had a chance to make a graceful exit, she turned, head down and barreled right into him.

Hermione watched Mitchell leave and wondered how she could have been so wrong—again. She'd had really bad luck in the romance department for the past few years and this was just the pièce de résistance.

Mitch had seemed so nice at first: sweet, and charming, and funny. But after a couple of dates he'd started to seem different, still nice—in a forced sort of way—but different. She'd thought maybe it was just that "getting to know each other" awkwardness. But things got progressively worse and when their first night of sex had gone so badly she'd decided to end their relationship before she got in any deeper. Not just because of the bad sex, gods knew she'd had plenty of bad sex, but she figured any guy she really liked was trainable...maybe. Something about Mitchell just didn't fit; they didn't have that spark and she knew she had to end it.

Apparently he hadn't agreed, as evidenced by his stalker-like activity. She sighed, hoping he'd got the message now. Mother of Merlin, men were so difficult. Now she was sad, depressed, and exhausted. All she wanted to do was go home and wallow all weekend in her pajamas with a tub of salted caramel ice cream and her favorite chick flicks. She'd close her Floo and turn off her Muggle mobile and just hide out by herself.

Not looking where she was going she turned to go and ran directly into a solid object, so hard that she bounced off and landed on her bum in the grass. Before she could figure out what had happened a hand reached down to grasp hers and pull her to her feet.

"Miss Granger, are you all right?"

Hermione blinked. She knew that voice. "Pro...Professor Snape? What are you doing here?" She squinted up into his concerned face and realized he was asking about more than just the fall on her arse. "Oh bugger, just how long have you been standing there?"

"More than long enough to know that you are well rid of two-minute Mitch."

Hearing his turn of phrase she groaned loudly. He'd obviously been listening for quite some time. Good gods, could this be any more embarrassing? Hermione realized that she still grasped the professor's hand tightly from when he'd helped her up. She pulled her hand away as she muttered, "Great, now my humiliation is complete. Will someone just shoot me now and put me out of my misery?"

"Nonsense, Miss Granger..."

She interrupted before he could go on. "Has no one ever told you it's rude to eavesdrop on others?"

"I wasn't eavesdropping, not intentionally. I just happened to be nearby and your dulcet tones were impossible to ignore."

"Ugh! You impossible man! You say you weren't eavesdropping? Yet you were clearly listening in on a private conversation, so by the very definition of the word you were eavesdropping."

"Ever the little know-it-all, aren't you? Some things never change, I suppose. Well, one could hardly call it eavesdropping when you two were airing your differences in a public park. Quite loudly, in fact. Besides," Severus continued with a shrug, "for my part, once a spy, always a spy, I guess."

Hermione tried to wipe her still leaking eyes. "A joke? You're making this into a joke? Do you find my humiliation funny then..." before she could continue she was overcome by a fit of violent sneezing.

Silently, he handed her a neatly folded handkerchief.

Hermione tried to glare at him but her eyes were stinging so badly she couldn't focus on his face. She snatched the hankie from his hand with a huff but nary a 'thank you.' She mopped the tears from her cheeks and loudly blew her nose. Clutching the handkerchief in her left hand, she pinched the bridge of her nose with the fingers of her right as she paused to catch her breath.

"Well, in spite of that I don't recall asking for you to interfere. What could you possibly have been thinking? What is it with men that they think they can just take charge of things that are absolutely none of their friggin' business? Like they know what's best for everyone else in the world, when in fact for the most part they don't have a clue. If you would have just minded your own..." She would have continued with her tirade but for the fact she was so short of breath she had to stop again to gasp for air.

TBC