The Moment I Knew
You know the worst part isn't saying goodbye… I don't even care if he does leave anymore because I already know it's coming. I can feel it when I kiss him and realize that I poured my entire heart out into it and he… doesn't.
Staring at the snow falling down from my window, I know that the ending is near. Just like how fall and winter took away the flowers from spring and summer, he's taking my heart with him every time that he argues over simple, little things that didn't use to bother him at the beginning. And he only breaks it a bit more every time he only stays away from me. But most of all, I know that he has changed when I look into his eyes and try to read him like I used to. I try to read those hushed whispers of I love you and those quiet utters of I care… but I can't. Because every time I look into his eyes now, all I see are those harsh words of him asking me why is this relationship still… going?
And it hurts. These moments hurt more than the fact that I already know he's gone. Because all he's doing is breaking my heart slow. He thinks he's easing the pain but it doesn't. It only gets worse as he makes me wonder how something so beautiful could crash and burn after all this time. He only hurts me more as he gives me hope that this is only a phase. That things will get better tomorrow, that come tomorrow's dawn… things will be the same… that when I look into his eyes or kiss him… he'll be pouring himself to show me how much he loves me.
But it doesn't.
Turning my view back to the crowded room, I can't help but feel foolish. I should be with them; laughing and dancing my time away. I should be smiling and feeling carefree but I can't. My longing heart doesn't let me. So instead I watch from a distance and wait. I stay seated as I keep looking out the window that has the view to street. Hoping and wishing that a car will pull up soon. And that maybe he'll walk up those stairs that lead to the front door.
I keep looking out and have a couple of small conversations with some friends who come and go. But all I can think of when Trish tells me that I look beautiful, is that I haven't had the chance to show off my dress. I spent the entire day shopping for it, hoping that he would be impressed. Wishing that he might give me an honest compliment if I played the part. I even put on my red lipstick that looks elegant. I know that right now I look like a doll. I haven't had an opportunity to make my make-up fade or get my hair messed up. And this hurts as I keep looking at the clock that hangs on the wall to my hands.
I shouldn't be paying too much attention. I shouldn't be wishing for too much, but what else is there that I can do? The clock on the wall seems to be ticking louder than the music in the background. It forces me to gaze it every other minute. It is a constant reminder that he is still not here. And it's a false hope as I tell myself that he's running late. The clock just makes me glance at the door every five minutes and keep my phone in my lap with the anticipation of getting his call. And with each second that goes by, I hold on to his words to give me courage; to help me withstand the fact that I'm waiting for him to show up. The words of, "I'll be there."
I remember when he voice used to bring me comfort. His words would make feel safe. Now all his does is play this game of hide and seek. The one where he tells me a promise and it's up to me to see if he's hiding a lie or telling the truth. I know it's been a long time since he has said anything and meant it. Even when I hear him say I love you, like the first time he did so… it just doesn't feel right. It only leaves me restless as I wonder if he ever did love me. Because when you love someone, you don't put them through the pain he's putting me through.
But I keep believing. That's all there's left to do. I remember how he once used to look at me like I was the only thing that mattered. He used to look at me like he needed me more than the air he breathed; more than the need to live. When he used to kiss me and mean it… not like how his kisses now leave me confused. And as people come and go. They ask me how I've been. They ask me how he's doing. And I don't know how to answer. What am I supposed to say? That I feel like I'm falling apart in front of them? That I'd rather disappear from here and start all over again in a place where I don't know him? Or do I tell them my restless wishing. Do I tell them how I am still hanging on by the loose thread that is centimeters away from breaking? How I know this story is coming to its ending but I try to extend it by only reading a word each day to make it slow down?
When I look at the clock again… I know he's not coming. It's close to the end of the party and he is not coming. He left me hanging in thin air. He knew I had the water up to my chin… and he let me drown. I don't know what to do. I just want to leave. I want to be alone. I don't want to be surrounded by people who keep asking me to dance. I don't want the gleaming lights or the music. I don't want to be here alone. I don't want to be standing here in a room of crowded people and feel loneliness because he's not here.
Not thinking straight, I decide to go and lock myself in the bathroom. I can already feel the tears on the brink to fall. I can feel my eyes getting warm and my eye sight getting blurry as I walk through the hall. Everything looks chaotic and weird as I walk by people who don't notice a thing. They just keep laughing. I'm about to close the door when I hear someone shout, "Ally!"
And my heart skips beats. A small smile forms on my face. The doubts that were taking over my mind vanish into thin air as fast as they came. I whip a small tear and I open the door wide to see him. But when I look… it's not him. It's Dez with Trish. Both reflect the same emotion as their worried gaze makes me break down. It makes that sinking feeling that was starting to go away come back in an instant.
I don't have to say much. I just have to softly whisper, "He said he'd be here."
And as they share a quick glance to each other, they know who it is. They know who I am talking about. And I know they knew the entire time that he hasn't showed up but were hoping just for my sake, that he would. They try to comfort me with lies, but I can read right through them. I know they just want to make me feel better. And after I hear Trish say that I shouldn't be in tears when I blow out my candles, I pull myself together… just for their sakes.
But as they lead me back to the birthday girl's seat, each step seems so hard to take. It's as if it takes all of my will to move at all. Almost as if I'm about to collapse at any second. And as I see the people cheerfully gathering around me, as the cake is brought into view, it takes everything of me to not break down. It takes everything of me to show the small smile that seems to be fooling everyone but Trish and Dez.
Then the lights are turned off as the candles of the cake bring the only brilliance to the room. And I look around the room. Everyone is singing, "Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you." But all I'm wondering is that they shouldn't be telling me this because there is nothing happy about this year's birthday for me. And as I look at each face, memorizing the flickering light on their face from their candle, all I can think how this is the first birthday since I've met him that he hasn't been here with me to wish me a happy birthday. That he is not here to give me my birthday hug or hear his voice sing with the rest of the people.
But time doesn't freeze. It doesn't slow down to let him catch up and be here if he even plans on coming. It doesn't allow him to change his mind. But it goes fast enough to make me realize that this is the goodbye. This is how we're ending. This is where I read the last word from the story of our book and turn the last page to close the cover. So I blow out my candles. And for the first time I don't wish for a miracle. I wish to erase any memory of him as I close my eyes and hear people shouting congratulations. That's what I wish for.
And as slow as time seemed to tick by at the beginning, it's all too soon when people leave the house and leave me alone… just like he did. I don't change out of my party dress. I don't even take out my makeup nor undo my perfect hair due. I just go to the middle of the dance floor and soft whisper to the cold air, the stars and gleaming moonlight, "Happy Birthday to you. You're a hundred and two."
I say the same words that Austin has told me for the past years of our lives. And as if on cue… my phone rings. But I don't need to check the Caller ID because I know who it is. I know his voice to well to confuse it. I know him too well to make my birthday wish come true
I don't say anything when I answer him but he does. He softly says, "I'm sorry I didn't make it."
And at this moment he does meant. I can tell by his voice. I can tell he's been crying. And I wonder why he would be crying if he got what he wanted. He got me to realize that there's nothing left to say or do. I already know that he's going to stop by tomorrow to tell me his excuses and broken promises. And I only have the words to say, "I'm sorry too."
And these are the hardest words to say because we don't get a sweet goodbye. We don't get one last chance. I only get a broken heart and he gets a guilty conscious. And this is the moment I knew.
