Okay, so I know this is kind of confusing. Here are the speech patterns for the different characters:

This is Madara Uchiha talking as omniscient god.

THIS IS ME, THE NARRATOR TALKING, OR BEING REFERRED TO.

This is someone thinking.


Ahem, inhabitants of the Naruto Universe; May I have your attention please?

A voice boomed out across the world, making everyone freeze in place as the sun began to set.

Then, throughout every country, hidden village and subsequent Kage tower, there was the sound of coffee, tea and sake being sprayed across the room.

"Yes! Dattebayo! I knew it was all about me!"

There was a thud from the direction of Konoha. "Baka! There's some voice coming out of the sky, sounding suspiciously god–like, and you care what it's calling the world?"

Yes, as I was saying...

Is this thing even on?

Cosmic microphone tapping made everyone wince and chorus loudly "Yes!"

Ah, good.

Well, as I was saying, there's been some change in protocol. My name is Uchiha Madara, and I have been granted temporary control of this universe while SHE is on vacation. A few universal–rules are going to change, some old faces might reappear; you know that death is only temporary anyway. Therefore, I've called for a ceasefire. I repeat there is to be absolutely no fighting anywhere.

Howls of irritation came from across the globe, and the two earthbound Uchihas twitched violently.

I–

He was cut off by loud swearing and rude gestures in the general direction of the sky.

honestly! You're all behaving like children–

Queues started to form in the streets as people vied to shout obscenities skyward. Hyuuga Hiashi got only a few words out before his eldest daughter swore as she'd been taught by Inuzuka Kiba, startling the clan leader into a blush. In Suna, the Sabaku siblings screamed from the top of the Kazekage's tower, egged on by Shukaku, who was rooting and punching his paws into the air of his mental cage.

Listen, I know you're a shinobi world and all–

Deep in a forest, Orochimaru and Kabuto stuck out their tongues and made rude noises of defiance; it was much more impressive than it might otherwise have been considering how long their tongues were. In the Akatsuki's hideout, Konan sighed and her paper creations formed giant letters in the sky that voiced the world's general opinion:

"SCREW YOU."

There was an affronted noise from Madara, wherever he was.

What choice do you have? If you do not comply, I will inform HER. SHE will not be merciful; in fact, SHE will most likely do unspeakable things to you, the likes of which you've never dreamed.

Morino Ibiki, torturer extraordinaire, and Sannin Jiraiya, Konoha's resident pervert, snorted in unison. Obviously Madara had never seen their dreams.

You require some taste of the horror, I presume?

There were shouts of "Hell yes!"

Very well. If SHE comes back, SHE'LL start changing people's genders.

There was instant silence as everyone considered this.

Then there was a quiet creaking as everyone got up and dug out their white flags.

I suppose you've all seen sense. Since this is the Naruto Universe–

"Dattebayo!"

the center of treaty negotiations will be Konoha. Argue with me and you could wake up without your important bits. All criminal organizations, including those fighting for world peace; busses will be sent to pick you up in a week, so get packed. Remember, no violence, bloodshed or death. So, um, that's it.

The voice sounded almost apologetic.

I'll be watching and I'll see you in Konoha in a week or two. But you won't see me, obviously...

Madara sweat-dropped at his own awkwardness; obviously geniuses were built without social skills.

Just drive safely.

For the third time, a moment of hush fell over the world, broken only when Tayuya of the Sound Four spat on the corpse she'd just strangled and dug in her pockets for a cigarette lighter.

"I hope Nara is right about these things," she muttered, taking a deep draw of smoke, "I'm gonna need to be pretty damn high to survive this."

–––––

Gulping and praying that no one she knew was inside, Haruno Sakura pushed open the door of the adult novel store that Kakashi bought IchaIcha Paradise from.

Ever since the strange announcement had been broadcasted universe–wide a week earlier, Sakura had been searching for a job. Once it had sunk in that no missions meant no paycheck, ninjas from every village had been scrambling for work. Normally, Sakura would have been assured a job at the hospital at least, but suddenly almost no one was getting hurt. It was odd, the way people stopped falling off of ladders when their gender was taken out for review.

The door swung open with a cheerful jingle and Sakura flushed beet red. Nara Shikamaru was rifling through the shelves, a few books already stacked on the counter. He looked up when he heard her and suddenly they wore matching expressions of horror.

"I'm only here to pick up stuff for my dad!"

"I'm only here to get a job!"

They both sighed and smiled slightly, although the cogs were still turning.

"When you say a job–"

"When you say for your dad–"

They fell silent again, crimson from the neck up.

Sakura was the one to break the embarrassed silence. "If you ever talk about this again–"

He held up a hand. "Agreed."

She nodded and watched Shika pay before talking to the woman behind the counter about a night job.

–––––

"But I want to sit next to Sasuke–kun!"

Karin's head of smooth burgundy hair was twitching angrily. She'd been busy loading all of her baggage into the bus and Suigetsu had taken the opportunity to block the aisle, giving their irritated leader three rows of space.

The silver haired missing–nin in question shrugged and grinned, showing all of his teeth.

"First come, first serve–Ow! Hey!"

She'd smacked him in the head. Muttering dangerously, she slipped into the row across from Suigetsu and settled for gazing adoringly over her shoulder at Sasuke's head.

The driver turned to glower at them and pushed his tinted sunglasses further up the bridge of his nose. It was Ebisu. It was always Ebisu. No matter where or when, you could always count on your irate bus driver with a nervous tick to be Ebisu.

Team Taka had a long bus ride ahead of them.

–––––

When the bus pulled up in front of Orochimaru's base, Ebisu was surprised to find five teenagers badmouthing one another and trying to shove the others into the street.

"Oh dear, children!"

There came the Snake Sannin presently, clutching lunchboxes and handkerchiefs.

"We almost forgot these!"

One by one, and grudgingly at that, the teens allowed themselves to be manhandled, and in one case womanhandled, into hugs while Orochimaru beamed proudly. "Come on, Kabuto! We can't dawdle here." He led the way onto the bus and stowed his luggage overhead, smiling as his students filed on and did the same. The bus's engine started almost of its own accord, anxious to be relieved of its terrifying passengers.

"Alright, everyone! Who wants to sing a song on the way to Konoha? Everyone? Oh boy; here we go! Ninety–nine jugs of sake on Tsunade's desk, ninety–nine jugs of sake! Take one down, pass it around, ninety–eight jugs of sake on Tsunade's desk..."

Very carefully, fingers shaking, Ebisu pushed up his glasses and focused on not driving the bus off a cliff in order to stop the inane off–key singing.

–––––

As Kakuzu locked the hideout for the last time, he held his breath and waited. Sure enough...

"Kakuzu, could you open the door again? I seem to have forgotten my acrylic paint set, yeah."

The bus parked outside had been waiting for nearly half an hour as Deidara remembered everything he might not have packed.

Nagato, Konan, Zetsu and Itachi were already in the bus with the recently resurrected Yahiko. None of the Akatsuki members was quite sure about Nagato's place in things, but they weren't about to argue with the man who had threatened to show Konan their porn stash.

The bus also held Kisame, Hidan and Sasori, who were sleeping off hangovers; the neighboring villages had been much more willing to party since the ceasefire had been put into effect.

Kakuzu would have been on the bus if Deidara hadn't insisted on triple checking every piece of clothing he owned and then going back for more. Growing irritated with the blonde missing–nin, Kakuzu decided to lock the door, life him bodily and throw him into the storage compartment beneath the cab.

"Hey–oof!" The door slammed and Kakuzu glared at the bus's occupants as he climbed in.

Ebisu straightened his glasses, sniffed his disapproval and floored it. He'd had enough of Zetsu's plant descriptions to last him a lifetime.

There was a muffled sigh as the bus sped off.

"This reeks, yeah."