Moetsukita chihei no karata
Hitosuji no asahi ga kagayaku
[Beyond the burnt-out horizon,
A single ray of the morning sun is shining.]
I get up from my slumber and glance around me. Bad idea. My head feels like
it's about to split open, and my insides have turned to mush. I promptly
turn over and vomit.
When I'm done, I feel a lot better, like I've somehow managed to cleanse
myself of all the stains on my soul by purging them from my body. But as
I survey the ground under the rising sun, that feeling of... disgust comes
back over me. Usually, I just push it away, because it interferes with my
mission. But today, I don't have the strength to bury it. Today, I take
the time to look around. The dawn seems troubled, somehow, and I don't
blame it. The ground is scorched and blackened with soot and ash, and
pieces of fallen metal gleam like tears on the face of the earth. What
few trees remain are burned and charred, and there isn't one sign of
life for miles around.
So why am I still here?
It was another battle, I know. Another mission. Another squad or five of
Leos to take down. And I did it, too. I destroyed them all, like I was
supposed to do. But I had to... I had to... what did I do that I can't
remember, that I'm sitting here in the middle of a bloody battlefield,
with this feeling of guilt and tears streaming down my face?
Tears?
Yes, I'm crying. I wipe the little flecks of crystal away from me angrily.
I'm not supposed to cry. It's a sign of weakness. I can't be weak. I can't
feel sympathy, or kindness, or mercy, or love. But I can't feel pain,
or sadness, or guilt either. So why do I feel them now? What happened?
*Just push it away,* I tell myself. *It will go away if you push it away.
It always has before.* But I can't make it go away, this time. I try and
try, but I finally break down sobbing. With that last barrier down, so
many things come back to me...
Instead of sitting in some field of burnt earth, I'm sitting in the ruins
of a small town. I'm holding a little puppy in my hands. It's dead, dead
by my own hands. The puppy's owner, a little girl, is dead too, but I can't
find her body. So I settle for burying the puppy. I even decorate the grave
with a few flower petals I found blowing across the empty, rubble-filled
streets. But they see me... they see my compassion... and they drive it out
of me. They drive it out of me so that I don't feel anything at all. I am
the perfect soldier now.
Now I'm falling to Earth, my mission a failure. The enemy has seen me. It
wasn't hard for me to plunge myself into the sea. Why fear death when
you've never really lived? Yet still, I'm alive. My training had been too
good. Mere water won't kill me. Then she finds me... And for some reason,
she puts herself in between me and that infuriating pilot. Sometimes, I
almost wish she hadn't, and that he'd killed me then. It would have been
a far easier fate than what he did to me later.
When I slice the carrier that was transporting those leaders in the Alliance,
I expect another mission completed. Instead, I find I've just made things
difficult for myself. In my first true failure, I killed those desiring
peace. Damn Oz. They tricked me, but I shouldn't have fallen for it. I'm
the perfect solider! KUSO!!!! So to make up for it, I set out to disarm
the missles that will destroy the base and the civilians in the area.
Another suicidal attempt, but it was my way of making up for my mistake. I
succeed, of course. Later, I will go out to each of the families of those
leaders I killed, hand them a gun, and ask for their justice. None will
give it. But I deserve to die.
It is that type of thought that leads me to self-destruct my Gundam. She
was going to blow up the colonies unless we surrendered. But I couldn't
hand over my Gundam to the enemy. So I pushed the button without a second
thought. I was supposed to die then, too. But again, my training had been
too good, and I survived. I heard later that the other pilots were moved
by my example, and wanted to become as strong as me. I wanted to scream at
all of them, tell them I wasn't strong at all, I was weak, too weak to
resist even an order to end my own life. But I am the perfect soldier, ne?
I don't question orders, and I don't show weakness.
I must have tried to self-destruct again last night. Yes, that would explain
my current physical state. But why did I self-destruct? I was obviously
winning the battle. Which is odd, considering the five squads of Leos. I
must have had some help.
Oh, yeah. I accidentally killed my help. That's why I self-destructed.
What he did to me... I don't know how he did it, but he wormed his way into
a heart I thought I buried with that puppy long ago. Heh. Well he is always
claiming to be Shinagami, the god of death. I suppose it wouldn't be beyond
his power to resurrect a dead heart or two.
I couldn't kill him. Instead, I rescued him when he should have been left
to die. He was always creeping into my thoughts, even when I was supposed
to be focusing on the mission. Somewhere down the line, I stopped being
annoyed by this. I started to enjoy thinking about him. And before I
realised it, I was in love with him. But I could never tell him. It might
get in the way of the mission.
But now look. What has the mission accomplished? Five squads of Leos, twelve
per squad. Sixty people down in one night. And that's just one night, and
just my body count. Thousands, hundreds of thousands lost to the war.
Soldier and civilians alike. And those are just the dead ones - never mind
the ones whose lives were ruined, and now have to keep on living without
being alive, coping with having lost everything.
And him. I've lost him. The most important thing in the world to me, and I
threw it away so I could throw other people's lives away. I never understood
that damn Treize and his ranting about honourable battles. His subordinate
Zechs had the right of it - battles are dirty and bloody and brutal.
Yes, now I remember why I tried to self-destruct. Better I go than I take
any more people with me, be they guilty or no. They can't be as bad as me.
I kill without feeling, even when I kill the one I love the most. The
tears finally stop flowing; I'm out of tears. I cried them all long ago.
I stand up and start looking around for something sharp. I want to see my
Shinagami again.
Kizutsuitemo egao o wasurenai
Itsuka aeru ashita o sagasou
[Even if you are hurt, don't forget your smile.
Let's search for the tomorrow when we will meet again.]
Oh man, what a headache! Woo! Geez, you'd think a jackhammer had invited
all his jackhammer buddies to have a party in my head, and they'd all
gotten smashed on tequila. And I'm sore all over. But I get up anyway,
against my better judgement, and stagger around for a bit. Man, this place
is *wasted*! Did I do this? Nah... Well, maybe part of it. I can't remember.
The last thing I remember is...
Him.
I hang my face in my hands and drop to my knees, crying softly. Oh god, he's
dead. We were fighting off some Leos, but there were so many. So many. And
they kept coming. A sort of battle rage took over him, I guess. He went
berserk, and started killing everything and anything that moved. A civilian
carrier was trying to hurry its way out of the battle zone. He spotted it,
and went for it. I yelled and screamed at him, but I guess either he couldn't
hear me or didn't want to hear me. So I jumped in front of the blast. That
was the last thing I remember of last night.
Ah, my poor Deathscythe. You must be totaled, melted to scraps. But somehow,
it doesn't affect me as much this time as when it was destroyed previously.
I'm too numb to feel anything right now except for this big, gaping hole in
my being. I wonder if his gundam fared any better. Well, this time he won't
be able to use mine for spares. If I weren't already crying that thought
would bring tears to my eyes. I bet I could still scrounge up enough scrap
to fix it.
But why? The pilot is dead. There was nothing left out here - nothing.
Nothing but a bunch of twisted junk, looking like so many ugly scars on the
Earth's face. God... god... He can't be dead.
Maybe he isn't dead. Yeah, he can't be dead! He's the fucking perfect
soldier! He jumped out of a fifty-story building and survived, dammit! He's
got to be alive! I look around, and I can't see any signs of his Gundam.
Well, that means either he's left without me, which I wouldn't past him if
he was still in that berserk state, or he's been totally vaporised. I
prefer the first option, because that means he might come looking for me
when he's come to his senses. Probably not, though. He just considers me
another part of his mission tool kit. If I'm broken, he'll get a new one.
He's the first person I've loved who hasn't loved me back. And he's the
first real romantic interest I've ever had, too. Yeah, I've got girls and
guys both swarming all around me when I'm in civvies, and I've been on my
share of dates and stuff like that. But you know what? I never even kissed
a single one of them. They never meant more to me in any way other than an
evening's distraction.
It's kind of funny, really. All this time, people looking to me as the
master of trists, of getting away from it all, when in reality I can't get
away from anything! My past still haunts me. Solo, man, Solo... he was a
great kid. I wonder if he can see me now? I know he'd approve. Particularly
when I snuck aboard that ship that was carrying that Gundam. That was some
sticky stuff. I had to use every last one of my tricks. But I got on, and
somehow I just know that Solo was there, helping me. They asked me if I
was Maxwell's demon. I told them I wasn't a demon.
I am Shinagami.
So instead of throwing me in the kind of prison with stone floors and bars
on the windows, they threw me in the prison of missions. I had to protect
people. Me, who had lost everything important already. Looking back, I
guess that's the real reason why they picked me. They knew we'd have to
die in these missions, die by our own hands. They wanted to make sure that
we didn't have any ties that would hold us back. Oh, but they made a big
mistake. I had one very big tie to keep me fighting. It wasn't some run-
down colony, or even the memory of the church that kept me safe until it
was destroyed. It was him. Love for him, and the constant struggle to see
if he felt anything for me. It was a battle I never expected to be easy, so
I always had something to do, something to try for.
I gave him so many hints, subtle to obvious. I told him how much he meant
to me, but all he'd ever say back to me was "Hn" or "Aa," and if I was
lucky I got "Shut up, Maxwell." Ah, those three words. Funny how I longed
to hear them, because it meant he heard me. It sounds pathetic, really, that
I would humiliate myself and expose myself over and over, just to hear him
brush me off like some insect. I guess I figured that maybe someday he'd
get so frustrated with ignoring me he'd either follow up on that death
threat of his or buckle under and fall right back in love. I always thought
the first was infinitely more likely.
But now he's either dead or abandoned me. I guess I lost, huh? Well, I
guess it's about time I had a little reunion with Solo. We've got a lot to
catch up on. I smile, thinking of all the people I miss that I'll get to
see again.
I start looking for something sharp. I want to see my perfect solider
again.
Sayonara, higashi no sora e tabidatsu tori yo
Sekai wa itsumo omae no subete o tsutsumu
[Farewell, you birds who set off into the eastern sky.
The world will always embrace all of you.]
As I wander, I see a flock of crows fly by me towards the rising sun.
Strange, I didn't think anything alive would be out here. Fitting, though,
that it's these ugly birds that accompany me on my little wandering. Then
out of nowhere, a thought materialises in my head. Crows are supposed to
carry the souls of the dead into the next world. I wonder if my beloved is
among them? They certainly must have had a busy night.
For some reason, I can't find any sharp pieces of metal, or rather, anything
sharp enough to cut deep. I suppose I could snap my own neck. I ponder the
mechanics of that for awhile, and decide I'd be better off impaling myself
on one of those damned support beam poles that are lying around everywhere.
But those are both a little hard to accomplish... I resume my task-at-hand.
Ever focused on the mission.
There's so much I wanted to tell him, but I just couldn't bring myself to
say any of it. I wanted to tell him I listen intently to every last word
he ever spoke to me, even when I look like I'm concentrating on something
else. I wanted to tell him that I enjoyed it when he interrupted my work -
he was so much more pleasant than The Mission. My day just wasn't complete
without his inane chatter, and even though I pretended not to care if he
was there or not, the truth is I couldn't live without him. And here is
my opportunity to follow up on that... One of the birds has alighted on a
piece of wreckage near me, and it seems to be watching me. I could swear
it's been following me since I decided to kill myself. Maybe it's the one
who is supposed to bring me over.
I envy those birds. What a beautiful mission that must be, to carry souls
to Heaven or wherever it is they go. Flying free on the wind... I realise
that I've never flown in Wing just to fly. It's always been with a purpose.
Everything in my life had some greater purpose. I never enjoyed anything
simply for the sake of enjoying it. I wish he were still alive. He made me
want to really live! After the war was over, I always told myself, there
would be time to explore all of that. But it's too late now. The war may
end soon, but my time is up. There were so many things I wanted to do with
him, if he would have me. I even had a little platinum band set with a
diamond, flanked by two little black opals that looked like bat's wings
made for him. It wasn't an engagement ring, no, I'm not sure we could ever
be married, but I was going to give it to him when I told him I would love
him forever. Hell, maybe it *was* an engagement ring. Well, it's not really
important now. He's dead, and soon I will be, too. I finally see something
large and sharp sticking out of the ground in the distance.
Soon, I will be free.
Namida sae nakushita asa ni
Mou ichido nanika ga hajimaru
[On the morning when you have lost even your tears,
Once again, something new will begin.]
Sometimes I wonder if maybe he did love me. Once in a while, I would catch
him looking at me. But maybe he was just staring with disdain at my hair.
Sometimes, he'd brush the back of my neck passing me by. Or at least I
thought he did. He could have been absorbed in his thoughts, and not really
known where his hand was. Sometimes, his hand would rest on top of mine
for a little. But maybe that was just his way of saying "Move your hand."
I guess I'll never know. But what I would give everything to taste those lips
just once.
It hits me like a brick wall. I *am* giving everything to taste those lips.
We're both going right to hell, I know, but maybe I can make a little deal
and kiss him before we're sent to our eternal torments. I'm Shinagami, after
all. But what if he doesn't go to Hell? He's an angel, in his own way. It's
not his fault he's the way he is. And he's doing all of this for a noble
purpose. I know that somewhere, beneath that cold exterior, he has emotions,
and one of them has to be guilt. So long as he feels even the least bit
sorry, he gets to go to Heaven. At least that's what Sister Helen used to
tell me when I was really upset over some way I'd managed to hurt her or
Father. It never lessened the extra chores I had to do or anything, but it
was fair punishment, and I didn't have to deal with the guilt. I shudder
at the thought of what my own personal hell would be - feeling those lips
close to mine, hearing that angelic voice whispering in my ear, and never
getting to kiss him or to know if he was saying love or hate. Hell is not
knowing how the object of your complete, eternal love feels about you, and
they won't tell you or give you any hints.
I know when I fell in love with him. I could tell you the exact moment,
right down to the last detail. It was December 17, AC 195. It was a Friday.
Friday afternoon. I'd somehow managed to comvince him to go to a movie
with me. I had to keep pestering him, but I guess he finally realised it
would be easier just to see the damn movie than listen to me whine for the
next few weeks. But the movie we were going to see had been taken out of
the theatre the day before, and nothing else was playing at that time that
looked remotely decent. So we decided to wander around a local mall for
a little while. Odd, isn't it, how all this technological advancement has
only meant better ventilation in those mini hell-holes left over from
hundreds of years ago. We got bored quick, and went back to our current
house. We were just chilling in our room, and I had put on some random CD.
We were just sitting there... and then this song came on, and I started
listening to the lyrics for the first time. "Remember these days." I started
to commit the whole day to memory, knowing it would be important. Then,
"I love you, love you." I was staring at him when I heard those words, and
I knew that was how I felt. I've been his ever since, whether he knows it
or not. So I'm going to go to him now.
Oh, yeah. Suicide is the one sin you can't be forgiven for. So I am going
to Hell, and that's that. But I can't live without my love. I'm sure this
caring and forgiving God that Father always talked about will understand,
and let me get a nice glimpse of him before he's taken away from me
forever. I stop the tears that have been falling down my face all this time,
and prepare to meet eternity. I finally see something large and sharp
sticking out of the ground in the distance.
Soon, I will be free.
Oikaketemo todokanai mono nara
Inochi kakete kono te ni tsukamou
[If it is something you can't reach no matter how you pursue it,
Catch onto this hand even at the risk of your life.]
It's the tip of the wing of my Gundam. I can't believe it. That thing is
finally going to be the death of me. That's the sharp object I saw.
~
It's the tip of the wing of his Gundam. I can't believe it. That thing is
finally going to be the death of me. That's the sharp object I saw.
~
I walk closer, all the guilt of the years and missions sliding off my
shoulders like so much dead skin. I can never see him again here, so this
is my way out. My way to see him again.
~
I breathe a sigh of relief. My journey is almost over. I'm done chasing
after him now, this is the last step. I stumble towards the piece of Wing,
my body aching.
~
I stand next to the piece of metal, and put a hand on it to steady myself.
It's real, all right. I grasp the skinnier portion of it to snap it off.
But instead of cold metal, my fingers meet with soft flesh. I peer around
the wing, ready to strike at whatever enemy survived this suicide mission.
~
I nearly collapse on the hunk of junk, and lean against it to catch my
breath. Woo, what a walk. Now if I can just snap off a piece of the tip.
Snap off a piece of gundanium, sure. But there's bound to be some kind of
structure around it that isn't made of the cursed metal. I put my hand on
the tip, and instead of cold, I feel warm... someone's hand is over top of
mine.
~
I almost faint when I see who's on the other side of the wingtip.
"Duo?" I whisper softly.
~
A face peers round the wingtip. I take a step back, shocked. It whispers
my name, and I whisper back.
"Heero?"
~
Perfect solider be damned. I throw myself onto him, sending us both to
the ground, my arms tight around him. He's alive! He's alive! I've never
felt happier in my whole life! Hell, I've never even felt happy except
when I'm around him!
~
I am tackled to the ground by a vision of green cotton and black spandex.
He's alive! I knew it! I knew something as pitiful as a baseful of Leos
couldn't take him down. But what is he doing here? Well, it is his Gundam.
My thought slow to a stop as I realise we're still on the ground, and his
arms are around me.
~
Before I know what I'm doing, I'm nuzzling his neck and crying his name
in between sobs I didn't know I had left in me. But these aren't tears of
sadness, they're tears of joy.
~
I hear him say my name softly, choking on his sobs. I run my fingers
through his hair, pulling him closer to me. I rock back and forth with him,
calming us both down.
We're alive. We're alive! And we're together!
Flying away, kokoro no mama ni tondeyukitai
Flying away, kimi no tame nara sora o kakeyou, flying...
[Flying away, I want to fly away just as my heart leads.
Flying away, for you I would race across the sky, flying...]
I pick up Duo in my arms and twirl him around in the air. He's impossibly
light for me. I can bend steel bars, after all. I'm grinning like a maniac,
I know. I just want to toss him up in the air and follow him in a never-
ending flight. But first...
"I'm sorry," I choke out. "I'm sorry I messed things up. I thought... I
thought... I thought I'd killed you."
"Killed me? Nah! You can't kill me! I'm Shinagami, remember? If anything,
I thought *you* were dead!" Duo grinned lopsidedly at me, bringing a
genuine smile to my face as well.
I set him down on his feet again, my arms still around his waist. He
reaches up to me, and puts his own arms around my neck. I pull him in
close, and we stay like that for minutes, hours. Neither of us really
knows. Only when we break apart, the sun is almost risen. Looking into
his violet eyes, I lose track of why I'm here, of war and rage and missions,
and all of my being is about *him*. Nothing matters but Duo. I would do
anything for him. I tell him so.
He looks at me, surprised, as if after all of this he's still shocked to
hear words of endearment come from my mouth. "Duo," I begin gently, "I
know I haven't been very... affectionate... in the past, but I have... I
have..." I stumble over the words, unable to get them out of my mouth. My
brain is telling me this is counterproductive, but my heart is ready to
burst.
He reaches up and strokes the side of my face gently. He smiles at me,
sweetly, and puts a finger to his lips. "You don't have to say anything,
Heero. I know how you feel." Funny, how he seems to know that. I wouldn't
think he *could* know that, unless... unless... unless he felt that way too?
Finally, the last barrier is down. Finally, all those years of pushing
away my emotions lose their effect. My brain stops fighting my heart, and
they both come to an agreement: I should tell him how I feel.
"Duo, I know I've been cold to you, but I didn't want to get close. I didn't
want to hurt you, because I didn't think I'd survive for very long. I was
going to tell you after the war was over." I fumble around, and somehow
manage to find that ring. I slip it on his finger, and he looks down at it,
then up at me, shock widening his eyes. "I've always loved you, and always
will. You set me free, Duo Maxwell, and I would do anything for you, because
you are the only one who has ever made me happy. Please, stay with me,
wherever under the endless sky this war and our lives may take us."
Sayonara, higashi no sora e tabidatsu tori yo
Sekai wa itsumo omae o matte ita hazu
[Farewell, you birds who set off into the eastern sky.
The world is always waiting for you.]
As he speaks those words to me, more than he's ever said at once to me that
wasn't a mission briefing, I feel my heart stop and my breath catch. Then
that ring, on my finger... It looks like a bat. Like a little white bat with
black wings. I giggle a little, then look back up at him, incredulous. Does
he mean all of this? I guess he does.
"Heero, I will stay with you. I love you." The words are out of my mouth
before I even think to say them. I turn my head up a little to gaze at him,
and his eyes are blue wells of love and compassion. Not even a hint of the
old coldness and ice lies in them. He moves closer to me, and before I know
it his lips brush mine. But he's unsure. He's never kissed anyone before,
either, I know. He tries again, but he doesn't seem to really know *how*
to kiss. I've watched enough movies, so I give it a try... part my lips a
little, and take his in mine... And we are kissing. Heero is my first kiss.
Wow.
He takes a step back, and takes my face in his hands. The crows fly overhead,
resuming their journey. But there are two less souls for them to take now.
I watch as they disappear into the sunset. Heero is watching them, too, and
I know he had that same thought I did about the crows when they first
appeared over our heads. I thought they might be carrying his soul... and
I can see the relief finally flood his being as he realises once and for
all that this isn't a dream.
Flying away, kaze ni nakarete tondeyukitai
Flying away, kimi no tame nara jiyuu ni nareru, flying...
[Flying away, I want to fly away, drifting on the wind.
Flying away, because of you I could become free, flying...]
It's not a dream. It's not a dream. It's real. Duo's here, and he's mine.
But, something doesn't sound right about that. I'm here, and I'm his. There,
that's better. Did he know he owned my heart all this time? He's the only
one who ever will.
So now what? As much as I'd like to, we can't lie here forever. This is the
middle of a war. I prop myself up on my elbows, looking down at that little
impish face with its perpetual grin. "We have to go, koi. We can't stay
here."
"But how can we leave? Your gundam doesn't look like it's in any shape to
go anywhere. At least we won't have to worry about the enemy finding them!
You don't have to self-destruct this time around! Trowa told me once that
you said it hurts like hell. I hoped it wouldn't." Duo suddenly clamped his
mouth shut as those words left his mouth. He turned his head away, as if
hiding something. But I saw the look in those eyes. In a moment I understand.
He was headed for this little piece of metal for the same reason I was. I
turn his face back to me, and look him in the eye, frowning.
"Don't ever think about doing that again, koi. The world needs you alive
more than dead. Even..." I fight to spit out the words. "Even if I'm not
in it. I'm nothing compared to the millions who still need your help." I
know I'm crying again, this time a mixture of sadness and happiness. Sad
because the thought of him taking his own life breaks me in two, but I'm
happy because he's still alive.
"And you, Heero? The world needs you, too. *I* need you. You're all that
matters to me. So don't you try to self-destruct again, you hear? I just
won't allow it." He grins at me, and I know he knows why I'm here, too.
I stand up, and offer a hand to pull him up. On my feet, I remember just
how much we were injured. He starts to stumble, and I help steady him. I
think this is how I always wanted it to be - me, a support for him, so
that while I may fall he would never get the smallest grain of dirt or
blood on that pure soul of his. I look around for some means of escape.
Hmm... there's the head of Wing. It's still intact. And it's the right
distance from this tip, too. I wonder if...? I walk over to the head,
still carrying Duo with me, and press a button on the outside panel. There
it is, the little escape hatch down to the cockpit. I insist that he go
down first, so he does, too tired to argue. I close the hatch behind me
and settle into the familiar pilot's chair. It's not that badly damaged -
at the very least it will take us to the nearest sign of civilisation.
I start up the machine, hearing all the familiar whirrs and clicks. Duo
is sitting on the floor next to me, smiling contetedly, eyes closed. Soon,
I command the gundam to stand, and all the scorched ground falls off of
it and we are free of the clutches of the earth. It's gleaming in the
sunlight, I know, but I could care less. The warmth from his smile is all
I'll ever need again. I pull a few levers, and Wing transforms into bird
mode. If he hadn't been here... I wouldn't be here, either. I'd be a mess
of blood and flesh on the ground. Instead of being bound to the earth, I'm
in the air, flying away with him by my side. He has finally set me truly
free, and I fly us off the way those birds had gone, not caring anymore if
we do reach other civilisation, off into the rising sun.
Hitosuji no asahi ga kagayaku
[Beyond the burnt-out horizon,
A single ray of the morning sun is shining.]
I get up from my slumber and glance around me. Bad idea. My head feels like
it's about to split open, and my insides have turned to mush. I promptly
turn over and vomit.
When I'm done, I feel a lot better, like I've somehow managed to cleanse
myself of all the stains on my soul by purging them from my body. But as
I survey the ground under the rising sun, that feeling of... disgust comes
back over me. Usually, I just push it away, because it interferes with my
mission. But today, I don't have the strength to bury it. Today, I take
the time to look around. The dawn seems troubled, somehow, and I don't
blame it. The ground is scorched and blackened with soot and ash, and
pieces of fallen metal gleam like tears on the face of the earth. What
few trees remain are burned and charred, and there isn't one sign of
life for miles around.
So why am I still here?
It was another battle, I know. Another mission. Another squad or five of
Leos to take down. And I did it, too. I destroyed them all, like I was
supposed to do. But I had to... I had to... what did I do that I can't
remember, that I'm sitting here in the middle of a bloody battlefield,
with this feeling of guilt and tears streaming down my face?
Tears?
Yes, I'm crying. I wipe the little flecks of crystal away from me angrily.
I'm not supposed to cry. It's a sign of weakness. I can't be weak. I can't
feel sympathy, or kindness, or mercy, or love. But I can't feel pain,
or sadness, or guilt either. So why do I feel them now? What happened?
*Just push it away,* I tell myself. *It will go away if you push it away.
It always has before.* But I can't make it go away, this time. I try and
try, but I finally break down sobbing. With that last barrier down, so
many things come back to me...
Instead of sitting in some field of burnt earth, I'm sitting in the ruins
of a small town. I'm holding a little puppy in my hands. It's dead, dead
by my own hands. The puppy's owner, a little girl, is dead too, but I can't
find her body. So I settle for burying the puppy. I even decorate the grave
with a few flower petals I found blowing across the empty, rubble-filled
streets. But they see me... they see my compassion... and they drive it out
of me. They drive it out of me so that I don't feel anything at all. I am
the perfect soldier now.
Now I'm falling to Earth, my mission a failure. The enemy has seen me. It
wasn't hard for me to plunge myself into the sea. Why fear death when
you've never really lived? Yet still, I'm alive. My training had been too
good. Mere water won't kill me. Then she finds me... And for some reason,
she puts herself in between me and that infuriating pilot. Sometimes, I
almost wish she hadn't, and that he'd killed me then. It would have been
a far easier fate than what he did to me later.
When I slice the carrier that was transporting those leaders in the Alliance,
I expect another mission completed. Instead, I find I've just made things
difficult for myself. In my first true failure, I killed those desiring
peace. Damn Oz. They tricked me, but I shouldn't have fallen for it. I'm
the perfect solider! KUSO!!!! So to make up for it, I set out to disarm
the missles that will destroy the base and the civilians in the area.
Another suicidal attempt, but it was my way of making up for my mistake. I
succeed, of course. Later, I will go out to each of the families of those
leaders I killed, hand them a gun, and ask for their justice. None will
give it. But I deserve to die.
It is that type of thought that leads me to self-destruct my Gundam. She
was going to blow up the colonies unless we surrendered. But I couldn't
hand over my Gundam to the enemy. So I pushed the button without a second
thought. I was supposed to die then, too. But again, my training had been
too good, and I survived. I heard later that the other pilots were moved
by my example, and wanted to become as strong as me. I wanted to scream at
all of them, tell them I wasn't strong at all, I was weak, too weak to
resist even an order to end my own life. But I am the perfect soldier, ne?
I don't question orders, and I don't show weakness.
I must have tried to self-destruct again last night. Yes, that would explain
my current physical state. But why did I self-destruct? I was obviously
winning the battle. Which is odd, considering the five squads of Leos. I
must have had some help.
Oh, yeah. I accidentally killed my help. That's why I self-destructed.
What he did to me... I don't know how he did it, but he wormed his way into
a heart I thought I buried with that puppy long ago. Heh. Well he is always
claiming to be Shinagami, the god of death. I suppose it wouldn't be beyond
his power to resurrect a dead heart or two.
I couldn't kill him. Instead, I rescued him when he should have been left
to die. He was always creeping into my thoughts, even when I was supposed
to be focusing on the mission. Somewhere down the line, I stopped being
annoyed by this. I started to enjoy thinking about him. And before I
realised it, I was in love with him. But I could never tell him. It might
get in the way of the mission.
But now look. What has the mission accomplished? Five squads of Leos, twelve
per squad. Sixty people down in one night. And that's just one night, and
just my body count. Thousands, hundreds of thousands lost to the war.
Soldier and civilians alike. And those are just the dead ones - never mind
the ones whose lives were ruined, and now have to keep on living without
being alive, coping with having lost everything.
And him. I've lost him. The most important thing in the world to me, and I
threw it away so I could throw other people's lives away. I never understood
that damn Treize and his ranting about honourable battles. His subordinate
Zechs had the right of it - battles are dirty and bloody and brutal.
Yes, now I remember why I tried to self-destruct. Better I go than I take
any more people with me, be they guilty or no. They can't be as bad as me.
I kill without feeling, even when I kill the one I love the most. The
tears finally stop flowing; I'm out of tears. I cried them all long ago.
I stand up and start looking around for something sharp. I want to see my
Shinagami again.
Kizutsuitemo egao o wasurenai
Itsuka aeru ashita o sagasou
[Even if you are hurt, don't forget your smile.
Let's search for the tomorrow when we will meet again.]
Oh man, what a headache! Woo! Geez, you'd think a jackhammer had invited
all his jackhammer buddies to have a party in my head, and they'd all
gotten smashed on tequila. And I'm sore all over. But I get up anyway,
against my better judgement, and stagger around for a bit. Man, this place
is *wasted*! Did I do this? Nah... Well, maybe part of it. I can't remember.
The last thing I remember is...
Him.
I hang my face in my hands and drop to my knees, crying softly. Oh god, he's
dead. We were fighting off some Leos, but there were so many. So many. And
they kept coming. A sort of battle rage took over him, I guess. He went
berserk, and started killing everything and anything that moved. A civilian
carrier was trying to hurry its way out of the battle zone. He spotted it,
and went for it. I yelled and screamed at him, but I guess either he couldn't
hear me or didn't want to hear me. So I jumped in front of the blast. That
was the last thing I remember of last night.
Ah, my poor Deathscythe. You must be totaled, melted to scraps. But somehow,
it doesn't affect me as much this time as when it was destroyed previously.
I'm too numb to feel anything right now except for this big, gaping hole in
my being. I wonder if his gundam fared any better. Well, this time he won't
be able to use mine for spares. If I weren't already crying that thought
would bring tears to my eyes. I bet I could still scrounge up enough scrap
to fix it.
But why? The pilot is dead. There was nothing left out here - nothing.
Nothing but a bunch of twisted junk, looking like so many ugly scars on the
Earth's face. God... god... He can't be dead.
Maybe he isn't dead. Yeah, he can't be dead! He's the fucking perfect
soldier! He jumped out of a fifty-story building and survived, dammit! He's
got to be alive! I look around, and I can't see any signs of his Gundam.
Well, that means either he's left without me, which I wouldn't past him if
he was still in that berserk state, or he's been totally vaporised. I
prefer the first option, because that means he might come looking for me
when he's come to his senses. Probably not, though. He just considers me
another part of his mission tool kit. If I'm broken, he'll get a new one.
He's the first person I've loved who hasn't loved me back. And he's the
first real romantic interest I've ever had, too. Yeah, I've got girls and
guys both swarming all around me when I'm in civvies, and I've been on my
share of dates and stuff like that. But you know what? I never even kissed
a single one of them. They never meant more to me in any way other than an
evening's distraction.
It's kind of funny, really. All this time, people looking to me as the
master of trists, of getting away from it all, when in reality I can't get
away from anything! My past still haunts me. Solo, man, Solo... he was a
great kid. I wonder if he can see me now? I know he'd approve. Particularly
when I snuck aboard that ship that was carrying that Gundam. That was some
sticky stuff. I had to use every last one of my tricks. But I got on, and
somehow I just know that Solo was there, helping me. They asked me if I
was Maxwell's demon. I told them I wasn't a demon.
I am Shinagami.
So instead of throwing me in the kind of prison with stone floors and bars
on the windows, they threw me in the prison of missions. I had to protect
people. Me, who had lost everything important already. Looking back, I
guess that's the real reason why they picked me. They knew we'd have to
die in these missions, die by our own hands. They wanted to make sure that
we didn't have any ties that would hold us back. Oh, but they made a big
mistake. I had one very big tie to keep me fighting. It wasn't some run-
down colony, or even the memory of the church that kept me safe until it
was destroyed. It was him. Love for him, and the constant struggle to see
if he felt anything for me. It was a battle I never expected to be easy, so
I always had something to do, something to try for.
I gave him so many hints, subtle to obvious. I told him how much he meant
to me, but all he'd ever say back to me was "Hn" or "Aa," and if I was
lucky I got "Shut up, Maxwell." Ah, those three words. Funny how I longed
to hear them, because it meant he heard me. It sounds pathetic, really, that
I would humiliate myself and expose myself over and over, just to hear him
brush me off like some insect. I guess I figured that maybe someday he'd
get so frustrated with ignoring me he'd either follow up on that death
threat of his or buckle under and fall right back in love. I always thought
the first was infinitely more likely.
But now he's either dead or abandoned me. I guess I lost, huh? Well, I
guess it's about time I had a little reunion with Solo. We've got a lot to
catch up on. I smile, thinking of all the people I miss that I'll get to
see again.
I start looking for something sharp. I want to see my perfect solider
again.
Sayonara, higashi no sora e tabidatsu tori yo
Sekai wa itsumo omae no subete o tsutsumu
[Farewell, you birds who set off into the eastern sky.
The world will always embrace all of you.]
As I wander, I see a flock of crows fly by me towards the rising sun.
Strange, I didn't think anything alive would be out here. Fitting, though,
that it's these ugly birds that accompany me on my little wandering. Then
out of nowhere, a thought materialises in my head. Crows are supposed to
carry the souls of the dead into the next world. I wonder if my beloved is
among them? They certainly must have had a busy night.
For some reason, I can't find any sharp pieces of metal, or rather, anything
sharp enough to cut deep. I suppose I could snap my own neck. I ponder the
mechanics of that for awhile, and decide I'd be better off impaling myself
on one of those damned support beam poles that are lying around everywhere.
But those are both a little hard to accomplish... I resume my task-at-hand.
Ever focused on the mission.
There's so much I wanted to tell him, but I just couldn't bring myself to
say any of it. I wanted to tell him I listen intently to every last word
he ever spoke to me, even when I look like I'm concentrating on something
else. I wanted to tell him that I enjoyed it when he interrupted my work -
he was so much more pleasant than The Mission. My day just wasn't complete
without his inane chatter, and even though I pretended not to care if he
was there or not, the truth is I couldn't live without him. And here is
my opportunity to follow up on that... One of the birds has alighted on a
piece of wreckage near me, and it seems to be watching me. I could swear
it's been following me since I decided to kill myself. Maybe it's the one
who is supposed to bring me over.
I envy those birds. What a beautiful mission that must be, to carry souls
to Heaven or wherever it is they go. Flying free on the wind... I realise
that I've never flown in Wing just to fly. It's always been with a purpose.
Everything in my life had some greater purpose. I never enjoyed anything
simply for the sake of enjoying it. I wish he were still alive. He made me
want to really live! After the war was over, I always told myself, there
would be time to explore all of that. But it's too late now. The war may
end soon, but my time is up. There were so many things I wanted to do with
him, if he would have me. I even had a little platinum band set with a
diamond, flanked by two little black opals that looked like bat's wings
made for him. It wasn't an engagement ring, no, I'm not sure we could ever
be married, but I was going to give it to him when I told him I would love
him forever. Hell, maybe it *was* an engagement ring. Well, it's not really
important now. He's dead, and soon I will be, too. I finally see something
large and sharp sticking out of the ground in the distance.
Soon, I will be free.
Namida sae nakushita asa ni
Mou ichido nanika ga hajimaru
[On the morning when you have lost even your tears,
Once again, something new will begin.]
Sometimes I wonder if maybe he did love me. Once in a while, I would catch
him looking at me. But maybe he was just staring with disdain at my hair.
Sometimes, he'd brush the back of my neck passing me by. Or at least I
thought he did. He could have been absorbed in his thoughts, and not really
known where his hand was. Sometimes, his hand would rest on top of mine
for a little. But maybe that was just his way of saying "Move your hand."
I guess I'll never know. But what I would give everything to taste those lips
just once.
It hits me like a brick wall. I *am* giving everything to taste those lips.
We're both going right to hell, I know, but maybe I can make a little deal
and kiss him before we're sent to our eternal torments. I'm Shinagami, after
all. But what if he doesn't go to Hell? He's an angel, in his own way. It's
not his fault he's the way he is. And he's doing all of this for a noble
purpose. I know that somewhere, beneath that cold exterior, he has emotions,
and one of them has to be guilt. So long as he feels even the least bit
sorry, he gets to go to Heaven. At least that's what Sister Helen used to
tell me when I was really upset over some way I'd managed to hurt her or
Father. It never lessened the extra chores I had to do or anything, but it
was fair punishment, and I didn't have to deal with the guilt. I shudder
at the thought of what my own personal hell would be - feeling those lips
close to mine, hearing that angelic voice whispering in my ear, and never
getting to kiss him or to know if he was saying love or hate. Hell is not
knowing how the object of your complete, eternal love feels about you, and
they won't tell you or give you any hints.
I know when I fell in love with him. I could tell you the exact moment,
right down to the last detail. It was December 17, AC 195. It was a Friday.
Friday afternoon. I'd somehow managed to comvince him to go to a movie
with me. I had to keep pestering him, but I guess he finally realised it
would be easier just to see the damn movie than listen to me whine for the
next few weeks. But the movie we were going to see had been taken out of
the theatre the day before, and nothing else was playing at that time that
looked remotely decent. So we decided to wander around a local mall for
a little while. Odd, isn't it, how all this technological advancement has
only meant better ventilation in those mini hell-holes left over from
hundreds of years ago. We got bored quick, and went back to our current
house. We were just chilling in our room, and I had put on some random CD.
We were just sitting there... and then this song came on, and I started
listening to the lyrics for the first time. "Remember these days." I started
to commit the whole day to memory, knowing it would be important. Then,
"I love you, love you." I was staring at him when I heard those words, and
I knew that was how I felt. I've been his ever since, whether he knows it
or not. So I'm going to go to him now.
Oh, yeah. Suicide is the one sin you can't be forgiven for. So I am going
to Hell, and that's that. But I can't live without my love. I'm sure this
caring and forgiving God that Father always talked about will understand,
and let me get a nice glimpse of him before he's taken away from me
forever. I stop the tears that have been falling down my face all this time,
and prepare to meet eternity. I finally see something large and sharp
sticking out of the ground in the distance.
Soon, I will be free.
Oikaketemo todokanai mono nara
Inochi kakete kono te ni tsukamou
[If it is something you can't reach no matter how you pursue it,
Catch onto this hand even at the risk of your life.]
It's the tip of the wing of my Gundam. I can't believe it. That thing is
finally going to be the death of me. That's the sharp object I saw.
~
It's the tip of the wing of his Gundam. I can't believe it. That thing is
finally going to be the death of me. That's the sharp object I saw.
~
I walk closer, all the guilt of the years and missions sliding off my
shoulders like so much dead skin. I can never see him again here, so this
is my way out. My way to see him again.
~
I breathe a sigh of relief. My journey is almost over. I'm done chasing
after him now, this is the last step. I stumble towards the piece of Wing,
my body aching.
~
I stand next to the piece of metal, and put a hand on it to steady myself.
It's real, all right. I grasp the skinnier portion of it to snap it off.
But instead of cold metal, my fingers meet with soft flesh. I peer around
the wing, ready to strike at whatever enemy survived this suicide mission.
~
I nearly collapse on the hunk of junk, and lean against it to catch my
breath. Woo, what a walk. Now if I can just snap off a piece of the tip.
Snap off a piece of gundanium, sure. But there's bound to be some kind of
structure around it that isn't made of the cursed metal. I put my hand on
the tip, and instead of cold, I feel warm... someone's hand is over top of
mine.
~
I almost faint when I see who's on the other side of the wingtip.
"Duo?" I whisper softly.
~
A face peers round the wingtip. I take a step back, shocked. It whispers
my name, and I whisper back.
"Heero?"
~
Perfect solider be damned. I throw myself onto him, sending us both to
the ground, my arms tight around him. He's alive! He's alive! I've never
felt happier in my whole life! Hell, I've never even felt happy except
when I'm around him!
~
I am tackled to the ground by a vision of green cotton and black spandex.
He's alive! I knew it! I knew something as pitiful as a baseful of Leos
couldn't take him down. But what is he doing here? Well, it is his Gundam.
My thought slow to a stop as I realise we're still on the ground, and his
arms are around me.
~
Before I know what I'm doing, I'm nuzzling his neck and crying his name
in between sobs I didn't know I had left in me. But these aren't tears of
sadness, they're tears of joy.
~
I hear him say my name softly, choking on his sobs. I run my fingers
through his hair, pulling him closer to me. I rock back and forth with him,
calming us both down.
We're alive. We're alive! And we're together!
Flying away, kokoro no mama ni tondeyukitai
Flying away, kimi no tame nara sora o kakeyou, flying...
[Flying away, I want to fly away just as my heart leads.
Flying away, for you I would race across the sky, flying...]
I pick up Duo in my arms and twirl him around in the air. He's impossibly
light for me. I can bend steel bars, after all. I'm grinning like a maniac,
I know. I just want to toss him up in the air and follow him in a never-
ending flight. But first...
"I'm sorry," I choke out. "I'm sorry I messed things up. I thought... I
thought... I thought I'd killed you."
"Killed me? Nah! You can't kill me! I'm Shinagami, remember? If anything,
I thought *you* were dead!" Duo grinned lopsidedly at me, bringing a
genuine smile to my face as well.
I set him down on his feet again, my arms still around his waist. He
reaches up to me, and puts his own arms around my neck. I pull him in
close, and we stay like that for minutes, hours. Neither of us really
knows. Only when we break apart, the sun is almost risen. Looking into
his violet eyes, I lose track of why I'm here, of war and rage and missions,
and all of my being is about *him*. Nothing matters but Duo. I would do
anything for him. I tell him so.
He looks at me, surprised, as if after all of this he's still shocked to
hear words of endearment come from my mouth. "Duo," I begin gently, "I
know I haven't been very... affectionate... in the past, but I have... I
have..." I stumble over the words, unable to get them out of my mouth. My
brain is telling me this is counterproductive, but my heart is ready to
burst.
He reaches up and strokes the side of my face gently. He smiles at me,
sweetly, and puts a finger to his lips. "You don't have to say anything,
Heero. I know how you feel." Funny, how he seems to know that. I wouldn't
think he *could* know that, unless... unless... unless he felt that way too?
Finally, the last barrier is down. Finally, all those years of pushing
away my emotions lose their effect. My brain stops fighting my heart, and
they both come to an agreement: I should tell him how I feel.
"Duo, I know I've been cold to you, but I didn't want to get close. I didn't
want to hurt you, because I didn't think I'd survive for very long. I was
going to tell you after the war was over." I fumble around, and somehow
manage to find that ring. I slip it on his finger, and he looks down at it,
then up at me, shock widening his eyes. "I've always loved you, and always
will. You set me free, Duo Maxwell, and I would do anything for you, because
you are the only one who has ever made me happy. Please, stay with me,
wherever under the endless sky this war and our lives may take us."
Sayonara, higashi no sora e tabidatsu tori yo
Sekai wa itsumo omae o matte ita hazu
[Farewell, you birds who set off into the eastern sky.
The world is always waiting for you.]
As he speaks those words to me, more than he's ever said at once to me that
wasn't a mission briefing, I feel my heart stop and my breath catch. Then
that ring, on my finger... It looks like a bat. Like a little white bat with
black wings. I giggle a little, then look back up at him, incredulous. Does
he mean all of this? I guess he does.
"Heero, I will stay with you. I love you." The words are out of my mouth
before I even think to say them. I turn my head up a little to gaze at him,
and his eyes are blue wells of love and compassion. Not even a hint of the
old coldness and ice lies in them. He moves closer to me, and before I know
it his lips brush mine. But he's unsure. He's never kissed anyone before,
either, I know. He tries again, but he doesn't seem to really know *how*
to kiss. I've watched enough movies, so I give it a try... part my lips a
little, and take his in mine... And we are kissing. Heero is my first kiss.
Wow.
He takes a step back, and takes my face in his hands. The crows fly overhead,
resuming their journey. But there are two less souls for them to take now.
I watch as they disappear into the sunset. Heero is watching them, too, and
I know he had that same thought I did about the crows when they first
appeared over our heads. I thought they might be carrying his soul... and
I can see the relief finally flood his being as he realises once and for
all that this isn't a dream.
Flying away, kaze ni nakarete tondeyukitai
Flying away, kimi no tame nara jiyuu ni nareru, flying...
[Flying away, I want to fly away, drifting on the wind.
Flying away, because of you I could become free, flying...]
It's not a dream. It's not a dream. It's real. Duo's here, and he's mine.
But, something doesn't sound right about that. I'm here, and I'm his. There,
that's better. Did he know he owned my heart all this time? He's the only
one who ever will.
So now what? As much as I'd like to, we can't lie here forever. This is the
middle of a war. I prop myself up on my elbows, looking down at that little
impish face with its perpetual grin. "We have to go, koi. We can't stay
here."
"But how can we leave? Your gundam doesn't look like it's in any shape to
go anywhere. At least we won't have to worry about the enemy finding them!
You don't have to self-destruct this time around! Trowa told me once that
you said it hurts like hell. I hoped it wouldn't." Duo suddenly clamped his
mouth shut as those words left his mouth. He turned his head away, as if
hiding something. But I saw the look in those eyes. In a moment I understand.
He was headed for this little piece of metal for the same reason I was. I
turn his face back to me, and look him in the eye, frowning.
"Don't ever think about doing that again, koi. The world needs you alive
more than dead. Even..." I fight to spit out the words. "Even if I'm not
in it. I'm nothing compared to the millions who still need your help." I
know I'm crying again, this time a mixture of sadness and happiness. Sad
because the thought of him taking his own life breaks me in two, but I'm
happy because he's still alive.
"And you, Heero? The world needs you, too. *I* need you. You're all that
matters to me. So don't you try to self-destruct again, you hear? I just
won't allow it." He grins at me, and I know he knows why I'm here, too.
I stand up, and offer a hand to pull him up. On my feet, I remember just
how much we were injured. He starts to stumble, and I help steady him. I
think this is how I always wanted it to be - me, a support for him, so
that while I may fall he would never get the smallest grain of dirt or
blood on that pure soul of his. I look around for some means of escape.
Hmm... there's the head of Wing. It's still intact. And it's the right
distance from this tip, too. I wonder if...? I walk over to the head,
still carrying Duo with me, and press a button on the outside panel. There
it is, the little escape hatch down to the cockpit. I insist that he go
down first, so he does, too tired to argue. I close the hatch behind me
and settle into the familiar pilot's chair. It's not that badly damaged -
at the very least it will take us to the nearest sign of civilisation.
I start up the machine, hearing all the familiar whirrs and clicks. Duo
is sitting on the floor next to me, smiling contetedly, eyes closed. Soon,
I command the gundam to stand, and all the scorched ground falls off of
it and we are free of the clutches of the earth. It's gleaming in the
sunlight, I know, but I could care less. The warmth from his smile is all
I'll ever need again. I pull a few levers, and Wing transforms into bird
mode. If he hadn't been here... I wouldn't be here, either. I'd be a mess
of blood and flesh on the ground. Instead of being bound to the earth, I'm
in the air, flying away with him by my side. He has finally set me truly
free, and I fly us off the way those birds had gone, not caring anymore if
we do reach other civilisation, off into the rising sun.
