Smoke Crack
Title: Smoke Crack

A Parody on "Wear Sunscreen"

Author: Alexa Thain

Disclaimer: this is completely non-serious.  I do not abuse drugs, this is pure humor.  My apologies to the respectful owners of everything mentioned.  Baz Luhrman owns the original song and the guy who wrote his original text (that he apparently stole) owns the original content and concept.

Author's Note: Don't forget: IT'S NOT SERIOUS!  Thank you.

Attention Graduating class of 2001.  Smoke Crack.  If I could offer you only one tip for the future, crack would be it. The long term benefits of crack has been scientifically proven; the rest can only be told from my own meandering experience.  I will dispense this advice... now.

If you order chicken at a Chinese restaurant and it doesn't taste like chicken; it probably isn't chicken.  Oh, it may LOOK like chicken, but so does a wide variety of "exotic" animals.

Attention white people:  do not get dreadlocks.  It isn't meant to be.  Only the most adeptly fashionably equipped can pull it off; everyone else looks stupid… yes, I mean you!

There is no such thing as a size 0.  It is all a ploy of the fashion industry to make size 2's feel even skinnier; hence inspiring them to STOP STARVING THEMSELVES.  Thank you to the waifs for making all of us 12's who are now "10's" feel better, though.

Wonderbra: ain't nothin' wrong with that!

If you're an American, and you go to a foreign country; do not stand around in random places talking at the top of your lungs in whatever strong American accent you may have.  Yes, you do sound ignorant.  Do you hear people from other countries (excluding Japanese tourists and Mexicans) speaking in *their* mother tounge at the top of their lungs?  No.  Foreigners don't swim in your toilet, don't pee in their pool.

Ladies: 99.9% of the clothing you wear will prompt men to sexually objectify you.  Pick and chose the men around whom you promenade.

Drivers: Turn off your brights.  We are being blinded by your stupidy. 

That tan you love so much IS going to give you wrinkles.  You WILL look 60 when you're thirty.  And you laugh at the pale people…

If you can't sing, can't especially dance, enjoy excessive plastic surgery, but are a size 0 (cough), are blond, and sufficient cute and cheap; you could be a popstar!  Just look at Britney Spears.

Make fun of President Bush... it's FUN!

Maybe you'll be lonely, maybe you won't; maybe you'll get laid, maybe you won't. 

Some of these things may not apply to you.  Some of these things you may be to stupid to comprehend.  But whatever you do, trust me on the crack.