Small songfic. I remembered that song this morning whilst sorting out another songfic and thought that this one needed its own story. Hope you like it. Btw, I strongly recommend you listen to the song whilst reading this.
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Gibbs hadn't turned up this morning. His phone was turned off. Never off sick, he had never defected, never let his team down. Concerned, Tony had driven all the way to his house. Today wasn't any day. It was sunny and cold, but for Gibbs, it was the darkest day of the year.
"Boss", Tony called, running towards the basement. The radio was on.
I hurt myself
today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only
thing that's real
There he was, sat
next to his workbench. His eyes were hazy, his alcohol-induced stare
focused on a picture on the table.
The needle tears a
hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I
remember everything
An empty bottle of bourbon stood next to him, another one well under half-empty. "It's one of those days", thought Di Nozzo. Distant images from his childhood, buried behind years of repression, resurfaced. The bottles, the blows, the sleepless nights...
"Whatya doin' here Di Nozzo."
The agent walked towards one of the shelves, grabbed a mug, sat down next to Gibbs and helped himself to some bourbon.
"I remembered,
boss." Gibbs lifted his eyes up and caught his agent's. The pain
he read in them was unfathomable. "Kelly and Shannon's
anniversary" he confirmed grimly.
What have I become
My
sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
"I thought it'd get better, Tony, with time, year after year. But it doesn't."
Di Nozzo was touched Gibbs was happy to confide in him. He remained silent.
"Every day we put our lives on the line. What for? What's in it for us, Di Nozzo?"
And you could
have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will
make you hurt
"Every time one
of us is down, I die a bit inside." He touched his chest with his
closed fist. "I'm fed up with incessant trips to the hospital. Or
the morgue. The plague, Kate's death, gun shot wounds, broken
bones, explosions... I've had more than my fair share, Tony." I
wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken
thoughts
I cannot repair
After a minute's silence, he continued. "I know I'm not a great boss, Tony."
Tony interjected. "Boss, I don't think that's tr...". A great leader of men, caring and obstinate, discreet and understanding, that's how he saw Gibbs. The paternal figure that he needed, that they all needed.
Gibbs' answer came sharp as a knife. "Shut up, Di Nozzo." In his despair there was no space for a head slap, and Tony couldn't but notice its absence.
He pursued: "One day you'll take over Di Nozzo. You'll be a good boss, I know you will, I've taught you well." He took another long sip and poured some more bourbon in his glass. "Don't make the same mistakes I've made, Tony... I know you and I are both alone in this world... Just make sure you've got something, or someone worth going back to at the end of the day... Even if it means breaking the rules."
The senior agent smiled sadly. Gibbs could see through his team with disconcerting clarity. Tony felt guilty. In all those years he had supported and saved them, when had they last given him a helping hand or an attentive ear? He was the boss, and the boss never needed anything. Or so they thought, too absorbed that they were with their own problems and relationships. None of them had had any time for Gibbs. And yet he was always here for them. Selfless. Sacrificing what was left of him. Devoting his life to his team... "because he has nothing else.", Di Nozzo thought.
Beneath the
stains of time "
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I
am still right here
Tony begged to
disagree, but kept his comments for himself. Now wasn't the time to
voice them.
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
"I'm scared, Di Nozzo. Everyday I'm scare that I'm going to lose someone else, one of you." He sighed. "You're the best family I could have asked for."
"Thanks, boss." Di Nozzo responded, unable to find words to return the compliment.
"But honestly, Tony, on days like these, it's just not enough. It doesn't balance out with the void left by all these lives. The more I keep on and the more I lose. There's no end to it. And I end up in my basement, drinking my sorrows away, alone."
"Not quite alone, today, boss." Tony thought.
And you could
have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will
make you hurt
"I've let you all down too many times, trying to do the right thing. I've failed you all. I've let my team be broken down and sent away. I fail you all, every day."
He sighed again. He couldn't say anymore.
"No would you please leave me alone Di Nozzo, I've got more drinking to do. Alone."
Tony stood up and briefly put his hand on Gibbs's shoulder. The older man didn't move at the touch.
He walked all the way to the bottom of the stairs, turning his head to look back at his boss. Sitting alone. Head bent over the bench. Pouring himself another glass of bourbon.
If I could
start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I
would find a way
Tony grabbed another bottle on the shelf and walked back to the table, pouring himself another glass. He gazed intently in Gibbs's direction. His hand made its way back to his shoulder before picking up his glass. Both men were sat side by side in silence.
Today was the day Tony would show Gibbs that they care, that he wouldn't let him down, that he would always look up to him. That he would always be part of his family.
Gibbs would be annoyed that he had stayed, wishing to be left alone. He would drink himself to oblivion and forget when his agent left. He would try to overcome shame and guilt and go back to work, hoping that nothing was said. He would keep on, silent and lonely.
"Thanks, Tony." His heart warmed a little.
"Any time, boss."
