Author's Note: Thank you for clicking on this link, whatever your reasons may be. So "real books" written by "real authors" have author's notes too, but they're called "introductions" or "prefaces". Screw that. This was a story written in 45 minutes posted on the request of my brother. Okay? So, don't forget to flame- I mean review and stuff or something like that. Actually, you know what, don't bother. You probably have better things to do.
OhrightandIownnothingdon'tsueme
Pyro's Pyrovision
The entire RED team was bruised, battered, and very satisfied. The BLUs weren't any more incompetent than usual, but due to the BLU Soldier's temporary bout of insanity, they were (and by that, they meant Spy was) able to convince him that he was, in fact, a unicorn from Sugarlandia, and he was terribly, terribly lost. The hapless Soldier promptly rocket jumped away, shouting something about being the protecting the other unicorns from communist pegasi, blowing apart three of his teammates and leaving the rest in his (proverbial and literal) dust. Having lost one of their main sources of brutal, mindless firepower, they were easy pickings. Even more than usual.
Surveying the carnage with some pride, the team began sifting through the debris, salvaging all the spare ammunition and weapon materials they could. The Pyro sat down, cross-legged, in front of a pile of smouldering ash. A few stray embers, still glowing faintly, were scattered around the gray mound. They tilted their head curiously. "Mmph mrph!" they exclaimed happily. They picked up a nearby stick and began to stoke the yet-nonexistent flames, humming merrily.
The Engineer knelt forty yards away, packing away the rest of his equipment. He looked at the Pyro, who was...playing with a charred femur? Pyro had roasted the enemy Sniper to oblivion earlier, and had just now picked out several bones from the blackened skeleton. They appeared to be stoking a fire with the fibula whilst acting out a pantomime in which the femur was a horse and the mandible was its rider. He wondered what the...fire...enthusiast could possibly be thinking, as a drunk and slurring Demoman wandered too close to the newly roaring blaze and set his own trousers on fire. Demo yelped, hopping from foot to foot, finally losing what little balance he had and falling face first into the flames. Pyro squealed in glee, their expression obscured by their mask, clapping enthusiastically.
Engineer winced in sympathy. Medic would fix the burns, sure, but the Pyro's mind was another thing entirely.
An idea struck him, and he grinned.
Later on, back at base, they were gathered in the mess hall. Pyro had, as per custom, coaxed another chair into flames, bathing the entire room in firelight.
"Did you guys see that? Those BLU scumbags didn't know what..." the Scout babbled on. "You guys are lucky I was there to save all your -"
"Shut mouth, baby man." Scout opened his mouth to protest, but the Heavy somehow looked much more intimidating than usual. Maybe it was the gruffness of his response. Maybe it was his air of stoic solemnity. Maybe it was the legless, armless BLU Scout with gaping, fist-sized holes on his bleeding torso that Heavy was holding by the head. (It was probably the solemnity thing.)
"Vat do you think that Engineer called all of us here for?" asked Medic, holding the head of a BLU Spy. "I hope he know he's interrupting precious vivi- ahem, dissection time. I specifically state zat I had ordered a new set of baboon organs and they are all going to spoil!"
"Is okay, Doktor. Leetle Engie man not stupid time-waster like Scoot. Probably something important."
"Why would you even bring that in here?" mumbled the Scout, still staring at his dismembered counterpart. He was summarily ignored.
"You better be right, Heavy. Archimedes is goingk to go crazy vit boredom. How is he supposed to enjoy himself vithout there being a nice, open chest cavity for me to shoo him away from?"
"I AM YELLING FOR NO DISCERNIBLE REASON WHATSOEVER!" shrieked the Soldier, for no discernible reason whatsoever.
"Sorry to keep y'all waitin'," puffed Engie. He was lugging a large sack behind him. "I jus' wanted ta show y'all a little somethin' I cooked up in the ol' lab."
Medic reached into the sack. "Goggles?" asked the Medic, his distaste evident. "Vat -"
"Now, let me explain. Y'all know that Pyro -" Pyro looked up at this, giving a cheery wave. Engineer lowered his voice. "Y'all know that Pyro there is a bit of a - a -" Engineer paused, trying to think of a polite way to phrase the statement. "An eccentric one."
"Oh, stuff it, hardhat. He's flipping crazy. Almost as crazy as Sol -"
"WHAT DID YOU SAY, MAGGOT? I WILL TELL YOU THAT NOBODY IS ANYWHERE NEAR AS CRAZY AS I AM!" In an instant, Soldier's hands were around Scout's neck.
"Alright, alright!" Scout choked. "Alright! Let - go - kghh-"
"SAY IT! SAY I'M THE MOST INSANE! THEN DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY!"
"Now, cut that out, you two!" scolded the Engineer. "As I was sayin', the Pyro's a - a perfectly unique individual! So I made these virtual sensory modifiers to visually reconfigure the world in the same way that Pyro, who is full of quirky idiosyncrasies, does!" He beamed excitedly. "Now we'll finally know what's going through that head of his! Or possibly hers!"
"Vat? That's imp- ohhhhhhhhhh," breathed Medic, wonderstruck. He had put on a pair of goggles. "Kittens...puppies...candybutterflysparkles!" He reached out to touch something only he could see. The Spy head was dropped unceremoniously on the ground.
"Wha- Medic, are you all right?" asked Engineer.
"Rainbows?" asked Scout, somewhat nervously. It was a common rumor that rainbows made him weep like children at the end of Toy Story 3. It was all nonsense, of course. only doubleonly double rainbows made him cry.
"Maybe I should have tested it first-"
"SISSIES! I WILL PROVE ALL OF YOU SORRY EXCUSES FOR SOLDIERS WHAT REAL MEN-" Soldier broke off, staring into the distance. The goggles bulged comically on his face.
"Soldier?" Engineer asked warily. It was never a good sign when Soldier went quiet.
"Men, here are the facts as I know it. One: I am the prettiest, most magnificent unicorn in the history of pretty unicorns! Two: my mane is fragrant and luscious and catches the wind perfectly! I GOING INTO THE WOODS TO PICK EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU A BOUQUET OF FLOWERS! DISMISSED!" Soldier marched purposefully out the door, swinging his arms rhythmically.
Engineer looked at the wall that Soldier was staring at. There was a mirror on it.
"All right. None of you touch those goggles-"
Demo, Heavy, Scout and Sniper had already put the goggles on. Spy looked on, bored.
"Wheee!" giggled Demoman. "It's like being tickled by angels!"
"How could zis happen?"
"Oi've nevah seen anything mo' beautiful in ma loife..." said the Sniper, his accent warping itself into a caricature of itself (that, frankly, was borderline cultural insensitivity).
Scout simply whimpered quietly.
Engineer's curiosity finally got the best of him. He pulled another pair of goggles out of the bag, fitting it around his face. "What in tarnation...?"
He was plunged into the relentless, garishly coloured world of Pyro's imagination. Music played loudly - a single soundtrack, on loop - Do You Believe in Magic, by The Lovin' Spoonful. Clusters of lollipops grew out of a lawn covered with tufts of lush grass. Even though they were inside a building. The sky was blindingly bright, a soft, pastel blue, and the sun was perpetually shining. Even though they had a roof. And it was nighttime. Plump balloon-shaped animals floated by - kittens, puppies, balloonicorns - all grinning widely. To his utter surprise, the previously dead BLU Scout was alive and well - but was now less than two feet in height, chubby, and sported a diaper and two small, feathered wings. He tried to rub his eyes, but the goggles were in the way. He looked right, where he knew Heavy was - who was... a large, laughing teddy bear holding a minigun? He looked to the left. Demo-pegasus skipped - or rather, cantered, eye-patch and all, through the grassy field. A cuddly-looking koala wearing a slouch hat and aviator glasses rode on his winged back. In the distance, a bunny - no, cow - stood trembling near the base of a rainbow. At first, Engineer wasn't sure who he was looking at. He stepped closer. It was your run-of-the-mill dairy cow with brown and black spots on a white body. Perfectly normal. It was also wearing a baseball cap and a headset. Absolutely workaday. A duffel bag was strapped to its side. "Scout?"
The cow gave a start, glancing over at Engineer. "Engie? AhahahHAHAHAHA! You- you're a-" It pitched over sideways, laughing. "You're a POTBELLIED PIG! WITH A HARD HAT!"
Engineer stared in shock. The cow had udders. Udders. It, uh, she, continued to guffaw, its - her - stubby, cloven legs kicking in the air.
"Odd...I always imagined you as more of a bunny-type creature..."
The cow stopped laughing for a moment. "What the hell are you-" the cow looked down on itself. "HOLY - ME! WHAT THE F-"
"Language, son."
"-RIED BUCKETS OF CHICKEN!" howled the self-conscious - and very female - cow, visibly upset. "Wha- wha- I'M A DUDE!"
"Of course, of course," Engineer said soothingly.
"Why am I a COW?"
"Well...that's how Pyro sees you."
"Yeah, but why am I a FEMALE cow?!"
"Hmm. Maybe that's how he - she - they - it - ah, forget it - explains your Mad Milk."
"Don't sugarcoat it," drawled a disembodied voice. "Scout, you possess stereotypically feminine characteristics. Your exaggerated indignation is your pathetic attempt recovering some of your self-perceived dignity. You are neither secure nor intelligent enough to realize the extent of your overcompensation."
A small crab materialized, accompanied by a musical flourish. It was red, mottled, with a flesh-coloured ring around its beady eyes that looked suspiciously like a mask.
"Well?" the crab practically boomed. Its voice, far too loud for its small size, was accented. French. "What are you staring at me for?" The crab pulled out a Pixie Stick with a claw, gnawing on it ravenously. Rainbows poured off the end.
The cow and the pig looked at each other. They burst out laughing.
"Ah. I see. You've gone the way of the Soldier."
"No- (said Cow-Scout, giggling uncontrollably) p-put on some goggles-"
"You should see the look on your face -"
"Join us!" screeched the Sniper and Demo-sus in unison, careening dangerously through the cotton-like clouds.
The crab rolled its eyes. "Fine. Just to see what you morons are losing your minds over."
It disappeared. When it came back, its tiny black eyes were widened in shock.
"Mon dieu - c'est magnifique...!" the crab mumbled. "Ces couleurs- !"
"What? We can't hear you! Demo-sus is so fuuuuuuun!" yelled Engineer and Scout, flying by on a joyful and astonishingly sprightly Demo. Scuttling towards the edge of a majestic cliff, Spycrab couldn't help but marvel at the -
Suddenly, the record scratched. If there was a record, that is. The music slowed and warped like water going down a drain, then cut out entirely with a gut-wrenching gurgle. Demo-sus lost his wings and fell from the sky, as Sniper, Engineer and Scout dropped on top of him. Spy blinked rapidly, quickly regaining his senses, having been under the intoxicating influence of Pyrovision for the shortest amount of time. Medic came stumbling back, confused and goggle-less. Soldier dropped the bouquet of cacti he had torn unceremoniously from the ground outside. The bloodied hunk of flesh that was the BLU Scout became just that, bleeding quietly onto the floor. They all stared at each other, dazed and paralyzed with the sort of all-consuming horror that results from bad acid trips and particularly traumatic nightmares.
An anxious Pyro tapped Heavy's head, peering into his glazed eyes. They had been happily playing with their fire when their teammates all started acting oddly. They noticed strange items attached to their cute, chubby faces and pulled them off. Now they were all frozen in place and uttering strange, disconcerting noises. They poked Pigineer.
The Engineer got up slowly, rubbing his elbow. He looked around, looking relieved. He chuckled nervously.
"Heh - well, at least now we know Pyro's thinking..."
