And now for a little mental break (though this may result in brain-breakage) from the seriousness of the manga, if you will?

Written as a birthday gift!fic for my beloved sha La La. oh my-my. A CRACKTASTIC take on how Naruto would help Sasuke cope with life after all the drama, battles, and angsting is over.

Warnings: CRACK. Swearing, copious amounts of sexual innuendo, and general naughtiness. Also, spoilers for up to around chapter 403.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. I just enjoy the subtext.

Enjoy!


Epilogue, or How Things Should Really... Go Down


"Are you depressed, Sasuke?"

"Hn."

"I mean, I know you suffer from a particularly persistent bout of Emo due to years of shutting people out in order to brood over your psychological torment and vapid daily existence…"

"Hn."

"And yeah, I know that since you finally killed the brother you'd spent nearly a decade striving to exact revenge upon only to find out that he in actuality cared about you so much that he went against his orders and spared you from being slaughtered along with the rest of your family, effectively making your life's purpose entirely meaningless and causing you to look like a huge douchebag all in one fell swoop…"

"HN."

"…but that's no reason to feel like there's nothing left to live for! You can beat depression before it beats you!"

"Goddamnit you idiot, I'm not depress—"

"It's okay, Sasuke, really! No one's judging you! And after painstaking research (or, er, swiping one of the monthly medical journals in Sakura-chan's mailbox), I've found a treatment to save you from this crippling depression…"

"So help me, Naruto, if you don't shut the fuck—"

"You need to blow me."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Yes, keep your mouth open just like tha—"

"WHAT. THE. FUCK. NARUTO."

"Well, according to Sakura-chan's unexpectedly perverted medical journal, research has been conducted to suggest that semen has anti-depressant properties. Apparently chicks who do it without condoms are less likely to be depressed—go figure, right? It has to do with all the hormone-thingies in the guys' jizz or somethin'. Heh, well, the stuff does come from a very happy place…"

"…Die in a fire. And take your crazy fake medical theories with you."

"Psh, this is so legit—I even found info about this on Wikipedia, so HAH. It's science, Sasuke, science."

"I'll show you what you can do with science—"

"Later, we don't have time for that now. Come on, Sasuke."

"…Interesting choice of words."

"…"

"…"

"See! You do want help! Acknowledging it is the first step toward recovery!"

"I am going to maim—"

"Yeah, yeah. Now shut up and take your medicine."

The (Happy) End(ing).


Omake: Sakura and Sasuke

"…and so I had to report to the post office that someone's been stealing my mail!"

"Hn."

"Well, my shift at the hospital starts soon, so I suppose I should be going. I'm glad I ran into you, Sasuke. I've been worried about you."

"Worried? ...I mean, Hn?"

"Yes, after everything that's happened, you appeared to be really… depressed, to be quite honest. But I can tell just by looking at you that you're in highter spirits these days! Have you been going to a professional for treatment? It can really work wonders."



"...Hn."


A/N: The research and theory provided in this actually exist; a friend told me about it. Of course, I had to look it up on the internet! There have been some articles published online, and it really is on Wikipedia... I immediately thought, "I have to write a crack-fic about this!"... and lo and behold, this steaming pile of idiocy was born. XD

If this made you laugh or at least smile, I've done my job! :)