Please tell me if you want me to continue this story. It's my first BTVS fanfic so please be nice and please review!
Buffy stared at the wall unseeingly. It had been half a year since Spike had died to save the world. He had died a hero, but Buffy still couldn't get over him. Memories haunted her. Memories of her constantly pushing him away, constantly hurting him. She wanted to take it all back now, to just hold him in her arms and kiss him, telling him, assuring him that she loved him. But it was too late now. She had lost her chance. She didn't realize how much he had meant to her, how much she loved him until it was too late. He had heard her so many times saying that there was nothing between them that he had believed it. Angel knocked gently at the door, but Buffy didn't even blink. At one time Angel had been everything to her, but after Spike's death, Angel's presence didn't invoke any warm feelings within her, didn't arouse any passion in her. Nothing did anymore. Spike had always been the only person who could make her feel truly alive.
"What do you want, Angel?" Buffy asked coldly, not turning around.
Angel wanted to grab her and shake her violently. Instead he said angrily,
"When are you going to stop moping around? Spike died, okay, let's all grieve, but let's face it, for most of his undead life he did things that were too horrible to name. You've got friends that love you, Buffy and instead of enjoying that love and reciprocating you're sitting here staring at a wall, mourning a man who did so much evil in the world."
Buffy flared up immediately.
"How dare you, Angelus? You did way worse things than him and the only reason you stopped was because you were forced to have a soul. Spike endured so much torture to get his back. When you lost your soul for the second time around you committed so many acts of evil and you didn't want to get back your soul. Spike went looking for it! How could you?"
Angel, wincing at the sound of his original name, looked away. He couldn't argue with her. Everything she said was true and though he hated to admit it, Spike did turn out to be a better man than him. Softly he said,
"I knew that Spike had a soul before I gave you the amulet."
Buffy whirled.
"What?"
"I knew he had a soul. Giles had told me. I knew what the necklace could do and I knew that you wouldn't let me be a part of the battle. I wanted you to give it to Spike, because then it would get rid of him and save the world at the same time. I knew that you, knowing that you could possibly lose, would want to have a back-up plan and I knew that you would give it to Spike. I knew that he would die. I wanted him to."
Buffy gasped, unable to register what he was saying. Stepping away from the vampire, she shook her head.
"Get out," her voice was quiet, deadly quiet, but when he didn't move she screamed,
"GET OUT!"
Xander and Willow came running up the stairs along with Dawn and Faith at the sound of her voice.
"What's wrong?" Willow asked, panicked.
Buffy whispered,
"He knew. He knew Spike was going to die and he just let it happen. God, he wanted it to happen! Willow, he wanted Spike to die."
She collapsed onto the floor crying, sobbing the same mantra over and over again.
"He knew Spike would die. He knew."
Her friends just looked helplessly at each other, not knowing how they could help to ease the grief and pain of their friend. Buffy had saved them countless number of times, but now they couldn't save her. Faith turned to Angel and pushed him out of the room saying,
"You've done enough here for one day, you idiot. Get out of the house and if you return without Buffy's permission, I'll make sure that you leave this house as dust."
Angel nodded, and ran out of the house, furious at himself for letting his emotions get the better of him. He hadn't wanted to hurt Buffy, but the fact that she was grieving so much for Spike really got to him. He had never been close to Spike. There had always been a rivalry between them, but he hadn't thought of what would happen when there wasn't him around. He had never thought that someone would prefer Spike to himself. In trying to get Buffy's attention he had pushed her away.
Meanwhile Dawn was hugging Buffy, trying to comfort her in vain. Finally she said,
"Buffy, the last thing Spike would want you to do is waste your life. He died so that you could live it and no matter what, even if Angel knew that he would die, he died a hero. Remember his last words? 'You've beat them back. I'll clean up'. Or something like that, but still. He died a hero. And when he died I also lost a friend because Spike was good for you excepting that incident. He was good for you and he was good for me. He was understanding and I lost a close friend when he died so I need you now more than ever. Buffy, please don't leave me alone now. Please."
Buffy hugged her, knowing that her sister's words held truth in them, but every time she thought of Spike it was like a knife wound. She said slowly,
"I can't stop thinking of him. Of the hurtful things I said to him. I once told him that he was beneath me because I knew that those words would crush him and now…I want to take it back, but I can't. I was so cruel to him, yet he kept on loving me. I need him, Dawnie. I need him because everything I do, everything I see, reminds me of him. Patrolling, the scent of tobacco that I would always smell on him, fighting with vampires. Everything!"
Dawn cried and hugged Buffy all the tighter.
"We'll get through this, Buffy, I promise, but I need you to help me. You can't cut yourself off. I can't survive this without you, Buffy. Please."
The blonde nodded and with the help of her sister and Willow got up to learn to live without the man she loved. Slowly she walked downstairs and addressed the other slayers, who were assembled, unsure of what they should do.
"Alright guys, I know that I haven't really been much use recently, but all that's going to change now. I know that I'm no longer the Chosen, thank God, but I still have much more experience than you guys. So I think that you guys should go in pairs to known hellmouths and do what you can there. Some of you should seek out other slayers too and help them adjust you know. I will stay here in LA since there are a lot, and I mean a lot of vampires here."
Kennedy joked,
"Yeah right, you just want to be here because of Angel."
At the sound of his name, Buffy's face darkened and Willow shot a look at Kennedy. She looked at them confused and asked,
"Was I wrong to say that?"
Buffy said tightly,
"No, Kennedy, I'm not staying here because of Angel. I'm staying here despite Angel. He and I are no longer friends. We may be work colleagues, but nothing more, I assure you."
The slayers all looked at each other, confused, but none dared to ask Buffy what had caused this rift between them. Buffy had only just started speaking to them for the first time in nearly six months and they're weren't going to do anything to ruin it.
BTVS BTVS
"Dawn, can you come with me please? I need to do something and I would prefer it if you were there with me."
Dawn didn't really want to go, but she knew that Buffy was extremely fragile right now so she agreed. Buffy didn't tell her where they were going and Dawn didn't ask, although she had a suspicion. She was proven right when Buffy pulled up in front of Angel's office building. They went up swiftly to his office, but Buffy motioned for her to stay outside, knowing that Angel might say things that shouldn't be said in front of Dawn. When she walked in, Angel, catching sight of her, immediately rose.
"Buffy!"
She gestured for him to sit down and said,
"Angel, why? You said that you came to LA for redemption, but do you call killing the man you spent around 100 years with redemption? Do you call killing the man that I, whom you supposedly love, am in love with, do you really call that redemption? Do you call all those lies and deceits-"
"NO! God, Buffy, don't you understand? It was all for you, everything. Giles told me all about Spike. I had to save you from yourself! Don't you understand? He was so bad for you! He was almost as bad as me when I had no soul," Angel could no longer contain himself.
"Almost as bad as you. But when he had a soul, he was better than you. He sacrificed his life just because of you wanted to be better than him, but guess what? His dying made him a way better man than you could even think of. You can't even be compared to him."
Angel and Buffy stared at each other, all words disappearing. Angel seemed to plead with Buffy, but she didn't care. He had planned the death of the love of her life therefore he was past forgiveness. She finally said shortly,
"I'm staying in LA whilst all the other girls go to other hellmouths to slay vampires. We may meet but you're nothing more than a business acquaintance to me anymore, do you understand? Nothing more."
Turning on her heel she began to walk out, but Angel stopped her, grabbing her arm
"Buffy, please. Don't do this. Haven't we been through enough together? How can you let Spike get between us?"
Buffy hissed,
"If you think this is just about Spike, then you don't understand at all. It's about you and the awful person you've become. Now let go of me."
His arm fell from her as if scalded and she slammed out of the room. Angel sat down, trying to find a way to get her to forgive him, but deep down he knew that he had lost her forever.
