Clarity
Hot dive into frozen waves where the past comes back to life. If I fear for the selfish pain, it was worth it every time. Hold still right before we crash cause we both know how this ends. A clock ticks 'till it breaks your glass and I drown in you again.
They say you can't go home again. That statement has never been more true, or untrue than at this moment in time. Here I was heading towards the place I had once called home. Running, was more like it. Once I reached the city limits, crossing in from Lodi, I saw the signature Redwood sign welcoming me to Charming, California. The population sign read 14,679, that was about to change. I pulled off to the side of the road and closed my eyes, and it all came rushing back.
"Are you trying to make me choose? You can't be serious right now, you can't be! You know what, if you hate it here so much just go. Fucking go and never come back!" I could hear his voice, like he was sitting next to me. My heart had broken in that moment. The look in Jackson Teller's eyes told me all that I needed, his eyes were clear windows to his soul. They never lied. Cold as ice, those blue eyes flashed rage and hatred. So without further word I turned and walked out, I didn't look back there was no point.
'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need. Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why. If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy? If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?
I opened my eyes, took a shaking breath and pulled back onto the road that lead home. It had been ten years, and driving down the familiar road it was clear that nothing had changed but deep down I knew everything had. The town was 22.8 square miles, and at every turn there was a memory. I could see the moments that had happened throughout my entire youth. I could see the three of us sitting outside the Sweet Shoppe splitting the candy we had bought, coffee shop where I got a part time job when I turned 16, the Hairy Dog where my alcoholic father drank his days and nights away. My heart sped up as I got closer to the large building that was a huge part of my life back then. I held my breath and willed myself not to look as I drove by it. Thankfully the car I was driving was not one that would be recognized. But as the fates would have it, the light turned red and there were 3 cars in front of me. It was the longest red light of my life. I kept my eyes straight ahead, I had to. If I turned I knew he would be there. I could feel it. I could sense those eyes on me. When the light turned I released the breath I didn't realize I had been holding. I wasn't ready to face Jackson Teller, I knew I would have to and soon.
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy? If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?
I pulled into the driveway, there was no turning back now. It took all of 30 seconds for the neighborhood watch to spot that there was an unfamiliar vehicle at my dad's house. It had been empty for some time, I couldn't bring myself to sell it when he had died. And now I had cause to return, and more memories came flooding back as I sat parked in the driveway. The two of us sitting on the stoop waiting for Opie to join us, the first time I rode on the back of his bike, so many chaste kisses goodbye at the door when he would drop me off. I shook my head to clear out the images. It was at that moment that the tap came, I turned and saw one of the few people I genuinely was happy to see.
Piney Winston had been there to help in his subtle way, he took me under his wing when it was clear that my father would rather relinquish his rights to parent me and take up caring for the bottle. He was more a father figure to me in those pivotal years. And here he was to greet me on my return home. I opened the car door and stepped out and right into his arms. He bear hugged me, not saying anything right away. I could smell auto grease, cigarettes, and Irish whiskey, all things Piney.
"God I missed you old man." I whispered. He released me, held me at an arm's length to examine me. He'd done it so many times in the past, always looking to make sure that I was healthy, and safe. It made coming back seem like the right choice after all.
"Hey girl. What the hell took you so long?" His gruff voice was almost musical, and then his eyes looked past me to the car, and contents in the back seat.
"Well, that would do it." All I could do was nod my head. "Let's get you inside, I guarantee if I know you are back, it won't take long for the rest of this god forsaken town to catch wind of it." He opened the door saying "I don't know about you kid, but I'm starving, you up for a burger and shake?"
I laughed "You are always hungry old man. "
He didn't bother turning back to me when he responded, " I wasn't taking to you Tara, I was talking to her. Your mama might be one of my old favorites, but she really can be a pain in the ass. How you doin' kiddo? It's been a while, my name is Piney, I knew your mom when she was a kid, and your grandparents, among others." I didn't have much with me, just a couple of bags in the trunk, I asked him to hang by the car while I ran them inside. I knew there were more memories inside, but I thought if I dropped the bags and took Piney up on his offer it would give me some time to accept things. I stepped in the front door and it was like being hit by a wrecking ball. I felt the draw, to walk through the house and live in the memories, but I stopped myself. I set the bags down in the living room, and stepped back out, watching Piney telling my girl all kinds of stories. It had been barely two minutes but they clearly had won each other over. I smiled for what felt like the first time, in a long time.
I drove us to Lumpy's, it was one of the mom and pop locales that remained, Piney told me on the way over that Lumpy had passed the business over to his kids to run. As we walked into the diner it was like I was a teenager again. Everything was the same, from the decor to the waitress behind the counter.
"Well look what the cat dragged in. Grab a seat, I'll be right with you sweetie." Sarah the 60 something waitress called out while pouring coffee to a customer at the counter. We headed to a booth, Piney sat across from me, pushing his oxygen tube into his nose he took a deep breath.
"Alright girl, start talking." For the first time, I actually did. It all came out, with only a few pauses to order our food. Piney listened, and Sarah brought dessert, "The usual, on me. It is nice to see you again Tara. And bring this beauty with you again. I could use some of this art work to hang around here."
She set down a slice of apple pie in front of Piney, and a chocolate shake at me, and a hot fudge sundae. She picked up the place mat and looked at it, then smiled and in that small town gossip hub style asked "You gonna sign this for me, all the greats sign their work so people know the best when they see it." I knew it was an attempt to find out who exactly this child was with me, if she was doing the math like so many would be she didn't have to try too hard to come to a conclusion. But I had raised the best of the two of us, and she caught on fast and just scribbled JGT and smiled up at the waitress. The roar of motorcycles could be heard from a half a mile away, I felt myself tense up.
Please, oh please not yet. I prayed. I wasn't ready, not yet. Piney paid the bill and winked at Sarah as we slid out of the booth and we saw her taping up the sketch by the cash register. It was a simple pencil sketch of the street and shops from the window of our booth. "Come on Tara, time to get you and Jac, home. Hey kiddo you need to make me some drawings. Think you could draw a decent motorcycle?" She smiled a million watt grin up at him. It was Jax's smile. I might have had to leave him behind, but every day I get to see all the best of him in her.
Walk on through a red parade and refuse to make amends. It cuts deep through our ground and makes us forget all common sense. Don't speak as I try to leave 'cause we both know what we'll choose. If you pull and I push too deep then I'll fall right back to you.
We walked out of Lumpy's, and I used the remote to unlock the car, Piney walked around to the passenger side and started to get into the car and the roar called out in the night air again. He looked up as it got louder, my heart pounding my ears. I opened the back door and shuffled Jac in. The sound got closer, the voice in my head was cursing. And then it became an idling sound, cutting off behind me allowing me to hear the voice of its owner.
"Hey pop, what are you doing here?" The sound of Opie's voice had me frozen. Where Opie was Jackson Teller was sure to be close by. They had been practically inseparable since birth. For the moment it was just Opie. "Oh just having dinner with an old friend, ain't that right?" He was going to force me to face things, clearly Opie hadn't recognized me yet. I swallowed the lump in my throat, and turned to face my old friend. "Yup. Just catchin' up on lost time." The expression on Opie's face went from confused, to happy to concerned in a flash of seconds.
"What the hell are you doing here? Wait sorry that didn't come out right. Shit, Tara. When did you get back?" I was instantly in another Winston hug. He lifted me a good three feet in the air with his hug. He set me down and with a huge grin began drilling me with questions. "Are you passing through? Staying at your dad's place? When the hell did you get here, and why the fuck is this crazy old bastard the first to see you?" I had placed myself in front of the window of the car once he set me down. It wasn't the time, and I knew the moment he got the chance he would be on the phone to Jax.
"Not really sure to be honest. Trying to work some stuff out. Figured this was a good enough place to do it." I gave him the truth, vague but still the truth. Piney stood with the door open, knowing more now because of our discussion, or rather my confessions and like the father figure he was spoke up "She'll be around. You can grill her another time. I'm tired and need to get home before I fall over in Lumpy's parking lot. Come on Tara get us home before the rest of SAMCRO ends up here to play catch up."
Opie nodded, and I gave a half hearted smile. "You should come by the house some time while you are in town, Donna would be happy to see you. She misses you. We all do." He spoke getting back on his bike. He started the engine and I agreed to give them a call and stop by while I was in town. I moved to get in the car and he looked up as he began to back the bike up. The recognition of what he had seen clear. I got in and started the car, he pulled away rushing off in the direction that I was sure lead to his best friend. It was a five minute drive, and I was sure that by the time I got Piney home there would be a blonde fury waiting for me. I was relieved when I pulled in to the driveway and found it clear. Piney climbed out and began walking across the yard to his home. "I'll see you in the morning. Get some sleep. You are going to need it." He spoke as he went. I sighed knowing he was right. I turned and looked at my daughter, our daughter, it made sense at the time to come back here. I only hope it was the right choice.
Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need. Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why. If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy? If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?
Each chapter is based on a song, a sort of Jax and Tara playlist. Please review.
