Kate Beckett sat in her chair, staring at the murder board, mesmerized by the silence in the bullpen without Castle around. The words were beginning to run together. Beckett hadn't slept well in the last forty-eight hours after wrapping up the case that had sent the entire mystery of her mother's murder into a tailspin. If she was honest with herself, it wasn't entirely her mother's case keeping her awake at night. There was a combination of the mean streets of New York City keeping the murder rate at an astounding pace and…that kiss. Beckett thoughtlessly brought two fingers to her lips as a small smile formed there. The smile quickly faded as she thought about the distance Castle had been keeping since that night. Josh came back from Africa early and surprised her with breakfast in bed the next morning. The pang of guilt threatened to explode their entire relationship into a million tiny pieces. In a way, they were already broken, but kept at it, kept working, and kept going. They had built their relationship on comfort and the understanding of the tolls that both of their jobs took on them. Kate cared deeply for Josh and wanted to make things work between them; but that kiss. If Kate would just be honest with herself she would see that Josh was just a pawn playing nothing but a distraction for the one thing she kept denying herself of. Yawning suddenly, Kate reached for her coffee, brushing the sleep from her eyes with her other hand. She silently cursed herself for not making a better effort to work on her relationship. She needed that distraction again and she needed a break from this damn case. She walked over to her desk purely exhausted and threw her coat on. As she felt around in her desk for her car keys, she picked up her phone instead. She stared at the screen for a moment. Still no messages. Her eyes dropped to a spot on the floor as she tried to quiet the racing thoughts going through her mind. What if he is done? He can't be. Not after all the things he said and did that night. Could that kiss really have ruined what they had spent three years building? She highlighted Josh's name in her contacts and opened a new message. She thought about what to say but scrapped the draft instead. She was going to surprise him. The case wasn't going anywhere at the moment anyway and after Josh had left for Africa, the sexual frustration was building.
As the wind bit at her now rosy cheeks a voice penetrated the fog that had consumed her tired mind. "Always…" she heard his voice slowly above a whisper. She paused with her keys in the lock of the car rubbed at her eyes again. She really was tired.
When Josh left for Africa, he left a key to his apartment with Kate. He had asked her to check in on the place now and then. She hadn't told him that she actually stayed the night there a couple of nights to get away from the Castle thoughts that invaded her mind. She slowly slid the key into the lock and quietly turned the door knob, hoping not to wake him if he was already asleep. Looking around the apartment at the clothes spilling out of the small suitcase he had taken with him and the Chinese take-out boxes that cluttered the coffee table to her right, she just shook her head. "The life of a bachelor" she noted under her breath. She took off her coat and draped it over the back of what she had once claimed as 'The Most Comfortable Chair She Had Ever Sat In' and tiptoed down the hall to the bedroom. It was a little past 11:30 pm and she had assumed that a man who had claimed that afternoon during lunch to be 'jet-lagged' would be asleep. She couldn't say that hearing the commotion in the bedroom didn't make her smile slightly. She had to admit that the man was a better distraction awake than he was asleep. She heard a giggle on the other side of the door. It was too high-pitched to be from Josh and Josh didn't giggle anyway. Did any man giggle? That wasn't the point she thought hurriedly as it donned on her that there was another female in her boyfriend's room. She peeked through the small crack that had been left open and knew for a fact that the reason she felt like she was going to vomit was because that woman definitely was not Josh's sister or anything close to being an 'okay' female to have in his home. Her jaw lay slack and she could feel the familiar stinging sensation coming from her tear ducts. If it weren't for the tiny voice in her head telling her 'it isn't worth it' she wasn't sure if she would have had so much self-control at the moment. She may not have been in love with Josh but it didn't make the metaphorical break in her heart feel any less painful. After everything she had been through in the last few days and piling this on top of it all caused Kate to have to swallow what she knew was going to turn into uncontrollable sobbing.
Kate made her way as quickly and quietly out of that apartment as she possibly could. She didn't have to have to face him yet. Not like this. He would not have that power over her. She would not allow him the ability to see her in such a vulnerable form. He didn't deserve her and she knew that. Or did she not deserve him? She had after all kissed Castle first. No! She had a damn good reason for that and while she couldn't say she didn't enjoy it, she was not doing the horizontal shuffle with him while her boyfriend dealt with a personal crisis. She slammed her car door as she got in and punched the steering wheel. It was such a barbarian move but she was hoping the pain radiating throughout her fist would trump the pain she was feeling emotionally. She looked at herself in the rearview mirror and knew she had to pull it together. She was Kate 'Fucking' Beckett. She was not some weak little school girl. This was not her personality. She took a few deep breaths and looked angrily up at the window belonging to Josh's apartment and wiped away the remaining tears from her eyes.
She zipped out of her parking space and drove the city streets she had come to know like the back of her hand. She was tired but she didn't want to go home. She didn't want to be stuck alone in a quiet house with nothing to do but think.
Kate stared at her phone as she sat parked outside of 'The Old Haunt.' She weighed her options. Lanie or Castle? In a away Kate blamed Castle for all of this. Logically she knew that it wasn't his fault it was nobody's but her own and that is what was making her so angry. She was a detective. How could she not see that she was not the only girl her boyfriend was showing his 'hog' to? Lanie on the other hand talked too much. Kate wasn't sure she could vocalize what was going on. She was too embarrassed and even if Lanie was her best friend, she wasn't ready to talk about it. Instinctively her thumb pressed the number two and before she knew it a sleepy voice was greeting her in confusion. "Beckett? Did you get a break in the case?"
She had to swallow the lump in her throat once…twice…third time was the charm.
"Kate?" She knew he was worried. He only used her first name when he was concerned and she knew she needed to give him some sort of answer before called The President himself to send out a military search party for her.
"Can you meet me at 'The Old Haunt?'" Her voice was barely above a whisper and she was having trouble masking the emotion behind every syllable.
Before he could even answer Rick Castle found his feet touching the hardwood floor of his bedroom.
"Yeah. Of Course!" he nodded furiously on the other end. "Give me fifteen minutes…"
Kate didn't wait for another word and she didn't remember speaking anything else before she ended the call and looked into the rearview mirror again, biting her lip and wondering what the hell she was doing. She was playing with fire but he was the only one who would understand the need to just be in somebody's company. He had gone through it with his ex-wives and with as much of a pain in the ass as Richard Castle was, he knew her. He knew when to push and he knew when to back off. She just hoped that tonight would be no exception.
