So, this is the first fanfic I've written in about a decade so please forgive the horrible writing style. This all started with a weird plot bunny that got out of hand. Sort of inspired by the kink meme (as far as I know there's no prompt like this, but it came to me while I was on there). Also, to explain the title, 犬の歯に蚤 (Inu no ha ni nomi) is a Japanese proverb lit. meaning "A Flea between a dog's teeth" which essential means "small things are difficult to catch, so be careful". I really like how Narita uses proverbs throughout Durarara, so I decided to use some. I guess it's kind of obvious who the flea is and who's the dog. ( ͡͡ ° ͜ ʖ ͡ °)
A incredibly long and awkward silence filled the room as the two sat at the table.
This was weird.
No, scratch that. Thinking "this was weird" was an understatement.
This was beyond weird. This had transcended so far beyond weird, that it made the fact that Celty was an immortal, headless, Irish fairy seem completely ordinary in comparison.
Kida Masaomi decided that this was the single most awkward experience of his young life.
It had started out normally enough. The incredible pay raise had been a very happy and unexpected surprise. He had taken the offer from Izaya immediately, caught up in the thoughts of being able to afford to take Saki out somewhere nice to dinner, or maybe even making a grand getaway and using the pay raise against Izaya to relocate as far from Shinjuku as possible. Before he arrived at the luxurious apartment, Kida had finally begun to come down from his fantasy-driven high, and started to feel a creeping sensation in the pit of his stomach he could only identify as 'intense regret'. And as usual when dealing with Izaya, there was an unpleasant catch to it all that he was now currently experiencing.
Kida cleared his throat awkwardly, unsure of how to approach the current monstrous sized elephant in the room. If Izaya noticed the painfully obvious attempt at beginning a conversation, he chose not to acknowledge it, instead continuing to leer in an unnerving manner at Kida. Or more so probably, which was what the matter at hand was related to, at Kida's current attire. Kida cleared his throat once more and thought 'to hell with it', plunging through the thick atmosphere.
"Izaya-san...I know the job terms included not asking any questions, but-"
Izaya's eyes narrowed, but his predatory smirk only grew larger. "Then I suggest you stick to the fine print, Kida-kun."
Kida faltered slightly, but felt that it was his right to know. He knew Izaya was up to something and this ridiculous situation must have something to do with it. There's no way he could intimidate me with any more blackmail, thought Kida. Considering the current dirt Kida had on him and the fact he'd already been exposed as the leader of the yellow scarves, he assumed there wasn't much else that could be used against him. Then again, Izaya also knew Kida was too loyal to ever take any real revenge towards him. He was still too reliant on his paychecks. So he figured he had some leeway to at least be as obnoxious as possible while he had the rare opportunity to do so.
"Yeah, I'm gonna ask anyway. Care to explain what all this," Kida paused to gesture to his outfit with an exaggerated sweep of his hands, "is all about?"
Izaya simply closed his eyes, sighed, and shrugged. "I'm not really sure what you mean," he said in an incredibly aggravating manner. He took a sip from his tea quietly.
Kida rolled his eyes and fixed him with a 'don't give me that bullshit you lying little shit' look.
"Seriously? Look at me! I always knew you had a screw loose but this...th-this," Kida seemed to be at a complete loss of words for the briefest of moments but pressed on to try and finish as eloquently as possible, "This is some pretty fucked up shit right here." Ok, maybe not as elegantly as it could have been in its delivery, but Kida maintained a prideful manner at his quick choice of words and grinned triumphantly.
The "pretty fucked up shit" in question was the fact that Kida's new job apparently seemed to consist of two very simple and, albeit confusing, incredibly awkward tasks. The first task had been to don a bartender's uniform that was an exact replica of one Shizuo Heiwajima's (which had somehow been tailored to his exact measurements – go figure) and a pair of blue sunglasses (identical of course to the aforementioned blonde-haired protozoan's). The second task had been to basically just pretend that none of the first task had even occurred, and to spend time with and assist Izaya with whatever was at his request.
It was hard to say which of the two tasks was more cringe worthy, in all honesty. It also didn't make Kida feel any less anxious with the suspicious open ended phrasing of 'whatever was at his request'. The terms were simple – 'Don't ask questions, I will increase your pay in tenfold, and this will be an occasionally re occurring job' ("You can handle something that simple, ne, Kida-kun?") Of course, with just the terms stated, Kida assumed it was just the regular old gathering info accompanied by some unpleasant tasks. Never in his wildest dreams would he have assumed he'd be playing dress up as his boss' claimed worst nemesis.
"Can't two people simply enjoy a cup of tea together? What's 'fucked up' about that? I didn't realize this was akin to a crime among young people today." Izaya definitely knew exactly what Kida meant, but it was as if he wanted to see what Kida would say first. And because it was Izaya, that's precisely what he was doing, with the added addition of getting to see some wonderful human reactions. Izaya's eyes practically glittered in anticipation.
"Damn it, you know this isn't about the tea! Even though it is also fucked up for that fact because no one would willingly ever have tea with you for your company." Izaya's smirk faltered somewhat at that statement, which Kida inwardly rewarded himself for achieving. "But, in addition to that, I'm dressed like Shizuo fucking Heiwajima! You know, that guy you say you hate and antagonize at every chance you get? I guess what I'm getting at here, since you know it's not like I'm gonna say anything to anyone but...I gotta know why."
"Well, isn't it obvious?"
"Uh...is it supposed to be?" Kida looked confused. How adorable.
"Who else in Tokyo has atrociously bleached blonde hair like that, and in addition has an established business relationship with me? Really, Kida, it appears the bleach may be having detrimental effects on your brain functioning. Perhaps it would be in your best interest to stop re-traumatizing your poor brain cells."
Kida's initially calm but anxious demeanor had flared into a full fledged annoyance-induced rage that Izaya was clearly reveling in provoking, the smug bastard. He stood up suddenly from the table, nearly knocking his tea over.
"You...YOU INFURIATING LITTLE MAN!"
Izaya cocked an eyebrow at the choice of words.
"I really don't appreciate being yelled at. "
"You bastard-!"
Seeing Izaya continue to smile calmly back at him, he realized he was reacting just how Izaya probably wanted him to. Kida took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and channeled pictures of his closest friends in his mind. As he imagined Saki's smiling face, Anri's voluptuous chest (Saki didn't have to know everything), and Mikado's endearing stammering voice, Kida managed to calm himself down somewhat and began to slowly return to his seat, still glaring daggers at Izaya.
"Wait, don't sit down just yet." Kida paused mid way and raised an eyebrow questioningly. Izaya got up from his seat and backed up several feet to stare at him, eyes sweeping up and down Kida's body as he put a hand up to his chin and scrutinized him in an even more uncomfortable manner than before.
"Hmm, the height difference is quite noticeable, but I am sure at a distance it would be hard to tell. Ah, either way this will have to do! You can sit down now, if you'd like."
At this point, Kida decided maybe he was better off not knowing what this was all about. He heaved a heavy sigh and returned to his seat. They sat staring at each other for a moment, raging a silent unspoken battle with their eyes.
Kida broke the eye contact first, eyes growing wide as a thought came to him. Had he been a cartoon character, a small animated light bulb would have suddenly appeared over his head in a comical manner. The odd mood swing from a raging Kida, to a Kida that was now smiling knowingly at Izaya in a manner he decided he really didn't care for, was an unexpected development. Regardless, Izaya kept up his mask, interested in knowing why Kida was suddenly so confident.
"Oh! Oh. Oh my god." Kida's face scrunched up in disgust briefly. "Ew." As whatever realization dawned on him, he could barely contain the chuckles that began to fall from his lips, holding his hand to his mouth to keep from bursting out laughing. Izaya's frown deepened. He did not like the feeling of being left in the dark from some sort of inside joke Kida had with himself.
"Ah, what's this? Do tell me what you find so funny."
Kida snickered and then attempted to gather himself, deciding to lean over the table, hands interlaced as he looked at Izaya innocently. Izaya began to wonder if maybe he shouldn't have chosen Masaomi for this after all. This wasn't going exactly as he had planned. He had anticipated the anger, the annoyance, hell, he had even considered the fact that Masaomi would simply be subservient and not say much of anything out of embarrassment. But this, this had not been on the agenda. And as much as Izaya liked when his humans would occasionally defy his expectations, in this instance it only seemed to remind him more of Shizuo (and well, to be fair, Kida was dressed like him. Maybe the outfit itself did have some sort of brutish effect on its wearer. Izaya noted this possibility to explore at a later time.). Izaya had the sinking feeling he was the butt of the secret joke only Kida knew, and damned if he was going to have the tables turned on him like this.
"You are, of course. I think I understand what this is all about now." His grin was practically blinding. He winked knowingly. Izaya felt more than a little disturbed at the gesture.
"Do you now?" Izaya said levelly.
"Yup. Although, this is pretty sick, even by your standards. But eh. You know I always go with the flow." Kida shrugged. Fuck it, he thought. If this is what he thought it was...well, he'd already agreed to do it. As long as nothing too weird happened, he figured he could deal with it. Also, he may have been channeling his thoughts to the powers of his adorable friends again.
Izaya wasn't sure he entirely understood, but decided to address it some other time. He beamed a charming grin, the one that made his humans initially want to hug him, but then decided against it in favor of covering their throats instead.
"Well good then! I won't have to waste my time debriefing you about everything. It's a pleasure working with you, as always Kida-kun, but I have to say I've had enough of your company for the day. You'll receive your first paycheck by the end of this week. I'm sure you can see yourself out." He gestured in the direction of the door, his hand waving as if he was shooing away a rather pesky fly. He pulled out one of his cellphones from his coat pocket and immediately became engrossed in it.
"Oh thank god. Er, I'm going to go change first of course," Kida said sheepishly, pointing a thumb towards the bathroom where his clothes lay. Freedom was so close.
"Yes, yes, that would be wise." Izaya agreed, not looking up from his phone.
Kida got up from his spot at the table and quickly turned to get the hell out of there, but paused when an odd thought came to him.
"Oh and Izaya?"
Izaya lifted his head at this, clearly annoyed and wondering why the fuck Kida was even still there.
"If you do anything funny," Izaya swore he saw a faint blush color Kida's cheeks, but it could have just been his imagination. "I may just have no choice but to let it slip about how much of a perverted bastard you really are."
Oh ho, what's this? thought Izaya. Kida thinks he has the upper hand! This is really getting interesting now! And what is he even rambling on about, anyway? Izaya guessed he could agree he was perverted in a sense, but he wasn't sure in what sense Kida meant. He'd really have to figure out this odd inside joke at some point.
He laughed maniacally. "Haha, Kida-kun, you never fail to amuse me. Blackmail, really? Can't say I ever expected you'd have the guts to do something like that. I'm truly shaking with fear on the inside! Ha!" Izaya pretended to wipe tears from his eyes as his laughing began to subside. Kida rolled his eyes at the dramatic display.
"But in all seriousness, I wouldn't underestimate me. I'm an information broker after all, and I especially like to gather extra information on my clients and employees. Did you know on average, most humans happen to have way more than one secret they are hiding from the world? Or, say, from someone close to them...perhaps a lover?" Kida froze and suddenly looked nervous, breaking eye contact and choosing to look at the floor instead. On top of that, a dark deep red blush now flushed his entire face.
"Y-You...you know about that?" he managed to squeak out, whispering it as if he was afraid someone might overhear.
"Of course I do. I know just about everything about you and my key pawns of Ikebukuro! Honestly, you think you'd realize that by now. Well then, if you have no further empty threats you'd like to make, I'll be seeing you around, Kida-kun. You may leave your uniform on the couch before you go." Izaya waved happily and Kida slunk off, cursing himself for saying such a stupid thing. At this point he just wanted to get the hell out of there. He hurriedly changed and quickly left without another word.
Izaya looked up as he heard his door slam. He grinned once more and got up from his kitchen table, stretching languidly, and headed towards his desk.
"He's got a point, you know. I didn't think you could be anymore of a depraved freak than you already are, but then again I'm not really that surprised," A female voice suddenly muttered bitterly from across the room.
"Ah, Namie-san. I forgot you were even here. Well, I guess it isn't really hard to forget a presence as inconsequential as yours." Said secretary Namie looked up from her position at her desk and threw a glare towards Izaya. She huffed and muttered something under her breath that sounded suspiciously like 'pretentious little prick'. Izaya simply ignored her and turned around to face the enormous window behind his desk.
"Oh, but this is going to be so interesting! I haven't bothered Shizu-chan as of late, so I'm sure he's been lulled into a false sense of security. With a doppelganger at my every command, there are so many things I can do! I could place Masaomi-kun into some sticky situations with the Awakusu-kai, who will no doubt begin to investigate Shizu-chan's every move! Or maybe I should start some online rumors about us joining up as an unstoppable tag team that should be feared by all? Ah, there are so many possibilities. Just thinking of the ways Shizu-chan will suffer makes me so happy I could throw up!"
Namie snickered. "I'm sure his suffering isn't the only thing that makes you happy," she said nonchalantly. Izaya turned to face her.
"Why does it feel like you and Kida-kun have some sort of odd interpretation of this situation?" Izaya looked slightly puzzled. The inside joke appeared to be shared between the two. Hmm.
Namie laughed out loud this time. "For all your smart talk, you really are pretty dense. Anyway, if you are quite done with your rant, I'll be leaving now. I don't get paid enough for this shit." And with a huff she gathered her things and briskly walked out the door, slamming it in a similar manner that Kida had just moments before.
Izaya stared after her for a moment, shrugged, and turned to face his window. He couldn't contain the grin the re emerged on his face.
"Well, I guess it's time for the game to begin."
This chapter's proverb is 裏には裏がある (ura ni wa ura ga aru) lit. "there is a reverse side to the reverse side" meaning there is more to the story than one is aware of (or more than meets the eye). Please let me know what you think! I really could use some constructive criticism. Kida is not a character I usually like to write, but I like the way he interacts with Izaya, so for the sake of the story to unfold he's going to be a key player in all this. This was originally just supposed to be a one shot, but it got really out of hand. I've never written multiple chapters for a fic so bear with me in this trying time. Also key to note, this story takes place sometime after the third novel events (or season 1) but in some au where Kida doesn't really leave and continues to attend Raira. Vorona and Akabayashi will be making appearances later, so there are some later novel spoilers throughout.
