Things Better Left Unvisited:

Exactly What It Sounds Like, Mates.


In the Abbey of Redwall hundreds of peace-loving creatures live in harmony, helping one another and being entirely self-sufficient. They have many feasts each year, with all manner of scrumptious-sounding but probably quite unhealthy vegetarian (by the loosest definition possible, since they slaughter watershrimp by the thousands and are known to take a liking to grayling) foods. There is a room for nearly every peaceable and practical purpose: Dormitories, cellars, an Abbey school, a gatehouse, kitchens, pantries, a belltower, a Great Hall, a Cavern Hole for story-telling, a dusty attic, even hidden tunnels and ancient tombs. Yet one mystery remains:

All those beasts. All those feasts. Never one mention, not even a passing mention, of one very special room which all civilized creatures hold dear.

Where's the damned lavatory?

Let's say it doesn't exist. Redwallers are far too uppity to expose themselves to the filth of ancient times. Therein lies a problem. Redwall Abbey has been besieged at least one dozen times not counting the attempts that wouldn't have worked unless the foebeast had dynamite and cybernetic suits to aid them. During a siege it is very difficult to leave said besieged dwelling, not to mention will the beast who tries this likely be killed as a scout or captured for leverage. If there be no loo, where then do they poo? Tasteless, I know, but it begs the question from my sewer of a brain.

Hang on, mates... I think I've just discovered the way to take over Redwall once and for all! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHA!


More may follow. If you like, you may leave an as-of-yet unanswered bit of unusual Redwall yore as a suggestion, but it is more than likely I'll cover the grand majority of oddness and unmentioned unmentionables.