A/N: Yup, another RE4 parody. I'll keep it original, though! As always, your reviews keep me going! Make sure you leave one! Hands readers a cookie.
Sun, Sea and Demented Spaniards
Chapter 1
It was a warm autumn day, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the leaves were a pleasant mix of reds, browns and yellows. Spain was lovely this time of year, and Leon would have spent some time to enjoy it, if it wasn't for the all-important mission of saving the President's daughter. Yes, we've already seen it in the films, and we know there's going to be a happy ending, but Capcom really thought it was original, just as they thought spooky mansions were.
Leon sighed, gazing out the back window of the four-wheel drive. About four or five people in funny hats were playing Mexican music, which was strange considering they were about twenty miles from the nearest town.
The driver turned around, taking his eyes off the road. A few seconds later, a painful howl came from under the jeep.
'Who are you, really?' asked the driver.
'I'm Osama Bin Laden, what do you think?' replied Leon.
'No, I mean…ah forget it.'
'I'm here to save the President's Daughter, Ashley Graham, twenty years old and currently wearing a hot miniskirt.' Leon started drooling at the thought. 'Anyway, why did you tag along? It's not like we're going to be singing Kum-Bi-Ya round a boy scout camp-fire.'
The cop in the passenger's seat started crying. 'I bought marshmallows and all! You meanie!'
Leon felt seriously annoyed with these idiots. 'I promise we can have a camping trip after the mission, ok?'
'Yeah, whatever,' said the driver. 'Uh-oh. I think I drank too much back at the rest stop five minutes ago. I need to go take a wee-wee.'
'Awe, little baby need to go potty?' chimed the other cop. Cop number one gave him a piercing glare, and jumped out the door.
For twenty minutes, cop number one stood there, relieving himself. 'Brrrr, it's freezing out here, and no-one likes frozen vegetables,' he said with a grin. He zipped his trousers back up, and turned towards the jeep, when he saw something big and scary and intimidating rush by in the trees. 'Hmm, must be a wolf or summing.'
He returned to the jeep, and continued driving towards the village where Ashley was apparently spotted last. Leon widened his eyes as cop number one started singing, 'Who's afraid of the big bad wolf, the big bad wolf, the big bad wolf?'
The American spy shuddered, and took out his DS. He could waste hours on Pictochat, and loved to prank-message Hunnigan, and she had no idea that it was him.
'Hey honey,' he scrawled, 'Wanna go out for dinner after this mission?'
A few moments passed, then her reply flashed on screen. 'Leon? Is that you?'
'Shit.'
He placed the handheld back in his coat pocket, and looked out the window. They were crossing an old bridge, and Leon could see the village in the distance.
The car slowed, and the driver waved his hand. 'Can't go any further, amigo.'
Leon opened the back door, and stepped out of the car. 'Now, don't do a Brad on me.'
'A Brad?' asked cop number two.
'Didn't you ever play that really scary game? You know, the one with the Zombies?'
'I hate video games.'
'What kind of a sad freak are you!' yelled Leon. 'Anyway…don't leave without me.'
'What if there are a load of evil villagers coming to kill us?' joked cop number one.
Leon laughed. 'That's different, but I doubt that would ever happen. Not in a million years. Not in a month of Sundays. Not in a-'
'We get the picture, amigo. We wont chicken out. We won't do a…Brad.'
'Thanks.' said Leon, and he walked off towards an old house. 'Oh, wait. I forgot something.' He backtracked to the car, where the cops were looking at something, and drooling.
Cop Number One: (Insert random Spanish here)
Cop Number Two: (More Spanish)
Cop Number One: (Drools) (Random Spanish)
'Ahem'
'Oh!'said cop number one. Leon caught cop number two hastily shoving something in the glove compartment. 'Ahem…uh, forgot your make-up or something?'
'Um, yes, actually. I left my mascara. Can I have it?'
'Oh, sure.' Cop number one gave Leon the small peach tube. 'See ya.'
Leon walked off, leaving the cops questioning about his sexuality.
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'Gay'? asked cop number one.
'Defiantly,' said cop number two.
He opened the glove compartment, and took out the mystery item. 'Thank God he didn't see this, eh?' he said.
'Yeah, what a beauty!' said One.
For ages they sat there, gazing at the giant Mars Bar.
Cop Number Two: (Random Spanish)
Cop Number One: Ohhhhhhh si…
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A/N: Will Leon find Ashley in the village? Will we find out more about his sexuality problems? Will the cops do a 'Brad'? Find out in chapter 2!
