Unintentional Pain


Alone

I must look really pathetic right now.

I've been sitting here alone in this coffee house for the past three hours. Drink after drink, and still I don't dare to leave. Those judgmental, pity-filled eyes of others no longer have an effect on me. I used to be so self conscious, but now, I couldn't care less. You might think I'm just some loser, loner college student, and maybe you're right. But being here, it brings back memories of happier times. Times I spent with her.

"Spencer, could you walk any slower?"

"Hm. I don't know. Let's find out!" I said with fake innocence and instantly slowed my pace almost to a stop.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry, be as slow as you want. I'm ditching you." She started to power walk away from me…fast. I forgot she's an athlete.

"Ugh, fine!" I ran to catch up with her. She stood there holding my shoulders while I regained my breath. "What's the big deal anyways, it's not like the place is just going to sprout legs and run away from you!"

"I know Sherlock! But I'm starving, and you know I love their coffee. Besides, it's your fault for dragging me to that stupid foreign film!" She picked up her pace again.

"Ashley! That was a quality movie. Did you not see how the characters—"

"Oh God! Don't you dare go off on your little speech! What's so good about a whiny boy who basically cries the whole time because he had no money! He should just suck it up!" she said being overly dramatic, waving a clenched fist in front of herself. "Anyways, enough of that waste of time, we're here! Yay!"

"Ash you are so much like a guy sometimes, you know that? All you can think about is food."

"Yet you still love me, huh?" She said smugly.

"Yeah. For some odd reason I do."

I miss her…a lot. She's gone most of the time these days. Whether she's playing at some concert, or over at the label discussing some new album, or at some meeting or charity event; she's always away—from me.

I'm not clingy or anything. I just…I miss my best friend. The one who I kept no secrets from, the one who even after the crappiest of days I could always go to; she always did know how to cheer me up, in some way or another.

"Spence, what's wrong?" Ashley asked. Her voice laced with concern.

"Ashley…I'm…dead…grades…mom…college…tutors…" At this point I couldn't even make coherent sentences.

"Ok…calm down. Spence, you know I have a hard time even understanding plain English, so you just muttering some words really isn't helping."

She brought her arms around me and into a tight embrace. I buried my head into her neck and sobbed hysterically. Instantly her strong scent of vanilla filled my lungs, and my breathing began to slow down.

"Hey, its okay. Shh, Spence calm down. I'm here now, shh. Spencer relax, everything will be okay, I promise."

She held me in her arms, and I clung to her, afraid she'd leave me, but I knew she wouldn't. After what seemed like hours I was finally able to speak clearly.

"It's my grades. Ashley, I have a B in math. My mom is going to kill me! What about college apps! I'll never get into college now!"

"Wow, calm down! And you call me the drama queen. Sheesh!" I could feel her chuckle against my body and then hold me tighter. "Spencer, you're stressing over nothing, it's barely been two weeks into second semester, relax. Besides," she lifted my chin so I was looking into her eyes. "You're like the smartest person I know. So it was one bad test big deal you nerd!"

I couldn't help the weak laugh that escaped between my sobs; she always knew how to make me laugh.

"What's more, if anyone should be worried about grades, it should be me. With my current report card I would probably get arrested for even attempting to apply to college! They don't really value D's, C's, and the occasional B's huh?"

I laughed harder now. She never cared for school.

"Well if you bothered to do your homework!"

"Haha! Funny! I will never do such a thing!"

" You're lucky your mom doesn't care!" I shoved her shoulder playfully.

"Pfft! I could drop out of school and still that lady would not even glance my way" she said laughing. "She really is a great mother huh?"

"How can you have such an evil mother and still be this caring, lovable person?" I asked with fondness in my eyes.

"Hey! That's a secret! I'm only like this with you. So please don't go blowing my street cred telling others about this okay? Please?"

"Okay tough girl! Now, be my knight in hidden, but still shiny armor and take me home please? I need to go face my mother now."

I smiled at the memories. Ashley was actually really smart. She could cram for tests in less than five minutes and still get higher grades than me, who studied for tests a week before. However, she never did her homework. She said it was the teachers' way of enslaving children. Other than that, the fact that Ashley always skipped school really couldn't help either.

Before I moved from Ohio, I had heard that Ashley's straight-F report card and notoriously bad attendance was legendary in school. But after I met her, she somehow began to change. I would force her to do at least a few homework assignments and study for at least half an hour before going to parties. She was even less thrilled when I threatened to stop hanging out with her if she continued to skip everyday. But she did it anyways. Even Kyla was surprised; ever since meeting her sister she had been trying to get her more concerned with school, but nothing worked.

Ashley turned responsible, for me. Everyone always said I had her whipped, and we'd just tell them that was ridiculous. Deep inside, I knew I had her wrapped around my little finger; she would do anything I told her without hesitation, and I think she knew that too, but she'd never admit it.

But this all changed towards the end of high school. Ashley got a record deal, and life was not the same.

"Spence I got it! I got the record deal!" Ashley burst into my house and began jumping up and down like a preschooler.

"What! Ashley that's great!" I couldn't contain my genuine excitement for my best friend. This was all she had ever dreamed of: to be like her father, minus the drugs. Quickly, realization set in and I couldn't control my enthusiasm. "Oh my God! I'm best friends with a singer! ...I'm a groupie!"

"Hehe. I see I have found my number one fan already" she said smugly.

I jumped into her arms and began to hug her ferociously. She twirled me around the room in her strong arms, both of us laughing like idiots the entire time.

At that point I didn't know what effect that record deal would have on my life. College started, and I was going to UCLA. Ashley didn't want me to go, even though it was only a few miles away, she didn't want me staying at some creepy dorm room with a mysterious stranger, so she bought an apartment a few blocks from campus. You heard right, she bought a place just so we could still be together. This girl was truly something, and she was my best friend, how lucky was I?

Then September came around, my school began, her recording began. It started out with just a few missed movie nights and slightly shorter midnight conversations, but it progressively got worse. She came home later and later and on some nights she didn't come at all. The glorious weekends where we'd spent all day pigging out in front of various movies or going out somewhere were no more. She spent those days at the studio.

We didn't see much of each other anymore, and it hurt me to think that I was losing her.