Disclaimer: Glee, I don't own it, but I love it nonetheless! Jason Mraz owns "You & I Both"
"Am I Wasting My Time?"
Chapter One: You & I Both
I didn't really think Finn would fall into my arms after he was finally free of his parental confines.
Honestly I didn't. Did I entertain the thought? Of course I did. I had it all planned out in my head. He was going to hold my hand and thank me for my honesty, pull Quinn aside and break up with her. Then he would hold my hand and we would walk out of the building hand in hand. It would be quiet but the beating in my heart would be thunderous.
In none of my numerous fantasies did I think Finn would totally unravel and go after Noah the way he did. That he would just storm out of glee. I didn't want that. It took until after Sectionals for the whole club to realize it. I made my peace with Quinn, and while we would never actually have peace, we had an uneasy civility. I have no doubt in my mind that if the roles were reversed she would be merciless towards me, and I can accept that. My dads always told me to be the bigger person, and they should know, homophobia isn't just a myth, and I've heard some awful slurs thrown at our family. The glee kids don't know who I deal with slushie facials in stride. When someone tells you that your family is unholy, you can take some high fructose corn syrup and ice.
It had been two weeks since Sectionals and there was finally some guise of normalcy that had fallen upon them all. Quinn had attempted to go it alone, but because she was now living with Noah, she had grown to accept that he was going to be there for her, even if she initially resisted it. I gazed at the two of them in their chairs, holding hands and talking softly. They weren't exactly the perfect couple, but he was really trying and had not been with another girl, sexting or otherwise. Santana was still a little angry over this, and anyone could see she was waiting for Quinn to let her guard down. Quinn knew how tenuous her hold over Noah was and so she was hyper vigilant. It didn't seem fair to me but as I looked at Finn sitting alone near the back writing in his battered red notebook I realized a lot of things weren't fair.
I found myself walking away from my usual seat and walking to the back of the room towards Finn. I sat next to him and he seemed so far away.
"Finn," I asked gently, he looked up, and I swear I caught a note of annoyance in his raised eyebrow.
"Hey Rachel, did you have a question?" He asked and suddenly my throat went dry because no, I didn't have a question or any real reason to be sitting next to him, or approaching him at all.
"Well, um Finn," and I could see his amused look, I knew what he was thinking, Rachel Berry speechless, what's next? Kurt not following a rigorous skincare regimen? I felt myself falter, and I faked a confidence in my words, "Well Finn, I thought that we were friends, but I never really thought you would shoot the messenger and all that, and I really wish we could go back to what we had, whatever that was. It is better than this, you can't ignore us all forever. I know you are hurting and" I paused when I saw him slowly inching away from me, "Well, just know that I will always listen."
I scurried away, not wanting him to see the panicked tears that threatened to escape my eyelids, when I felt a gentle but sure grip along my forearm, "Sit with me Rach?" He asked quietly and there was no way in the world I could refuse. I turned my head away from him and smiled, smoothed my skirt and placed my messenger bag in the seat next to me.
Mr. Schuester had walked into the choir room with a huge grin on his face. "Well guys, I know that we have to be over our high from taking Sectionals, but we need to stay on our game!" a couple of groans could be heard throughout the room. "I can sense your enthusiasm guys, so this week I want your to pair up for duets. I won't choose the pairs, but I expect results. I want to see something you would be confident performing at Regionals. I'm not saying it will get picked, but we need to see some diverse song choices if we want to take on Vocal Adrenaline. Since today is Monday, I will expect performances ready by Friday. Don't worry too much about choreography, but I want the feeling behind the songs! Okay pair up!"
My heart jumped in my chest and I slowly looked towards Finn. I mean, he could very well walk over to Brittany or Santana and-
"Rachel?" he paused, startling me out of my revelry, "Partners?"
I smiled a Rachel Berry pageant winning smile, "Sure!"
He slowly turned his whole body towards me and in my heart it's a victory. He looks up at me sheepishly and asks "So, what are we going to sing?"
I nervously smooth over my skirt, again, and realize I'm at a loss. I just don't know if he is ready for a power ballad, for the emotion that goes with it. Maybe he would have been at one point but I really don't think we can pull off an "Endless Love." I look at him and pull my iPod out of my bookbag, "I think we should listen to the music that we have been playing the most right now and find a song that just makes us feel passionate. I don't think it really matters if it is a straight duet, we can make anything work, Finn." I smiled at him encouragingly. This is the most contact we had in weeks, I didn't want it to end, or end badly.
I find myself gazing at the top songs that weren't show tunes. Once I got past the Les Miz, Rent, Phantom and Grease, Finn took me by surprise and grabbed my pink iPod from my hands. He took out my headphones and replaced the jack with his, doing the same with his black iPod. I found myself staring at a whole lot of Journey and Guns N Roses. How on earth would I find a song I actually knew?
"This is a whole lotta broadway, Rachel." Finn laughed and the sound was so foreign that when I looked up, a few of the club members were staring, including Kurt. He looked at Finn longingly and then looked up at me with a look of respect, or esteem. Either way I was closer to forgiving him for the whore clown face fiasco. Not quite, but close.
Everyone had slowly walked to different corners to work on their duets. I heard the strains of "American Boy" coming from Mercedes but I was wondering if Kurt could make an effect Kanye because he kept on stomping his feet at her. Tina and Artie were paired off, something had happened between those two that I couldn't pinpoint but they were trying to find a song to sing along to. He saw the first non show tune song was Jason Mraz's "You & I Both." I blushed lightly and turned away when he pointed it out.
"I've heard of Jason Mraz, but just that 'I'm Yours' song. How does this one go?" He asked and I laughed.
"Press play Finn." I looked towards his iPod that I had in my lap when he pulled out the earbud again.
"I want to hear you sing it, Rach." And there were those eyes I couldn't resist and I couldn't help but wonder if he did know the song and was just torturing me. He knew how I felt about him, he knew that the ball was perpetually in his court. Lately though, I wondered if the game was even worth playing any more.
Ugh, sports metaphors, I have it bad for Finn.
I shook my head and looked at Finn's expectant face. I knew the words to this song by heart, and I had sung it with just as much heart these last few weeks. I started out quietly, "Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me? All things are gonna happen naturally. Oh, taking your advice and I'm looking on the bright side, and balancing the whole thing. Oh, but at often times those words get tangled up in lines, and the bright light turns to night, oh, until the dawn it brings, another day to sing about the magic that was you and me." My voice slowly got louder as I felt less self conscious about the idea of Finn seeing me sing the song that I listened to over and over just thinking about him, "Cause you and I both loved, What you and I spoke of, and others just read of. Others only read of, of the love, of the love that I loved. See I'm all about them words. Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words; Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards. More words than I had ever heard," Suddenly it was as though I was at home in my bedroom as I sang out loud and clear, "and I feel so alive! Cause you and I both loved, what you and I spoke of , and others just read of, and if you could see me now, oh, you and I, you and I. Not so little you and I anymore. And with this silence brings a moral story. More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy." I smiled at Finn and he smiled back, "And it's okay if you had to go away, oh, just remember the telephones. well, they work in both ways. But if I never ever hear them ring. If nothing else I'll think the bells inside, have finally found you someone else and that's okay, cause I'll remember everything you sang." I felt my heart swell as I finished the final chorus and I noticed all eyes were on me in admiration, but for once I didn't care. I just wanted to know if the person that mattered most had approved. When I looked back towards Finn he smiled.
"That was amazing Rachel, that could be our duet." I smiled.
"It could be, but let's keep working on it, we could find something better." I said modestly. Those words coming out of my lips seemed so foreign, but something about this boy made me feel like sharing, sharing the attention, sharing the responsibility, sharing myself. It's a feeling I still hadn't quite grasped but I tried every day.
We kept going through each others iPods and humming tunes but all too soon the bell rang signaling the end of glee for the day. I grabbed my things and went to switch my iPod with Finn's.
He held tight to it fast, and smiled, "You'll get it back when I go to your house tonight after basketball practice." I smiled back, when he flashed me that smile I was doomed.
"Sounds fine Finn, but we are going to be working, bring your dancing shoes." I smiled and said over my shoulder.
