If I Die Before I Wake
By Light Catastrophe
Chapter One: Diagnosis
Rating: M
Pairing: AkuRoku
Warnings; yaoi, slash, angst, AU, swearing
Disclaimer: I wish. Kingdom Hearts does not belong to me. Don't sue me.
Babblings: Yeah, this is another idea that's been in my head for awhile. If you like A Walk to Remember I think you'll like this story, even though it's not the exact same thing.
Roxas' point of view
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"Something you learn on the last day of your life is as important as something you learn on the first day of school, because you're not dying, you're changing."
-from Deadline by Chris Crutcher (the most amazing book ever written)
If there's one thing I've learned in life it's that life's a bitch. Perhaps I seem blunt to you, cruel even, but it's true. Nothing ever comes freely. But sometimes, sometimes, the price you have to pay is worth it in the end.
When I was naught but a wee lad of eight, I lost both my parents in a plane crash. They never recovered the bodies. Their faces are blurred in my mind. I can't see them, but I remember feeling loved. My much-older brother, Cloud, raised me even though he was barely an adult by then. He worked his ass off to help me, to send me to school, to put dinner on our table every night.
Then the second tragedy hit: I was diagnosed with leukemia. I was dying and I hadn't even hit puberty yet. I didn't even know what sex was, though I should have at least guessed because of all the loud noises coming from Cloud's room when he thought I was asleep at night. I always just thought Cloud was a loud sleeper. We didn't have the money to pay for treatment and I came to the realization that I was going to die a slow, painful death.
It didn't happen. Miraculously (God knows we needed a miracle), the cancer went into remission and it hasn't come back. I've always been weak since then, but healthy and I've been able to have nearly all life has to offer.
Today, when I walked into my doctor's office for my monthly check-up (just in case) I could sense something was wrong, something was off. I shivered and pulled my jacket tighter around my slight shoulders. "Hello," greeted the receptionist, cheerfully, an annoyingly fake smile on her face. What was with people like that anyway? Those kinds of smiles don't make anyone feel better. They just increase the feelings of impending doom, or whatever cliché you want to use. "You can head back, Roxas. The doctor's waiting for you."
I thanked her, although I felt like hitting her upside the head to knock some sense into that head of hers. The doctor was waiting for me, a genuine smile on his face. "Heya, Doc," I said, hopping up onto the examination table. Let's just say that after eleven years of monthly meetings we were pretty close. "'Sup?" I think maybe I've been hanging around Axel too much. His odd dialect is rubbing off on me. That's what I got for living with the man. Oh, the things I do for love.
"How are you feeling?" he asked in that way that I just know I'm supposed to be feeling something.
"Same as always," I said, swinging my feet from the table, trying my damnedest to keep the atmosphere in the room at least neutral, if not on the positive side.
"Are you sure?" he prodded, glancing at his clipboard.
Silence commenced and that's when I knew. "It's back, isn't it, Doc?"
He took a long moment to stare into my eyes, as if waiting for me to break down and beg him to say it's not true. But it was true. I knew it as well as him. I didn't feel different, I didn't look different, but the cancer was there again, slowly beginning the process of killing me.
Finally, he averted his eyes and nodded. "We need to start treatment right away. You can't avoid it this time. It's worse than it was before, Roxas. If we don't start now, you'll have two years tops left to live. You need to tell your brother. And that boy you've been living with."
"No," I said abruptly.
"What?" he asked, startled, looking like an ugly fish, with his eyes wide and his jaw nearly hanging down to his belly-button.
You may tell me I've lost my mind, but I decided a long time ago that if it ever returned, I wasn't going to take chemotherapy and radiation. I wasn't going to lose my hair and become frail. I wasn't going to spend months and months in the hospital. And no, I wasn't risking my life on the extremely rare chance I'd get another miracle. Things like that only happened once in a lifetime, and even then, only if you were lucky.
No, I was not going to slowly fade out of existence and become a pity story. I wasn't going to have a predictable death. I was going to leave this world with a bang and people were sure as hell going to remember me for it.
I guess, deep down inside, I knew it was going to come back. I've never pictured myself as an old man and now I knew why: I'd never be an old man.
"No," I repeated, more firmly this time. "I'm not going to take treatment and I'm not going to tell anyone. And you aren't either."
"But, Roxas," he blubbered. Apparently he'd never had a patient who'd done this to him before. "You're going to–"
"Die. I know," I finished for him. "Listen, Doc, I'm going to die anyway. Treatment is just going to prolong the inevitable. I tell ya what: if they come up with the cure for cancer in the next year or so I'll happily be cured. And I'm not going to tell my brother, because he already has enough to deal with. And I'm not going to tell Axel…" My voice trailed off and I wiped the tears from my eyes. "I'm not going to look into his eyes every day and have him pity me and feel sorry for me. I'm not going to make him share this with me. It's better this way."
The doctor sighed deeply and scribbled something on a piece of paper, then handed it to me. It was a list of vitamins and supplements. "Fine," he said, surrendering. "I don't think this is right, but I can't stop you. You're nineteen, old enough to decide for yourself to throw your life away." We met eyes for a moment and an understanding passed between us. "You know where to find me if you change your mind."
I managed to contain myself until I got back out to the sidewalk.
And then I ran, with no destination in mind. I just ran. The tears froze on my face in the cold winter air.
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Babblings: I know this chapter was short, but it's just the beginning. Please tell me what you think. You know I love you. Axel will be introduced in the next chapter. And yes, Roxas and Axel are already in a relationship.
