Disclaimer:
I don't own Gundam Wing because if I did, I wouldn't be a
rapidly-going-broke college student!
Rating: R
Warnings: yaoi,
angst, pain, sap, Duo pov
Pairings 1x2, 3x4
Summary: Duo is
faced with demons, whom he can't overcome alone. But Heero has
found the way. Will Duo let him help him?
Title: The
Blanket
Author: Persephone-sings
The Blanket
I can't sleep. It seems I never can, not anymore. Sleep eludes me; teases me; more often torments me as I toss and turn until, finally, I accept defeat and wearily rise from my bed to spend the night at my window, waiting to greet the sun.
It's cold here where I wait and I always bring a blanket with me to my vigil. Once it was purposefully, more because I was cold than because I needed comfort. It eventually grew until I could no longer wait peacefully without it...it was my companion in the dark and it watched over me, kept the demons at bay.
But now? The blanket looks as I feel; old; tattered, shredded at the seams, and patches half-heartedly covering holes. I really should throw the damn thing away but I never can seem to make it to the trash can. It seems rather hypocritical. After all, the blanket and I are one and the same; the only difference is that my shreds and tears are on the inside, locked away from prying eyes whereas the blanket is bared to the world.
You see, the blanket and I have been to hell and back again. I've had it for what seems like forever. A child's forever. It was a gift from a dear friend; the first thing that belonged to me, that couldn't be stolen and I've never let it go. During my training it was there, waiting for me at night when I crawled into bed, aching to the bone, feeling decades older than my twelve years...twelve long years. It curled against me in my Gundam at night, when the dreams crowded and the corpses screamed their agony; their hatred towards me and my machine...it held me when others ran from me; from the God of Death. Cowering beneath it like the small child I was, it forced my demons into the shadows away from the light of the glowing screens so that what little sleep my weary body got was free of memories if not restful.
But now, the demons creep through the holes and I find my blanket's power has dwindled. The nightmares claw at me night after night; drive me from my bed and the horrors of my dreams. I still wrap it around me in the hope that while I sit, awake by my window, they won't find me. But I can feel them creeping closer, closing in on me.
And I am defenseless.
I rest my head against the window pane, press my palm against it's icy surface and shudder as they creep towards me.
"You can't have me." I whisper fiercely to the darkness. They mock me in return.
"You are powerless...weak! You are alone, always alone, because no one wants you. No one cares about you. Worthless!" They hiss back at me.
I shake my head vehemently, "no...No....NO!" I curl tightly into myself, covering my ears with my hands and cannot hold back a whimper as they come closer...
A hand descends on my shoulder and I jerk upwards, fall off the small windowsill to land on the floor with a thump. I'm up immediately, my hands thrown up in fists, my body crouched and ready to pounce. My heart races and fear claws at my throat.
"Duo?" Heero looks at me, eyes wide, fallen back into a defensive stance. I can see the confusion in his face and I shake my head sharply to clear my thoughts and quickly straighten, falling into the security of the image I've made for myself; the clown, the carefree jester whom everyone likes. But I'm so shaken that the facade wavers and my voice shakes.
"Ch, Heero! Geez, you shouldn't sneak up on a man, ya know? It's dangerous on this side of town." I chuckle, and it's forced, and he can see it. I've never met a man like Heero. The only one who can see right through me...past my defenses and into the cowering child hidden beneath. Scares the hell out of me.
His eyes narrow as he eases out of his crouch, "Hn. Shouldn't you be in bed?" I scratch my head sheepishly and play innocent.
"I...ah...thought it was my turn for watch..." Nice one, Maxwell, I sighed inwardly.
"You're on the wrong side of the building, baka. Besides, it's my turn and Wu Fei just took over. We just discussed this last night. Weren't you listening?" Shit. When Heero speaks (which isn't often) I just wish he'd shut up.
"Yeah, well, who made you God?" I mentally kick myself. Just get out of the room, Maxwell, don't keep him here, watching you like that. But the comment slid past my lips before I knew what I was saying. He's just the kinda guy that makes you act and then think. He's so damn perfect that he gets me nervous, angry at myself and him because I can't be what he is.
He raises an eyebrow and I just swear under my breath and turn around on my heel and stomp away. I can't deal with him at night. I have too many things on my mind without watching myself around him. He picks at something inside me...makes me want to throw my arms around him; bawl out my sorrows like the child I stopped being so long ago.
And sometimes, in my dreams, where my will is weakest and susceptible to worthless things like hope, I pretend. So, when I fall to pieces he's there to pick me back up; to hold me and love me. When the demons claw at me, he's there to fight them back and to destroy them the way I cannot. But dreams are meant to be only dreams because they don't come true.
Cinderella was a fluke; a fairytale. Notice how you never know what happens to Cinderella and her prince after they get married? That's because they got to know each other, shared stuff that you don't share with just anyone. Ten bucks says they divorced within four months and Cinderella went back to cleaning and the prince married four other women before finally getting one pregnant and, in the end, had affairs every other week. Happily Ever After is for people hyped on drugs, only because they're in LaLa Land twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Too bad you can't operate heavy machinery when drugged, but I wouldn't give up Deathscythe for a couple of shots or sniffs of something.
I head back to my room and slamm the door. I look around, wanting something to throw, when I remember Trowa and Quatre are asleep in the room next to me. I settle for chucking my pillow across the room.
"He probably thinks he is God, the bastard! Damn perfect soldier." I grumble under my breath as I pick up my discarded pillow. What was I thinking? I silently berate myself. Wishing for Heero to fall in love with me is ridiculous, a waste of time! Of course he can't be gay...he's perfect, I remind myself. And being gay is just one other fault I can add to my list.
"I'm not, you know." I jump a foot off the ground and whirl around to see Heero leaning against my door frame, his arms crossed defensively across his chest.
I place a hand against my heart to keep it in my chest and try to bring my breathing back to normal. "I swear to God, Heero, if you don't stop sneaking up on me..." I angrily let the threat hang in the air because I don't think that I could hurt him even if I want to. He's the closest thing to a friend that I have besides Tro and Quat who are, needless to say, a little distracted with their newfound love.
He just stands there, waiting for me to continue the conversation where he left off from.
I sigh in defeat, realizing he won't leave until I humor his newfound liking of talking, "Not what?"
He looks at me, his eyes filled with...sadness? "Perfect." I must have stared at him blankly because he elaborates. "I heard you talking to yourself and I just wanted you to know that I'm not perfect and I make mistakes and I feel things I shouldn't." he paused for a deep, sighing breath.
"And I get scared sometimes...just like you. We all have demons, Duo. Wu Fei, Quatre, Trowa, they fight them, just as you and I do. We help each other oppose them and we continually beat them back because we have each other. So, if you ever need to talk about yours or just need someone standing guard beside you..." he lets it hang in the air and turns and walks away.
He's gone from the hall by the time my mouth catches up with by brain and I am left alone.
