A/N: It's been a month since I put this up on AO3 but since I'm new to the site and I'm still not sure what to expect of it, I figured I'd post here too to compare. (I hope that's alright? Am I violating some kind of rule here?) In any case, please enjoy!
"Your angel cannot protect you against that which neither god nor the devil had made."
― Cassandra Clare
Chapter One
"Lullabies"
There's a quote about a daughter asking her mom why the best people die so soon. The mom replies with another question, asking her which flowers she'd pick first in a garden. The most beautiful ones, the daughter says. I like to think this is why Kate Marsh just passed away. She leapt off the roof and landed on the ground like a feather from the wings of an angel, left behind as she took flight. I like to think that Kate is the angel, that she is now in the heaven she believes in, and what I saw drop before my eyes was nothing but a black feather caught in her untainted wings.
Kate Marsh was an angel even before her passing. She used to walk down the halls of Blackwell emulating genuine kindness, always sending a bright smile my way when she passed by. And then one day the smiles stopped reaching her eyes. Stopped showing her pearly whites. One day they just, stopped. Nathan Prescott, Victoria Chase, and their Vortex Club posse are all to blame. Maybe now they understand they were walking the path of monsters with how they treated Kate.
The world around me is silent as I walk back to my dorm. Warren told me goodbye when the sun set, said he needed to go run an errand in town. After that, Blackwell pretty much went into a state of quiet stillness. I'm the last one out in the courtyard and even the crickets aren't around. Or maybe that's just me drowning out everything after what happened. Right now, all I can think of is how much I want to curl up into a ball on my bed and cry. For Kate. For failing her. For not being able to use my powers for her like I did for Chloe.
A chill creeps up my spine as I stand in front of the dorms. It feels ominous being here again, like I'm afraid something is going to happen. When I look around, it all comes back to me in flashes: the crowd frozen in time, my powers not working, trying to reason with Kate, and Kate jumping off the—
My heart stops. There's a shadow on the rooftop.
I could just be imagining it. Surely after what happened, they'd have locked the door by now, right? It could just be a crow—a really big crow. It's dark and the stars light the rooftop so faintly. Besides, would someone really be there on the same day that Kate jumped? Regardless of that, I find my feet leading me to the rooftop anyway, going full speed before I even realize it. I push open the rooftop door and frantically reach for my phone to use it as a flashlight. I point my phone in front of me and I see him.
Nathan Prescott.
He's standing on the ledge with his back to me but his physique is unmistakable. I get ready to use my power as soon as he jumps, but he doesn't. Not lowering my hand, I approach him cautiously. As I get nearer, I hear him whispering.
"That's not true," he says.
I take a step.
"You're wrong," he says.
Another step.
"Get away from me!" He whispers harshly now, and maybe he intends to yell but it gets caught in a sob.
Panic stirs in me when I think he's referring to me but he gets off the ledge—more like falls backwards, really—and sits on the floor, clutching his head like he doesn't even realize I'm here. Maybe he doesn't.
"I'm sorry, Kate. Please. Please, just leave me alone."
Kate?
"I—I don't want to jump. Please stop. Please."
There's a knot in the pit of my stomach while I watch Nathan break down. I should just walk away. I should get the hell out of here. He's far too deep in his head to know I'm here anyway, but I can't. I can't look away from his shoulders rising and falling, from his hands wiping his tears, from his body violently shaking. How could I? Nathan might be an ass and he did do some fucked up shit but he is just a kid too. I always knew that he's dealing with issues of his own and even if that doesn't excuse the shit he's done, it's hard to blame him when he's falling apart right in front of me. And if I leave and he jumps, what would that do to me? I don't know if I can live with another life on my conscience. Not even if it's Nathan Prescott.
But what can I even do? My powers are useless here. I suppose I could rewind to just before Nathan enters the rooftop and lock the door but me of all people should know that there's no place to hide from your demons. Even if Nathan couldn't come here, he'd just be breaking down elsewhere. That wouldn't help at all. But if my powers can't do anything, what would that leave me with? Without them, I'm just me. And I couldn't help Chloe with just me. Neither did I help Kate. How could I help Nathan, who might I add, hates my guts?
I close my eyes and think. I started having anxiety attacks when I was 8. They were so bad that even when it was over, I couldn't sleep. My dad would check on me and find me staring at the ceiling trying to count sheep. He'd call me silly and say it never works. I'd scoot to the side and he'd sit next to me. I'd rest my head on his chest and hug him tight. He always knew exactly what to do.
I open my eyes. I take slow tentative steps toward the boy in front of me, the light from my phone guiding me, and take a seat a comfortable distance from his side. I set my phone down between us to allow a little light. I lean my back against the wall, take a deep breath, close my eyes, and it's me and my dad in my bedroom all over again.
Goodnight my angel, time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
Then you should always know
Wherever you may go, no matter where you are
I never will be far away
It crosses my mind to bolt out the door and stop making a fool out of myself, but I will myself to keep going.
Goodnight my angel, now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark and deep, inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me
I realize Nathan's sobs are slowly growing quiet. I go on.
Goodnight my angel, now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry, and if you sing this lullaby
Then in your heart there will always be a part of me
Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabies go on and on
They never die
That's how you and I will be
I keep my eyes closed for a few seconds longer and I become aware of the newfound silence around me. I'm not a singer, and the only time I've ever willingly sang was to join my dad in this song. I probably screwed up a few notes here and there but Nathan is calm now, so that doesn't matter.
I finally open my eyes. I turn to look at Nathan and his face is between his knees. I can hear his breathing and I know he's much calmer now. I hear my own and I'm calmer too. The song never fails.
It's only now that I notice he's not wearing his usual red jacket. It's just the dark blue cardigan he wears underneath it. I think about calling his name to get his attention, but I'm suddenly made aware of the fact that I sang a song to Nathan Prescott. He'll laugh at my face and call me a nosy bitch. He'll get rid of me for being a witness to his moment of weakness when he's trying to uphold the reputation of a big bad wolf. He'll—
—jerk his head up like I just startled him, stare at me with bloodshot eyes, and bolt out of the door without saying anything. Of all the scenarios I managed to overthink in that short amount of time, that one would be last in my list. It wouldn't have made my list at all. But that's exactly what happened.
I stare back at the door dumbfounded.
I began this shitty day absolutely sure that Nathan Prescott is undoubtedly an enemy to Kate. But now, while I sit on this dreadful rooftop that I'm fairly certain must hold some kind of evil curse, I'm thinking maybe Nathan and Kate fought a common enemy far greater than any one of us. And Nathan is still fighting.
