The Awful Truth About the Cullens
Chapter 1: Edward is Fed Doggy Laxatives
A/N: Rated M for pedophilia, drug abuse, profanity, toilet humor, explicit content, and general bad taste.
If you read this story, you will be subjected unmercifully to the cruel torture of my sick, insidious mind. You have been warned.
I was sitting in the kitchen, reading a book, when all of a sudden, Mr. Sparklepants walked in.
"What is it this time, you dweeb?" I asked him.
I'm not quite sure what he said, but it sounded like, "". After that, foam came out of his mouth, his eyes rolled to the back of his head, and he fell to the floor, twitching. Naturally, I stared at him like the dumbass he was.
"Edward, didn't I tell you not to go on my lesbian porn sites?" I asked him.
"Nooooo, Alice, I have diarrhea!" Edward shouted.
"That's it!" I shouted. I was enraged. Steam came out of my ears. My eyebrows burned off due to my heated anger. The sprinkler system went on. "JACOB!"
Jacob was busy humping the shit out of Renesmee. I grabbed the little twit by the ankles and threw her against the wall.
"I was enjoying that, you leech!" shouted Jakey-Wakey.
I hissed, and my venom burned holes in his converse. He began to shake like Scooby-Doo.
"Ruh-roh!" he said, and then I ate him.
"Edward, what the hell happened?!" I asked him.
"Weeeell…" he said.
When Jacob asked me- well, pried open my mouth and shoved the pills down my throat and fled, I knew I was in for some kind of trouble. And he fed me laxatives! DOGGY LAXATIVES! (pantpantpantpant)
I stank up the bathroom for an hour and a half. It felt like my entire digestive system was going down the toilet. Jacob was laughing the whole time.
"WE'LL SEE WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, LOSER BOY!" I shouted when I finished. "I'm telling Alice!"
"Hah, like you will. You never tell," said Jacob, still laughing because my anus had split.
"PANDA POTATO BUFFALO WINGS JESSICA SIMPSON EGGPLANT PARMESAN WITH CHICKEN!" I shouted.
"…What?" asked Jacob.
"Well, you see, Stephenie Meyer has this built-in rule with me that I can't swear, so… yeah," I said.
Jacob rolled his eyes. "You're a loser bastard asshole. Now repeat that." He grinned wryly. "I could always use a good laugh."
"Um… uh…" I began sweating. This was impossible because Meyerpires can't sweat. "You're a… a… a…" and then I ran from the room crying. He was still laughing because I had revealed my Day-Glo Captain Underpants lederhosen when I split my anus.
"Well, I ate him," I said, "So you don't have anything to worry about now."
"Thank God," said Wardo. "Hey, you called me 'Wardo!'" said Eddipuss. "Stop that!" said Ed-o-le-hee-hoo. And then Eddikinz killed himself by tearing himself apart. Da end. Lawl.
A/N: Well, don't say I didn't warn you. (laughs evilly)
