Warning: This story contains depression, insomnia, extreme envy, hints of narcissistic parenting and favoritism towards one child over the other during childhood, and the desire to have an eating disorder.
A/N: So, this little idea popped up in my head, and I decided to make a short chapter story of it. I think that it's going to end up being around four to five chapters long, so enjoy!
It was the middle of March, and spring break at the college Alfred attended had just begun. Though for him, this was nothing to be too excited about. He still had to go to work for a couple of the days he had off of school, and there was still plenty of studying for him to do. Along with some homework. Not only that, but he was so exhausted to the point where he didn't feel as if he could put much effort into anything he did anymore. He'd been in college for almost four years now, and those years had been rough on him.
He'd been stuck living in a small apartment with a roommate (who wasn't too terrible to be around, but sometimes he wanted some alone time and some more space) that only had one bedroom (but at least it had two beds) for almost four years straight. He hadn't been sure whether or not his parents would even let him stay in their house, and he'd loathed the idea of staying with them longer than he needed to anyways. Besides, the college he attended was far away from home (it was the best college he was accepted into, so he was okay with traveling and living far from his family in order to receive his education there), so it wasn't as if it would make sense for him to stay with his parents. Alfred had to work a part-time job in order to help his roommate pay for the rent and the food. As if spending most of his free time studying and doing homework wasn't stressful enough, the job he had, though only being part-time, was what really made sure that his life was all the more difficult. He was lucky to even have the job in the first place, but keeping it had been quite the challenge for the poor college student. His employer expected all of his employees to work as hard as they possibly could, and he was reluctant to accept sick days. He was also hardly understanding towards various health problems and what not, and lacked the patience to put up with someone who slacked off even for only five seconds.
Speaking of employers, Alfred hated the fact that Ivan, his roommate, didn't loathe his job nearly as much as he did. He was payed more, and didn't have to deal with some narcissist giving him a hard time while he was at work. He'd even been promoted once. Alfred, on the other hand, had to constantly worry about how much longer he was going to have his job, as he had been told quite a few times to 'get to work' or that 'he better shape up and stop being lazy'. It was just becoming so hard for him to concentrate on most things in his life, though. Especially since lately, his mind was becoming clouded with envy towards his brother and hatred towards himself; and he was too burnt out to want to focus on much else. All he wanted was to be able to rest once in a while and clear his mind, and just for life to be somewhat easier.
Alfred found it to be extremely unfair that his brother didn't even have to try as hard as he did, and yet his life was turning out to be way better than his. He had brains, a decent personality (though many didn't really notice him, because he was so quiet most of the time), good looks, and he always had no problem keeping his appearance well-kept. Alfred, on the other hand, had trouble keeping his hair from being so messy. It was a trait that he, unfortunately, had inherited from his dad. To make matters worse, there was a large cowlick that never wanted to lie flat on his head, no matter how hard he tried to make it behave. He'd even tried cutting it off once, which had left him with a tuft of hair near his forehead that looked even worse than the cowlick. The tuft was also very prominent, and he ended up being teased for it, and scolded by his mother for trying to cut his own hair.
Aside from his hair being unruly (in his mind, anyways), he couldn't help but hate the color of it as well. To him, it was possibly the most ugly shade of blonde he'd ever laid his eyes on. It lacked anything interesting, such as a reddish hue, and sometimes, he could've sworn that he saw a brownish-greenish tint to it (though this was only in his mind). The color of his hair reminded him of vomit. Not of gold or the sun, as other blondes probably would've had their hair compared to.
Then there were his eyes. Alfred couldn't help but despise his blue orbs. To him, they were probably the most dull color in the world; just being a solid blue, instead of having hints of grey or green, as other blue eyes might have had. Instead of reminding him of something pleasant, such as the sky, or the ocean, they reminded him of the depressing hue of blue that he would sometimes see outside of the window during a cloudy day when it was almost nighttime.
The last major flaw he noticed with his appearance was his weight. His parents had always commented on how he looked so 'chunky' throughout his childhood, and had even admitted to being embarrassed about having an overweight kid. There had been times when his parents had limited the food he was allowed to eat, since they believed that he lacked the self-control to make himself lose some weight. This had often led to Alfred finding ways to hide food from his parents and binge on it, as being forced to eat nothing but healthy food, and never being allowed to touch something as sweet as chocolate for weeks on end would sometimes give him cravings for sweets. Besides, binging in secret gave him thrill, as he enjoyed the idea of rebelling against his parents who he loathed so much. However, sometimes he couldn't help but be angry with himself for doing that. All throughout high school, his classmates had seen him as fat, and now, he couldn't help but view himself as such along with him (though in all reality, he'd never been fat; it was just that the amount of food he ate, and how much he weighed on the scale that made people believe that he needed to start dieting). He hated himself for not having the discipline to lose weight, and sometimes, he secretly wished that he could have anorexia or bulimia. Alfred knew that this was crazy, and that people with these eating disorders would probably hate him or find him really stupid for wanting such a disease, but he didn't care if it would take suffering to achieve his goal. All he wanted was some discipline, and to be thin, but he knew that he was never going to have this. The hunger cramps that came from drastically limiting his food intake, and the fact that he didn't have the guts to make himself throw up prevented these disorders from becoming a part of his life.
It really didn't help that Alfred's personality was no better, in his opinion, than his body. He'd always been viewed as annoying and extremely ditsy by everyone, accept for Matthew and Ivan. He didn't think it was cute at all that he sometimes didn't know something that was supposed to be common knowledge, or sometimes struggled to understand simple concepts. Instead, he found it both moronic and pathetic.
What made his supposed ugliness, lack of talent, stupidity, and annoying personality even worse was the fact that he had a huge crush on his roommate. Sure, Ivan was friendly to him and what not, and was one of the few people who ever seemed to be interested in what he had to say, but he still thought that the handsome Russian was way out of his league. He was probably the most good-looking person he'd ever laid his eyes on; what not with his light ashen blonde hair that reminded him of the snow, his perfect, healthy build, and violet eyes that could be compared to amethysts. Not only that, but he was almost as smart as Matthew, and had a weird, yet charming personality. All while Alfred had nothing to offer; accept for his tendency to be an unlovable nuisance.
It'd been two days since he had any sleep, and no matter how tired he was, he still had a lot of trouble trying to fall asleep every night during the past couple of months, since he'd been crying over everything that had been eating at him (though, he tried to make sure that his roommate never noticed him do this). Not only that, but the exhaustion and the lack of free time he had only made him want to stay up way past the time he should've been staying up, even though he knew that he shouldn't be doing this because it would end up him tired all day. He did this just so that he would be able to have the leisure time that work and school would steal from him. Sure, maybe others wouldn't have found college, studying, and working at a part time job as agonizingly stress inducing as he did. Ivan definitely seemed to have no problem handling this (though he was sure that his roommate sometimes would become stressed out, as he didn't know another human being that could stand so much work, let alone go an entire year of college without feeling stressed). For him, though, things were different. It was difficult for Alfred to absorb much of what he learned in class. It was challenging for him to make sure he wrote down every minutiae that was mentioned in the lectures and presentations he sat through into his notes. He knew that he was probably going to forget most of what his professors said anyways, which was why he would almost write down every word that was spoken in every presentation and lecture he attended. He would try his best to remember the information by studying it for hours on end every day, but sometimes, it seemed to disappear from his mind overnight, and he would have to start all over with memorizing it. Perhaps striving for straight As in college was too much for him to manage, as it wasn't even happening for him anyways, but he knew that if he didn't give it his all that he would end up with horrible grades.
Little did he know, as he prepared himself for work with drowsiness obvious in his sluggish movements, his roommate had grown to be quite worried about him as of late. In fact, Ivan was tempted to try and talk Alfred out of going to work that day, as he only looked tidy enough to be considered presentable, and not in the way that made him appear one-hundred percent professional, but rather decent looking enough to avoid judgement from others. His hair, though being more messy than it usually was, did not appear to be greasy or decorated with build up, but rather, it only looked as if the wind had abused it a bit, and that he could easily flatten against his head with his hands to make it look more decent. He had dark circles under his eyes, which Ivan knew were not just something that he had trouble dealing with, but instead were an obvious sign of a recent possibility of stress, a lack of sleep, or sickness. His skin, which usually had a light tan, was now paler than his roommate's, who naturally was supposed to be the paler of the two. It would've been easy for someone who didn't know Alfred too well to overlook these signs, and just pass him off as someone who was naturally really pale with dark circles who also seemed to be in a rush. It would've been stupid for anyone who lived with him to not notice, though. Ivan could tell from living with him for four years how much more sickly he appeared to be, and that there was something terribly wrong with him. The problem was, he didn't know how to help his roommate out, as every time he made an attempt to do so, it'd been shot down.
Alfred had returned to the apartment, after working for six hours and walking for thirty minutes to and from work. He didn't have a car, so he had to walk everywhere he went. Sure, one could have suggested to him that he could use public transportation, but he tried to spend as little money as possible since he hardly earned any in the first place. Besides, there were a few stores nearby, so he didn't really see any need for it.
Walking had become quite a chore for him, as despite all of the coffee he had drank that morning (which was a couple of cups more than he would usually drink), he was starting to sway due to how exhausted he was, and how wavy this lack of sleep had made his world look to him. He'd managed to remove his jacket and his shoes and set them in their correct location, so that they at least wouldn't be a nuisance to him, but when he entered the bedroom, his legs gave out, and he had to grab onto the doorway just to ease his fall. Ivan immediately noticed his roommate's struggle to try and stand up once more, and decided to strode over to him so that he could help him out. Worry for the American's sudden lack of energy rushed throughout his stomach, as he scooped Alfred into his arms, and carried him to his bed, he asked, "What's wrong? You're not in any pain, are you?"
Alfred didn't even bother protesting or mentally questioning the fact that Ivan had lifted him up in his arms as soon as he reached him instead of trying to help him stand up and walk first. Despite the fact that he had been feeling extremely miserable for a couple of months now, there was still a warmth that formed in his stomach as his crush had gently lifted him up and carried him bridal style. In his tired state, he was almost convinced that this was dream that was too good to be true, and he didn't ever want it to end, or to be set down. Besides, he wasn't even sure if he would want to walk even if someone were to support him at that moment. All he wanted to do was lay down and sleep for at least a year, but he knew that he wasn't going to enjoy such as luxury anytime soon, as the excitement in his stomach from the caffeine was still bothering him.
Even if being held as he currently was happened to be so comforting that he didn't want to do so much as talk, he still replied to Ivan's inquiry, "No, I'm not in any pain. Just a little tired."
Ivan set Alfred down on his bed and gently tucked him as he told him, "Are you sure there isn't anything else going on? It's not normal for people to just collapse like that if they're only a little tired."
"I'm fine, really."
Even though Ivan felt as if bringing Alfred to the hospital was better than having him lay in bed after collapsing, he figured that arguing with his stubborn roommate was going to do nothing to help him, and that maybe, there was a chance that he was becoming too worried over something that probably wasn't too terrible. He was still skeptical though, and had mentally promised himself that if anything else happened, he was definitely going to make Alfred see a doctor. Despite all of this, though, he still tried to keep the skepticism out of his voice, "Alright. Just try to get some sleep, then."
Feeling a bit frustrated now with the fact that his roommate had assumed that sleep would be easy for him to achieve at that moment, Alfred retorted, "I can't."
"Why not?"
"I drank too much coffee this morning."
Ivan tried to refrain from giving Alfred a look of disapproval, believing that he could take a guess as to what his roommate had done to himself to make him feel tired, yet unable to sleep at the same time. Despite his attempt to refrain from doing so, though, suspicion was beginning to leak into his tone as he asked, "If you drank a lot of coffee this morning, then how come you're so tired? You did get some sleep last night, da?"
"No, I haven't slept for two days now..."
"Fredka," Ivan began to scold in a soft voice, "You can't just force yourself to stay up like that. This is terrible for your body!"
"I can't fall asleep no matter how hard I try!"
Tears of frustration were now threatening to spill from Alfred's eyes. He'd tried so hard to hold them back, but despite his effort, his exhaustion simply wouldn't allow him to do so. Ivan felt guilty for assuming that Alfred had only been neglecting his health, rather than trying to take care of himself, and pulled him into a hug as he said, "I'm sorry for being so inconsiderate. I guess that I didn't realize that you might have been struggling to try and fall asleep, and just assumed that you were only staying up so that you could play on your computer. Is there anything I can do to help you fall asleep? Or maybe something I should stop doing that's been bothering you at night and disturbing your sleep?"
Alfred tried to speak through the tightness in his throat without having his voice quiver (he figured that his intense exhaustion and horrible mental state were the reasons why he was suddenly so emotional), "I don't know."
Ivan noticed that quiver in his voice and replied, "Nyet, please don't cry! We can try to figure out a solution to this. Just please try not to let this make you so upset. I understand that you feel horrible right now, but stressing yourself out is only going to make it worse."
Ivan's heart began to ache for his poor roommate. He'd never seen the normally happy American look so miserable before. Besides, he always planned on keeping this a secret from the world, but he was sort of romantically fond of Alfred. He didn't believe he had any hope with this crush though, so he always tried his best to ignore it. That still didn't mean that he would neglect his crush if he had a problem, or wanted some company. If he wanted some affection and support, Ivan would always be more than happy to give him just that.
Tears began to streak down Alfred's cheeks as he blurted, "It's not just that!"
"Can you please tell me what else his bothering you, then?" Ivan asked, trying his best to remain calm so that he didn't end up making Alfred feel worse (seeing tears slide down his crush's cheeks was torture to him; it made his heart feel empty, as if he'd somehow failed him), "I might be able to help you, and you might feel better if you tell me what's going on. Besides, you don't need to feel ashamed of whatever is bothering you. I won't judge you for it."
That was it. Ivan had just said that magical words to break Alfred's barrier, "I'm just so sick of being worthless!"
"You're not worthless, Fredka," Ivan said in a soft voice as he held Alfred tighter, "What makes you think that you're worthless?"
"I've always had so much trouble keeping up with everyone else in school, and my parents have always been mad at me for being so stupid! I can hardly keep a job too, and I'm probably not even very employable! I have so many problems and I eat way too much! Even though I didn't do anything to deserve to eat the amount of food that I eat! I'm also out of shape, and was never allowed on any sports teams in school because I either couldn't do what the coach wanted me to do well enough, didn't always get my homework done, or wasn't good enough physically to make the cut. I don't have any talent, or anything that I'm at least slightly better than average at. I'm also ugly, so that makes all of this so much worse!"
"None of that's true, though. You're not stupid or lazy. You have a great work ethic! I'd say that it's even harmful to you, you're that hard working. You're definitely not fat either. You look like you're at a healthy weight to me. Besides, you'd probably be able to outrun me any day. Also, whoever gave you the idea that you're ugly is either really stupid, or blind. I don't mean to seem creepy or anything, but most people can't compete with how attractive you are. I think that most people are just jealous. There's nothing about your appearance that I could possibly find revolting."
"Then how come my parents and other people who don't have to worry about competing with me think so differently from you?" Alfred glared at Ivan, as if he thought he was trying to falsely bring his hopes up by lying to him, "I can hardly remember my parents ever saying anything aside from, 'Why can't you get good grades like Matthew? He has no problem getting straight As', 'Why can't you ever stay out of trouble? Matthew has no problem behaving.', 'Why can't you take better care of yourself like your brother does? His hair is never messy and he would never let himself get FAT!'"
Ivan flinched when Alfred suddenly raised his voice, but didn't try to stop him from continuing his rant, "My brother's always been so perfect from the moment he was born. Yes, he had to deal with being shy, and being ignored by most people because of that, but other than that, he's never had any REAL problems! My parents always loved him a lot more than they loved me. All because he was smart and he didn't even have to try! He had no trouble getting a GPA of four while I had to put all of my effort into getting a three point four, and my parents were still not satisfied with that! Then during the SAT, I thought that I was finally going to score higher than Matthew at something, since I've been practicing for the English part of it for a whole year, and I ended up getting into the sixty-fifth percentile. I was so happy about receiving this score at first, since it was above average, but when I saw what Matthew got, my score suddenly felt like a joke to me. He ended up getting ninety-first percentile on the reading part of the test! And for math he was in the ninety-ninth percentile! He didn't even try as hard as I did to receive that high score on the test, and he still did way better than me! And of course, my parents celebrated his success on that test, but didn't give a crap about what I got. In fact, they scolded me for only getting into the fifty-first percentile in math, and they even started to wonder where my stupidity came from, since no one else in the family is as stupid as I am!
"And things didn't get any better since childhood. Matthew is now going for a PhD in medicine, and will have no problem paying for his debt from college, since he earned a lot of scholarships. Every college wanted him. Meanwhile, I tried to earn some scholarships myself, but I didn't end up getting any, so now I'm going to be in a lot of debt once I'm out of college, and probably won't be able to get a job that will be able to pay it off. I don't even like what I'm majoring in! Matthew also doesn't have to worry about dealing with a hopeless crush, because every time he's gained the bravery to ask someone out, they immediately said yes! Whenever I've asked someone I loved out, I was laughed at and teased for it. I just have a feeling that I'm going to end up on the streets one day, and that no one will care! I don't even think that anyone will care if I suddenly dropped dead!
"Everything's just becoming too much for me! Everyone else seems to have no problem getting on their feet as soon as they turn eighteen, yet here I am, getting stressed over every little thing that happens to me, and wondering why I even bother anymore. I'm just so poor and hopeless. I'm also getting really sick of eating crappy food and being stuck in this small apartment; unless I'm at the store, college, or work. All I want is for things to be at least a little bit easier for me. I just want to be happy and feel loved..."
Ivan remained silent as Alfred began to sob into his shoulder. He could hardly even come up with anything to say. The pain in his roommate's voice, and constant rejection and envy he had to suffer through made him feel even more empty than he was when his crush was only just silently crying. He had no idea that he was going through such emotional agony, as he'd always done a great job at hiding it. After silently holding Alfred for what seemed to be fifteen minutes, he finally had the bravery to say, "You don't have to become homeless. You're always more than welcome to continue to live with me, if things become too hard for you."
Alfred pulled his face away from Ivan's shoulder so that he could ask, "Really? You're going to let me live with you? Even if I end up not having a job and can't help you pay for anything?"
"Of course you can, Fredka. I would have no problem with letting you stay with me, even if you were jobless. I know that this is really hard for you to believe, but I love having you around. You're the first person who was ever willing to have a fun conversation with me like a normal person. Most people are either too intimidated to talk to me, or just find me weird and don't want to associate with me. Besides, I would hate to see you end up cold and miserable on the streets. I'd rather you were happy and had a home. You deserve to be happy." Ivan started to gently wipe tears away from Alfred's cheeks as he continued, "Besides, maybe one day I will get a high paying job, and we can move out of this apartment and get a nice house. If you wanted to, you could even start going to therapy. I'm also going to be willing to help you out with your struggles, even if you don't want to see a therapist, of course. I just think that it would be good for you to talk to a professional. They know more about how to make people feel better than I do.
"But on a lighter note, we could even start going out to eat some better food. If I ever start earning more money, you won't ever have to touch a bowl of ramen noodles again. Unless it's from an expensive Japanese restaurant."
"Ivan, you can't be serious," Alfred gave Ivan a look of disbelief, "There's no one I can think of who would be willing to do this for their roommate. Do you really care about me that much, or are you yanking my chain?"
"Nyet, I'm being serious. I wouldn't make this offer to you if I didn't actually mean it. That would just be cruel."
Well, what harm can come out of believing him, except for embarrassing myself a little if it turns out that he's lying? It's not like I have anything to lose anyways. Alfred thought, as he began to hug Ivan tighter than he already was and mumbled into his shoulder, "Thank you."
Ivan felt the air being squeezed out of his lungs, but ignored this discomfort as he replied, "It's no problem."
They stayed that way for a long time, as Ivan continued to comfort his touch-starved roommate. Eventually, though, Alfred was finally able to fall asleep in the warmth of his crush's arms.
A/N: Yes, I realize that I'd already published this story before, but I ended up deleting the older version of it because I was not happy with it and wanted to start over. The summary needed some work, and the pacing was awkward. Things were also left unexplained. Hopefully, the story is now better than it was before.
