Title: Ignorance is Bliss
Author: Sarmi
Category: Post-BTVS and post AtS Damage.
Rating: G
Category: post Damage
Disclaimer: It don't own anything, spike just whispers in my ear occasionally. Joss is boss.
Authors note: This is he first of 3 related ficlets. They work as both stand alone stories and chapters in a greater arch.
Summary: Spike reflects on what Andrew's visit might mean for him and Buffy.
It's one thing to have Angel save you, but the boy. As much as it pains me to admit it, though, he was a sight for sore eyes.
A reminder of why I even bothered. Because we all know that no matter how much I posture, I'm no hero. Champion is just a word. I fight because I don't know what else to do or how else to be.
I used to fight for her. Her love, her survival. Sometimes I actually won. But I don't even have her to fight for anymore, because I'm dead. Now I just fight. I fight for the good guys because I don't know who else fight for.
The boy brought with him news of what followed my blaze of glory. Of those fallen and those that found new life.
I knew Dawn had survived. Angel told me as much. That gave me a small sense of peace during those first months of ghostly uselessness, knowing my Bit was still breathing.
Angel had said that all the Scoobies had pulled through, but he had been wrong. One forgotten Scoobie, one that he had never bothered to know, never left Sunnydale. The grief hit me suddenly and I could see from the boy's face that it was something that never left him.
He asked me if I wanted him to tell her. Tell her what, that I was more than just a pile of ashes at the bottom of a forgotten crater? For a fraction of a second I almost told him yes. It would be so easy to have him tell her. Have him break her heart with news that I have been hiding. Because we all know that what it is. Let him be the fuel for her anger. Because that is what she is going to be, royally pissed.
I like to delude myself that when she finds out that I am back she's going to be so happy she'll jump the next plane back to my arms and we'll live happily ever after. But that crypt with a view is a long lost dream. The best I can hope for is a quick embrace followed by a sharp punch in the nose from one brassed off slayer for not telling her I was back the moment it happened.
I told him no.
I'd like to think it was because I know that I have to be the one to do it. That it's the right and noble thing to do. I can't pawn my responsibility off on someone else.
But that's not the real reason.
I said no because I am petrified that once she knows I'm alive I won't matter. I'm terrified that I won't even merit a punch in the nose. And I don't think I can survive that.
Once I thought living without her in the world was the hardest thing I would ever have to do. I thought hell was 147 days. I was wrong. Living without her was hard but I had a purpose, and I knew I was honoring her by fighting the fight.
And being away from her now is still agony. But I know she is alive, I pray she's happy and I hope that every now and then she thinks of me with a smile on her face. Even though I know she didn't love me when she said it, I can hope that one day she might have.
So for now I'll heal my hands and hope that Andrew doesn't let it slip that my blaze of glory was actually just a quick brush fire. Because if he does I don't think even Fred has enough stitches to be able to sew this dead heart back together.
