THE STRENGTH INSIDE ME

CHAPTER ONE
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9:20 Dragon – 14 Bloomingtide

It was all I could do not to groan in pain. My whole body felt like it was stomped on by an elephant, then run over by a truck and stomped again. I couldn't remember what I did to make it hurt so much, for as far as I knew I didn't do anything strenuous before going to bed but curl up under my blankets to sleep and dream about the green-eyed elf I kinda-sorta had a crush on.

Please ignore the fact that he's a character from a video game.

The first thing I noticed when I woke up was the sound of wood creaking, like something was about to collapse at any moment.

The second thing I noticed was the smell of ash and fire. I got really scared then – I didn't like fires for one, and second – if there was a fire, were my parents all right? Did they manage to call for help? But I heard no noise around me except for the aforementioned wood creaking.

The third thing that made me confused was a tingly feeling that coursed through my body. And a weight that crushed my chest making it hard to breathe. It wasn't wood, because in some places I could feel it cutting into my flesh.

I was cold and didn't know why until a cold wind furled over me and whatever it was that was lying on top of me. It made me shiver and realize that I was naked. My eyes opened pretty fast after that.

All I could see above me were fiery sparks and smoke and drops of ashes that fell down like snowflakes. There was a glint of something just under my nose and with great effort, I managed to turn my head and look down.

There was a man lying on top of me. Half of his body was encased in some kind of metal armour, while the rest was probably a small burnt pile not far from where we were laying on the ground. There were small pebbles in the ground that were digging into my skin and it hurt when I tried to move.

A touch of skin to skin made me scramble away as fast as I could. He only had half of his armour on, I realized. I don't know if he managed to rape me or not, but I couldn't feel any pain inside me or feel anything that would indicate that he had his way with me. I couldn't help but sigh in relief.

Another gust of wind made me shiver again. Taking a deep breath and letting it slowly out made me a bit calmer. Calm enough to look around me in hopes of finding something to cover myself up with.

I was in a barn somewhere, I noticed. The fire wasn't as strong as I thought it would be and it was already dying out, making the smoke bigger. I had to get out of here, unless I wanted to suffocate on it. I couldn't see anything that I could cover up with, so I gave up. I tried to stand up, but my legs wouldn't hold me. It was like something had sucked out all my strength and stamina.

My nose and throat began to burn as the smoke got thicker and thicker. I never imagined I would die this way, I mused to myself as I curled up in a ball in the middle of the barn. I always thought I would die somewhere in a hospital, older and alone.

Well, I was alone now, wasn't I? So that's the only thing I expected when I would die. I don't think there was a hospital anywhere nearby and I didn't look all that old now that I thought about it. From what I could see, my skin was young-looking and I had really small breasts that seemed to be on the start of their development. I felt... really young. Younger than I was before I woke up wherever this was.

It's almost funny, I thought as I tried to curl up even more, feeling so very sleepy. I was always just a little bit afraid of dying, but it really wasn't all that scary. You just close your eyes and follow the light at the end of the dark tunnel.

Well, unless there's someone standing in front of you, barring the way, of course.

I blinked at the figure in front of me. It was glowing softly and I couldn't see anything that would make me know who or what that was. It was just there. There were brighter spots of blue around the place where the eyes should be. It just stared at me as if judging me. Was that Charon, the one who usually rowed you over the river Styx into the underworld? Or was it some other deity that took your soul over? Or was I such a bad girl that I would go straight to whatever hell there was?

"It is not your time yet," the figure said. Its voice was strange. Like there were various people speaking the same thing at once. Was it a ghost then? A demon? Usually, in movies, ghosts and demons spoke like that.

"Are you a demon?" I asked it, with as much courage as I felt. It wasn't much, I could tell. My voice was shaking.

"I am a Spirit of the Fade," the spirit replied and drifted closer to me. "I am one of the Maker's first children. I am the Spirit of Strength."

I stopped breathing. This all sounded very familiar to me, and yet I knew it couldn't be real. The Maker? Spirits of the Fade? It all reminded me of the Dragon Age game and its giant load of lore information. I had to find out more about whatever the spirit was talking about. I wouldn't just blindly believe what it was saying, no matter how much I wished it was true.

"A Spirit of the Fade?" I asked, almost breathlessly. "Like the Spirit of Valour, Faith, Fortitude and Justice?"

It almost seemed like the spirit in front of me cocked its head like a dog who was curious about something. "You seem knowledgeable about the Fade, yet you are not from this world."

Not from this world. Yeah, I was dreaming. I wanted to pinch myself, but I couldn't move my arms. "I come from a world where all this is just a story written for people to enjoy," I said, trying to explain the word video game. I think I failed miserably. I was pretty sure that where I was there were no video games. There were no Harry Potter books, no animes,... this was probably the Fade.

"And yet, here you are," the spirit said.

"Yet here I am, and I don't know how I came to be here," I replied in a whispery voice. "I don't even know how I look like or if my name is still the same."

Was this something I read about before? Like those fan fictions where a modern girl was transported to the world of Thedas and either possessed the body of whoever the author decided or the body was just created from scratch? A fleeting thought almost made me snort. Please let me be Marian Hawke!

Yeah, I was going insane.

The spirit was once again cocking its head at me. Almost like it could read my mind. Though, I realized, it probably could. Anders could hear Justice talking to him sometimes, though Wynne couldn't. I had to wonder what the spirit wanted with me or why it was even talking to me.

"The Maker is giving you another chance at life," the spirit said, with that multi-voice of theirs again. "And I am to help you survive it."

Did that mean that I was dead in my previous world? Or did the spirit mean this one? Because I'm pretty sure I died in this one mere minutes after arriving.

This was getting stranger and stranger. I always thought that the Maker didn't really exist. I mean, I'm not a really religious person, but I always believed that there was something out there that made things happen. And the Maker was just something the Bioware came up with.

"Why would the Maker give me a chance?" I asked. I wasn't that special of a person. I've always had trouble when growing up – so much trouble that I was unable to finish high school. And I don't mean like I was a trouble magnet or something, I just wasn't mentally stable enough to… and that makes it sound a lot worse than it really was.

"I do not know His thoughts," the spirit replied.

Well, the Maker has a sense of humour, I recalled Bethany saying once.

"Will you allow me to help you?" the spirit asked. All I could do was nod. If this was a dream, I would wake up and nothing would change. If it wasn't a dream, I won't become a burned body inside a barn. I didn't care much about the fact that I was going to be an abomination. Or at least, not yet.

As soon as I finished nodding, the spirit disappeared and I could feel its presence inside of me. I still didn't understand why a Spirit of Strength decided to help me. I wasn't strong at all. I never went to the gym to work out so I couldn't have developed any muscles. I didn't do sports so I didn't have the endurance. What was I strong in then?

"Your willpower is stronger than any person I have encountered," my mind whispered to me. Ah, so we would be able to communicate.

"Yes, there is much you do not know of this world and of your magic."

"Wait, what?" I'm a mage? Was that dead man beside me a Templar then? Did he use a Holy Smite on me? Was it because of the Smite, that I was so tired I could hardly move?

"Yes, you are a newly awakened mage. It was you that created that fire in the barn," the spirit whispered in my ear again.

"But I don't even like fire!" I exclaimed then realized that this wasn't exactly a smart thing to say after finding out I was a mage of all things. And that it probably wasn't me that created that fire, but the girl whose body I inhabited now.

"You do not have to specialize in one class of magic, I can teach you things about magic that your father does not know about."

"My father?"

"Yes, your father. He is near. You should wake up."

"But I don't even know who I am. What if I make a mistake and they realize I'm not their daughter and think I'm a demon or something?"

"It is not uncommon that people living through such trauma as the girl whose body you're in, deal with it in different ways."

I thought about that. "I could stay silent for a while," I said at last. I wasn't much of a talker anyway and if it helped me stay alive, then I would become a complete mute if it was necessary.

"That could work," the spirit agreed.

"Okay then. How do I wake up?" I asked.

"Just open your eyes."

Easier said than done.

It was like there was cement poured all over my face and then dried really fast. I wondered if there were drills in Thedas but realized that there probably weren't. There was no electricity after all… unless the mages learned how to harness it. I was still in the same position I was in before I blanked out – curled up next to the dead Templar, inside a smoking barn. I coughed as I once again breathed in the smoke. My eyes started watering and I could finally open them.

I closed them as soon as I could because the smoke made them burn and I really didn't want to become blind as soon as I ended up in a new world. I had to wonder where I was. I knew I was in a barn, but where was that barn? And yes, I know I'm rambling, but I'm confused. I'm allowed to ramble when confused, right?

A gust of wind once again picked up and made me shiver, but it also drove the smoke away. The only difference from the gust of wind that made me shiver before was that this one didn't stop. It was like someone turned on a giant fan that blew the smoke away. There was the sound of crunching pebbles and I was suddenly engulfed in a warm cloak.

Ah, that would probably be the father then.

"Are you all right, Ria?" I heard a male voice whisper. It sounded like he was relieved to see me, scared out of his wits, and worried about me all at the same time. I wondered if Ria was my name or if it was a nickname. I hoped it was a nickname for Marian. I hoped that this man was Malcolm Hawke. I wanted to tell him I'm fine, but I knew I shouldn't. Should I curl up in his arms? Should I just nod? Should I flinch away from his touch like I wanted to?

Before I could decide on what to do, my body answered by itself. It flinched for a moment when warm fingers wrapped around my cold ones and then threw myself into the man's arms sobbing loudly.

Not a moment later his warm hands surrounded me and after a few moments, lifted me up into the air like I was as light as a feather. I snuggled closer to the warmth and hid my face in the crook of his neck.

"Did he hurt you?" I heard him ask in a strangled voice. I guess he noticed the half-naked Templar then. I shook my head. I could almost imagine the relief on his face when he sighed into my hair. My hair felt long and as I opened my eyes again, I could see it was black and somewhat wavy. It was longer than the default Bethany hairstyle, but probably had the same waves in it.

I wonder what colour my eyes are. I hoped that they were that dazzling blue of the default Hawke, though I hoped that I wouldn't have that red scar over my nose.

I was brought out of my thoughts when I felt lips on my hair, which indicated that the man kissed me. I could feel my lips twitching into a smile. My dad never did that. Or if he did, it was such a long time ago that I didn't remember.

I wonder how old I am. I hoped that I wasn't brought into this world too late or too early. I really hoped that I could get used to it before the Blight began. So many questions and so little answers, I grumbled mentally to myself.

"It is 9:20 Dragon," I heard the spirit whisper in my ear. My mind began whirling in numbers then. If it was 9:20 Dragon, then it was the year the Hawkes moved to Lothering. It would be ten years later that the Blight would begin. Ten years until I met Fenris. My heart stumbled a bit at that thought and I quickly dashed it away. I shouldn't think about that now.

And I had to stop thinking that my family were the Hawkes. It might be a completely different family. I shouldn't get my hopes up.

Although, now that I think about it… I can understand the language. It sounded like English to my ears. I was frightened for a microsecond that I wouldn't understand Fereldan language. I wonder if Antivan was a mix of Spanish and Italian that people were discussing on Bioware forums, or if Orlesian was French. I knew some words from all those languages, but I couldn't converse with anyone in them. Or at least, I couldn't understand full sentences. I wondered if the written word would be as easy to understand as the spoken word. I dearly hoped so, because I loved reading.

I was distracted again by the return of the tingly feeling that I felt when I woke up for the first time. Was that my magic? Or is it called mana? Or magicka, like in The Elder Scrolls games? I brought one of my hands closer to my eyes and the tingling got stronger. I really hoped I wouldn't burst into fire again.

The man carrying me stopped abruptly and I think he stared at my hand as well.

"You burnt that barn?" he asked in a shaky voice. I gathered my courage and looked up through my lashes. The man's hair was as black as mine and his eyes were a piercing grey as he stared into my own eyes. I had to fight the impulse to hide myself behind the hair that fell onto my face, and I nodded.

I really hoped that this man was Malcolm Hawke and not someone that would send me straight to the Circle like so many other fathers and mothers did.

I wondered if he could feel the magic inside of me and it was this that made him realize that I was a mage… or did my sparkly fingers give me away?

It was probably the fingers.

The following silence was very uncomfortable. I tried to ignore the fact that a man I never met before was carrying me somewhere I never was before and never thought I would be. It was hard to ignore these thoughts, so I pretended to fall asleep against the man's chest.