You heard right! Sweeny Todd parody. I'm not putting this in crossovers because I don't think people check those. I changed a few songs and who sings them but not all.

Ages: Taz and Specs are 18, bugs 25, february is 20, Krayonder is 23, Ups 35, Megagirl is 28, Tootsies and buggette are 33. Pincers 50, Juniors 35.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the kitchen sink


part one

Dark almost black waves crashed against the sides of a large boat as midnight drew near.

In the distance, a dark line was coming closer and closer. On the deck a solitary figure gripped the railing. The starry eyed sailor looked in wonder at the approaching harbor. Leaning over the rail slightly, the boy began to sing (A/N yes I'm going there)

I have sailed the the world and seen its wonders.

from Bengal.

To the mountains of Peru.

But there's no place like London!

"No there no place like London."

The sailor spun around to see a large man with short grey hair and a red scar running down his face. "Mr. Up? Are you alright?" Asked the sailor.

"Yes Joseph. Better than I've felt in a long time." said Up grimly. "You can call me Bug, all my friends do." Said Bug slightly more cheerfully. Turning back to the city scape. "It's beautiful isn't it, I always wanted to go to London." Up Simply turned away.

You are young. Life's been kind to you.

you will learn.

Up turned back again and marched back to the rail with anger flashing in his eyes.

there's a hole in the world like a great black pit

and the vermin of the word inhabit it

Where morals aren't worth what a pig could spit

and it goes by the name of London

Up above lives a privileged few

who mocks the vermin in the lower zoo

they turn beauty into filth and greed

I to

have sailed the world and seen its wonders

for the cruelty of men

is as wondrous as Peru

But there's no place like London

no place like London

As they were singing, the boat had docked in the harbor. The pair walked off the gangplank together and onto the wet stones of London. Bug looked about the marina in amazement, but then he noticed Up looking wistfully down the street.

"are you sure your alright ?" He asked.

"Oh oh yes. I'm fine Joseph. It's just, memories. Ghosts."

"ghosts? What do you mean."

Up sighed and gave Bug a haunting look.

there was a barber and his wife.

Began Up, his eyes far away.

And she was beautiful.

a foolish barber and his wife.

She was his reason and his life.

And she was beautiful.

And she was virtuous.

And he was

Naive.

Up smiled. the picture of his wife swam into his head, her dark hair and green dress. The way she would hold their baby girl. Suddenly, Up got angry. Very angry.

There was another man who saw

that she was beautiful.

A pious vulture of the law

Who with a gesture of his claw

removed the barber from his plate!

and there was nothing but to wait.

and she would fall.

So soft!

So young!

so lost

and oh so beautiful!

Up gasped and pressed his hand to the scar. Images of the day he got it ten years ago. The day of his arrest. His wife was pulled father and farther away.

"mr Up? What happened? Did the woman succumb?"

that was many years ago.

I doubt that anyone would know.

The large man turned back to Bug. "Thank you for passage. if your ship didn't find me, I'd still be lost at sea"

Bug gave him a smile. "Where can I find you?" He asked.

"in my barber shop on Fleet Street"


There's a hole in the world like a great black pit

and it's full of people who are filled with shit

and the vermin of the world inhabit it.

Up marched through the streets. After all these years he still new every twist and turn of the wretched streets. The stones were damp and slippery from the storm the previous night. The misty soup of smog that clouded the night sky gave signs that it would storm again. Rats ran about the feces that clogged the drains.

It all was so different from the sunny memory's that swam in his head.

the only people outside were a young couple holding a baby on a park bench. More images of his wife and child flashed through his head. "You will see them soon. You will see them soon." He chanted to himself in an attempt to drive away the hate in his heart.

"Do we know that man over there?" Whispered the woman to her husband, her white blonde hair brushing his nose.

"I don't think so Meg. I never forget stuff. Oooo what that!" The heavily accented man pointed excitedly at a freckle on his arm.


Ahead, a familiar apartment came into view. despite the cracked windows and broken shingles it was still his old home. Same staircase outside, same awning, same sign that said Tess Lopezes meat pie emporium.

wait what?

In the back of his head, Up remembered the Spaniards that moved downstairs the year before his arrest. A sickly young woman, a drunk, and their seven year old daughter. A little girl named Tess.

Up entered the dark shop. At the counter, a pale young woman with dark hair piled in pigtails and a raggedy black corset chopped dough with a scowl on her almost angelic face. Hearing the door close, she twirled around the knife and stuck it in the table with a gasp. She bustled to Up.

"A customer!"

Wait! what's your rush what's your hurry!

you gave me such a *gasp* fright

I thought you was a ghost

half a minute can't you sit?

Sit ya dahm

sit!

with amazing strength Tess ushered Up to a seat and shoved him down. She hurried back behind the counter.

Ill admit that I haven't seen a customer for weeks

have you come in for a pie sir?

please forgive me if me 'eads a little vague.

ugh what is that? *squash*

you would think we ad the plague

way people *squash* keep avoidin *squash*

no you don't!

Tess pulled her knife out and pointed it at Up when she saw him squirm. Rolling her eyes, she picked up a pie and brushed off some dust. Up didnt feel so good.

Heaven knows I try sir.

but no one cones in even to inhale

here you are, would you like a drop of ale?

sadness suddenly flashed in the young woman's eyes as she started to make a pie.

god knows I can hardly blame them!

these are probably

the worst pies in London

the worst pies in London

and I know why

they won't take em!

I should know

I make em!

but good?

no!

the worst pies in London

even that's polite!

the worst pies in London

if you doubt it take a bite!

isnt that just

disgusting

you have to

concede it!

its nothing

but crusting!

here drink this

youll need it.

gloppy chunks of random smelling slop squished through Ups mouth. He could barely swallow it! Looking down, a beetle crawled out of the bite mark in his pie. A tired looking Tess placed a mug on his table. The sadness in her eyes turned to anger as she ran behind the counter, grabbed a rolling pin and started smacking dough

But no wonder with the price of meat what it is! *smack*

when ya get it! *smack smack*

never *smack* thought I'd *smack*live to see the day! *smack smack*

you would think it was a treat! *smack*

finding poor *smack* animals *smack*

what are dying in the street!

mrs moony has pie shop! *smack smack*

does her business but I've noticed something weird *smack smack*

lately all her neighbors cats have disappeared *smack smack*

what I call *smack* enterprise! *smack!*

poppin pussys into pies! *smack*

wouldnt do in MY shop! *smack smack*

the very thought of its enough to make you sick!

And I tell you them pussy cats is quick...

no denying times is hard sir!

even harder than

the worst pies in London

only lard and nothing more!

isnt that just

revolting!

all greasy and gritty!

it looks like

its molting!

and tastes like!

well... Pity

a woman alone

with limited wind.

and the worst pies in London!

oh sir.

times is hard.

times is HARD!

*squash*

Tess sighed and leaned her head in her hand. Up was still gagging on the pie.

"Gonna take a lot more than that to get that taste out if your mouth ese." She said in a thick Spanish accent. "I'll get ya some whiskey from upstairs." Tess got out from the counter and went to the staircase. Up jumped out of his seat.

"I'll go with you!"

"what?"

Tess spun around, grabbed her knife and held it in front of her defensively. Up held up his hands and smirked."not like that I promise." Tess raised an eyebrow and lowered her knife slightly. "I just want to get some information."

choclate eyes scanned over Up. With a clap, Tess Twirled her knife around her fingers and it disappeared in the torn folds of her black skirt.

"Vamanos ese. Ill show jou around."

Up got up and followed Tess up the stairwell. The stairs opened up to a dusty dark sitting room. Up sat on the couch while Tess dug around for a bottle.

"Here ya are ese."

She slapped a mug into Ups hand and sat down in a arm chair across from him. Up noted that she didn't sit obediantly at his feet like a normal woman.

"I see that there is another apartment upstairs. Does anyone live there?" Asked Up

"no. There was a woman with a daughter a few years older than me but they're long gone. No one would take the room. Say it's haunted."

Up raised an eyebrow. His wife and daughter weren't here. "why?"

"well something 'appended up there. Something not very nice."

"what happened?" Asked Up, slightly nervouse

A flash came from Tesses eyes and she looked away, fidgeting. After a few seconds she turned back and started to sing softly

there was a barber and his wife

and he was beautiful.

A proper artist with a knife.

but they transported him for life

and he was beautiful.

Tess had a strange expression on her face, as if at war. Up sputtered ever so slightly.

"What was his crime?" He asked

"foolishness" said Tess, turning to him slowly. "Walker his name was. Joseph Walker"

Up put a hand to his scar. He, his wife, and his ten year old daughter holding hands while strolling through the market, when the beadle, a arrogant son of a baron, came at him with a group of police. With his cane, Beadle Junior cut a slice into Ups cheek. Next thing he new, he was before a judge, then a ship heading for a camp in Australia. Suddenly Up was shaken out of his trance by the bitterness that consumed Tess.

He had this wife you see

pretty little thing

silly little nit

had her chance for the moon on a string

poor thing

poor thing

there was this judge ya see

wanted her like mad

everyday he'd send her a flower

but would she come down from her tower?

stayed up there and sobbed by the hour.

poor fool

poor thing.

but there was worse yet to come poor thing

the beadle calls on her all polite

poor thing!

poor thing!

the judge he tells her is all contrite

he blames himself for her dreadful plight

she must come straight to his house tonight!

poor thing!

poor thing!

Of course when she goes ther poor dear poor thing

theyre having this ball all in masks

theres no one she knows there poor dear poor thing

she wanders tormented and drinks poor thing!

the judge has repented she thinks poor thing!

oh where is judge Pincer she asks.

he was ther alright! Only not so contrite!

she wasn't no match for such craft you see

the guest they all thought it so droll

they thought that she must have been daft you see

they gathered around and they laughed you see

poor thing!

poor thing!

Poor thing!

"NO!"

Up jumped to his feet seething with rage. Tess fell out of her chair in surprise and ducked under her hands, her skirt fanning out. She carefully lifted her head and caught Ups eyes. She inhaled sharply

"Tu eres senior Joseph Walker." She murmured in Spanish.

"What happened to my Annette?" Asked a furious and frantic Up.

Tesses face was blank. "She... Poisoned herself. Arsenic. From the apothecary 'round the corner."

Feeling dizzy, Up fell backwards into the couch. Tess wore a small smirk. "Ya know what else ese?" She asked almost playfully. "Judge Pincers got ya daughter." Up felt his works get smaller and smaller. "Adopted her like his own."

Up rolled his head back. "I've spent ten years sweating in a hot hell, dreaming I'd return to a wife and child."

"well I can't say the years have been kind to jou señor Walker" said Tess, getting up and sitting beside Up.

"No. Joe Walker dies. I'm Up. And he is... Wifeless, childless and alone." Up put his head in his hands. Tess was shocked! this man she remembered was the man she looked up to, the man she would watch flick knives with ease for hours in her hiding spot... The man who punched her father when he was on his mood swings, crying.

"No."

Up looked up. Tess had stood.

"No! Up, Joseph, whoever de hell you are, you are not the man I remember, and your not a man any better! Do you remember, when mi padre tried to smash me open and eat my guts? You destroyed dat cabarón. Dat was tough! That day jou told me that no matter how hard jou get knocked down, Jou just have to get back up! Now it's your turn! Get back up!"

Up met Tesses gaze. She held both his arms and hunched over him. Tess gave a small smile at the sight of his crystal eyes.

"c'mon, I want to show jou something"


Standing in his old apartment felt strange, like he expected it to be, unnatural or haunting, but somehow Up felt at home with unnatural and haunting. Up cautiously approached a dusty bed. Tucked inside was a little blonde doll. The stuffing was coming out of a rip in its neck. For some reason it made Up slightly less sad.

"I hid them when they came for your daughter."

Up had nearly forgotten about Tess. She kneeled down on the floor and motion Up to come closer. Up kneeled in front of her. Tess pulled up a loose floor board. Inside the floor was a box. Brushing dust off the box, she lifted out out and opened it.

Ups eyes widened.

inside were twelve razors

slowly he lifted one out and studied it while Tess stared in wonder.

"señor Up?"

Up didn't answer

"Up?"

The glint of the silver handle reflected in Ups eyes. "Up?" Asked Tess again quieter as she was entranced by the shine

these blades are my friends.

Began Up in a voice shaky from disuse.

See how they glisten

see this one shine

how he smiles in the light

my friends!

My faithful friends!

Steadily, Up stood and turned, holding the razor so the light of street lamps coming through the window hit the blade perfectly. Tess stared in wonder from her spot on the floor as Up sang to his blade like it was a loved one. Tess felt a weird feeling as he sang.

speak to me friends

whisper!

ill listen

I know. I know

You've been locked out of sight all these years!

like me!

my friends!

But I've come home!

to find you waiting!

and we'll do wonders

wont we?

You there my friend

Tess stood and slowly stepped towards Up almost in a daze, her hand extended to him.

I'm your friend too señor Up

If you only knew señor Up

ooh señor Up

your warm in my hand

Tess buried her head in Ups shoulder, drinking in the scent of her role model.

You've come home!

ive always had a fondness for you I did.

Up turned away and went back to his spot on the floor, holding the blade to the rising sun. Tess stepped closer and closer as she sang.

Never you fear Señor Up

you can move in here señor Up

splendors you've never have dreamed all your days

will be yours!

Kneeling down behind Up, Tess put her head carefully next to his, watching their reflections in the open blade. For some reason the sound of their voices together gave her chills.

My lucky friends! (I'm your friends!)

see how they shine ( don't they shine beautiful!)

but merely silver (silvers good enough for me)

(Señor Up)

youll drip rubies.

soon you'll drip precious

Rubies.

Up stroked the razor lovingly, then he noticed Tess in the reflection. He turned his head so that their noses touched.

"leave me"

once the door closed, Up straightened and extended his arm, the blade glinting at the end.

"at last! My arm is complete again!"