The
comm shut off and she stood, staring at it, for awhile.
Thinking
perhaps, but more just staring.
Staring as if the realization
hadn't hit her; and it wouldn't hit her for a while.
Staring
as if time had stopped and she was frozen with it.
Staring as if
something inside of her was recalibrating.
Just staring.
No
one else had heard the conversation; no one had heard the words.
No
one else could see the tears that unconsciously slid down her cheeks.
No one, because the only one that could was on the other end.
The only one that could was the one who had caused them.
No
one else had heard the words, because she had barely heard them
herself.
They hadn't sunk in yet, the impact hadn't occurred.
She was just staring.
Then she started thinking.
Then she started hearing.
Then she started understanding.
Then she started realizing.
Then she collapsed in the tears
that had been unconsciously slipping down her cheeks.
Then her
breath became ragged.
Then she started sobbing.
But she
knew that even if she had seen this coming, like reading the last
page of a novel…if she had seen it coming and had the strength to
walk away…if she had seen it coming and known how much it would
hurt…if she had seen it coming and had known her heart would
break…she would have loved him anyway.
Because maybe she could
have changed his mind when she held him close.
Because maybe she
could have changed fate, because it wasn't set in stone.
Because
maybe it wouldn't have come to this.
Because they hadn't even
known if they would have made it this far.
Because not to love him would have hurt her even more.
And as she started
thinking, she would have never done it any different.
She
wouldn't have changed a second, because every one had counted.
She
wouldn't have traded a touch, because every one had meant
something.
She wouldn't wish for a different memory, because
every one had been significant.
Because not to love him would
have hurt her even more.
Then she stopped.
She stopped
thinking, and she stopped sobbing.
Because that wouldn't get
her anywhere.
Because even though it hurt, not to love him would
have hurt even more, and she knew that.
Because she had seen
in coming, she had known her heart would break, she had known how
much it would hurt. She had run right into his arms anyway.
But
she hadn't had the strength to walk away, because not to love him
would have hurt so much more.
This she could move on from, his
needing space, his scalding words, his empty gaze.
She could move
on from this.
But not to love him would hurt even more, and she
didn't have the strength to not love him.
She didn't have to
strength to forfeit all the seconds, and touches, and the memories.
And she didn't have the strength to not love him.
