The comm shut off and she stood, staring at it, for awhile.
Thinking perhaps, but more just staring.
Staring as if the realization hadn't hit her; and it wouldn't hit her for a while.
Staring as if time had stopped and she was frozen with it.
Staring as if something inside of her was recalibrating.

Just staring.

No one else had heard the conversation; no one had heard the words.
No one else could see the tears that unconsciously slid down her cheeks.
No one, because the only one that could was on the other end.
The only one that could was the one who had caused them.
No one else had heard the words, because she had barely heard them herself.
They hadn't sunk in yet, the impact hadn't occurred.

She was just staring.

Then she started thinking.
Then she started hearing.
Then she started understanding.
Then she started realizing.
Then she collapsed in the tears that had been unconsciously slipping down her cheeks.
Then her breath became ragged.
Then she started sobbing.

But she knew that even if she had seen this coming, like reading the last page of a novel…if she had seen it coming and had the strength to walk away…if she had seen it coming and known how much it would hurt…if she had seen it coming and had known her heart would break…she would have loved him anyway.
Because maybe she could have changed his mind when she held him close.
Because maybe she could have changed fate, because it wasn't set in stone.
Because maybe it wouldn't have come to this.
Because they hadn't even known if they would have made it this far.

Because not to love him would have hurt her even more.

And as she started thinking, she would have never done it any different.
She wouldn't have changed a second, because every one had counted.
She wouldn't have traded a touch, because every one had meant something.
She wouldn't wish for a different memory, because every one had been significant.
Because not to love him would have hurt her even more.

Then she stopped.
She stopped thinking, and she stopped sobbing.
Because that wouldn't get her anywhere.
Because even though it hurt, not to love him would have hurt even more, and she knew that.

Because she had seen in coming, she had known her heart would break, she had known how much it would hurt. She had run right into his arms anyway.
But she hadn't had the strength to walk away, because not to love him would have hurt so much more.
This she could move on from, his needing space, his scalding words, his empty gaze.
She could move on from this.
But not to love him would hurt even more, and she didn't have the strength to not love him.
She didn't have to strength to forfeit all the seconds, and touches, and the memories.
And she didn't have the strength to not love him.