Izaya and I have had a steady relationship for the past year. It kind of surprised me when the person you least expected to confess to you confessed to you. Izaya was completely baffled when I said yes, to be honest, I was too. Just the thought of Izaya with someone else made me uneasy. So to confirm these feelings, I went out with him.
Everything was going so well, but now, things have been going downhill. Izaya's usually "I love humanity" complex has turned into a reserved and quiet one. One day he was the usual eccentric narcissist, but the next day it was like that part of him disappeared. It was completely replaced with an insecure and depressing personality.
"Shizu-chan?" Izaya looks at me in the eyes.
"Oh sorry!" I apologized, "I guess I spaced out..."
"It's ok, what movie do you wanna see?" He stares at the selection of 5 and then to his phone.
"Hmm, how about you choose?" I nudge him.
"Eh? I always do the choosing, it's your turn." He scratches his cheek without looking up.
Liar. Izaya would never let me have the chance to choose before that time happened.
"I insist, you should," I nod at him.
He looks edgy, "But-"
I protest, we start to fight.
Seriously, when did these meaningless conversations turn into such a big argument?
Suddenly a beam over top of us moans in complain. It gives it's weight up and starts to fall.
"Izaya!" I cried and threw myself onto him to cover him from the beam.
My vision is a bit blurry, but it soon starts to clear up. Izaya is a couple meters away from me, nervously looking at his cellphone.
I try to turn my neck left to right, but I can't. When I try to call out to Izaya the same results happen. I look around only to where my peripheral vision could let me.
I sort of get the gist of my situation, I'm in a flashback. The annoying ones where I can't achieve an action of my own but can only be triggered when a specific checkpoint is reached.
Izaya finally takes his eyes off his phone and turns around to look at me. He was still that happy-go-lucky guy 3 months ago.
He was speaking. There was no sound, only words that appeared in front of him as if they were subtitles to a foreign language.
"Sooorry about that! Those damn business looking guys wouldn't stop bothering me!" It read.
I suddenly realize what this flashback was.
It was from that time.
That time where everything turned into a catastrophe. I was reliving this memory, I could almost hear the words being spoken once again.
"No problem," I say.
"Yeah yeah," He does the jazz hands, "So about-"
He gets cut off by the little phone jingle that appears whenever a message is received.
"Ah- Sorry one sec!" He gives an apologetic smile and turns sideways.
Geez, even if it's a flashback, he's still the same old Izaya, always glued to his phone.
His beaming smile fades, his face goes pale.
"Are you ok?" I ask.
"Y-Yea, just a little mix up," He says, a trickle of sweat drops from his face.
I say nothing in return.
I should've pressed on. I should've asked what was bothering him. We'll never go back to those days.
I awake to the real world. As expected, Izaya was staying beside me the whole time.
"You're awake!" He smiles in relief.
"Yeah," I smile in return.
"I'll go call the doctor," Izaya starts to stand up, "...Shizu-?"
I quickly grab him by the arm and pull him in for a kiss.
I let go of him, "Sorry, I just got caught up in the spur of moments."
"Why apologize?" He grins unenthusiastically, his breath shaky.
I chuckle, "I guess I didn't have to... Are you gonna call the doctor?"
Izaya pauses for a second too long, "-Yea..." He starts shifting his eyes nervously.
I always hated that look he gave. It was a tense, uncomfortable look he gives when he wants to say something, but stays quiet about it.
He leaves to find the doctor.
Gosh, what am I doing wrong? Why is he so restless when he's with me? What am I missing?
That night I dreamt of the good old days. When Izaya would tell me his thoughts on a topic he either likes or dislikes.
In this dream, we recite a conversation that happened when we first started dating.
"Why go to a cat show?" I asked as Izaya gives me a ticket.
"Eh?! Aren't cats the best!? They're cute, fluffly, and can be affectionate. Like for example, they'll leave their master when they're about to die! So beautiful I might cry! Haaah, I'm in love with them..."
"Eh, do they really leave?" I question in disbelief.
"What? Yes!- No? I'm gonna research this!" Izaya pulls out his phone.
"That's unnecessary," I laugh.
"Not unless you're Ikebukuro's number one information broker!" He presses a search engine app.
I pout, "I don't understand..."
I wake up to a familiar ceiling. It was the ceiling to the living room. When did I start sleeping here?
I stand up slowly, my mind still groggy. It was still pretty dark outside and none of our lights were turned on.
Where's Izaya?
I go to our room, the blanket was messily tumbled around so Izaya was sleeping here till now. He probably went to the bathroom or something.
I see the screen of his phone illuminating the room. Izaya's phone, the object that has ruined our relationship. I start reaching for it. If only I knew what he was doing on his phone. If I knew what he was keeping behind my back maybe our lives will go back to normal.
"What're you doing?" Izaya appears from the doorway, I could hear his heavy breathing all the way from here.
"Hey, what are you doing with your phone?" I retaliated.
He stays quiet but quickly walks up to me. Izaya suddenly pushes me from behind towards the door, leaving me with no time to reach his phone. When we reach it, he uses a bit more force to push me out.
"You, of all people, don't need to know..." His tone of voice was in the most wretched and miserable way possible.
It leaves me speechless and Izaya closes the door quietly.
The next day, he acts as if that little commotion from yesterday night didn't happen. Izaya was never a fan of staying on one fight for too long. If he acts like it didn't happen then that was his awkward way of saying sorry.
The next couple of weeks were of strained conversations and small outbreaks of our temper usually resulting to a fight.
One day, I couldn't control my temper and my irritation dawned upon him.
"Why? Why can't you let me see what's on your phone?!" I barked at him.
Instead of Izaya taking a step back or even flinching in the tiniest bit, he stood still.
"...You can't," He manages to say, taking unstable gasps into the air.
I can't stop venting my anger, I was only making this worse, "You, who has always bottled up your feelings, am I not good enough? Did you not trust me? Hey, tell me Izaya?!"
"What are you so afraid of?!" He screeches.
I lost my words for a second, "N-Nothing! It should be me asking you this! Just tell me, why do you turn to your phone when looking for comfort?"
Izaya ignores what I said, "We don't need any clearing up to do, let's just keep moving forward, ok?" His face was contorted with pain.
Words seem to be flying out of my mouth, "But if you act like that then how do we keep moving forward? Im not sure how our relationship will continue..."
Izaya opens his mouth to say something but quickly changes his mind.
He lets out a sad, defeated smile as if he were saying 'no more,' "Yeah, me too..."
I furrowed my eyebrows, something tells me not to interrupt him.
"I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy... Hey Shizu-chan, I love you."
I turn away from his muddy eyes, I couldn't find the words to say it back to him.
1:09 AM, Orihara Izaya has disappeared.
I was out drinking only to find myself sitting on Izaya's desk. Being half sober left me with and without options, I didn't know what to do or how to act anymore. It has only been 3 days since I started living this hellish nightmare.
I look at the small picture that Izaya kept on his desk, a picture of us on our first date.
"Shit!" I slammed my arm hard on his desk and a bunch of papers start to fall everywhere.
I kneel down and hurriedly picked them up. I saw some papers that stuck out to me. Diagnosed? Stage 4? Lung cancer?
I freeze in my tracks, as if everything just came back, including my sadness. Tears start to fall rapidly without even knowing what clearly happened to Izaya, but I had a pretty good idea what was happening. How could I be so blind? I really never asked him what was wrong.
The heavy burden I've been carrying has never felt this heavy in my entire life.
My silent sobs continued for the night.
I turn around from the area that Izaya has been last seen, a field of flowers. It was a windy day, windy enough for flowers to be carried above. I faced the sun and closed my eyes.
It's as if the spirit of Izaya still lingers beside me.
"Sh..iz...u-cha..n!" The wind howls.
At that moment, I realized what I was afraid of.
I was afraid of change.
I was afraid of saying "I love you."
But most of all, I was afraid of losing Izaya.
I stop to look at the abandoned field of flowers one more time. Two cats snuggled with each other for their warmth. I smile.
"Like for example, they'll leave their master when they're about to die! So beautiful I might cry!"
"I don't understand..."
Izaya, I now understand why you're deeply fond of cats.
~END~
