He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Revelation 21:4
[Chapter 1]
"How did it all end up like this, home doesn't feel like home anymore. Why did you have to leave?" I stare up at the Portrait hanging on our living room wall with the open empty space echoing the silence as a consistent reminder you are not here anymore. The beautiful blueish-green eyes, crooked smirk smile that seems to bring the only light to the dim lit room, Soft Red-headed curls and pale light skin almost translucent with soft pink rosy cheeks and a sharp but elegant chin passed down to myself and my sister. "Mom, why did you have to leave?" I ask myself again as I stand alone in the Middle of my living room, hands balled into a fist at my sides and wanting to scream but I stay silent only thoughts in my head, though no one is here, except me. It's been like that several days now, my sisters have moved out already, my step-sister, to go live her real mother before all of this ever happened when she and I were both 13, lucky really, and my oldest real sister, almost 19, ran off to live with her soon to be husband and father of her unborn child, shame my mother never even knew, for my sister's fear of not talking bout it with her and even if she did know, she never showed any signs or hatred of dis agreeance towards my sister, though she never approved of my sister's relationship with her fiance. My younger step-brother only a year younger than me... off somewhere, probably getting high with his other young punk friends to ease the pain, finally letting himself get close and accept my mother as his own only to lose her, much like his father, well my step-dad too still I suppose drowning in his sorrow, in his booze actually probably at a bar not too far. And here I sit just turned 16 in February losing her mother barely a month from her 45th birthday and 9 days after my brother's, I know it is not easy on him even though a few weeks have passed.
Crazy, I have lost both my biological parents now, I don't remember much of my real father, though he wasn't always there but losing him at 12 I should be grateful it didn't hit as hard, but feeling so alone without you mom, after months of watching her getting sicker by the day, nights hearing her cry in pain as her body slowly begins to shut down, losing so much weight but she tried playing it off so well in front of everyone, always smiling, though her skin too looked so faint and hair growing thinner and shorter as she would cut more and more off to hide the reality of her losing so much. I feel so angry that she promised God would wait until after my graduation, and I find my husband and have kids before it was her time to go. "I should have spent more time with you Mom," I speak to myself out loud as I throw my head back biting my lip, as I look up to white blank ceiling fighting back my tears. Our last Conversation before she passed, having such a stupid small argument about why she even needed to go to the hospital and my being selfish because I didn't want to have to help around the house after just getting off, or to have her tell me more test results that were not helping and what I believed to be a run around from the doctors, hanging up on her with my last words being "Whatever!" because I had a bad day at work. I shouldn't have taken it out on her. I didn't even get to tell her I loved her or I was sorry that it was all going to be ok.
Why I even still pretend to manage so well I can't understand, trying to help pick up with the little bit of cooking and cleaning to distract myself when so many times she had to ask a million times for me to do so, laundry that still sits in piles that need to be washed but I fear of touching it at all, for fear I will pick up her shirt and it still smells like her or finding the clothes I borrowed and not having to sneak them back in her closet cause she is not there to yell at me anymore about it being her good wardrobe, I have a saddened laugh with a small grunt, as I turn to walk back in the kitchen just right of her image. Empty hallway to my right and further in the kitchen the wash -cabinetry in front of your room just right of that and a few steps below to an open door leading to the dark empty room where she once laid. Looking around the room, the smell of her, everything still in place, closet full of her clothes and shoes, the pictures of our family and her hanging on the walls her dressers beautiful light golden wood and I find myself still tracing the embroidery on her dresser and admiring the small ornaments and picture frames dressing the top of the dresser space when I would go in the first few days it hadn't hit yet. I even rewound the small music box I once gifted to her with little brown teddy bears to hear a soft music playing "My Favorite Things" because it helped to listen to whenever we were having a bad day. But not today, I turn away from the empty kitchen past my hallway and out of the living to my front door slamming it behind me and running away from the silence and the emptiness, away from her eyes looking at me in her portrait away from the reality no one is there to scream at me, "Where I am going?" and telling me what time I need to be back in, before dinner.
I run past the neighbors houses, down the street as the street lights began to flicker on and though it's getting dark almost 9 at night, I brace the coming of the night sky, "I need a break" I tell myself as I feel my hair fly behind me and take deep hard breaths clinching to my phone, and letting my blue Adidas rain jacket brush itself and spread to rise behind me as I just run, past the old abandoned building behind us, past the church we use to meet up at for small family gatherings and neighborhood patrol watch meetings and even past the empty field leading out of our neighborhood to a small little wooded area where I finally carefully slow down and catch myself and my breath on the nearest tree, slumping down beneath it to throw my tear streamed face in my hands and scream. "ARRgggggg! WHYYYY?" wiping my tears from eyes with my damp sleeve of my jacket, "It is Friday night and not a care in the world to do anything but sit here in my own thoughts." angry thoughts filling my head"Great..." I think to myself "am I just going to sit here and mope, it's not going to bring her back and I could stay up all night and wallow in my sorrows, it won't fix anything, I need some company, and I need a distraction, everyone else is why should I not escape reality too." I should as though anyone is listening, after sobbing for what seemed a lifetime, I check my phone to find an hour already passed "Gosh almost 10 already," I grunt again as I pick myself back up from off the ground and grab my black worn ponytail from off my wrist and tie my long black and highlighted colored maimed hair back and attempt to dial and call one of my best friends JasLynn, in hopes to come get me as I pace back home to change and pull myself together once more. "Hey Girl! What's going on..." JasLynn answers so bubbly, "Hey, busy tonight,?... I wanted to get out for the night, any plans?" I ask hoping she will be my savior, "Yea, heading to some guy named Eric's actually for a little get together at his house one of Kale's friend invited us. Want us to swing by?" "Most def," I answer with excitement "See you in a bit" I reply, "K, be there in like, 20 mins poobear" she responds as she ends our call. "I need to change" I look down at my sweats and white tank and worn sneakers and hurry back to the neighborhood back home hastily.
I walk in the door to find my Dad laying on our biggest couch just under the open curtains and window on the front wall of our living room right of me as I rush through the front door. Finding him curled up in a ball with the blanket draped around him but his feet hanging out like always laying on his hand tucked under his chin as he tends to sleep when he had a long day. "He must have a rough night, eh Dad?" I ponder, wondering how much he has had to drink but I find in his other hand his phone almost falling out of his hand on his hip over the blankets ready to fall behind him, I walk slowly and quietly near him to pick it up from his grasps so it is not lost under the couch or coffee table if I needed to call him for anything.
Only to find the recently dialed list open on his screen still, in attempts of him calling mom's phone and her number being the most recent dialed, her phone shut off of course but not disconnected. I know he must have been listening to her voicemail again just to hear voice, guilty that I know this as I found myself doing it as well and even caught myself overhearing the VM left from him as he cried out to her, with so much sorrow and with instant regret from when I was snooping through her phone after everything. It pained me so much to hear him broken so badly. I know he is going through so much and I didn't have the heart to wake him, I decided to write and leave a note instead on the table that I came back to grab some things to stay with JasLynn for the night and to call if he needed anything. knowing my Brother wouldn't be home till tomorrow as well so it wouldn't be a surprise to have an empty home, I glance it over knowing he won't call, probably wouldn't even notice the difference, we all seemed to be in our worlds lately and who could blame us. I look at my mom's portrait again and brush her cheek with my fingertips before rushing down the hallway to my room I once shared with both my sister's, so empty now, 3 beds filled the room, my oldest and her day bed, and my pretend twin and I's bunk beds, I laugh as I go to shut off the light looking back again at the silly beds us teens use to still sleep in, after quickly changing into my high waist blue jeans with slits down the legs and short pink crop top and v neck, and my small pastel sheer button up cardigan and black laced flats., turning to not forget to grab my black choker with my silver cross in the middle and silver hoops before rushing to the bathroom in front of my room, I finish to brush my teeth and brush out my hair from the tangles I managed to cause from my runathon earlier. Apply a light touch of makeup blush, mascara, and my winged eyeliner just to top it off with my pink sheer gloss and accessories to add a little pizazz, "perfect" I wink to myself in the mirror above our sink and force a smile. Phone vibrates on the bathroom counter, "Outside girl!" the text reads from JasLynn I quietly rush down the hall to the living room bout to walk out the door, pausing to grab my purse and keys off the hook and find myself turning back to kiss my dad on the forehead, "Lord, let him rest peaceful tonight with no nightmares" I pray over my dad before closing the curtains and locking the handle on our door and shut it behind me, now stepping on the porch to see my friend Jaslynn and her Boyfriend Kale, parked in front of my house. I breathe in the air at 11 PM Sharp excited for the small break from reality that has been long overdue.
"Hey, Poobear!" JasLynn greets me with my nickname like always as she lets me in the back of Kale's beautiful black 2 door sports car after a short embrace and closing the door for us, "Ready for a good night?" she looks back at me with a beautiful smile to show off her perfectly aligned pearly whites, as we speed off from my home. I snicker to myself, "Yes, very!" I exclaim with a deep breath of relief as I sit back in my seat and relax as the wind blows past us from the windows being down, taking in the clean fresh air as we head into the city toward downtown. "Ready for a night with a worry free mind and no responsibilities!" I giggle softly to JasLynn, "Tonight will be fun, no doubt." Kale answers "No worries girl" JasLynn follows "You enjoy your night and leave the worry for tomorrow." Tomorow? I think and force a smile "I don't even want to think about tomorrow or even tonight.. getting away from all of it" I respond knowing I was needed for my shift at the restaurant tomorrow hoping to pick up more hours from taking a small leave. Looking out through the open window as trees, lights, and buildings pass as a blur, I don't want to think about anything but enjoy my night being Serenity, Not a daughter of a lost Mother, not a Student needing to catch back up on her schoolwork, or the coworker needing to pull extra shifts to make up for lost wages in hopes to go toward her car, not anything just Serenity.
Little does Serenity know to be careful what you ask for though, sometimes the things you want to get away from most lead to finding a way out for you to find something else in its place in return...
