I couldn't ruin everything.
Not like this.
Yet, here I was at Aspertia Lookout, ready to ruin everything.
We were the three amigos—the typical triad of two girls and a guy, friends for life. As toddlers we chased flocks of Pidoves till they flew away. We faced our first day of school together, and Cheren was the only boy who wasn't embarrassed to have two girls as his best friends. We did everything together. Bianca and Cheren were both several months older than me, but they vowed that they wouldn't start their Pokémon journey until I turned 15 and I was old enough to go with them.
Despite this, that year and a half was the furthest we ever had been from each other. Our adventure through the Unova League felt like Cheren and I were in a constant race against each other while Bianca struggled to keep up. In fact, Bianca always seemed like the bridge between Cheren and I whenever the two of us had conflict. She was like the necessary third wheel in our friend group. Afraid of making her feel like more of a third wheel, I talked to her before I did this. Though her words reassured me, I still felt as though I was gonna cause an unfixable rift in our friend group.
"Hilda, you're almost 19 and Cheren and I have been there for a few months now. We have changed and we will continue to change. You've been on a two year journey to Sinnoh after you saved the freaking Unova region. Cheren and I both have real careers now. There's no reason to fear change or even growing apart. And there's certainly no reason to keep your obvious crush on him a secret, this isn't middle school."
Bianca has always been flighty and silly, so her wisdom in that moment took me by surprise. "Obvious crush…" Her knowing smirk and blunt words played through my head making the Butterfree in my stomach multiply. As if my nerves summoned him, I heard Cheren's voice cut through the white noise from up on the lookout.
"Hilda?"
I stood up from the bench in a millisecond and turned towards the voice. The sight of him stunned me. Gone was the scrawny bespectacled boy I first discovered my feelings for when I was 13. He was at least 6 feet even, making me feel small at only 5'6"—the same 5'6" I used to tower over him as when I hit puberty early. His jawline was defined and his hair grew longer—a feature that I didn't think would appeal to me but it did. Maybe it was all the time I spent with N. He started wearing contacts, which made his gray eyes more prominent. I had found him attractive in spite of his flaws prior to this moment. Now I just found him straight up attractive.
I couldn't read his face as he looked at me. I cut my hair slightly shorter and started wearing it down. I didn't totally abandon my tomboyish fashion, but I lost the cutoffs and the tank tops. I even bought a few dresses during my time in Sinnoh. My mom was pleasantly surprised when she saw my new look; she said I was "a woman now" whatever the hell that means. Maybe he was shocked that I actually put in effort.
"Hey Cheren…it's been a while…" No shit Hilda. Of course every suave thing I had in my mind went out the window for an unoriginal and obvious greeting.
We just looked at each other for a few more seconds dumbly. What do you say to your best friend who you also have a rivalry with but who you also have a long standing crush on after you haven't seen them in over two years? Cheren broke the silence first, with an awkward greeting that matched the obviousness of mine.
"Yeah it has been…things sure are different now…" He leaned against the railing of the overlook and stared out to the setting sun.
I scoffed, "You're an official member of the Unova League and I left the country to search for a man who returned to Unova before I could reach him and that's all you can say?" I may have come off as a bit too rude in my poor attempts to make things casual.
"You can't tell me I'm wrong though." Cheren retorted with a smirk. I hated how he was always right. He looked back out over the view and continued, "I mean you're standing in a city that was still under development in that Unova expansion project that began before we even went on our Pokémon journey. I'm living my new dream as a gym leader, and Bianca's living her dream as a Pokémon professor in training. You've been halfway across the world, learned a new culture, language and Pokédex. This guy named Nate and his sister Rosa are being hailed as the new "heroes of Unova"…I could go on, but I think you get the point."
"Your attitude hasn't changed…" was the only response that my still addled brain could come up with. Why did I suck so badly at conversation?
He pursed his lips, seemingly deep in thought.
"I didn't always have such a shitty attitude towards you," he remarked, looking deeply in my eyes. I felt a pang of guilt knowing exactly where this conversation was headed.
"Middle school really sucked for me and you know it, but I figure this needs to be said. Everyone thought I was gay because my only friends were you and Bianca, and I wasn't one of the 'bros'. Then, I asked out Aspen Coleman because I genuinely liked her and she turned me down thinking I was just using her to prove the rumors false. I sobbed in my bedroom to you and Bianca that night. While Bianca was her usual warm and supportive self, you just got all weird and removed from the conversation. I got resentful that you seemed to be mad at me for wanting to spend time with someone who wasn't you and Bianca. I wasn't shy in letting you know about that resentment. And of course you know how many fights we got into after that point that Bianca had to mediate. As middle schoolers we never confronted the root of the fights because at that age everyone is so stupid and oblivious about how relationships work, how adult communication works. Instead we just became competitive like we were preschoolers playing a game of 'anything you can do I can do better.' It was all so petty. So, I'm laying it out on the table now. Even though we patched things up with Bianca's help and remained friends, it hasn't been the same since we started fighting and I grew so resentful of you and I want to fix it."
I couldn't stand to look at him. So much of me wanted to get defensive and immediately pour out my side of the story—and with it my feelings for him. Instead, I prompted him so he could get it all off of his chest. "You've been thinking about this for a long time, haven't you?"
He smiled ruefully at me, "it's been eating at me since you left to go find N. I thought about how you were going through so much trouble for him. I thought about the danger he put us all in, how we could've died at the hands of Ghetsis because of him. With all that in mind it seemed ludicrous to me to keep an almost 6 year old grudge keeping our friendship tense. I'm sick of us covering the tension with Pokémon competition because really it just feels childish now that we're adults."
I blushed at the adult comment as it reminded me of Bianca's teasing over the secrecy of my feelings. I took a deep breath. It felt as if the universe had him say all that to perfectly set up for me admitting my feelings. I knew I had to do it.
I just wish I had been as eloquent as he was.
"Well you know I wasn't jealous because you wanted to spend time with someone that wasn't Bianca and I, I'm not THAT petty! I was jealous that you found Aspen worthy of dating! I drew away from you because I was embarrassed upon realizing that I had feelings for you! I 'liked you liked you' and for 13 year old me that was too much so I closed up!" I immediately blushed and felt like a Pokémon used Sucker Punch on my gut. I looked up to see his reaction, and didn't anticipate he'd do what he did.
He began to cackle, almost maniacally. I'll admit I was a little frightened.
"Cheren!?" I barely managed to squeak out, completely dumbfounded.
He finally caught his breath and regained his composure. He sheepishly smiled at me.
"I'm sorry about that. I was just taken so off guard by that, I sorta panicked…I mean I've thought you were attractive ever since I realized that girls were desirable as something more than friends."
What? This was going well? Was I dreaming?
I was completely taken aback. The genius thing I thought to say in this crucial moment was "Cheren you've known me since I looked like a boy. You knew me in my braces and acne stage. How could you possibly—"
"Well, you just admitted you had a crush on me in my nerdy, scrawny, 'four eyes' stage," he said with a grin.
You had a crush on me. Hearing the words out loud was as embarrassing now as it would've been 6 years ago.
But those words were as true now as they were then.
"While I was in Sinnoh it was eating away at me that I could travel thousands of miles from my home but I couldn't tell you my feelings for you." It became so much easier to admit now that the initial 2 ton weight was off of my chest.
"I wasn't just concerned that you were in harm's way on your journey to find N. Honestly I was a little afraid you went after him because you fell in love with him, stupid as that is." He admitted.
"Honestly, I hoped I would fall in love with him just to get my mind off of you, stupid as that is. I was honestly afraid that I'd ruin everything—our friendship dynamic, our ability to hang out with Bianca—if I admitted my feelings."
He laughed, "Trust me, if anything you've just made everything infinitely better."
The sun had set completely at this point and we were illuminated by the artificial city lights around us. A gentle breeze was blowing. It was such a movie moment—if he had kissed me right then and there I would've died from the cliché. Fortunately for my heart, Cheren was not the most romantic of men.
"So…uh…" he stuttered, adjusting his tie, "it's getting late and you'll probably want to return to Nuvema Town…but I'd like to see you again and uh you can tell me all about Sinnoh…"
It was my turn to have control over the conversation. "Are you asking me on a date Cheren?" I smirked.
"I…I guess I am," he said with a relieved laugh. "There are tons of new places from the developments Unova has undergone, I promise by tomorrow I'll have a better idea. I'll call you on your Xtransceiver with solid plans!"
"That sounds good to me!" After I spoke we had another awkward silence.
I impulsively decided that I actually could survive a kiss in this moment, so I broke the tension by playfully pulling him closer by his tie and pressing my lips on his. He eagerly responded by kissing back and wrapping one hand around my back, the other cradling my head. I no longer had to fear losing Cheren's friendship. He saw me as more than a friend as well. Bianca's words earlier were 100% correct. It was as if all the previous awkwardness had completely disappeared.
After all, we weren't in middle school anymore.
