Update 2015: I always knew that I wanted to come back to this fic because it's one of my favourite I've written. I've added scenes to some chapters, changed a couple of things in others, rewrote one chapter and added a new one. I'm really proud of how I've improved this, so I hope you enjoy and review.

Disclaimer: This kind of fic is tricky thing to write because it cans veer into suggesting that Barney's messed up because he grew up without a dad. Obviously Jerry's absence is contributing factor to Barney being how he is, but it isn't the sole cause. Basically, single mums are awesome, and to quote everyone's favourite gay-in-real-life womaniser, "I don't think that kids need a father and a mother, necessarily. I think they need male and female role models,"

T for language and angst. I don't own any song lyrics, brands etc mentioned, and obviously not HIMYM.

I seen the madness stack up through

Tarpaulin eyes

I have heard you come up

Believing your own lies

Witnessed the blessing rise up in a

Very strange disguise

-Madness, NW5

6.02- Cleaning House

July 1985

"You two put your sunblock on,"

Barney takes the tube from their mom and squeezes it against his arm. He giggles at the squelch as the cream squirts onto his pale skin, and rubs it in vigorously.

"Here, James," he chirps, passing his brother the tube.

James shrugs. "Don't need it,"

"Yeah you do,"

"I don't,"

"Do. 'Therwise you'll get cancer and die. Right, Mom?"

Their Mom looks up from lighting her cigarette to say, "Put a bit on, James. On your face,"

"But-"

"Just...okay?" Mom insists.

"Alright, alright," James relents, taking the tube of cream. Barney waits for him, then says, "You wanna go back to the game?"

They're having a soccer match in Willowbrook Park for their cousin Nathan's tenth birthday.

"Nah, I'm cool here,"

Barney shrugs and races off to re-join the match. Their friend Annie kicks the ball to him but Barney doesn't react in time and it goes sailing past him. Barney laughs and scampers after it happily like a dog playing fetch. James reflects that while his brother's decent at baseball, he's hopeless at all other sports. But Barney never seems to realise. He lives in a bit of a fantasy, which James reckons he should have started growing out of by now. He'll turn nine in the Autumn, after all.

Millie stops the game for a moment and James hears her say, "Hold up- if James is sitting out for now we need another person on Shirts. Darren, go put your t-shirt on and switch teams,"

Millie's their oldest cousin so she's obviously in charge. Darren jogs over to the tree where James, some of the grown-ups and a couple of the younger kids are sitting.

"Hi," he mutters to James, kneeling to look through the bundle of t-shirts which the Skins team dumped down earlier.

"Hi,"

Darren's three years older than James, so he's taller and has a peppering of brown hair down his legs. It's been a hot Summer so his bare chest's tanned to gold and the top of his head is blond. Barney's hair's so light ordinarily that it goes peroxide-blond in the Summer, but he doesn't tan like Darren, he burns. That's why Mom told them both to put sunblock on. James' skin doesn't burn though. Cos he's black.

He hardly ever thinks about it, but watching Darren pull his t-shirt on and run back to the match- where there are a dozen of James' relatives running around with pale arms, blond or brown or ginger hair, and the sun bouncing off their backs- makes James feel lonely. All cousins are white. His baby brother's white. His Mom's white. James is black.

They've asked Mom about it a few times but she never answers properly; only gives them a vague reply and a kiss and tells them to go upstairs to play. But James knows that he's got a black dad. Some weird gene thingy has made him totally black, not mixed race like Bob Marley. Most mixed race people look black anyway though, like Bob Marley. James' dad was black, so he's got to be a different person to Barney's dad, because Barney's about as white as it's possible to be. When they play war games he's always the Nazi (James knows that he doesn't mind that, because the Nazis always die and Barney loves acting out flamboyant death scenes). James asked Mom about his dad a couple of times and she told him it was Bill Cosby or James Earl Jones. He reckons she was kidding though. That's fine because he doesn't think about his dad much. Well okay, a bit- but not a lot. And he doesn't often think about being a different colour to his little brother and his Mom. Sometimes Mom has to explain, "He really is my son," or James exasperatedly tells a teacher, "I promise he's my brother," or people ask Barney, "Is this a friend of yours?". But loving each other is more important than looking the same, James thinks. And besides, most of their friends and cousins and teachers know now so it doesn't come up often. Hardly anybody's bothered by sitting beside the bottle of sunblock watching his pale cousins play soccer makes James feel lonely and different. Very different. He is different, there's no denying it. He loves his Mom and his brother, but they look similar to each other and James doesn't look like either of them... He isn't sure if he desperately wants to join in the soccer match again, or if he wants to stay here, separate.


September 2010

"Listen to me! There is no Yourson North Dakota! And Sam Gibbs wasn't the mayor! He might be one of our fathers,"

Does Barney realise what an idiot he sounds? James has spent his whole life tidying up after the messes his baby brother makes.

"He's not my dad, my dad's Bob Barker," Barney retorts.

"Barney! You-" James wishes they were kids again so he could hit him to shut him up, "You gotta stop believing these fairytales Mom told us! Bob Baker is not your father. Sam Gibbs might be,"

Why doesn't he get it? Barney was always slightly more interested in his father than James ever was. Once, James even remembers him saying that his dad would come back for him one day. This is as close as they're going to get to that. Why doesn't he want to meet him? Why the hell does he still reel off that stupid Bob Barker lie?

"But Bob Barker is absolutely unequivocally not your father,"

James looks him in the eye and gestures with his hands to make sure Barney's listening.

But all Barney hears is those trumpet noises in his head whenever someone's talking about something lame or boring- or that he doesn't want to hear.

He gets into the van with James, but he moans and whinges all the way to Sam Gibbs' house.


"You ready for this?"

"For what? I don't know who lives here but it's not my dad,"

But Barney can't help the nervous little giggle which follows this blasé denial. James shrugs and hops up the stairs rubbing his hands together. Then he's reaching for the doorbell without hesitation and it's all too fast and real and Barney interrupts, "Wait, wait,"

The look James gives him isn't a friendly one.

"Please- stop," Barney stutters, "Just gimme a second, okay?"

Panicked, he itches his ear and glances back at his friends. The sympathy is Lily's face stings, and Barney knows that his life for the past thirty years is crashing down

"I thought you said that he-"

"Stop, c'mon," Barney interrupts- it's weird that in a second he's become the exasperated one. He leaves a moment's pause before his next words, and the wind seems so loud.

"I know Bob Barker's not- really...y'know,"

He feels himself twitching.

"I'm not crazy," he adds to himself more than anybody else, "I just," he takes a breath, "I needed that,"

Having Bob Barker- some distant guy on the TV who didn't know or care about him, didn't know or care whether or not Barney was his son- had made him feel better. It had made him feel so much more than the kid who didn't have anyone to run for him in the Father's Race on sport's day, or the boy who had to teach himself how to kick a football because there was no daddy to show him how.

He fidgets with his tie and lapel, flicking his gaze to and from James. The words are sandstone in his mouth.

"I know it may sound stupid, but I didn't always feel so great about myself growing up, and having a celebrity dad made me feel special,"

"How come your dad's not here, Barney?"

"Oh, he's busy. He'd love to come watch, but he's working. It's his show tonight,"

"His show?"

"Yeah. The Price Is Right- you know?"

"You're Dad's on The Price Is Right?"

"Haven't I told you? Bob Barker's my Dad,"

"What, seriously?"

"Mmm-hmm. I swear to God. I've got my Mom's surname though; they thought that Barney Barker sounded dumb,"

"Wow. That's so cool. Hey, off you go, you're up next to bat,"

"But you're right, James," Bob Barker isn't his Dad, but maybe whoever's on the other side of that door will be. Barney feels hopeful- then terrified. He remembers talking to Bob Barker at the end of The Price Is Right- he bottled out because he was scared, and now he feels like doing the same. He's never wanted to meet his dad, he only wanted someone to say was his dad. He never really felt that he needed one- at least that's what he's always believed about himself. But everything Barney believes is being hurled out of the window today.

"It's time to let go of the fantasies. S'time to grow up,"

Barney hears his voice go gruff on the last words- see, he is grown up. And Mom's stories aren't grown-up, are they? He's scared and nervous and it's like there's a splinter he's had for a very long time being slowly pulled out- but he's grown up. He's going to be big and strong and brave. All his friends are here, and James; James, his big brother who has always been there for him.

"S'matter, blondie? Keeping your trap shut for once?"

He's agile and he knows he can slip past them if he gets an opening. He's a decent runner, although in truth these boys don't have it in for him in particular; they like to throw their weight around by intimidating any of the younger kids when they get a chance. Barney tries to distract them by feigning bravado.

"Pfft, yeah right. I'm not scared'a you,"

"Really?" The tall freckly boy is grasping onto Barney's shirt, "Cos you don't look too cocky from here,"

"Hey! What the hell's going on here?"

"James! This kid's been showing us a bit of cheek. Thinks he's a real charmer, y'know,"

"Let him go,"

"What the heck?"

"He's my brother. Get your hands off him, Matthew,"

The hand on the front of Barney's shirt loosens, but the boys are still towering over him.

"He's your brother? James, he's white,"

"Doesn't matter. That's my bro you're messing with, and you stay away from him. Okay?" James is glaring at them like Tom glares at Jerry right at the end of the episode when Tom's at his whit's end.

"Jees, Stinson, calm down. We wouldn't have picked on him if we knew you were his brother,"

"Well now you know don't you? So keep the hell away from him and his friends. Or you'll have me to answer to,"

James glares at Matthew's gang as they saunter away, casting dirty looks at him. Once they're gone, James cuffs Barney on the back of his head.

"For the love of God, can't you stay out of trouble for five seconds?"

"It wasn't me! They go round picking on anyone in my grade!"

"Well you don't make things easy for yourself, do you; with all your stupid lines and your magic. Keep your head down, alright?"

"Whatever, James,"

"I mean it. Don't think I'm going to stand up for you every time you get yourself into a scrape,"

James pushes his shoulder, irritated, and runs away to re-join the soccer match with his friends. Barney watches him go. He smiles to himself. How many times has James said that to him before?- and yet every time Barney's in trouble, James is there to protect him.

He'll be alright if he has James- they'll do this together. And as Barney's thinking this, James steps off the porch, mumbles, "C'mere," and hugs him hard, giving him a couple of bracing slaps on the back. Barney always thought that that was James's way of saying Come on, bro. You can do it. He hopes it is. Barney slaps James back, although truthfully it's more like clinging on.

James let go of him, gives him one last pat on the shoulder and climbs back onto the porch, fiddling with his suit buttons. He exhales heavily and Barney jitters, taking half a step forward then running his hand down his lapel then adjusting the back of his belt, then putting his hands in his pockets, fiddling with his cuffs.

James pushes the doorbell. There's no going back now.

Bing-bong! That's the doorbell.

Bambambambambambambam. That's Barney's heart.

Bambambambambambambam.

The door opens fast and he immediately stops fiddling. There's a man standing in the doorway. An old man.

A black man.

"Can I help you?"

Barney's stomach has vanished. His lungs are empty. His heart is stopped. James mumbles something which doesn't reach Barney's ears.

He's black.

"You're Sam Gibbs,"

Barney only registers it because it sounds like James' about-to-cry voice.

"Yes,"

He's Sam Gibbs and he's black and James is black and he's James' father and he's Sam Gibbs and he's saying something about Loretta and James' about-to-cry voice is back and Sam Gibbs is smiling and it's a bit like James' smile when he isn't about to cry and somebody's reached inside Barney's ribcage and is stretching his insides and prickling all over his skin and and and and James is saying something and holding that photo of them at Yourson but it's not Yourson it's Your Son and Sam Gibbs is staring at the photo and James is staring at Sam Gibbs and Sam Gibbs is saying, "You're my son," and yeah, yeah he is, he is Sam Gibbs' son and James and Sam Gibbs are hugging and laughing and James Sam Barney Mom photo Yourson Loretta Dad.

"Papa!"


"Listen."

Loretta sits down on the bed and Barney sits down beside her. She remembers doing this countless times when he was a child, and sometimes she still can't believe that her youngest son is grown-up. She reckons that sometimes Barney doesn't believe it either. Or he doesn't want to.

Maybe she's to blame for that.

"I always wanted to be enough for you boys,". He gives her a funny look. "I think that's why it always hurt when you asked about your dads; because I was always trying so hard to be both parents for you,"

What single mother doesn't?

"But I was being selfish," Loretta admits thoughtfully, "You deserve the truth". Her boys always did deserve the truth; it was just hard to give it to them. But James and Barney both faced up to important things today, so she has to as well.

"So here it is,"

He's gazing at her with that puppydog look. Her Barney Blue Eyes with his dancing eyebrows and funny-shaped ears. He deserves the truth. He deserves the world.

"Sam is not your father,"

He wobbles, shaken. "Are y'u sure?"

"Yes," Loretta confirms, nodding, "He's black, dear,"

Barney does a big, thoughtful nod as if he's had quadratic equations explained to him.

"But if you want," Loretta continues softly, "I can tell you who your father really is,"

She was always fair with her sons, and if James has met his father, Barney should have the chance to meet his. Even if James hadn't met Sam, she'd still tell them. She should have told them a long time ago. Loretta looks at the folded piece of paper in her hand with the name and address written on. Half of Barney written on that note. When he takes the paper, Loretta feels a weight simultaneously lift from and fall on her shoulders. When he tears it through, she doesn't understand.

"Barney-"

"It's okay Mom. I don't need it,"

He tosses the crumpled strips aside.

"But it's your father," Loretta insists.

"I already have a father. And his name...is Loretta,"

It takes her a moment to understand what he means, and when she does she smiles at him sadly. Her perfect imperfect baby. He doesn't need anyone but her.

She hugs him tight, and feels him rest his head on her shoulder.

It wasn't half of him written on that paper. He'll always belong just to her.


After the gang have left, James and Barney stay at the house, half-heartedly packing up and dusting while Loretta makes spaghetti bolognaise. It's the quietest Barney can ever remember this house being, and that silence only highlights the awkwardness between him and his brother. Half-brother. Brother.

He's clearing the mantelpiece, which is covered in pictures and trinkets. Mom always was a hoarder. There's school photos, photos of them with their grandparents, of Mom with her friends, of James and Tom's wedding, and lots of pictures of Eli. There's one Barney remembers taking himself, of Eli and his daddies at Central Park Zoo in the summer. There's a photo of himself as a child holding James in a headlock while James is grabs Barney's pale, matchstick legs. While wrestling, they're giggling and flashing peace signs at the camera. Barney can't remember when or where it was or who took the photo, but it's a picture he's seen hundreds of times before. Yet this is the first time he's realised how tired Mom looks, smiling wearily in the background. Barney's favourite picture is a framed photo of himself and James at a Halloween party. Barney estimates it's around 1992 or 93, so he's about seventeen and James twenty. He reckons it must have been the party of a friend of theirs from home, and James came home from college for a weekend for it. They'd thought that it would be hilarious to both go as Michael Jackson. He'd been everybody's hero since Thriller (some of their friends had seen him in concert at Madison Square), but even more so to James and Barney since Black or White had been released a year or so before the party in the photograph. 'If you're thinkin' of being my brother it don't matter if you're black or white'- that line could have been written for the two of them, and Barney liked to think that it had been. The black/white thing with them hardly ever came up anymore, but now if it ever did they could always say that if Michael Jackson thinks it doesn't matter, it absolutely doesn't matter. In the photo, James is dressed in white flares and a gaudily patterned shirt with a huge collar like the Jackson 5 wore. He's got his arm around Barney, who was going for the contemporary early 90s Jackson look; gold top and Egyptian skirt thing like MJ wore in the Remember The Time video. Barney had had long hair back then and dyed it black to complete the look. They're both holding cans of beer, and Barney's sticking his tongue out at the camera while James laughs.

Barney holds the photo frame and looks at his teenage self, drunk and happy with his big brother at a party. They were using their different appearances to make a joke, because it didn't matter. It wouldn't have mattered even if Black or White hadn't been released- they hadn't cared before that, not much anyway. Barney shuts his eyes and exhales. They've got different dads. They've got different dads, and neither of those dads is Bob Barker. He hadn't cared about looking different to his big brother, but he'd cared about having Bob Barker as his dad. Barney had accepted looking different to James and hadn't thought about it much. With Bob Barker, he thought about it a lot. When his Mom told him his dad was Bob Barker he'd believed it wholeheartedly and wholeheadedly. He believed it so much that when he got to the age when perhaps his head should have reconsidered, his heart didn't let it.

Christ, he sounds like one of Ted's stupid poets.

"You must have thought I was the biggest idiot alive when I thought I was black earlier," Barney says in a small voice.

"Wrong. I thought you were the biggest idiot alive when you thought that we could re-create Back to the Future by smashing thermometers to get the mercury out, and pouring it on a stolen shopping trolley,"

"It would have worked if the flux capacitor hadn't been made out of cardboard tubes!"

James laughs and throws the duct tape at his head. Barney catches it, sticks his tongue out at James, seals the box and takes it to the pile of boxes in the room's corner. With his back to James, he admits the other thing (okay, one of the many other things) that's been troubling him.

"I'm sorry I kind of ruined you meeting you dad,"

James walks over to him and throws his arm around Barney's shoulders, "Kid," he says proudly, "You've been ruining stuff for me for thirty years. I wasn't expecting any less of you,"

He gives Barney's shoulder a squeeze, then a thump.

"Are Eli and Tom gonna be okay tonight? I mean if you're not there?"

"Since when were you the responsible adult? It's one night," James shrugs, going back to his box, "They'll be fine,"

Barney imagines Eli, at home tonight with his dad, and looks at the floor for a long, long time.

"You alright, bro?" James asks.

"Yeah. Yeah, I- I'm gonna see how Mom's doing," Barney replies, not meeting James' eye. He escapes into the kitchen, where their Mom's grating Parmesan into a bowl. She glances at him and gives him a small smile.

"Mom..." Barney begins, not sure how the sentence is going to end.

"Mmm?"

"I...today, I...I wonder," he takes a breath, "Mom, why did you lie?"

She turns to face him and gives him the same small smile, only this time it's sadder. Barney opens his mouth to clarify that he's not mad about it, and he doesn't wish that she hadn't lied- he only wants to know why. But before he can, Loretta opens a cupboard and takes a mug out. Barney recognises it as a Christmas present from "Tyler". It's a chipped, tacky thing; little bastard probably bought it from a thrift store.

Loretta holds it out to him, "Why did you?"

When he meets her eyes she's smirking slightly, so he knows she's not trying to humiliate him or trip him up. She's pointing out the similarities between mother and son.

"I...thought it was what you wanted for me. I thought it'd make you happy,"

She gives him a look. "There's your answer,"

He half-laughs and her eyes twinkle.

"Families aren't perfect. Even your pretend family wasn't perfect. Maybe our family's not perfect because-"

"-Because we lie to each other about really important stuff?" he puts in, then adds, "Yeah- James didn't tell me about Tom until they were engaged and looking into adoption". Barney doesn't need a dad because he's got his Mom. Eli has no mom and he has two dads. Eli has no mom but he has two dads. Eli has no mom so he has two dads. Eli has no mom because he has two dads. Barney doesn't say this out loud.

Loretta smiles. "Well, perhaps we do lie to each other a lot. But remember what I told you when this happened?" she holds the mug up again, "I love you. I love you perfect family or no perfect family. And that includes our non-perfect family. We love each other and that's all that matters,"

Barney can't think of anything to say, so he puts his hands in his pockets. Very softly, Loretta kisses his cheek.

"Now go fetch your brother and wash your hands- dinner's ready,"


Thanks for reading. It's been interesting to rewrite this chapter, so please review to let me know what you though.

PS- 8.18 Weekend at Barney's: "Underneath all of those lies is one true thing, one true thing that can support the weight of all the lies in the world- and that's the fact that I love you,"- I'm on Robin's side, but you can totally see where Barney gets these ideas from, can't you?