1944-December, 31-Milkyway Galaxy-Earth-Europe-England-Hogwarts-Dumbledore's Office-On a couch…more specifically sitting on the cushion with that damn middle spring right in the ass

Chapter 1

1944-December, 31-Milkyway Galaxy-Earth-Europe-England-Hogwarts-Dumbledore's Office-On a couch…more specifically sitting on the cushion with that damn middle spring right in the ass

"More champagne, my dearest schnuggle-wumpkins," spoke Albus Dumbledore clothed in a red satin thigh–length robe.

"Yes, my lovely pumpkin-doodle-pie," said Gellert (what was J.K. on!? No wonder he turned evil) Grindelwald, "Shall we toast to another year of our love?" He held up his champagne glass filled with the bubbly liquid and sprawled his scantly clad untoned, flabby body upon the worn pleather (and yes that's with a p!) couch. He then leaned seductively forward in an attempt to show Albus how a real man wields a wand when suddenly a spring pops sending Gellert into Albus's lap. And so an awkward moment calls for an awkward entrance and the door opens revealing a very disgusted Tom Riddle.

"Gasp!"

"No, Tom, this isn't what you think!" screamed Dumbledore shoving his now agitated lover onto the floor.

"What!? Yes, Tom, yes it is!" yelled Grindelwald.

"No, it isn't!"

"Who wears the pants in this relationship?"

"You do," spoke Dumbledore.

"Yes, and you wear the banana hammock, so stay in your place and I'll stay in mine…which is behind you."

"Twitch!" screamed Tom Riddle at the top of his lungs.

Both the lovers stared at the adolescent undesired guest in shock.

"Are you speaking in verbs again? See this is why I never call on you in class!" said Dumbledore.

"Jazz hands! OMG! Guess what day it is! Jumps up and down! Come on guess!! Giggles like a school girl!"

Gellert suddenly jumps up and screams, "Me and Dumbly-dore's 30 year anniversary!!"

"Psssh no! It's my b-day! I'm 16 now. Claps!"

Dumbledore arises and ambles over to Tom and proceeds to smack him in the face, "For a smarty-pants you sure have no social skills!"

"Pouts…I do to! I have lots and lots of friends!...no wait…they're minions. Jk….Rowling! Giggles!"

"This is no time for mentioning that amazing writer that is J.K. Rowling…she wrote the Harry Potter series and she gave birth to you, me, and Albus here…that is in a literary sense. Literarily speaking, we are three men of one wand. "

"Ew! Literary incest! Oh my God, and you knew this all along! You disgust me!"

"Well, back to me! 'Cause I'm the prettiest one here…Bats eyelashes…what are we gonna do for my sweet sixteen!!" squeals Tom.

"Oh, I'll make it sweet…Muhahahha!" Grindelward spoke in a creepy, pervy old man voice as he reaches for Tom's robes.

"Now, now, down boy down…we have to wait two more years for that pretty, little piece of meat, rawr. I was thinking more along the lines of ICE CREAM!!" screamed Dumbledore, "Now, what kind does everybody want?"

"Strawberry!! It's so feminine and beautiful, oh it makes me so warm inside!" squeals Gellert as Tom gives him a strange look. "Clears throat…what I meant was," as he switches to a deeper voice, "It reminds me of vaginas…Cringes…Oh who am I kidding! It's soooooo pretty!!"

"Okayyyyy…Chocolate for me, it's all dark and mysterious…reminds me of death and destruction! Muhahahhaha!" Tom also receives odd looks from his professor and the strange gay man with the stupid name (Gellert…I mean really!...what was she thinking!) and proceeds to change his voice into a more high-pitched girly shrill, "I mean kittens and puppy-dogs…Oh god! What am I saying! I'm evil, pure evil!! Muhahahhaha!!...Gasp! I've had this great idea! I should go kill my useless Muggle father! I mean, do you think I could do it? He does have a gun…"

"I don't think you can, Tom…I'm sorry I don't believe you have the ability!" said Dumbledore, "I mean you're a good wizard but I'm only that good."

"You've never believed in me! What about that time I unleashed that giant snake on all of Hogwarts! You said I could never kill a Mudblood, but I did it and you had to give me twenty bucks!"

"Yeah that was twenty bucks I didn't have! I had to buy generic condoms because of you!"

"Wait…why did you need condoms?"

"Gellert was worried I might get pregnant and we decided we weren't ready for children."

"Why are you getting some and I'm not! I mean I'm frickin sexy! Where's my lovin!?"

"You know I could change that, wink, wink," grinned Grindelwald.

"I loooooovvvve booooobbbbsss!" said Tom looking at Grindelwald.

"Awwwww…look if I press them together…"

"Ok that's just sick! My eyes!" Tom falls to the ground twitching, "Twitch, TWITCH!!"

"Soooooo, about that ice cream…I'm feelin vanilla-y!"

"But vanilla's so borrrring and plain!" groaned Gellert.

"No, it's pure and good!"

"Yeah, like you're pure!"

"At least it's better than chocolate! That just gives me the creeps!" said Dumbledore.

"Nothing, you know nothing!!" screamed Tom in adolescent, sex-deprived anger as he stormed out of Dumbledore's office.

"I agree with Tom, chocolate is better…especially when it's smeared on sexy men's bare chests…Drools!"

"That's it, you're nothing but a dog and I can not stand it anymore! It's over! We're through!" screams Dumbledore in tears as he points to the door.

"You'll regret this someday, Albus! I will have my revenge!" yells Grindelwald as he storms out the door.