Title: THE WORLD'S A CRAZY PLACE (1/2)
Authors: Nessy & Cirglas
Classification: V R A
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: They are not ours. They belong to 10-13
productions and Chris Carter. No money is made, so please
don't sue us...
Feedback: please review!
Spoilers: Pilot, Tooms
Keywords: Mulder/Scully Romance , Scully POV
Summary: Scully reflects on her change of feelings for
Mulder
Post: Wherever (But please tell us where you're gonna post
it.)
THE WORLD'S A CRAZY PLACE (1/2)
by Nessy & Cirglas
Scully's personal journal
"Life would have been so easy without him."
This is what I tell myself. But as a matter of fact,
my life would have missed a lot. And even though
nobody would believe me if I told my story to them, it
IS the truth.
The Truth. Something I've heard about in numerous
versions. Something I've reached for but which has
elapsed me more times than I want to think. Something
I have searched for many years now. A search Mulder
taught me.
Mulder. Another name that comes to my attention rather
frequently nowadays. But Mulder and the truth belong
together. They are one. So why wonder about the
combination of both in my thought process?
So why am I so frightened of the truth about Mulder?
Or, to put it better, my true feelings about Mulder?
Yes, this has been a big problem for quite a while
now. My feelings. And I notice that it has a little
less to do with Mulder and a little more to do with
me. I am not in control of my feelings anymore.
Oh, I know. 'Control freak'. That's what he calls me
sometimes. But I need to have some control in my life. With
my kind of job there is so much out of my control already.
That's why I try to keep in control of those things that I
can, especially family and other relationships. One
relationship that I used to be able to manage is my
relationship to Mulder. But lately is getting harder and
harder to resist him: his friendliness, his comfort, his
love. Yes, I know he loves me. I am not blind. But I am
careful. I know the risks.
And there is just too much on the line.
Is there?
"I wouldn't put myself on the line for anybody but you."
Words to live by, I'd say. Words I've LIVED by.
See, it's getting harder and harder to find reasons why we
shouldn't pursue this thing between us. There is so much
we've gone through together, so much history between us which
connects us in an almost unnatural way.
Especially considering that we are such immense opposites.
It's strange that we have become such good friends. And on
the other hand again, it's not.
Yes, I admit it, I was sent to spy on him. I was there to
debunk his work, to uncover it as the illegitimate work they,
and I, in my careless disregard, thought it was.
But, needless to say, I don't do those kind of things. Go in
and destroy somebody's life work. Nope, not me. I go in and
fall in love with the person I'm supposed to spy on.
Yeah, Dana Scully, the control freak simply fell in love. The
control went right out the window. But what chance do you
have to resist, when you meet your soul mate? When your soul
mate needs you? When he falls in love with you? When you're
the only one he has to watch out for him?
Imagine my surprise. Spooky Mulder cares for the Ice Queen.
Imagine THEIR surprise. I care for HIM. Wow, I don't want to
be in Their place right now; their plan obviously backfired.
They'll have to think of a different way to get rid of him --
us.
Oh, Mulder was weird. I mean, he was a little like the crazy
professor in all those old horror movies. But I realized
something early on in our partnership: Mulder wants to right
all wrongs. Deep down in his heart he is the most selfless
person I have ever come to know.
When he told me about his sister, that was when I knew I had
to protect him from further harm. You see, he feels too much.
He is a sensitive, emotional, sweet person who desperately
wants to save his baby sister. What could be wrong with that?
So here I am, sitting and thinking about Mulder, although I
swore I would spend a nice evening without thinking about
him. Well, my own rules have been bent since the day I met
him, just like the official FBI rules. My life isn't what it
used to be anymore.
But I would never ever tell him that. He'd feel guilty
again. Just like about everything else that happens in the
whole wide world. But I won't let him. Unh-unh. I won't feed
him anymore bullets to fire on himself. That is another one
of my goals in this life. Make Mulder see that not everything
is his fault. But there isn't much of a chance I will
succeed. He'll just keep on brooding on the fact that
everybody is suffering because of him.
He even has this protective streak that originates from his
guilt lately that makes me want to shake him and yell: "Geez,
Mulder, get a grip. Other people have minds of their own.
They do all the bad stuff. Not you!"
But would he listen? No way.
When a case goes utterly wrong he is overly nice to me. Asks
if he can bring me anything, if he can do anything for me.
As if he were responsible or something!!
He doesn't see that I can take care of myself. That I don't
want him pampering me like that. And lately he just ignores
my attempt to calm him. I tell him I'm fine but he doesn't
mind his own business.
Another bad habit of his is that he takes everything so
personally. Sometimes, when we're both angry and tired I have
to really watch what I say, because I know he'll be greatly
hurt from what I'm about to say.
Oh, yes our fights can be really nasty. I'm glad that most of
the times it's so late in the evening that the Hoover
Building is almost empty, I'm sure they'd think we lost it if
they overheard us once... gosh the things we argue about...
chromosomes, DNA, astronomy and philosophic problems all
mixed together into a jumble that only we understand.
I just read this last page again and deeply regret being so
easy to distract. Instead of writing what I wanted, I let
myself be carried away with ridicule, and let myself get
frustrated about Mulder. I'm sorry. Actually I had something
completely different in mind.
I had wanted to say that I enjoy working with him, enjoy
being close. He's got a witty mind and great instincts and a
way to deduct an occurrence based on so little facts and
evidence that I could scream... whoops, here we go again.
The thing is, I know I'm not really mad at him. I'm not even
really frustrated about Mulder, I'm frustrated because I
haven't had the courage to tell him about my feelings for
him.
So what if I'm a coward?
Dana, will you ever learn? Stop running from your feelings
for him. It won't do anybody any good. It's not his fault you
are such complete opposites, right?
You two will just have to overcome that little problem and
make up for it... and oh, will he make up for it...
I think it's time to pursue those feelings of yours. Come on,
call him... Ask him over for a cup of coffee...
Ask him over to stay the night.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------End of part one. We'll try to post part two soon (No, I don't
know how soon)
Thanx for reading and please tell us what you think!
------------------------------------------------------------------------- SAVE THE BEST FOR LASTVANESSA WILLIAMS
Sometimes the snow comes down in June;
Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon.
I see the passion in your eyes;
Sometimes it's all a big surprise.
'Cause there was a time when all I did was wish
You'd tell me this was love.
It's not the way I hoped or how I planned,
But somehow it's enough.
But not we're standing face-to-face.
Isn't this world a crazy place?
Just when I thought our chance had passed,
You go and save the best for last.
