Exams week right now, and I just finished my math and history. Aced them both, oh yeah! Lol.
Yeah, I know I technically should be studying, but you guys would rather have me writing than studying, right? wink wink

HA. Just my excuse for procrastinating. But really, I had a spark of inspiration in the middle of my history final, and you've no idea how much it was a creative writing essay instead of comparing the Romans with the Hans. Yeah. Really.

So this is a DeaYza fic... a oneshot type thing, although Yzak's POV is still coming. Yeah, this is Dearka POV. Hopefully I don't have to wait for a month to update it.

Disclaimer: I bought the novelized version of Seed last week. Buying means paying money. If you own something, you don't pay for it. I don't know, you do the math.


You had no idea how much I loved you, and yet you slipped away.

And because of that, I hate you.
I hate you for not letting me tell you that I love you.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you…

No, no I don't.

Or do I?

Damn, I don't even know anymore. All I can feel is pain and bitterness and emptiness. Why, why aren't you here?

…Do you remember the first time we met? When we were still small kids? You as the son of Ms. Ezaria, and me as the son of …well, my dad? I can still recall clearly how I thought you were a girl, and I made fun of you wearing a suit. You shouted at me, calling me an asshole, and that started a little commotion in the middle of a dinner party, and we both got grounded after that.

……And then, a week later, I saw you again in my garden, and I tried to jump on you to scare you. Instead, you knocked me down with a kick, and after that, we somehow got along.

…Do you remember all those pranks we played together? Before you grew all stern because of all the tension, before all the deaths, before all the things they started to show on the news? Do you remember when we both could smile innocently, appreciate everyday life, and not be so engrossed with the war?

Do you remember when I told you that if only you were a girl, I'd make you my girlfriend? And then you flipped out at me after that? But we both ended up laughing until we practically choked ourselves to death?

Do you remember when it ended? I'm not entirely sure myself… It seemed like you laughed less and less, until all you ever did was smile, and that too was so rare. I tried to get you to smile more, laugh like those old times, by making all those stupid jokes. It worked sometimes, but not often enough. I hated seeing you like that. It was like everyday, there was something more you carried in your heart that weighed you down.

Those crystal blue eyes became jaded, and every action you made was tired. And no, it didn't help that I was your buddy since forever. You tried to keep it all to yourself, tried not to show anything, tried to keep it all to yourself…

And you know what? That hurt too. It didn't hurt half as much as this, but it still hurt a lot.

We parted when we went to college, since we wanted to go to schools in the opposite sides of PLANTS. I remember writing e-mails to you every night after doing my homework, sometimes instead of doing my homework… I suppose you never held off studying for my sake, did you? Hearing you say that you did would at least make me feel less like shit at the moment.

Of course, you had to go and be the valedictorian, while I almost barely graduated. My father kept telling me to learn perseverance from you, but I laughed it off. Right now, I'd do anything to be with you again. Even if it meant going through those hell-like years all over.

And then, we met up again after that. We were…fourteen, wasn't it? I hadn't seen you in three years…and the first thing I thought when I met you was, damn, you were pretty. Not that I said it, but I guess my face said it all. You punched me hard, and screeched in public what a stupid bastard I was.

Life passed peacefully for the next year. You seemed a lot calmer than when we parted, and we started acting like adults for the first time in our lives. I loved watching you read books with your hair tied and eyeglasses on. I don't know. It looked cute. You'd probably kill me for saying that, wouldn't you?

It changed drastically when you decided to enlist in the army, though. When you suddenly announced that over the dinner table, your mother jumped up with pleading eyes, trying to coax you out of it. I just gaped at you, like an idiot, trying to comprehend what you just said. But you stood there, unwavering, eyes telling me that you've already decided.

When I told you that I was going to enlist too, you glared at me like you wanted to kill. You called me and idiot, trying to persuade me not to go. But then, I was not that green anymore. If you were going, I was going too… that was final.

And those days in the academy that passed in a blur. It hurt watching you become so competitive, so eager to learn how to kill, how to destroy. I tried to cheer you up, but I guess it just added to the tension. You started snapping at everything, especially that Athrun Zala. I felt a little neglected, like all you cared about was him. I don't know why, it just hurt like hell.

But at the same time, I knew that our friendship was getting stronger…to the point of addiction. It was a hard time, and we all needed something to lean on. Something we knew would be there, waiting, no matter what. It was our source of comfort. I needed you, and you needed me.

Do you remember when that changed to something a little more than that? Yeah, that night.

See, this is where you're supposed to interrupt me with a smack on my head, telling me to keep my mouth shut if it had nothing better to do, the tips of your ears turning bright red.

That's why it's wrong. Nothing is the way it is anymore.

Yeah, that night.

Near midnight, someone knocked on my door. I got up, wondering if they were doing room checks this early in the morning, and if they did I was pretty much screwed. I opened the door, yawning, when something huge dropped onto my chest.

Not saying that you're huge or anything. I thought it was a huge cat. That's what I mean. It didn't take me long to realize, though, that it wasn't a cat that jumped on me, but it was you. I was going to tease you when I noticed how your shoulders were shaking, so I shut my good-for-nothing mouth and closed the door behind us.

It was then that you finally decided you could tell me what was driving you so hard. I never found what it was, but something that happened that day broke you down…and you know what? I thank god for that. Otherwise you would have killed yourself from all the tension.

Well, now that you are dead, does it make much of a difference?

It was fear, as you told me. Scared for yourself, scared for PLANTS, scared for your mother …and I almost jumped with joy when I heard this… and scared for me. You didn't want to lose anything. Then you started crying. I held you for a while, unsure what to do…but it ended up in a kiss. And much more.

Instead of you killing me next morning, like I thought you'd do, you blushed and thanked me in this teeny little voice.

After that, you were still snappy, and still easily pissed off, but you didn't have that edge anymore. You weren't going to break, and that made me happy.

You know, all I needed was you. I didn't want to go through any of this.

No, not that I'm blaming you. I just…I don't know. I'm fucked up right now, okay? And for that, yes, I blame you. If only you were here, beside me, I'd never have gotten myself in such a mess.

Why did you have to go?

It was just another battle to get the day through…what we did to get our daily bread. Yeah, figure of speech right there. Anyways. But you…my god, yes, you.

You knew I could've dodged that laser beam. Maybe with some major injuries, but I wouldn't have died. You knew that better than anyone. Why would I die before you? I totally could have gotten through that.

But you being the unpredictable, whimsical you, jumped up to shield me from that. And you being the stupid you had to take on that beam right at your cockpit.

How goddamn stupid can you get?

I watched in horror as the DUEL fell apart. You've no idea how long that seemed, or how that felt like. It was like being dragged into this dark, bottomless pit, falling, falling, falling. It was like my whole body being twisted, my heart torn out still pumping, like every bone in my body was crushed to powder. It was like… damnit, I can't go on. It was horrible. I still don't get why you had to do that.

Damnit, Yzak. Why do you have to do this to me? Why are you fuckin' dead, buried under that goddamn stone, cold, unmoving, dead? I hate you. I hate you to hell for that.

But then again, I love you too much to ever mean that. Or do I? See, again you're confusing me.

Yzak, come back. Right now. It's an order. Can't you see me killing myself for this? I need you here. What is life without you? What the hell did you expect me to do after you went? What? Why? Did you really think I'd try to continue living without you? Yeah, you always liked making high demands on other people. Damn you, Yzak.

Damn you to hell and back.