This is set post-Hiatus for Holmes and Watson, and post-Human Nature for the Doctor and Martha.


No Matter

A detective, a doctor, a would-be doctor and a Doctor walk into a bar.

"You know, I've seen and done some incredibly strange things," the Doctor said, "but this really takes the cake."

The doctor, whose name was Watson, nodded absently. The would-be doctor, whose name was Martha Jones, glanced around the filthy pub with a look of weariness in her eyes.

"I don't like this, Doctor," she said to the Doctor.

"No, I'm not liking it much either," the Doctor said. "And you two gentlemen look positively queasy."

This was directed at Watson and his companion. Both of them were looking warily at the Doctor and the young woman by his side.

"Indeed, Doctor," Sherlock Holmes said. "Forgive us, but the average person would assume this was merely a very complicated practical joke."

"It's a good thing you're not the average person then," the Doctor said.

"Well, yes."

Martha Jones went to a vacant table and sat down. Glances were thrown her way and she glared back. One by one, the men joined her.

"Um," she said to Holmes and Watson, "five minutes ago I was pretty sure you didn't actually exist."

"Well, you never used to believe in aliens either," the Doctor said brightly.

"Yes I did," Martha said. "The spaceship in 2006, remember? And the ghosts, the Daleks, the Cybermen...you keep forgetting how long this stuff's been going on."

"Then you should be used to strange stuff!" the Doctor said, pretty much dismissing her, or so it seemed to Martha. The two other men at the table just stared.

"Perhaps you could introduce yourselves," Watson said. "You are Doctor...who, exactly?"

"Just the Doctor," the Doctor said.

"You keep your name a secret?"

"Yes, I do."

Watson considered this and then turned to Martha. "And you, my dear?"

"Martha Jones. He never told me his real name either."

"You are the Doctor's..." The question hung in the air.

"Companion." Martha said. "Friend."

"And tell me, how did you accomplish the trick with the blue box?"

"It wasn't a trick." Martha said.

Watson turned to his friend. "Holmes, you have been uncharacteristically silent thus far."

Sherlock Holmes put down the pipe he had been smoking. "It pains me to say it," he said thoughtfully.

"What?" Watson asked anxiously.

"This man we see before us, this Doctor, he is not of Earth. He is, in fact, not human."

"That seems...a little much."

"Yes, detective," the Doctor said, "tell us how you reached that conclusion."

"The blue box was no trick. I examined it thoroughly while you were shaking Watson's hand and jumping up and down. I glanced inside, and what I saw through the black smoke...I have been trying for the past half-hour to explain what it was. But I can't. It's not of this world. And you are its pilot, so neither are you."

"Right," the Doctor said. "And Martha?"

"Martha is an Englishwoman from a future England, a future London, in fact. And there are freedoms there that we know nothing of. In this far-off land a woman may wear what she wishes, with little concern for modesty, and may speak proudly of her heritage and not hide it, for all races of man now live in peace."

"You're right, mostly," said Martha.

"I deduced this first by looking at that curious jacket of yours, which-"

"Oi, my turn to talk," the Doctor said loudly. "Right, we all know who everyone is. What I don't know, and what I don't like not knowing, is why the TARDIS brought us here. And why it's broken down. And..." He took a deep breath. "And why I've always thought you were fictional."

There was a pause at this.

"My dear sir," Watson finally said, "I've been publishing accounts of our adventures for years, if that's what you mean."

"No," the Doctor said. "I mean, you're actually characters from a book, where Martha comes from. Where I come from. I believe there's a movie coming out, in fact, starring Robert Downey Jr."

"Who?"

"Ooh, I didn't know that." Martha said. "I like him."

"Enlighten us, Doctor...what's a 'movie'?"

By now many in the pub were listening to this curious conversation, and the Doctor and Holmes both rose to their feet.

"We need to go somewhere more private," the Doctor said. "How about showing us the famous Baker Street?"

"I was just about to suggest the same thing," Holmes said.


On the way to Baker Street Watson stopped at a small store and returned a few minutes later carrying a package. No-one paid too much attention, as they were still discussing the big questions.

"What you are basically saying is that you being here is akin to, for example, myself being in one of those masterful tales created by Shakespeare. On the island with Prospero, or a witness to the crimes of Iago."

"Pretty much," the Doctor said.

"You are telling me that my world is not real." Holmes said. Martha thought he was dealing with it rather well considering.

"There're many worlds out there, and all of them are as real as the others," the Doctor said. His voice cracked just a tiny bit when he said that.

They reached Baker Street within minutes, and Holmes went in first, looked around, and then gestured for the others to follow.

"Our landlady is not in," he announced as they went upstairs. "It is as well, because you, Miss Jones, have been drawing a great deal of attention on the street."

"I'd noticed."

Watson stepped forward. "I took the liberty of selecting a dress for you, Miss Jones." He placed the parcel in her hands. "I know it will not be what you are used to, but it is a fine dress, I assure you."

Martha had already gathered she would have to say goodbye to her jeans and jacket. "I'll go and get changed then," she said. She picked up the parcel, turned to go, and hestitated. "You don't have to call me Miss Jones. Martha's fine."

"Then Martha is what we'll call you." Watson said.

Martha went upstairs. She was careful not to touch anything, but she couldn't help but look. After she had changed into the dress she turned to the table and examined the test tubes. She wondered what was in them, and was about to reach out and take one when the door opened and the Doctor came in.

She stood up.

"Nice, isn't it?" she said. "The dress."

The Doctor ignored this. "We're in a parallel universe."

"Right."

"That's why the TARDIS broke down."

"Right."

"It's happened only once before, when I went to a different place and many...bad things happened there."

"Right," said Martha, wondering where this was going.

"It's not too much of a stretch to imagine that in this world there's characters we think are fictional. I mean, imagine an idea...it floats from one world to the next, ends up a story in one world and fact in the other. Who's to say we're not fiction, somewhere?"

"Doctor, that's a little too...much...for me." Martha said. Her emotions were at war in her mind.

"No, just think! Somewhere in our world an author, Doyle in this case, gets an idea. And here is where the idea came from. Where all those things really happened. Isn't that just...wonderful?"

"Yes." Martha said. But now there was an idea in her head- the idea of not even being real. It chilled her.

"You'll be able to get the TARDIS back, right?"

The Doctor ignored the question. "You do look nice." he said.

"Doctor, please."

"Yes, I can fix it, you'll be home in no time."

"You're sure you can?"

"Of course! What do you look so worried about? We can stay here for a while, it's fun! We've made some new friends, we can sample the food, we can go visit the Queen...I met her once, you know."

"Doctor, I haven't had fun in a while," Martha said.

"What? What do you mean? We've had fun, surely?" His voice cracked just the tiniest bit. "Like that time with the nanogenes. Do you remember that? They ended up in a bucket! A bucket!"

"Well, yeah, okay, there was that. But then right after that," Martha said with a hint of helplessness in her voice, "we went to 1913."

The Doctor paused. For quite a long time. "It turned out alright," he said finally.

"Doctor, we've only just left there. For me it's been less than a day since we were there, yeah? And now we're straight into the same thing."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that I'm stared at and stared through and insulted and ignored. And I don't like it."

The Doctor looked at her. Then finally he got it. "Oh! Right. Sorry."

"You're this time traveller who knows everything about everything and you don't know that." Martha said, very nearly accusingly. "I don't want to stay here very long. Those two are nice but I still don't want to. You saw the looks I got."

"Alright," the Doctor said. He got up and went to the door. Then he turned back and said desperately, "That one time with the nanogenes, though, wasn't that fun?"

"See you later, Doctor," Martha said.