THIS STORY HAS JUST BEEN UPDATED TO THE DIRECTOR'S FINAL EXTENDED WORKMAN'S CUT!
It was another depressing cloudy day in the city of London, France. Nathan Drake had long retired from the dangerous life of treasure hunting after a nasty experience searching for the lost country of Yamatai resulted in the loss of one strand of his beautiful physics defying water defying hair. He had since brought the Pelican Pub, whose previous owner had mysteriously vanished after some punk in a suit and an old geezer in a suit beat up the bartender and all the patrons. The culprits were suspected of being the London Baldhunters, an extremist group dedicated to eradicating balds especially British balds and had never been found. Nathan Drake wondered why.
The pub was empty these days, and he only made every month's rent by a sliver. No one came to the Pelican anymore, it was sure to become either the dodo or the Native American of the London pub scene. It was like a bad omen, the day that his old rival Lara returned to town. The economy suddenly tanked, and at first it had been fun watching his rival businesses close down. Marston & Son's fell once the son took over, the people left the Assassin's Weed Den and the Call of Cannabis under complaints of "every new yearly batch of 'special' weed felt exactly the same" and DeWitt's suffered a rather bizarre and irrational closing despite its success when its owner decided he wanted to focus on smaller "redrinkable" booze. Right now, Nathan Drake passed his time talking to his old flames on the phone, although none of them really wanted to see him.
"You're lying to me, Rika! Stop accusing me! It's not my fault you weren't in Uncharted 3! Eric from Naughty Dog assured me that you no longer fit in the Uncharted universe! Eric would never lie... that's Arne from Naughty Dog's job! What... don't say that Rika! Rika... you insensitive bitch... you are tearing me apart!" And with that he slammed down the payphone breaking it into two symmetrical pieces.
Nathan Drake poured himself another shot of hard whiskey. It wasn't fair, how in the course of just two years he had gone from the unstoppable uncharted star to a down on his luck bartender. He thought he could've continued treasure hunting for the rest of his life but that incident trying to find Yamatai forced him to realize the illusion he had been living in. When his hair was dangling by a thread, he knew that he had to get out. And now here he was. There was no more being thrown out of trains, no more being drugged, but no fucking shit he missed all that. It was actually exciting and he had an excuse to beat up the people who didn't like his witty remarks. The only thing he now did was pour drinks every other three weeks, reach for a ring by his neck that was no longer there, and write more alimony and bastard support checks than he cared to count. For example, Elena had permanently broke-up with him after their what twelth divorce and reconciliation in a row. Well, getting Chloe pregnant on their twelfth wedding day didn't help, but fuck Elena Nathan Drake decided, he was losing hair. And the hair mattered to him much more than Fisher ever did. He sighed. One day, he promised, he would stop paying these ladies their alimony checks or child support checks until they started talking nicer to him because their mean words really hurt.
Nathan Drake walked over to the beatdown record player, shifting through the racks of vinyls that he had "borrowed" from Flynn the day after Flynn mysteriously vanished in Shambhala. Flynn's family had been grieved naturally, but Nathan assured them that he had absolutely nothing to do with the death of his close friend even though the family knew that the once doting buds were experiencing fricftion. With no one around, he could finally put on the music he wanted to hear with no one to object. That was the one benefit of having no customers. Just as he was about to scratch his favorite Tom Jones song, "It's Not Unusual" and dance the Carlton, he heard a mysterious plunk that sounded just a bit like a guitar. Coming from the kitchen.
Well, about time he got to do something today, Nate decided. Probably just a rat or another feral cat colony.
But there was no rat or a cat monstrosity today. Instead, there was a middle aged man on a stool propped up between the ovens and sanitation closet strumming away on an acoustic guitar. His brow was wrinkled, ridges had formed beneath his gazing eyes. The man's skin seemed to have shrunken in on himself. Worst of all, Nathan deduced, he had A BEARD. Oh god, facial hair was Nathan Drake's bane, himself never bringing himself to grow more than a bit of fuzz. And furthermore, he would've killed the man for his stupid hair alone if it hadn't been for English gun control taking away all his guns.
"Great, financially strained, and now there's a random hobo in my kitchen. I swear to God, if Miranda's around the next corner.." Nathan Drake shuddered as the man stood up and set the guitar aside. He strode over to Nathan, until their eyes were only centimeters apart.
"I am David. I will eat you."
And then David smiled, baring his teeth. "Uh, yeah. Keep smiling, asshole. I'll see you soon."Nathan told him.
"I don't think so." David took out a machete.
"Um... can I at least get my last meal in?"
"Sure. Do whatever you like. But remember... come back here when you're done. I'll be waiting." David smiled. "Don't try runnin.' You've got a special scent on ya... I'll know and I'll find you."
Nathan ran screaming from the kitchen, shutting and barring the door behind him. He quickly grabbed his iPhone 6, hitting up the number for the man who had given him guidance all these years.
"Goddamnit Nate, I thought I told you not to call me at work." A grizzled Irish voice greeted him with utter disdain from the other end.
"Sully, this is important There's this weird hobo in the kitchen and he said he's going to eat me! I'm scared."
"Goddamnit, Nate. After four games and two comics, I think you'd have learned by now! Just shoot the goddamned loiterer in the head and make a wisecrack while you do it!'"
"C'mon Sully, I'm living in London, not L.A.! The police might actually arrest me for vagrant manslaughter!"
"Have you tried politely asking him not to eat you?"
"How the hell is that going to work?"
"Goddamnit, Nate. I am not your father, and you are grown up! Figure it out yourself!"
And Sully hung up. Hmm, was that Chloe in the background giggling? Nathan wondered. Sully, you dirty Paddie...
"Yeah, easy to say when your best piece of firepower isn't a water pistol and the only people you have to talk to are nice, soft girls that used to be mine!" Nathan cried. "And this leaves me only one option... not Charlie Cutter because Cutter would only get himself killed against this freak-a-saurus. Flynn's in pieces... Eddy's for dinner, Chloe is still not returning my calls, and as for Spyder... well, I never was too fond of those people who fought memes with memes."
Nathan flipped through the ad section of the paper.
"Ooh... magic. I like that."
"Now, Nathan. I must warn you, my fees do not come light especially when exorcism is involved. And I doubt you are in the situation to pay me what you will owe me."
"Talbot... I was wondering. How exactly are you still alive? I mean, I shot you in the head and you fell into a sinking sand city..."
"Stunt doubles, Nathan. I suggest you look into hiring one you vain fruitcake. That, and life-size cardboard cutouts."
"So right after I shot you, you somehow swapped yourself out for a cutout Talbot while falling to your death..."
"I am quick with my hands. And to be honest, you never shot me in the head at all. It was one of my stunt doubles, I remember his name as Steve. I was enjoying a tropical getaway in Cuba for the majority of the third game."
"Yeah, I get it, Talbot. But quit it with the badass magician of black magic routine. Talbot, you're just a snide poorly developed asshat in a suit that not even the writer of the third game can properly excuse. Just get rid of that... that... thing and we'll sort things later, okay?"
To which Talbot responded. "I prefer you begin making payments now. Otherwise... I'll tell everyone your real name."
"Geez, fine." Nathan pressed several pounds into Talbot's greedy hands and Talbot headed into the kitchen.
David was playing his guitar again, striking out a moody rendition of an unfamiliar tune. "This is a song called For Ellie. The sweet sugarplum who broke my heart." He wiped a tear from his eyes. "It still stings me where it matters, even to this day." He pointed at his heart at Talbot. "Have you ever loved someone that much?"
"There was once a lovely old gentlelady who took me out of the gutter and handed me a mop and a bucket and we were hooked from there on out. I will never forget old Kat, but I am not here to discuss my former love life. I am here to take the trash out and get paidnlaid. And by trash, I mean you. Whoever you ar-" And David instantly rushed up to Talbot, staring him deep in the eyes while feeling him all over to see where the meat was the tenderest.
"I am David. I will eat you." His lips extended into a smile.
"Yeah, eat this instead, uncivilized Yankee scum." Talbot flipped him the V. To which David promptly leaned forward and bit off both of Talbot's fingers.
"Pffah! Merely a flesh wound!" proclaimed Talbot. "And with a simple spell, I will undo the effects of your foul assault!"
Talbot said some magic words. "Worg kcab, sregnif!"
Nothing happened.
"Um... hocus pocus?" Talbot weakly croaked. David simply smiled, beckoned for Talbot to come at him. Talbot ran screaming from the kitchen.
"Nathan, Nathan!" He hollered hysterically. "This is evil too great even for me! And remember, in case you survive this, I also do birthday parties!" Talbot screamed as he fled outside, and the sound of cars crashing was heard as Talbot's scream were abruptly cut off.
"Well, fuck. I knew I should've hired that more expensive Constantine fucker instead. You know, Nate, one day you are going to have to stop cheaping out when it comes to crap like this." Nathan shook his head as he heard David advancing towards him.
Well, defeating this monster via magic definitely didn't go as planned. How could he manage to defeat David on his own? This was an evil facing him greater than any villain he had ever face.
To defeat David, he would have to be one with no fear...
That was it! No fear!
He could defeat David... if he believed in himself and could bring himself to overcome fear...
There was only one final hope he had. But he had sworn them off years ago, because of that time he ate too many and everyone made fun of him for years. But they had saved his life once, and perhaps they would save him again. He reached into his secret gun cabinet that had no guns, snatching the boxes filled with a joyful assortment of sprinkles and frosting with some additional articles for extra protection. The urge to rip them apart and gorge down was overwhelming, but Nate used the bulk of his strength to beat the beast back. It was now or never.
"On glazed days, on sprinkled nights, no deliciousness shall escape my sight! Let all those pastries beware my might, Doughnut Drake's appetite!"
And there was a sudden flash of lightning and the smell of sugar in the air as something happened to Drake!
David was wiping his mouth of Talbot's blood as he held his machete firm in his other hand. Talbot's fingers had just been the side dish. There was something special about this Nathan he had tracked down. The man in all aspects was a stranger, but there was this uncanny connection David felt to the man. He had seen the man in his dreams, along with other bizarre figures. A whiny crybaby in a hoodie who played with toy knives, a stout man with an umbrella fetish, a black and red assclown who just couldn't shut up, a prince of some middle eastern land, he had seen all these in his dreams and had been greatly disturbed at them. But he knew that everything happened for a reason, and this must've been the Lord's sign for him to track down and sever his connection to these wayward souls through some nice nice human chicken dinner. And he started with the one whom he felt closest. But he wasn't expecting to find Nathan Drake right in front of him, wearing a bizarre pair of red goggles in front of him equipped with a wrench in one hand and a paw-print emblazoned shield in the other. On his head with a nice fur cap stitched from a million dead bandicoots. Most bizarrely, Nathan Drake's body had swelled to enormous widths and he spoke in a much deeper voice. And faster than lightning, Nathan Drake produced two pink boxes.
"Um, David, I have a new offer!" Nathan Drake smiled at him with a salesman's charm. "I'll give you all the doughnuts you want in exchange for my life!"
"No!" David snarled at him. "Only all the doughnuts in the world could quench my hunger!"
Nathan Drake smirked and hit a secret button on the wall. The wall opened up, revealing all the doughnuts in the world. "Your move."
"Everything happens for a reason." David realized to himself. Perhaps it wasn't his destiny to eat the other men of North, but to unite them against a common enemy he had also seen in his visions from the Lord. "Say, Nate. Have you seen a little girl around these parts? 5'4, red hair, lovely green eyes, a scar on her left eyebrow, and freckles? She's very special to me. And a mean man stole her from me. Help me find her, and I promise I won't eat you."
"Okay." Nathan Drake released his doughnut powers, restoring his normal body and voice.
"But there are others we must find first. For our enemy, the Texan, as we speak is gathering followers to his side as well. And we must prepare for he has become as great as us in recent years."
"As long as it doesn't involve clowns, I'm fine with that."
"From this day forward... we are the Kingdom of North!"
Nathan Drake and David ripped off their sleeves and have a bro hand-shake, their muscles bulging to super size as they grasped palms.
From that day forward, David and Nathan Drake roamed the world to unite the Kingdom of North (even random soldier #35 and background civilian #5235) so that David would reunite with his lost love. They didn't all get along at first but with the power of training and high-fives they became an unstoppable fighting force. Along the way, they battled and triumphed over many smaller enemies to gain strength until their collaborative power level was beyond nine trillion. They lopsidedly lashed the Lowenthal Legion, downed the Downes Dominance, and blew up Blum's Battalion. However, there were others whom they "negotiated" with like Hale's Heroes and Strong's Stronghold which increased some of their other "stats." One day they would confront their enemies the Baker Confederacy to take Ellie back from the nefarious selfish murderer Joel... and the world would never be the same after that fateful clash...
If you're interested in reading more adventures of David and Nathan Drake and how they met the other members of the Kingdom of North or about their battle against the Baker Confederacy, STAY TUNED FOR MORE IN 2046
