(Originally posted 25/08/13)

A/N Cast your mind back.

-OOO-

BEFORE.

I'm in there me. Proper in. With Brendan. Brady. Me boss.

He's been let down at the last minute, by his mates, all of 'em. So I've offered me services.

To him.

Tonight.

As a mate.

We're gonna go out on the lash. On the town. Together. On the pull.

It'll be a mate-date.

I almost told him this, but then I saw this look on 'is face, kinda intense and I fort better of it.

He's doing me a favour too mind. Letting me off my shift later, which I could do with ditching, cos I'm still knackered from last night's lads night out. We went to the casino. Me and him, and Danny Houston and Jacqui McQueen. It was wicked. I didn't want to let on, but I've never seen so much money in my life. Thousands there were. Everywhere.

Every time Danny won, (an' he won a lot), he'd hand Jacqui a different coloured chip to keep. She must've thought all her Christmases had come at once. I wish I'd had someone to show off to; but Brendan had said Rae, me girl, well me almost girl, was too young to come wiv us. She was dead upset, but what can you do? He's the man. His rules. His house.

That's wot I like about him the most.

He's in charge.

Masterful.

He's the boss. Nothing gets past him.

He can be a knob with it too though. He's punched me before now. Square in the face. Said it wore for sticking my nose into his business. He was right, I were; but see he's not exactly Snow White on that front and I fort he were using Carmel McQueen as a drugs donkey. Getting her to do his dirty work for 'im. I wanted to save her; she didn't need the type of grief she'd get if she got nicked. I don't know if it did any good, but he seems to have stopped using 'er now. Good.

At the time I thought he were out to get whatever 'e could for 'imself, but now I know he wos just trying to get as much as he could for his sick son.

He's a dad see.

Like me.

His wife Eileen from Ireland turned up, asking for money. For treatment. If there's anything that could break your heart quicker than knowing that your kid is ill and you can't help them, then I'd like to know what it is. He was ducking and diving with good reason.

I get that.

You do whatever works.

Been there.

It was easier to nod and say "hiya" to him each day, after I knew that. After I knew the real him.

I began to like him. Still I think I like 'im more than 'e likes me, which is why tonight is gonna be ace.

See I'm gonna get him to like me.

So that 'e can trust me.

So that we can be mates.

I could do with one of those.

-OOO-

AFTER.

No no no no no. Shit what the hell happened? How the hell did it go so wrong?!

Look, listen; this is NOT what I had planned.

Let's get one thing straight.

I am not like that.

Right let me get my breath back.

Wha' happened when?

Let me go over it.

7pm: All was fine. I was on time me; didn't want to let him down like his mates. I'd even managed to get an hour's kip this afternoon. I wouldn't say I was fresh, but I was up for it.

7.10pm: We left on time. We got the bus into town as we were going to be having a skin-ful. There was a hottie on the ride out. Red-head. Big…. ringlets. Way out of my league but I pointed her out to Brendan. He didn't think much of her, which was weird cos she was a proper sort; but that was ok cause the night was young. Couldn't have him copping off this early, where would that leave me eh?

7.50pm: Our first watering-hole was rammed. Even though it was only Wednesday, everyone was front-loading in a cheaper pub, before hitting the clubs. Despite it being packed Brendan just walked right up to the bar and got served straight away. I stayed close. I wanted people to know I were with him. We moved on after a swift couple.

8.30pm: This bar was louder than the last. Brendan got to the bar then 'ad to lean in close to me, to yell in my ear. All the hairs stood up on the back of me neck. I felt this weird shooting star run down my back too.

He'd left his wallet at home like a dork. He was skint now. I told him not to worry; I still had my tips on me. We'd be ok for a bit. I thumped him on the arm (which was quite firm) and called him an idiot. Our employer-employee relationship had just been flipped on its head. I was now taking care of him. He didn't seem to mind.

9.20pm: We seemed to settle into a rhythm. Brendan would make his way to bar and then let me slip under his arm to place our order. Our order, mine and his. Once or twice he left 'is arm around me shoulders, it was heavy and light at the same time.

We didn't really chat up any birds. The deal was only those rated eight or over were worth a shot. I saw a few eights, but Brendan down-graded them to sixes. He wasn't fussed, so I wasn't fussed.

Anyway I'm not made of money. It ran out. Shame cos I was enjoying me-self but now we'd 'ave to call it a night. Who knows when we'd get to hang out again? Brendan though, he said we could go back to his and carry on where we'd left off. How magic was that?

10pm-ish: (I think, not sure) I felt like dancing now (always do after a few), I suggested going to the club, free entry, free drinks, what's not to love? but Brendan said it would be a Bus man's holiday, whatever that is. He laughed at me (what's so funny?) said he didn't realise how young I was. I'm old enough me.

I've got kids.

I'd never been to his and Cheryl's gaff before. It was very pink…. and purple. He said she was away at a hen do with Lyndsey. We'd have the place to ourselves. Cool.

Good news, Brendan found 'is money, he'd left it on the side, by the whiskey.

He had whiskey. Irish like him.

I said no to it at first. I can't handle it, makes me lose my head; but Bren wasn't taking no for an answer.

Bren, yeah I know. I'd called 'im that earlier on and he seemed ok with it. It's got a good ring to it.

Feels nice on your tongue.

See now things get fuzzy. We had a drink, drinks. I could get used to that stuff of his. It's smooth, seductive and silky. It loosened my tongue. Made me want to talk.

So I did.

Told 'im this was mad. Me and him. Out together. Said that a coupla weeks ago I was the employee he most liked to have a go at, (I ducked back a bit then, didn't want to remind 'im how he used to feel about me). Said he didn't hang out with Rhys like this did he? Or Jacqui (sore point that though seeing as they had had a thing). Said I didn't see him as my boss anymore. Had to backtrack though, asked 'im if I could say that now, or had I said too much? He said I could say whatever I liked (suddenly it was hot in there). I almost did you know, open my mouth again, to say whatever I wanted. Ye see I can't stop me, when I get going. Rae says I can talk me-self into the middle of next week; but it's good to talk innit? Better out than in, I read that somewhere.

-O-

I felt all warm and soft on the inside. Bren actually said that he liked me more than Rhys (maybe). That I'd proved me-self, ('ave I? Really?) This was turning out to be a good night. It's a shame we didn't pull as that would've made it a great night. Usually all I do is look after me kids (don't get me wrong, I love 'em I really do) but tonight I could've done with some old-fashioned grown-up company, ye know what I mean?

Brendan said he did.

See now I 'ave to be careful. I've got to really think about what happened next.

Bren said I needed another top-up.

I said I'd get it….and then… I was up and then I was down.

I was laughing.

So was he.

I wasn't hurt as Bren was cradling me neck. To protect me.

I couldn't stop laughing ….and staring …and breathing heavily.

I'd never noticed his eyes before. They're blue. Like mine; but tonight they were mainly dark. Were mine?

I got the feeling that I was waiting for something. I just couldn't remember what it was. If I stared at Bren maybe he'd help me.

He didn't.

I wasn't laughing now. I was copying.

Brendan had cupped my cheek (to support me) and like in the game of Simon Says, I copied him.

His stubble grated my hand. I couldn't stop staring.

I was breathing in his whiskey fumes. I was getting drunk on him.

I watched the vein in 'is forehead pulse. My heart rate joined in.

Then I saw his lips, (lush, no, yes, no, YES).

I couldn't look away.

I couldn't move away.

So I moved nearer.

Yeah but it wasn't me I swear, it was someone shaped like me that kissed Brendan.

Someone else felt hot lips.

Someone else felt a scratchy moustache.

The screaming in my head turned to laughter.

I stopped breathing.

Then the spell broke.

The thread snapped.

Brendan dropped me.

"Did yis, did ye just kiss me?!

NO NO NO NO!

"What do ye think ye doing?"

"I just …. I'm sorry."

"Go. Now. Go."

"I'm going."

I went. I've never went so fast in my life.

-OOO-

The thing is I'm home now, and me head's proper wrecked. It won't stop spinning and my lips won't stop tingling. They've retained the heat. His heat. I've splashed cold water on me face, but it's not helping.

I'm dead I know that.

I'm gonna get battered for sure. No question.

Me job's gone. Of course.

Amy'll go mad.

The kids will go short.

All 'cause I….. I what? All because I fort I was being asked a question. It felt like he was asking me to… I felt like I was being drawn to.… I can't even say it, it's so stupid.

It's madness.

I know I were drunk, but not that drunk. I'd never be that drunk, (but someone else was.)

It's just another case of Ste strikes again. I'm looking back on another brilliant decision. Ever since I've met Brendan, I've made nothing but good decisions. I need someone to set me straight, to hold me upright. To be on my side for a change. If I live past tomorrow, maybe that person will be Rae. I've messed her around so far I know, but that's all stopped now.

We'll go out. Properly. I'll take care of her. Naturally.

I'll never have to think about Brendan Brady ever again.

It'll all be good.

It will.

Things will pick up, just you wait and see.

-OOO-

Comments are always appreciated.