Dad, We're Gay!
Summary: Stan and Kyle need money. And apparently, being gay sells. Star of David. Style.
Warning(s): Crack (just based on the premise), Might be OOC
Author's Note: Or how a quick way to cash in turns into a journey of self-discovery for Kyle. Yup. Inspired by the Tweek x Craig Episode where people just kept giving them money. They're their canon age in this, since I wanted to address all of Season 19 and stuff.
Part One
"Damn dude. I'm so bored," Stan groaned. It was a particularly uneventful day in South Park and though Kyle appreciated the fact that all was calm after all that shit that happened with gentrification and ads trying to take over the world (although their plan made no sense – the economy didn't work like that and Kyle thought people would finally understand after he basically put himself in eternal debt but apparently not), Stan was right. It was so fucking boring.
Kyle turned to look at Stan, who was lying flat on his bed, giving the gray ceiling a blank stare, and sighed. Usually they would be content and comfortable with each other's company that it didn't matter what they did together but it hadn't been that way recently. Their relationship has been a little strained ever since they allowed their distrust for each other drive them apart, to the point where they aimed guns at each other's head. Although, to be fair, guns had been all the rage then and really, everyone had been pointing guns at each other, so it wasn't that bad. It might sound defensive but Kyle knew he wasn't at fault when he suspected Stan and his father. He might have gotten tricked by Leslie, might have been on the wrong side of the whole war and everything but his heart had been in the right place, like it's always been. There had been a nice (or at least he had thought she was) girl that needed help and apparently trusted him when nobody else seemed too… and she had also been against PC Principal who constantly harassed Kyle. So of course he had wanted to protect her. She had thought he was cute as well, which particularly endeared her to Kyle since he still held insecurity from when the girls made the list that named him the ugliest in class.
When she turned out to be the bad guy, Kyle had been shocked at first but in the end, he didn't really care that she was dead and gone, nor did he care that she had lied to him and he fell for it. All he was really upset about was that he had been wrong and that Stan was right. Kyle had thought it through and Stan's father being at fault just made sense. That would explain why Stan turned on him, started finding his speeches tiring and repetitive when he had been so supportive just a month ago. He had wanted that to be the reason why they had been growing apart. But now it seemed that the real reason was that Stan was growing tired of him.
So Kyle did what he usually did whenever he felt that they were growing apart, the only reasonable thing he knew how to do. He distanced himself from Stan and hung out with other people. After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder. In the past, he would go to Cartman because he was always more bearable when Stan wasn't around (weirdly enough, since Cartman loved to boast the fact that he hated Kyle way more than he did Stan) but he'd been hanging out more with David recently since he was a nice guy, he hated Cartman and he did not stop Kyle when he ranted in his direction. Everything that Kyle wanted in a friend.
He still hung out with Stan. Duh. No matter what, Stan was still his best friend, even though things were growing more and more awkward between them, with both of them ignoring what happened. Kyle thought it would blow over easily, like it usually did but that didn't seem to be the case. They just didn't seem to know what to do with each other anymore.
Kyle replied, "I dunno, man. Whatever, I guess. I sort of want to watch a movie. You know, that new one coming out?"
Stan nodded, starting to perk up, getting up from the bed to look at Kyle. "Sounds cool. Is it out already?"
"Should be. I'm pretty sure I've started seeing reviews for it online."
"Well, that's great then! We've something to do," Stan said with gusto, heading towards his closet to get his coat and stuff ready when Kyle stopped him in his tracks.
"I've no money though," Kyle said, frowning. "And there's no way my mom would give me money for this movie. No way, dude. It's a lost cause."
Stan paused at that and was silent for a moment before he said, "I've no money either. Damn. But I think I've got an idea."
He turned to face Kyle with a conspiratorial look on his face. "Let's say we're gay," Stan whispered, as if it was some genius idea that he couldn't chance anyone else hearing.
"What?" Kyle asked, confused out of his mind. "How'd that help anything?"
"Well, you know. Like I've heard that Craig and Tweek got lots of money when they came out. If we do it too then we're all set." Stan seemed entirely convinced with his idea. Kyle thought the idea sounded bad. Very, very bad.
"Dude, not cool. We can't lie! I mean, Craig and Tweek are actually gay. It'd be so unethical! We'd be like, undermining their relationship or whatever. And aren't you still dating Wendy? I don't want her to come after me if she thinks I somehow stole you from her. She'd kill me!" Kyle said. He actually hadn't thought Craig and Tweek's relationship was legitimate at first; he had researched about 'Yaoi' and it was clear that the concept was entirely detached from reality but then they had their huge break up and got back together and that was what finally sold Kyle on it.
"Don't be silly Kyle," Stan said, shaking his head. "I don't mean we have to tell the whole town or anything. I'll just go tell my dad. The PC shit will finally be good for something. Then after we get the money, we'll go watch a movie and after a few days, we'll tell him we broke up and we were just confused. Easy! No one else will need to know."
Kyle bit his lip in contemplation. Was this really such a bad idea? They weren't harming anybody. And they could really use the money for the movie…
"Fine," Kyle finally said. "But you're telling him."
Randy was having a perfectly fine day, lying on the sofa, watching MasterChef and sampling only the finest of wines. But that was before Stan and his little friend came up to him, holding hands, with nervous expressions on their face.
He just knew his day was going to turn weird.
"Dad," Stan said, his voice meek. "I gotta tell you something."
"Shoot." His eyes were still glued to the TV though. They were on an intense challenge round and Randy would be damned if he was going to miss it.
"Uh… okay then." Stan took in a huge breath. "Dad, I'm gay. Um." He held up his and Kyle's linked hands. "We're gay."
Randy almost took a spit take. Almost. He wasn't a character on some comedy show, after all. But still…
"What?" He asked, eyes now on the two boys.
"We're gay, dad." Stan reiterated.
Randy started to laugh hysterically. He knew it. Oh damn it; he just knew Stan and his friend would turn out fruity for each other. That's why he warned Stan about it two years back. But he knew better now. They didn't have a choice. The Japanese were just doing their jobs. Randy already knew that he would be the most supportive parent in South Park when his son came out but honestly; he hadn't thought it would be so soon.
"Oh. Well—that's great, son!" Randy said enthusiastically. "Are you guys happy together? Gonna be out to everyone?" Randy sort of hoped they would. Then maybe they would beat Tweek and Craig as the town's best couple. He would be able to brag to the guys—both the other fathers and the PC frat kids—about his progressiveness then.
Stan shuffled his feet, giving Kyle a quick questioning glance before his eyes darted back to his father. "We're happy together. But, you know, we've just started… uh, testing the waters so we don't want anyone to know yet. Just you, dad. 'Cause I… trust you."
"I'm honoured, Stanley." Randy said, truly touched. To think his son trusted him the most, that he chose him to come out to first. "Really. I love you, son. You know what?" Randy's eyes were starting to tear up as he brought out his wallet. "I want you to know that you have a really cool, supportive, PC dad. Here's a hundred dollars. Go have a nice date with your fri—I mean, boyfriend!"
"Wow, thanks dad!" Stan exclaimed, taking the hundred-dollar bill from his hand before rushing to the front door, pulling Kyle along behind him. "I'm sure glad that I came to you."
"Of course you are son. Of course you are." Randy said as he watched Stan and Kyle disappear once again. Man, every kid in South Park probably wished their dad were as cool as him. Randy nodded to himself before returning to his cooking programme.
"Dude, he totally fell for it!" Stan said with glee. They were on their way to the cinema and Stan waited until they were a fair distance away from his home before saying that.
"Yeah, I can't believe it worked!" Kyle said. "I mean, you weren't even that convincing. I guess we're lucky your dad's stupid, huh?" Kyle was absolutely glad that his hypothesis that Stan's dad was easily manipulated still held true. Seriously, he was such an obvious option if someone wanted to take over the world but didn't want to do all the dirty work.
Stan shot him a glare. "Hey. Don't call my dad stupid. He might be a little naïve…and he's done a lot of dumb things but dude, he's still my dad. You don't like it when Cartman makes fun of your mum. Don't make fun of my dad. You've been so hung up on him ever since the Incident."
See what Kyle meant when he said they wouldn't talk about what happened? They even had a name for the thing that shall not be named. The Incident, with a capital 'I' and everything. In the past, Stan wouldn't even blink if Kyle called his father stupid. Stan did it on a daily basis, even. So what changed?
Kyle actually felt offended. Not only did Stan just liken him to Cartman (which would be an insult to anyone) but he also seemed to forget that Kyle had a good reason for disliking his dad. Cartman was just being an anti-Semitic asshole whenever he insulted Kyle's mum but Stan's dad had actually wronged Kyle, by sneaking into his room, messing up his already messed up hair, tying him to a tree and drawing dicks on his face. "Says the one who came up with plan to trick him. I'll try my best to ignore the fact that you just compared me to Cartman of all people. But dude, I'm not 'hung up on him'. I just—never mind. Let's just go for that damn movie…"
They now walked towards the movie theatre with an awkward silence hanging around them. Kyle sighed. Looks like he just killed the good mood. And just when he thought they could put everything behind them.
A week after Stan and Kyle 'came out' as a couple to Stan's dad, Kyle received a call from Stan.
"Hello?"
"Kyle, dude. We have to fake our break up, like right now!" Stan said, an urgent tone in his voice.
"Huh?" Kyle said, confused. "Can't you just tell your dad that we broke up or whatever? I mean—we're nine. He can't have expected our 'relationship' to last. And anyway, what's the rush?"
"I dunno. My dad wants me—us—to come out to the town. Said that there's 'no shame' in it. That our town was 'super progressive' now, so there's 'no need to be afraid'. I told him that we're really not ready yet but he was insistent. I'm scared that he'll tell everyone himself… starting with your parents."
"Oh shit, you got to be kidding me!" Kyle cried out. He was fine with his parents thinking he was gay—though his mum would probably smother him and start some gay rights campaign, which might become unbearable—but he most definitely did not want them to find out from Stan's fucking dad. "I'm coming over right now and we can figure something out."
"Okay, dude, hurry!"
"Dude, you made a script?" Kyle said, looking at the piece of paper Stan handed him with an amused expression on his face. Stan didn't understand why Kyle sounded so incredulous. He liked writing. Sue him. He saw an opportunity and he took it. And he was sure that what he wrote wasn't crap. In fact, Stan was absolutely, positively sure that his script was great.
"Yeah. I mean, if we want to make it convincing then of course we need a script. We have about half an hour before my dad comes home from work so we should start rehearsing now," Stan replied.
Kyle sighed and did a quick scan of his lines. He paused. "Stan. This script is really gay. And I mean really gay."
"Well, it's supposed to be gay. We're pretending to be gay, after all."
Kyle rolled his eyes before giving another critique of the script. "And why do you get to break up with me? So I'm undesirable now, is that what you're trying to say? What makes you think I would want to stick with your sorry ass, anyway?"
Stan pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling annoyed now. "No Kyle. Don't be so fucking sensitive. I don't mean any of that. Stop looking for things that aren't there. I just thought it would be best, y'know? So that my dad won't go running to your parents to complain—or whatever else he'd do to mess up your life."
"Oh." And Kyle was looking down at the floor now, awkwardly shuffling his feet. Stan could bet a couple hundred dollars right now that he was blushing, probably feeling stupid for his mistakes. Kyle never liked being wrong, nor did he like wronging people. "I'm sorry, dude."
"It's fine. So, wanna start practicing?"
"Yeah."
They've already ran over the script ten times when his dad's car pulled into the driveway. Stan was feeling a little nervous because out of the ten times they rehearsed, he could tell that they weren't going to be very convincing for the real thing. Both him and Kyle were a tad bad at acting. Kyle's voice would constantly get higher whenever he spoke his lines (Stan didn't know if he was doing it on purpose to be sarcastic or if it were genuine) and it was clear that his acting was on par with his dancing skills. Which to say, wasn't that good. And as for himself, Stan was sure that his body language would give him away immediately. He had a habit of wringing his hands when he was nervous and he was almost afraid that he would start puking while he said his lines. All of this would be fine in a school play but in real life, Stan wasn't sure if they could pull it off.
But to be fair, it was his dad. Stan had picked him to trick and not his mum for a reason. Hopefully, he would fall for it without asking too many questions.
"He's back!" Stan loud-whispered to Kyle. He grabbed the redhead's hand and pulled him into the kitchen. "So you know the plan, right?"
"Yeah, of course I do. Wait for your dad to come in, start yelling at each other, and then storm out of your house with an angry expression on my face. Really, it's not that complicated Stan."
The front door creaked open and Stan whispered, "It's starting." He then raised his voice, "I just can't to this Kyle! I thought I liked you like that but I guess I was wrong. It has nothing to do with you—really! I'm sorry, dude, I'm just not gay!
Kyle shouted, "How could you? I thought we were happy together! If you knew you weren't gay then why did you lead me along? Why play with my feelings?"
"I didn't mean to!" Stan said and he honestly thought they were doing quite well. He was also sure that his dad was now at the locked kitchen door, eavesdropping on their 'fight'. "I never—I thought I could give it a chance—give you a chance but I'm sorry. It just didn't work out."
"Fine!" Kyle said, voice starting to waver, and Stan could swear that there were tears in his eyes. Wow, Kyle must be very absorbed in the scene. Stan had to take his words back—maybe Kyle wasn't such a sucky actor after all. He just needed to get in the zone. "Do whatever you want! I don't care! I'm done with this."
And Kyle stormed out of the kitchen (and what would you know, of course his dad was out there, looking at them as if he had been caught red-handed—though Kyle completely ignored him) and out of the house, just as planned.
Stan heaved a sigh a relief. Finally. It was over.
But his dad must have taken it for a sign of sorrow as he knelt down to Stan's level and pulled him into a hug. "It's alright buddy. I know it must be hard to break your best friend's heart like that but don't worry. I'll support you through this. Even if you aren't gay."
Well, maybe not just yet, Stan thought, as he awkwardly accepted his dad's hug. His dad really sounded sad about his 'relationship' ending.
Maybe my plan wasn't so great after all.
The entire ordeal was finally over. Everything should have gone back to normal. Except it didn't. Kyle had a problem. And it was confusing the heck out of him.
When Stan had held his hand, Kyle had felt a sort of warmth rise up inside of his chest, the type that could almost be associated with having a crush. He's never had that type of feeling when he'd been with the girls— Rebecca, Nichole and Leslie. If he were to be honest with himself, the only reason why he pursued any of them was because he felt he was supposed to. His best friend already had a girlfriend and the boys around him were starting to develop interest in girls while Kyle felt nothing. Nothing. They were still in the fourth grade; they shouldn't even have to worry about these things. Or at least, Kyle shouldn't have to. But since everyone was doing it, Kyle thought it was expected of him as well. He already ignored so many trends, missed so many of them that if there was one he could follow with little effort and guilt then god, of course he was going to take it. Anything to fit in—he was already different enough.
But feeling weird around Stan was not the worst part of it. (Even though it was embarrassing beyond belief that he actually started crying when Stan said all those things to him—it just felt so real, at the moment, although Kyle knew it was fake— and he really hoped Stan thought he was just great at acting.) No, that was the least of his problems. The problem was that this wasn't the first time Kyle had felt this way around Stan. Stan had held his hand a bunch of times throughout the length of their friendship and Kyle always felt the same feeling of bliss, though he originally thought it was due to the fact that they were Super Best Friends. Now, however, Kyle was just confused. What could all of this mean?
It's probably nothing, Kyle thought to himself as walked back to his home, wiping his tears away. He was nine, after all. It was too early to be thinking of these things—it was too early to be sure that he was gay. Maybe, just maybe, he was just a late bloomer.
And you know, maybe Denial was just a river in Egypt.
Author's Note: Part Two, with David/Kyle (my newest ship) and jealousy, will be uploaded soon. I hope.
