Title: Thoughts
Disclaimer: I don't own LOST.
I'm really nervous about posting this. It is my first fanfic, so please let me know what you think about it!
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Sometimes I wonder
why I act the way I do.
Sometimes it feels like someone else is taking control over me
and I can't do anything to stop it.
And when that happens
I start to run...
When I sat there, thinking about Sawyer and what just happened, I was so lost, I felt so empty and so guilty. And then you came, you were angry, but you wouldn't let me walk away.
You weren't the only person that tried to stop me from running. But you were the only person that managed to do so. Even if only for a few minutes.
I didn't want it, but I opened up, I started crying right there in you arms. That's nothing that is typical for me, I'm not a person that shows weakness, I built this wall around me, it helps to protect myself. It helps not to get hurt by anyone, because I've got hurt in my life too many times. And even more important, I do have that wall to protect other people, because I know that I will hurt them, even if I don't mean to do so. It's just what I do.
Normally I don't let anyone see behind that wall. But I felt your arms around me and I felt so comfortable and so protected. I felt like nothing could happen to me. I felt like you really cared. And then you told me, that everything will be all right. When I looked in your eyes, I saw a man I always searched for.
And then I kissed you.
When I felt your lips on mine, my heart went crazy. It was beating so fast that I was afraid you would feel it.
And then I realized, what that meant. What that feeling meant.
And I got more scared than I've ever been in my whole life. When the police was right behind me, when my mother screamed when she saw me, I wasn't as scared as I was in that moment.
And then I looked at you again. I didn't really know what I saw in your eyes...
And so I ran, Jack, I just ran. It's just the thing I do best.
Run.
Nobody was ever able to stop me from that. And nobody will ever be.
How could I ever dare to kiss you? I don't deserve someone like you. I just don't deserve it and I know that. I'm a bad person, I'm a fugitive and I killed someone, I ruined the life of every person I ever loved.
I just don't deserve you.
And I know that.
I've never really been loved in my whole life, I have never really felt home. And you can make me feel that way, you can make me feel like I am home here on this island, you manage to make me feel safe when you're around.
But I could never be with you. You would always try to fix me, because thats just what you do.
But you could never fix me, because I'm too broken.
You could never save me, because I'm too lost.
You could never bring me back to life
Because I died long ago.
