Title: Which You Think You Cannot Do
Author: atlantis child (Command Dynamics), innocent choir girl When Elizabeth Weir doesn't answer any of her calls and doesn't show up in her office, Atlantis' security is about to start a search team out to find her. But John Sheppard finds her first, and what he finds shocks him.
Genres: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort
Warnings: Abuse, Rape, Torture, Violence
Rating: M
Chapter: 1 "I'm Fine…"
Author's Notes: This is my first fic that's this dark, normally I try to 'happily ever after' it, but for some reason this plot line has been bouncing around my head. And the only way to get it to stop nagging me is to put it down on paper ;) Also, I'd greatly appreciate constructive feedback.
Gasping in breath, Elizabeth clutched the pillow tightly to her chest burying her face into the soft wet fabric. She had worked herself up so much that she could hardly breathe. Her chest hurt from the intake and exhale of breath, her face was red and swollen, under her eyes were even more swollen that the rest of her face, her tear ducts screamed as they continued to release more and more tears, and her normally gleaming green eyes were dull surrounded in a sea of redness.
Hearing the ding to let her know that someone was at her door, she willed for the person to go away. She knew though that someone would be coming, she had ignored her headset and no doubt someone would pick up on that fact and come looking for her. But they didn't, the ding was just followed by insistent knocking. Why couldn't they leave her alone? She just wanted to be left alone.
"Go away," she said weakly; hearing her own voice she knew that her voice hadn't carried to whoever was attacking her door and that even if they heard it that it wouldn't be convinced enough that she was okay enough to go away. Pulling the blanket around her torn clothes trying to cover herself up as much as she could; she stood up and slowly walked to the door. She had a fairly good idea who it was. Wiping her eyes and taking a deep breath she just hoped that she didn't look as bad as she felt. But she just wanted him to go away and the only way to do that was to open the door and let him know that she was alive.
As she neared the door, it slid open sensing her. She kept her head bowed a bit hoping that just her presence would be enough to get him to leave her alone. "I'm fine," she said quietly.
John was frustrated and worried. He had gone to pacing back and forth in front of her door. "You didn't answer your headset. Zelenka and Rodney have been trying to contact you for permission to do some…science thing for hours now. Bates was about to do a full on search for you. I've been out here for like five minutes. What's wrong? It's not like you to not answer your headset."
She could hear his frustration in his tone. Elizabeth knew that John cared about her, obviously enough to be worried about her. "I just…needed quiet," she whispered keeping her head down. "Tell Rodney he can do what he wants… I just want to be left alone for the night," she told him turning her back hoping that he would leave. But when she felt his hand on her arm, she knew she wasn't going to get away that easily. "John…" her voice started off as a whispered and then she started to lose her composure, "Please…"
He couldn't remember seeing Elizabeth so depressed or quiet. She was usually only that quiet when they were on the balcony enjoying the sunset. "What's wrong?" he asked gently running his hand up and down her arm lightly, but when she tensed and pulled away, he pulled back. "You know you can talk to me, Elizabeth…"
"Not about this, John," she said sadly staring down at the floor. More tears started to form and slowly let loose down her skin. It hurt for the tears to roll down her cheeks before they plummeted to the floor, but she didn't let out the whimper she felt like. Not with John there.
Reaching out he pulled her around and then lifted her chin, what he saw scared him. He had never seen her like this. Never seen her fall apart. He moved farther into her quarters so that the door would shut. He didn't want others to see her like this, but he knew that she was owed a mental breakdown. It had been years now since they had come to Atlantis and as the expedition leader Elizabeth had been under incredible stress. Every now and then everyone needed to have a breakdown. "Elizabeth…talk to me…"
"I can't…" she whispered pulling away. "You need to leave," she added as harshness filled her voice as she turned away from him.
John wasn't about to leave her in such a state without at least trying to help her. He reached out again and held tight to the blanket around her shoulder, but when she pulled away, the blanket stayed in his grasp and he saw her bare shoulder and then part of her uniform. He just stared for a moment, before reaching out this time for her shoulder. Turning her around, he looked her up and down. Her shirt wasn't the only thing that was torn. Her cranberry shirt, that was normally long sleeve, looked like it had been part of a tug o'war. One sleeve was completely missing, and then the zipper that went down the center of the shirt wasn't attached to parts of the fabric. Her belt was undone and the pants looked torn around the waist. She wasn't in shoes, but just one sock. "What happened?" he asked again.
Humiliation was immediately what she felt when John looked at her like that. Looking down, she let out a sob and pulled the fabric of the blanket tight across her chest. The warmth made her feel slightly better. It was like being hugged, but without the human touch.
"Elizabeth…" he whispered.
"Please, John…let it go," she looked back up at him. "Just let it go."
Walking forward, he wrapped his arms gently around her, keeping one arm around her waist while the other found her hair. "Who did this Elizabeth?" he asked trying to keep his voice level. He could guess several things that had happened, but he wanted to know, to hear it from her. And most of all, he wanted to know who had done it to her.
Finally giving into him, she held tightly to him, clinging. She hadn't wanted to, but it was obvious that he wasn't leaving, so why not take in what comfort he could provide? "Please…"
Pulling back, he looked at her, moving one hand to lift her chin so he could look into her eyes. "Are you hurt? You need to tell me…" His voice went softer, "Please…Elizabeth. Tell me what happened and who did this… I'll-I'll…"
"You'll what, John?" she asked softly. "You'll land yourself back on Earth in a jail cell."
He got upset. He just wanted simple information. He shook her shoulders sharply hoping to knock some sense into her, "Tell me Elizabeth." His voice was sharp and showing her just how frustrated he was getting with her, but it also showed how worried he truly was about her. "Tell me."
Walking back into him, she wrapped her arms around him and buried her face into the crook of his neck. "He made threats…"
Relieved that at least she was talking, he wrapped his arms around her and swayed slightly. His chin rested on her head. "What threats?"
Sniffling, she moved her face around before becoming more comfortable. Pulling in a sharp breath, she closed her eyes. "He said he'd kill me… That he'd make sure you and your team never made it back…"
"Made it back from where?" John asked not liking the fact that not only was this person threatening Elizabeth, but the people she held dear.
"Anywhere…I don't think that really matters. Just the fact that he said he would…and I believe he would follow through on his threats," she whispered quietly.
Kissing the top of her head, he tightened his arms a bit before he heard her whimper. Pulling back, he knew there was something wrong. "Where? What's wrong?" he asked immediately a bit panicked.
"My side," she responded. "It's just bruised…"
John walked a step forward and moved her arms so he could lift the side of her shirt ever so slightly. He saw that her right side was lightly bruised, but when he inspected the left side he was shocked at the deeply dark colored bruised up along her side that wrapped around her back and her stomach. "Elizabeth…God…you have to see Carson…" he said looking up at her.
"I'm fine…"
"You're not fine. You were assaulted…" John told her wanting to make sure that she hadn't broken a rib or had any internal injuries.
"No, I wasn't assaulted…" she whispered and looked down. Pulling the blanket back up and tightly around her, she walked over and sat down in her chair.
He crouched down in front of her looking up into her face. "What happened then?"
She ran her hand roughly across her face sniffling again. "John…it's hard…" she started. "I'm embarrassed it even happened…" It was her fault, wasn't it? She had let it happen to her…
"What happened?"
"He-he…raped…me…" she barely made out audibly. Her eyes stayed away from his face. "He said I asked for it… That…it's how I act around people…" she tried to explain as she wiped away more tears.
John just stayed quiet in shock staring at her, but then he realized that she was blaming herself for something that was in no way her fault. "Elizabeth…it's not your fault… You've never acted out of line. I would have said something if you did…let alone be completely shocked by it."
She shook her head and closed her eyes.
"Who?" was the only word his pushed. He needed to know. He needed to find the man who had done it and beat him. Elizabeth didn't deserve any of it.
She shook her head again, her eyes still closed.
"You need to tell me…" He sighed when she shook her head again. It was only going to make things worse. On Atlantis you saw the same people everyday. And everyday that person would haunt her, let alone the fact that at the moment Elizabeth was letting him get away with what he had done to her. "Carson will need to look you over," he said pulling the blanket back up and wrapping it back into place. "You want me to take you or do you want him to make a house call?" He wanted to add that Kate Heightmeyer would also need to see her, but he wasn't going to push. If he could at least get her to agree to see Carson, then that was a start.
"No…I don't want anyone to know."
"Elizabeth…you could have internal damage or broken ribs. Carson's going to see you. It's your choice as to where it is," he said a bit more forcefully. He wasn't going to let her hurt herself because of her stubbornness.
"Here."
Nodding, John called Carson on the headset requesting he come to Elizabeth's quarters with his kit. He looked back at her; she was sitting down looking down. "Who did this, Elizabeth?" he tried again.
"You can't do anything, John," she whispered looking away. It was useless to tell him, she knew that. He would just want to do something even though it would only get him into trouble. Elizabeth wouldn't allow it for her to be the one to destroy his career or his life like that. She didn't see it as worth it at all.
