Summary: So, she said unto the ultimate bishounen, "Teach me how to be as awesome as you!" And, amazingly, he did…In exchange for her never talking to him again.
Claimer: The overly(if not creepily)-obsessed fangirl Kisami is mine, not that it matters. Also, this strange fanfiction is also mine, as are the concepts and content. Minus, of course, what's listed in the 'disclaimer'. –Points-
Disclaimer: If you honestly think I own Yu-Yu-Hakusho, you have a few more screws missing than Kisami. And that's saying something.
Authoress's Note: This spawned from a spontaneous idea after seeing the Kurama picture mentioned in this. It has no sense of logic whatsoever, and was only created for my own personal amusement. Feel free to over-look this nonsense, as it really wasn't meant to go anywhere and probably won't. I've had the idea in my mind for a few months, now, but until now I hadn't actually thought of how to start it or anything. I don't plan on continuing this, unless I have a large amount of time to dedicate to fanfiction writing, seeing as how I actuallyusuallylike my others (Not to say I dislike this one, but as I said before, it's just nonsense.), so unless people actually like it I probably won't have any continuation for a while. I just like the concept. Anywho, enjoy this useless almost-parody…If you can. Muahahahah! –Cough, gag-
In the words of Mark Twain: Persons trying to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. (From Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.)
Translation(s): Kiseichū: Parasite/Useless person
"Have that one; got it; seen it, didn't like it; got it; got it; got it—Oooo!" A loud squeal followed, accenting the girl's enthusiasm. "I've never even seen that screen shot!" She right clicked, sliding the cursor down over the list and selected 'copy' before opening up a Microsoft Word file and pressing 'paste', adding the picture to an already-huge collection of Hiei pictures. "Although," she muttered, as an after-thought, "I do know what he's saying." She proceeded to quickly mutter, "'I pursue strength! I do not have time for your trivial—' and then Kurama interrupts him," as if to prove it, and she seethed quietly for only a moment before she regained her previous grin and re-opened the internet window, scanning down the list of pictures and seeing if there were any she hadn't saved.
After only a few moments, she growled, "I have all these!" and opened the Word document again, deciding to re-scan the pictures as she continued to rant to herself. "I mean, honestly, you'd think with a 231-picture gallery that there would be at least more than one picture that I didn't have."
She rolled her eyes, then forgot her annoyance as she came across a particularly nice screen shot, the page progression halted momentarily before she snapped out of it, continuing to scroll down. "Hey," she said, a confused expression coming to her face, "how'd that get there?" She straightened from her hunched over posture and looked at the Kurama screen shot. "I don't remember saving a Kurama picture." It was the image of Kurama extending his hand toward the, for lack of better terms, 'camera', with some sort of petal falling around him. "Well, it is a good picture." Without realizing it, she made the air-headed move to take his hand, and simply because she wasn't paying attention, wasn't surprised to find her hand go through the glass with ease. However, the fact that she was suddenly and quite randomly transported and found herself in the middle of the sky and falling was a bit alarming, and she proceeded to hit the ground with a large thud! At least she had a cushion. A live cushion, by the looks of it, with gravity-defying hair.
…Very familiar gravity-defying hair. "H-Hiei?"
Hiei twitched, thrusting the girl off him, then stood and glared at her. "Where did you come from, human?"
"…Huh?" She stared, dumb-founded, then met his cruel, cold, crimson eyes…and proceeded to melt into a puddle of fangirliness, and Hiei stared at her a moment before she re-formed, looking completely love-struck; she noticed he had his sword drawn. "What's that for?" She pointed at the katana, then a slow grin slid across her face and she snuck over to him and began to rub her face on the blunt side, muttering, "Shinyyyyy…"
He watched her with a blank expression for a moment, then said, "Are you even aware that you completely lost form just then?" And that sort of thing shouldn't even be possible, he thought.
"'Course it's possible. We're in an anime—anything's possible." She found herself completely calm and fairly positive toward the concept, though she was a bit confused on why she had been randomly flung into this world, and also why she had landed on Hiei when she had reached to take Kurama's hand. But she definitely wasn't about to complain.
He was unable to do anything but stare. "What the hell are you talking about? And how did you read my mind?" His gaze lingered on her forehead, which was bare of a jagan, for only a few seconds before he became aware of the fact that there was still a tug at his katana, and he wrenched it from her stroking grasp and sheathed it. If she didn't even have a good reason for how to melt, obviously it couldn't be used as a weapon, and he had nothing to worry about.
…Besides the fact that she had this strange, hungry glint in her eyes that scared him severely.
"'Cause, like I said, we're in an anime. And thoughts are said out loud, even though the other characters can't hear 'em. Duh."
It became very clear to him that this girl had a few screws missing. Quite a few. Or maybe she didn't have any screws at all, and in that case she'd need one helluva screwdriver. "Enough of this. You're obviously insane."
"Insane? Me?" She grinned again, then cackled strangely. "Of course I'm insane! It's what makes life complete bliss!"
Hiei rolled his eyes and turned away from her, about to walk away, but he was bowled over and latched on to. "Agh!" He struggled into a sitting position and realized she was still attached to his leg and was leaning on to his knee like it was a beloved stuffed animal. "Get off me, damn it!" Again, he was only met with that creepy-as-hell hungry look in her eyes, and he made another feeble attempt at wriggling his leg from her grasp. "Kiseichū," he snarled, spitting the word like a swear word, but she just blinked at him in a way what showed how clueless she was.
"What's that mean? 'S it some form of endearment?" She hugged his leg closer for the briefest of seconds, which sent Hiei into another fit of trying to escape her. How some scrawny little human could keep such a firm hold was beyond him.
"Of course not!" He let out a long, impressive string of profanities used and linked in ways that hinted that he had learned it at a very young age. Heaving in a large sigh, he glared down at his newly-acquired leech and stood, struggling to keep balance with her firmly clasped around the lower half of his right leg. "In case you were unaware, I was trying to walk before. If you'd kindly get the hell off me, I could resume that."
She grinned, her eyes squeezed shut, and she mildly resembled a short-faced pug. Not a cute one, either. Rather one that looked quite rabid and as if it deserved to be put to sleep. "Not a chance!" she replied in her always-cheery, quite-spastic voice.
Hiei sweat-dropped, earning a giggle from the girl attached to him as if she were fused on to his leg. "Could you at least move?" He figured if he could manage to drag her all the way to Kurama's house (If he didn't die from the indignity of it all first.) that the spirit fox could find some way of getting her off. He could kill her without remorse, and it definitely wasn't the fear of remorse that was keeping him from doing that—it was this sneaking suspicious that she'd snap right back twice-as-worse if he tried.
"Move? Where?"
"Somewhere else," Hiei replied flatly, getting annoyed "I don't care. Just don't make me drag you on my leg."
"Can I…piggy-back you?"
He could hear the enthusiasm in her voice at the idea, and he groaned, but immediately saw the opportunity there. "Sure, fine."
She moved with surprising quickness and had herself at his torso before he could blink, but he weaved an arm underneath her and wrenched her free with a 'hah!' of triumph that was cut short as he realized she was still attached to his arm.
"I thought you might try something like that," she purred in her usual creepy voice, "so…" She lifted one arm halfway so that he could see her wrist, which had a metal clasp on it, and Hiei's eyes slid sideways to his own wrist in horror as he saw a second clasp, attached by a chain.
"But—how did you even…" He cut off, his surprise quickly becoming annoyance, and he spoke again with an icy glare. "You definitely didn't have those handcuffs before."
She just stared at him incredulously, then grinned and reiterated, "Anime!"
"…Right. I forgot that handy fact of us 'being in an anime'."
He noted with annoyance that she didn't get the fact that he wasn't serious, and then she muttered, "Maybe you aren't as smart as I thought if you can forget that."
"…Hn."
She made a strange squealing noise that resembled 'squee' and finished making her way to his back and wrapped her legs around him.
Hiei rolled his eyes. He had also spontaneously 'forgot' the piggy-back ride, too. "Quit that," he growled at her when he wrapped her arm (Her other was still relatively trapped by the handcuffs) around his neck.
"Well, if you aren't going to keep me from falling like you're supposed to when someone rides you piggy-back—"
"I refuse to support your cause," Hiei mumbled back, wondering how it was that he was so short and yet she was still so small compared to him. "How old are you, girl?"
"Fifteen. And don't call me 'girl'. I have a name, you know."
Hiei actually chuckled at that, and when she looked at him over his shoulder he said, "Fifteen? I would have never guessed. Ten at the most, but fifteen? You must be legally considered a midget."
She twitched. "Hey! I'm not a midget! I'm barely shorter than you!"
"I'm hardly tall. Don't use that fact to your advantage, onna."
"…I said I have a name." She emphasized her words in odd places to accent what she'd said, though what she said was still pointless to Hiei.
"I don't care."
"Well, just don't call me 'girl', or…or…or whatever else you called me."
"Hn. Onna."
She growled. "Look, you have to deal with me until you find a way to get me off, so it would be best not to tick me off."
"Are you threatening me?" he said dangerously, and they exchanged glares over his shoulder for a few seconds before she broke off and 'squee'ed again. He rolled his eyes and groaned. The momentary lapse into halfway-serious conversation had only been a short luxury, and he realized it would probably be one of the only such times.
"You sound so amazinggggg when you say that!"
"Why the hell do you feel the need to drag all your words out?"
"Why the hell do you…" She paused, obviously thinking of a come-back, though he could tell by her expression that she couldn't think of any.
"Too feeble-minded to think of anything, onna?"
"—insist on not calling me my name?" she finished in an attempted grand tone as he gave her an idea.
"Because one, I don't know it, and two, I don't care to."
"Why not?"
"Because you're like a retarded puppy," he replied with a roll of his eyes. "Doesn't deserve to be named, just to be rid of to someone who can actually like it. Or try to."
The word 'retarded' and the second sentence seemed to've flown right over her head. "Whee, you compared me to a puppy!"
He considered responding, but decided it wasn't even worth it to try.
"Come on, ask me my name."
"No."
"Please?"
"Why would I?"
She squinted at nothing in particular, considering, then grinned and suggested the only thing she figured would make him actually ask: "So I'll stop asking you to? I'll stop talking if you ask me my name."
Hiei sighed in resignation, then seethed, "Fine. What's your name?"
"Kisaaaami," she responded with a grin.
"Kisami," he repeated flatly. "Great. Now will you shut up?"
She just grinned wider and nodded emphatically, obedient.
Hiei dreaded what the others would do when they saw this. Knowing those jack-asses, they'll enjoy it, he thought.
"Enjoy what?"
"Quit doing that," Hiei spat, finally understanding why Yusuke and Kuwabarra hated having their minds read. But at least he had a tool to use. Reading someone's mind without a jagan just came off as down-right creepy…Then again, that word wasn't too far from describing this girl (He refused to even think of her as Kisami.).
"Well?" she persisted. "Enjoy what?"
"Weren't you supposed to be shutting up?"
She immediately snapped her mouth shut and nodded exaggeratedly, and Hiei figured the fact that she listened to him so easily was the only positive of this entire happening. Hey, at least there was a positive. Having a strange girl attached to you like a conjoined twin wasn't the most fun of situations.
After dodging odd looks for roughly two minutes, Hiei landed outside Kurama's bedroom window on a convenient tree branch, stepping inside.
Downstairs, Kurama heard the loud shout of, "FOX!" and wondered what problem Hiei had gotten himself into this time. The fire demon's random visits made him glad not to live with Shiori anymore (After all, the human woman had not quite enjoyed them.). "Yes, Hiei?" called an already exasperated Kurama; he could tell by Hiei's tone that this wasn't his normal I-somehow-got-myself-wounded-and-need-help. It was more like I-have-a-flesh-eating-disease tone, but somehow Kurama doubted that.
"If you'd kindly get this thing off me, it would be greatly appreciated." The demon showed in the doorway to Kurama's kitchen, and the fox sweat-dropped.
"Hiei…do I even want to know why you have a girl on your back?" Kurama restrained the urge to call her 'human girl', seeing as how he wasn't sure if she knew anything about the two of them being non-humans. He highly doubted she did, but then again, she was on Hiei's back. That in itself seemed like quite a feat, so maybe thinking she knew about them being demons wasn't too far-fetched.
"…No. No you don't. Just get her off."
"Well, regardless of what you say, I am curious about why she's there. So tell me and I'll make my mind up about whether or not to—" After a dangerous glare from Hiei, Kurama coughed once and started again. "Tell me and I'll help you out."
"I don't know where she came from and I don't care. But she's proven to be close to a psycho-stalker and she won't let go of me." Hiei looked so pitifully annoyed it was humorous. "I'd say that's enough motivation." The half-Koorime crossed his arms in front of him, earning a short struggle from the girl to keep herself on his back.
Kurama shifted his gaze to the 'psycho-stalker'. "What's your name?"
"See? See!" she ranted at Hiei. "Someone around here knows how to ask someone their name instead of calling them 'girl' or…or…or…"
"Onna," Hiei finished, just so she'd shut up.
"Right. That." She snorted, then looked over at Kurama, grinning. "Holy crap! I don't know how I didn't notice you before! You're Kurama!"
Hiei shrugged when Kurama glared at him accusingly. "I told her nothing, fox. She just…knows things. And she can read minds, apparently. She seems to think we're in an anime."
"'Cause we are," the girl groaned impatiently, and then, after a single glance from Kurama, she seemed to remember his question, and she extended her hand over Hiei's shoulder and said, "I'm Kisa—ACK!" The 'ack' was due to the fact that Hiei had grabbed her wrist and flung her off his back, even though due to the handcuffs she remained next to him, though she was sprawled on the floor, looking dazed.
Kurama ignored her for a moment and looked up at Hiei. "Kisa-ack?" he quoted with mild amusement, then went to the girl and helped her stand. "What did you say your name was?"
"…Kisami." Her tone was flat, and she directed a cold glare at Hiei, which was returned with a much colder one. This, of course, only made her giggle and try and attach herself to him again, but he stopped her easily with a single hand, now that he was used to her spontaneous attacks.
"Are those…handcuffs?" Kurama uttered a sound quite like 'eep' after Hiei's pissed-off death glare switched from Kisami to Kurama when he asked.
"Yes. Now get them off so I can free myself from this rabid leech."
"'Rabid leech'? She's just a deranged human, Hiei, no need for insults."
"Deranged human?" Kisami asked, and for a moment Kurama thought she might attack him, but then she giggled strangely and said, "Wow, you sure do know how to compliment someone."
Hiei completely ignored her intervention. "What do you mean, 'no need for insults'? You just insulted her, too, so if you're allowed to, then I'm going to."
"I didn't insult her, I was just stating what was plainly obv—"
"Kurama." Hiei's flat voice was dangerously calm, and it silenced Kurama immediately, who sweat-dropped nervously.
"Right." He looked over at Kisami. "Do you have a key for the handcuffs?"
"…Maaaaybe," was the spastic, drawn-out response.
Hiei twitched, attempting to ignore the fact that Kisami had attached herself to the hand he had used to stop her attempted attack and was hugging it.
"I'd greatly appreciate if you released Hiei," Kurama continued calmly. "Or, maybe you could at least tell me why you've hand-cuffed him to you?"
"No, no 'maybe's," Hiei growled, "and no 'or's. Just get her off."
"Okay, we'll talk about that afterward."
Kisami pouted, looking away from Kurama's green-eyed gaze and said in a puppy-tone, "But I don't want to let him go."
"Please, Kisami. Just release him and we can talk."
"Like hell we'll talk," Hiei muttered angrily, but after a warning glare from Kurama said in a pitiful attempt (That made it clear he wasn't really trying), "Of course we'll talk." He paused, then continued in a seething whisper, "If you get off me so I can kill you."
Kisami sighed heavily, then dug into her pocket and retrieved a key, offering it over to Kurama.
After being released, Hiei started to turn to escape, but was stopped by the fact that Kisami was still linked on to his hand, a grin that made her look like she was the Grinch that just stole Christmas from Whoville plastered on her lips. "Kiseichū," Hiei repeated.
Kurama couldn't help but snicker. "I find her charming," he told Hiei in a 'Ha ha, at least it isn't me who's suffering' voice.
Hiei groaned, then whipped his hand quickly from Kisami's grasp and flickered from view to reappear on the other side of Kurama's kitchen, a safe distance from the strange human girl.
"Kisami, why exactly were you handcuffed to Hiei?"
The girl was distracted (thankfully) from going to attack Hiei again, and she looked at Kurama like she found him incompetent. "'Cause I handcuffed myself to 'im. Duh."
"…What I mean is, why did you handcuff yourself for him?"
She stared at him, then began to motion exaggeratedly as she spoke in an extremely enthused voice. "'Cause Hiei's the most awesome person alive! I mean, come on, he's the ultimate bishounen!" Kurama quirked a brow at Hiei, but she continued. "He's hot and snide and sarcastic and cruel, and seriously, what's not to love? Who wouldn't handcuff themselves to Hiei at the first chance they got?"
"I, for one," Kurama mumbled, quickly adding, "No offense."
"None taken. I'm actually quite pleased that you said that," was the muttered response from Hiei. "I'd be a bit afraid if you planned on trying what she did."
Kisami, oblivious, was still talking about how sexy and amazing Hiei was, unnoticed by the two demons. "And that," she finished, again attempting to sound grand and failing miserably (Maybe it was just her height. Someone roughly in-between Hiei and Genkai's stature couldn't really be taken seriously.), "is why I handcuffed myself to Hiei."
Kurama stared at her a moment, then grinned and weakly said, "…Oh."
Hiei rolled his eyes, about to leave and dump his parasitic burden on Kurama, when Kisami shouted, "Hiei, wait! I want you to teach me how to be as awesome as you!"
Both of the demons in the room could do nothing but gape at her, until Kurama started to laugh. Hiei flashed the fox a short glare before growling, "No," shortly.
"Pleeeease?"
"Why would I?" He turned and started to leave.
"I will stalk you to the ends of the earth!" Kisami cried after him, and he stopped dead in his tracks.
"You'll what?"
"…Follow you to the ends of the earth."
"That isn't what you said."
The short girl coughed the word 'stalk', and then grinned to cover it up.
Hiei groaned. "No," was his repeated response.
"Pleeeease?" was her repeated answer.
"No."
"Please?"
The alternating 'please' and 'no' continued for a short while, Kisami's 'please's getting shorter with each time and less drawn out, as if she was loosing vigor.
Finally, Hiei just decided not to answer, and headed for the stairs, only to be tackled at an alarming speed by Kisami. "Oh for fuck's sake!" Hiei shouted, and Kurama winced, but couldn't help but feel amused at the fire demon's suffering.
"Teach me, teach me, teach me!"
"Get. Off. Me."
"…Only if you agree to teach me."
After a short warning growl from Hiei, the girl was flung off of him, but he was tripped as he tried to continue up the stairs, only to find that Kisami was already attached to his legs again, this time both so that he couldn't even attempt to walk.
"Get off me!" Hiei's voice was at near-squeaking (Near only because it was so deep in the first place…if he had Kurama's voice, no doubt he'd be shrilly screeching like a three-year-old already.) point, now.
Kurama just chuckled an moved to watch the events unfurl.
"Teach me!"
"No!"
"Teach me!"
"No!"
"Teach me how to be awesome!"
"I SAID NO!"
Kurama went to the kitchen and unwrapped a package of popcorn, sticking it in the microwave and returning to watch the two bicker. Hiei looked at him desperately, then twitched and lowered his eyelids in a comedic show of annoyance as he heard the popcorn in the kitchen. "Is that—"
"Yes."
"Do you really plan on—"
"Yes."
"…I hate you."
"I know." Kurama grinned.
Hiei rolled his eyes and returned to trying to wriggle out of Kisami's grasp. "Get. The hell. Off me."
"Not until you teach me to be as awesome as you!"
"I refuse."
"Then I won't get off."
Kurama tried not to think of how many perverted comments could be spawned from this situation and kept himself from chuckling.
"…Alright, what do I have to bribe you with to make you leave me alone?"
"Your teachings. Of awesomeness."
"Other than that," Hiei growled flatly.
"Uhm…" A twisted grin curled on her lips. "I can think of a few thi—"
Hiei cut her off before she could even try to mention one of the things she was thinking, and said, "If I do this 'teaching' thing, will you leave me alone?"
"After you're done," Kisami replied with a cheery grin.
"…And you'll never talk to me again?"
"Yup!"
"Ever?"
"Yup!"
"…Fine."
His 'fine' was cut off just at the end as she did another one of her 'squee!'s, this one louder than the others, and Hiei had to wonder why he hadn't just killed her.
Authoress's Note: Short first chapter. Woot. There will be no romance in this fanfiction at all, so no worries there. Just Kisami torturing Hiei and Kurama laughing from the sidelines. I have to admit, I'm rather averse to flames, but this fanfiction isn't exactly a work of brilliance, so go ahead if you feel the need to. Anyway, I actually amused myself more than I thought I would with this and might continue sooner than I originally thought. But 'Tears of the Sun' and 'Voices of the Lost Realm Book V: Scars' are still my first priority.
