Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy is not mine, I kindly borrowed Shonda's amazing imagination.
Soft Shock: Well, first of all is another Yeah Yeah Yeahs' song (and the acoustic version gives me chills every single time), then it's also kind of what happens between Season 2 and 3, with the prom and the whole "I love you" at the kitchen table thing. I used some of Shonda's&co. lines, maybe I'll use some scenes as well, editing a little. First attempt at a "long" fiction, if it sucks just let me know.
Meredith's perspective on this "soft shock". Italics is her brain at work, or better, what I would think in her shoes, so don't mind rambling and incoherency. Embrace it ;)
I hope you would like it and maybe give your opinion...
PS: I almost forgot to thank double_scotch_single_malt for convincing me to post my stuff and supporting me the whole time. Thank you!
Ch. 1- In Your Room, In My Room
Shadows were dancing on the bare ceiling in my dim lighted room. I was sitting in the middle of my bed, my legs bent tightly to my body, my toes curled and my hands folded under the back of my knees. I rested my face in the empty V between them, hot tears streaming down my cheeks. I have been avoiding Derek from three whole weeks as much as I could and still, I couldn't get over that damn prom night. Every time I stopped, each single second came back to surface.
I sobbed silently, my home strangely quiet. George was at the hospital with Cristina, Alex came over and picked up Izzie, who reluctantly joined him for a walk. He had been so caring with her after Denny and he was the only one who could get and soothe her moods. A shiver shook my whole body and I remembered I was wearing only grey yoga pants and an indigo t-shirt. Derek's t-shirt. His smell wasn't lingering there anymore, it had been too much time since he had wore it. I cried harder, catching my breath. I became that stupid girl who wears smelly clothes and cries in the dark of her room to get over a boy. And still finds it the stupidest thing ever. That t-shirt smelled so fucking like us.
We had been happy together, before the Wicked Witch showed up. She took him and Doc and Doc is dead. For real, just like Denny.
I wasn't dead, yet.
I was numb. I shut everything out, even myself. I couldn't go back in that exam room every single time I closed my eyes and feel his piercing blue eyes staring frustrated into mine. His defeated voice, his warm hands around my body, touching, exploring well known places. And I still couldn't find my panties! Seriously, what the hell that meant? Hateful McDreamy and his tricky questions! You were fastening your damn pants after sex, for God's sake, it means I'm officially a dirty mistress, brainless man! A mistress who can't stop crying like a baby.
We were going out to dinner the night she showed up and, in a split second, the new title was hanging over my head. Looking back, our exam room rendezvous feels so wrong, but in that exact moment, when his eyes were twinkling and his arms were wrapped around me, I felt loved. Safe. I wanted to stay in that moment forever, panties-less and with my hand tangled in his hair. It was our last time together and it felt anything but wrong. Or a conclusion, for what matters. I finally felt complete, whole for a few moments, before pieces started to crumble away. I was falling apart from the inside out. I built walls around me to hold on tight to, not just to lock the whole world out. I needed something to grab to not fall apart. I needed a beginning, not a conclusion.
My legs were stained with tears. Before Derek, I wouldn't have cried, even for someone like Finn. I wouldn't have cared. I wasn't sobbing desperately because I broke up with him, the so-called great guy, interrupting that stupid game of pretend, it was always Derek.
Derek. Derek. Derek. Derek. His name was pounding in my head like a mantra.
God, I hate you!
No, I don't. I can't. I won't.
I'm just gonna get away from him and forget that night. If I could only do that...
It was buried deep in my mind, popping out vividly every time I closed my eyes and I couldn't fight it anymore. I was tired of struggling with that memory, forcing it out of my brain. I just leaned into the thought then, floating in those moments of bliss when I was finally me again. I wanted to hold him in my arms, stop the damn time and let myself go. Let it –him- fucking go!
I wanted to see him, but I couldn't. Talk to him, yell, I don't know. Maybe just being considered. Being the first pick. I begged him, admitting how much I loved him, bringing up radios and cheesecakes and he chose Addison anyway. You are not playing fair, McAss. You show up in my kitchen and you say you love me. How on earth could I believe you? But I believed. And I loved the moment. I almost dropped whatever I had in my hands. And I chose, just like you asked: I kept avoiding. That's what I've always done, avoid problems. Here's the flaw: I can't avoid you anymore. You are everywhere, I just can't.
I'm avoiding to avoid.
"Meredith"
Oh, that's just perfect. Are you happy to know I'm a lame ass girl who cries in the dark?
"Meredith" his soft voice repeated. Why was Derek here? I wanted to turn around, face him and tell him to go back home, but I was stuck between jumping in his arms and cry or just keep my little pride left and hide my face. I looked out of the window as he repeated my name one more time. It was windy outside, dancing shadows casting on my walls.
"Are you ok?"
"Fine" I mumbled. I wanted to laugh: do I look like I'm ok? Brainless. How can a brain surgeon be so brainless?
"You don't look fine"
Well, maybe there was something in his head after all...
"What can I do to make it better?"
Just go away, please. Go home.
My mouth was sealed, my eyes still staring blankly the beginning of the storm. I felt the bed shift under his weight and his warm body flushed close. Too close.
"I'm sorry" he whispered and I felt his warm breath blow on my neck.
"I know" I could only babble.
"You are avoiding me"
I well mastered the art of silence in that conversation.
"It's been a month, Meredith. I told you I love you and you avoid me since"
"I told you I love you and you chose Addison"
Ouch, that hurt. I shouldn't have said it. I heard him catch his breath.
"I'm sorry" his voice was unsteady. I've never felt him like that, not even when he told me about Mark.
"I'm sorry too"
"No, you are right. I'm an ass"
Good, he's aware of that.
"Do you want me to go?"
"No" I answered without even thinking. Hold your tongue, Meredith!
"How did you get in?" I asked, after a few moments of quiet
"It was open"
"Great. Just great. Mi casa es tu casa!" he chuckled and my heart skipped a beat. He has always been able to do that since that night at Joe's and his cocky smiles. God, I wanted to look at him so badly...
"I locked it for you. Keys were on the table in the kitchen"
"Thank you"
"There was a note from Alex..."
"I've read it before" I tried not to cut him off too coldly. I didn't wanted to.
"How's Izzie?"
"Still not herself, but Alex manages to take her out sometimes"
"What about you?"
"What about me..." I repeated. I didn't even recognized myself, what I was supposed to say to him?
"I almost signed the divorce papers" he interrupted my silence
"Almost?"
"They need to send them again, the others were expired. They'll be here in a couple of weeks"
"Ok"
He was almost free.
"Ok"
"I broke up with Finn"
I could feel the smile behind my back, but I didn't expected his fingers tangling my hair. I closed my eyes, shivering. God, his hands are magic. He pulled away too soon.
"I'm sorry, he was a nice guy"
"Yeah" I wasn't convincing. Finn could be the great guy, but he wasn't the right one. That role was solely Derek's.
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
"We are not friends"
"I know, we could be. If you want to" I could sense his hopeful smile, even without looking at him.
"We can't be friends. Too much water has flowed under the bridge or whatever"
"We could try"
I would have done anything to keep him on my bed forever.
"We could" I sighed. I was letting my guard down. Not good, with Derek around.
"What should I do, as your friend?"
"Lunch. I haven't had breakfast and I'm kind of hungry. We can order something"
"No I'll cook. I'm your friend"
I finally turned around and I saw my new friend smiling widely. I wanted to lean to him and kiss his full lips senseless, until we couldn't stop and we ended up making love, again. I shivered in anticipation. He's still married. He is your friend. His eyes were twinkling in the morning light that peeked from the blinds. As his fingers wiped away some of my old tears, softly caressing my cheeks and burning up the skin under his touch, I felt another tear pop out of my eyes. I couldn't blink and break the stare. His thumb stopped on my flesh and I sighed, unable to pull away, just like him. I could smell aftershave and hospital. Work-Derek was still operative. My cheeks were on fire from his simple touch and my body was humming me to just screw my moral and kiss him. His smile faded as he felt my tears on his fingers. Hot, wet tears.
"Stop crying, please"
"I can't"
I have never cried this much. Tears had never been easy for me. Tears meant weakness and I couldn't look weak in the Grey household. Suddenly, I was wrapped in his arms and my face was buried in his chest.
Never let me go, please. Never.
"I don't usually cry. I don't even know why am I crying exactly" I managed to mumble between one sob and the other, my voice muffled.
"Cry then. I'll hold you"
I sighed in his chest, the smell of him invading my breath, his soothing hands rubbing my back gently. I was like a little toddler cradled in his arms, and I really felt that small. I don't know how long we hugged in silence, the rain pouring outside merciless. Million thoughts were swirling in my mind, but I finally felt at peace. His arms were the safest place in the world. I stopped crying, but I clang tightly to him. I didn't wanted this moment to end. He tenderly kissed the crown of my head and I closed my eyes, nuzzling up more against his chest. I felt his smile as my stomach growled loudly.
"Let's get you something to eat" he mumbled. I smiled, caressing his back one last time before letting go of him and titling up my head. I realized I curled onto his lap and he was practically cradling me in his arms. It felt so ridiculous that I blushed. He helped me up the bed and it was hard to let go of his hand too. They were perfectly fitting together. We climbed downstairs quietly, silence not bothering us. We had so much to tell to each other and so few good words.
"I'm sorry about the breakdown"
"You can always call when you need me" I bite my lower lip. You should never leave, then. Stupid, corny thoughts.
"I don't know why I need to cry so badly"
"It's me, I'm sorry. I showed up in your home and pressured you. I told you I wouldn't but I was actually pressuring. I should have known better and wait a little more,"
"I'm glad you came by that night. I'm glad you're here"
I cut him off and our conversation quieted again.
A mouth-watering smell was coming from the stoves.
"What are you cooking?"
"Some pasta with a secret sauce and chicken"
"It smells so good!"
"It's not even halfway cooked, Meredith" he chuckled and I smiled. Damn, I craved anything Italian in that single moment. Just like I was craving strawberry ice cream last night, before bed. All this crying was messing up my metabolism. In the meantime, I set up the table for two, still wondering why on earth I was doing this. It felt so right.
"You're staying over for lunch, right?"
"Of course, I'm off today"
He clearly knew I had my day off today.
"Did you planned all this?" my tone flat as I spoke, trying not to laugh in his face
"What, cooking?"
"No, having the day off with me"
"You're off too?" he smirked
"Whatever" I grinned too, slightly shaking my head
He shut me off putting the steamy pasta in front of me and, in that split second, I didn't know if I loved more him or his cooking skills.
"Mmm, that's so good" I moaned after the first bite and he laughed
"My Mom's sauce is better"
"I can't think of something better"
"Oh, you'll taste it someday." What does this mean? "I have some jars in the trailer, I'll bring them over next time" I sighed in relief and he smirked. He knew what was my first thought when he mentioned his Mom.
"Can I have some more?" I asked with a smile. He laughed
"How long haven't you been eating?"
"I wasn't hungry last night. Well, I wanted ice-cream, but there wasn't any, so I just went to bed"
"I see" he teased, shovelling some chicken in his mouth
"You really don't have anything to do, don't you?"
"I wanted to go fishing, but seeing the weather I think you'll be stuck with me a little while more" he smirked. Thank you, rainy Seattle.
"Did you had plans?" he asked, an hopeful, curious face gazing mine
"Not really, just meeting Cristina at Joe's tonight, after her shift"
"What do you want to do, then?"
I was afraid to ask it. I was enough emotional already, I didn't needed more tears, but I did asked.
"Can I just come and see Doc's grave? You buried him on your land, right?"
"Yeah, I did. On the clearing, overlooking the water, just like you asked"
"Thank you" unshed tears welled up in my eyes again. Why in the hell was I so damn emotional?
"We can take a walk, if you're up to"
"Good ol' times"
"Just like that" he smiled widely.
When our lunch was way over finished and I helped him clean up, I put some warmer clothes on and we took the ferry to his land in the wilderness. The air was crisp and smelled like pine, earth and water. Smelled like Derek. He was so close, finally. Silence between us wasn't unpleasant, simply strange. We had so much to say. We just basked in the salty air, enjoying the fresh smell of nature and rain. He stood next to me the whole ride, our bodies close enough to send shocks of energy between the tiny space among us. It was good just his proximity. Him was all I needed and I couldn't admit it -even to myself- and let down my seasoned guard. He held a tiny smile on his lips, just enough to twist up the corners, during the whole ride to his home.
That place was so beautiful it seemed almost unreal. So far from everyone and everything. I knew why Derek bought it as soon as I fully knew his story. How could Addison hate it here? I saw the clearing and the water, some gauzy mist rising from it. The smell of rain was filling my lungs. Rain and pine and water and earth. Derek. I spotted Doc's grave and my emotional side overwhelmed me again and I fought hard my tears. I was softening.
"Hey, you ok?" he steadied my uneven steps putting his hand at the small of my back. I shivered, leaning into his touch.
"Yeah, I'm fine" It was meaningless after all those times I said it.
"Do you like the place?"
"Oh, I love it. Thank you for this Derek"
"You're welcome" his voice caught, emotions overwhelming him too.
"He was a good dog"
"Yeah he was"
He ran his hand up and down my spine, comforting. Maybe he needed some physical touch too, to dissolve this moment of sadness. Touching, skin to skin, had always been my favorite part of our relationship. The moment afterwards, when the world stops and his hands keep on roaming on my skin. That's why Derek was different from every other man. From the beginning, he had been different.
"I missed you, Derek" I blurted out. His hands stopped. My shoulder was barely touching his, our hips almost bumping. Close, we were finally close.
"I love you, Meredith" he replied, his voice full of secreted emotions
"I know" I turned slightly to face him and his shimmering blue eyes. Tears and feelings. I was getting lost into all that blue depth when he inched closer. His soft breath tickled my nose, before his lips meet mine. Just for a second, lightly, then he pulled away. He looked up and parted his lips to apologize, but I was quicker and I shut him with a kiss. My hands tangled his dark curls, loving the touch under my fingers, our mouths dancing the oldest lovers' mating dance.
The world stopped and I was there with him. There wasn't a better place.
His hands cupped my face, then slid down my neck to rest on my hips, where he held me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and our chests connected in a hug. I needed to feel him there, breathe him in, feel his warmth radiating through the fabric of my clothes, see the sparkles in his eyes. He was there, with me. I looked at him shocked and he smiled back, as I pulled away a little, just to kiss him again and again and again. With all I had. Hands in hands, lips on lips. We were tying back that rope long ago slashed.
Derek.
My body hummed for more. I would never get enough of him. More Derek, I'd say.
"Meredith" he whispered, at a loss of words
"Derek" he was the only thing my brain was focused on. "Derek" I echoed my own words
"Meredith"
He pulled away a lock of my hair, then softly brushed his lips to mine again. He tasted almost salty, earthly. He was there, kissing me. God this feels good!
"I'll never apologize enough"
"It's ok, Derek"
"I've hurt you so much, I'm so sorry"
"I know. I've hurt you too"
"I deserved it, you didn't. I promised myself I would have talked to you about Addison, but that night, when we were going out to dinner...I just wanted to make it right, do the right thing" he trailed off
"I know you were too honorable to walk away without even trying. You're still you"
"I am still me" he turned up the corner of his mouth in a smile
"You are so beautiful" he whispered and cradled me to his chest, wrapping his steady arms around my shoulders and cupping my head with his hand, his fingers brushing softly my hair. He saved lives with those hands and maybe, for a split second, I could think he had saved mine as well. We basked in the hug, a soft breeze twirling around our bodies and wrapping us closer. It was getting darker by the moment, the air becoming a little chillier at every new shiver.
"We should get back" he suggested
"Or we could stay for a while"
"Yeah, we could. I'll give you a ride tomorrow morning"
He smiled, genuinely. Then it hit me.
"We can't. You're still married, I can't...We can't..."
He shut me with a deep kiss and I was breathless when he pulled away.
"We won't do anything that you don't want to, Meredith. Everything's up to you."
I want to rip off your clothes right here, brainless man, can't you see?
"I think we should wait. I mean, it's not that I don't want to, I really do, it's just wrong and I think..." his kisses were the most effective way to keep me from rambling.
"I get it. You are right, you got a perspective. We'll take it slow. Very slow" his deep seductive voice sent my self-control running in the woods. I hummed with anticipation.
"Slow" I echoed, moaning in his mouth after his last, breathtaking kiss.
Derek, finally.
A.N.: Chapter 2 on schedule.
Merry Christmas, readers!
PS: Do divorce papers expire? Whatever... The first of many incoherent informations.
