Bo Dennis needs a lot of things.
She needs a new car. Or maybe she just wants a new car but what's the difference anyway?
She also needs a new coffee maker because the one she has makes absolutely shit coffee.
But more than anything, Bo Dennis needs a wife.
Maybe we started this whole thing at a wrong place. We probably should have started with why Bo Dennis needed all this things.
Especially a wife.
...
To understand Bo Dennis, you have to understand Trick McCorrigan.
He's Bo's grandfather, the father to her mother, but more than anything, he is Bo's guardian.
You see the thing is, Aife (that would be Bo's mother) had her when she was sixteen and frankly speaking, did not want her.
At all.
She loved her, from the second she had her she loved her. She just didn't want her.
She was a child herself with her life to live, she had Bo from some one night stand and she was shitty at caring for people.
If we're being rather honest, she did Bo some sort of twisted favor by not wanting her.
Seriously, she would have ruined her.
The other favor she did for Bo was to hand her over to her grandfather.
"Take good care of her, Daddy." She had pleaded.
And that's exactly what Trick had done.
He had given Bo the very best of everything life had to offer because money really wasn't an issue to him.
He'd been her parent, her friend and her grandparent who constantly worried about her.
He'd worried when she went to kindergarten and had taken the day off work and spent almost the entire day calling Bo's teachers.
"Is she alright? Are you sure...She's not still crying, is she?"
He'd worried when she joined high school and stopped being his little girl and became a young woman.
"So, you and that Dyson boy..."
"Grandpa!"
"I'm just asking, Ysabeu."
"Well don't. Dyson is only a friend."
He'd been worried when Bo had come out to him, summer before senior year.
"So, you like...females?"
"Yes."
"You see them as sexual beings?"
"Uh...I guess."
"Well uh, I guess you should leave the door open when your friends come for sleepovers from now on."
But more than anything, he had worried when more than six years after coming out to him, Bo had never, not once, brought home a girlfriend.
Bo tried to assure him that she was fine and not romantically crippled. Because she honestly wasn't. She just wasn't ready to settle down for one person.
He hadn't understood her.
Before his wife had died, she and Trick had been married for thirty years and he told Bo, more than once, that it was the most amazing time of his life.
"Everyone should get to share their life with someone, Ysabeu."
"I'm okay, Grandpa, really."
"I didn't say you're not I just...I want you to think about it, for me? At least let me see a granddaughter in law before I die."
"You're not dying."
"I will, someday. Think about it honey."
That had been two weeks ago. Bo hadn't thought about it, not really. Trick was the strongest person she knew; no way was he dying anytime soon.
And she honestly wasn't in the mood to settle down anytime soon.
She loved her life. Partying every night she felt like it, having any girl she wanted, no ties to anyone but her grandfather; what wasn't to love?
Twelve days after her conversation with Trick, something made her change her mind completely.
She had been having breakfast when the phone rang; Trick wasn't doing so good, he wanted to see her.
She didn't even change before driving two hours to his hours, where she found him in bed, stubbornly refusing the sponge bath his aide wanted to give to him.
He did look older, smaller, not very much like the man who raised her.
He had been happy to see her and before she left, he had asked her, again, for a granddaughter in law.
"I won't be around forever and I just want to meet her before I leave."
She didn't want to hear all that talk of him leaving but all the way home, she had thought of his request.
It wasn't too much, what he was asking for, not to Bo who would do anything for her grandfather.
Plus he was right, he wouldn't be around forever.
It would just be for a while then she would get a divorce.
And besides, she and this 'wife' could come to an arrangement where Bo didn't have to give up her lifestyle.
She'd pay the woman a handsome amount of money, her grandfather would be happy and she'd get to fulfill her grandfather's wish.
Everybody wins.
Now all she has to do is find a wife.
...
It's not as easy as it sounds, this finding a wife business.
First, Bo tries dating sites.
It takes her weeks to find a girl who even remotely appeals to her and when she does find her, she's over the moon.
Her name is Winnie.
She likes doing outdoorsy stuff, eating meat and gives really, really good head.
Her profile picture is that of a cat but Bo doesn't mind. She sends her a message.
Winnie is actually funny and after three conversations Bo is ready to strike a deal with her and they set a date.
She gets there early looking hot as hell and has to wait for Winnie for almost thirty minutes when suddenly a guy, who looks a little lost, comes to talk to her.
"Uh, hi."
By now Bo is pissed and is thinking that she had probably been stood up so she doesn't even look up before telling the guy to get lost.
"Sorry to disturb you. I was just waiting for my date and-"
Bo's neck snaps up.
Her eyes narrow just in case she confused and the guy in front of her is actually a chick with a really deep voice and like, really tiny boobs but no, it's a guy.
He even has a mustache.
"Winnie?"
She asks although she already knows the answer.
He blushes a bit, "actually that was a typing error. I meant to write Willie."
She just stares at him for a second. Trying to gauge if he's serious or she's being fucking pranked in one of those horrible MTV shows. And judging by the fact that he just stands there and no one with cameras comes running from behind the flowers; she concludes that he's serious.
So before she does something crazy, like murder the fuck out of him, which she considers for almost a whole minute, she picks her purse and leaves.
And thus marks the end of her and any and all dating sites.
...
The second thing she tries is calling some of her previous one night stands.
The ones who seemed like in another life time it might have been more than just a roll in the sack.
Some of them don't pick her calls, others pick her calls just to cuss her out, and one of them legit threatens to cut off her vagina if she ever calls her again.
She stops calling after that.
Until one of them calls her.
"Meet me for drinks at Marley's?"
Her name is Mary and from what Bo remembers about her, she's pretty darn hot.
So Bo makes herself up and heads down to Marley's.
Mary is already there and looking hotter than Bo remembers.
They have drinks and before Bo can propose, she's being led to an alley and she doesn't even have to ask what's going to happen.
Things are going well in the alley, they really are and then from nowhere, Mary punches her.
She fucking punches her then goes on with business like nothing happened.
It's straight up from that scene in Carlifonication and Bo has a major black eye the next morning.
She avoids Mary and all the women she has ever had sex with like the damn plague after that.
One black eye is enough.
...
Bo's third, and last resort, is asking for help.
Crystal is the cute girl who works at the coffee shop Bo usually frequents.
Earlier on, when Bo was still new around, she tried to hit on Crystal.
But the girl is apparently straighter than an arrow which is just as well cause now she and Bo are really good friends.
She's actually the only friend Bo has in the whole city.
"Why didn't you tell me before? Crystal practically shrieks when Bo tells her of her dilemma.
"I have a friend who also needs to get married," she explains, "She's got issues with immigration. You two can help each other out."
"I don' know..."
"Come on, Bo! She's gorgeous and nice and funny. Plus she's gay."
Crystal says the last bit like it's the greatest thing ever and Bo smiles a bit though she still isn't sure.
It all seems a little too easy.
"Can I meet her for like coffee or something before I make a decision?"
"You'll meet her in city hall; I'm telling you Bo, she needs to get married like yesterday."
Bo frowns, "I don't know Crys."
Crystal pouts, looking a little hurt, "do you think I'd set you up with a serial killer or something?"
Bo rolls her eyes, "don't be dramatic. You know I don't think that."
"Then why are you refusing? Look, she's my best friend and you'll be helping her out just as much as she's helping you. Plus you won't even have to pay her. All she needs is some help to get her affairs in order and all you need is to please your old man. You two can help each other out."
Bo still looks reluctant.
Crystal sighs.
" Okay, just come to city hall Saturday, with everything you need dressed in something simple and white. Lauren will arrange everything. If you don't like her, you can turn around and leave."
Bo agrees after thinking about it for a while.
It sounds simple enough.
...
Bo knows it's her immediately she sees her although they have never met before.
She's wearing a simple white dress, just like the one Bo is wearing, only longer. Her hair hanging down to her back, curled beautifully. She's effortlessly gorgeous and Bo thinks that if this was a real wedding; she'd be proud to say that is the girl she's marrying.
"Hi, I'm Bo."
Bo introduces herself politely and Lauren considers her for a second then; "you're late."
Bo just stares at her.
She rolls her eyes.
"You're Bo who's late. Now we have to wait another hour before we can go in."She looks at Bo again then looks at the chair beside her, "well, you might as well sit."
"I'm sorry about being late. Traffic was crazy."
Lauren doesn't say anything.
Bo frowns; didn't Crystal say something about this girl being nice?
And where is Crystal anyway?
"She's waiting for Hale, her boyfriend and our other witness downstairs. He's late too."
Lauren, the apparent mind reader, says.
Bo nods and looks around.
It's not much of a place to be married, city hall. If she was into marriages, she'd be disappointed that she's getting married here.
It's a good thing she's doing this for her grandfather who is going to be hella surprised when the next time Bo visits her she isn't a spinster.
Bo hopes Trick likes Lauren.
"Are you nervous?"
The question pulls her out of her thoughts.
She doesn't really know the answer to that. Honestly, short of pleasing Trick, she hasn't given this thing much thought.
She shrugs.
Lauren doesn't prod. Bo likes her a little bit more after that.
...
"Do you want to change our names?"
Lauren asks suddenly, out of nowhere, after many minutes of silence.
The question startles Bo.
"Uh- you mean when we get married?"
She asks lamely.
"No, Bo, I mean when we get hit by a train."
She says seriously and Bo rolls her eyes, "I'd like to keep my name, thank you." Her voice has no softness to it.
Lauren nods and seems to agree with Bo's decision.
"Do you want to kiss and would you prefer not to?" She asks without missing a beat. Like she's asking what flavor of frozen yogurt Bo would like.
"After we get married?"
"When we get married. They're going to tell us that kiss the bride line. We don't have to though," She smiles a smile that make her eyes seem cheeky, "we can say we're saving all the good stuff for after marriage."
Bo finds herself smiling back, "we'll already be married by then." She points out.
Then blond thinks about this for second then smiles again, "honey moon then. We'll say we're saving it for the honey moon."
Bo laughs but before she can say anything back, Crystal who doesn't look at all surprised to see Bo and the guy who must be Hale appear then a pissed looking guy comes to tell them it's their turn.
"Let's go get you two married!" Crystal says happily as they follow the man.
All the while, Bo wonders if when the time comes, Lauren is going to kiss her.
