(I own only plot.)
A/N: This is a story requested by SibunaMockingjay from my House Of More One-Shots, but since I haven't uploaded anything new in a while and this seems like a prompt that could go a long way, I decided it could be a stand-alone. Enjoy. (P.S. Everything in brackets and italics (italics) are Amber's thoughts.
Trigger warning: Self-harm, attempts at suicide, some eating disorders. This is T for a reason.
(Nobody cares about me. I have tried everything. I did my best, but nobody cares. I can't do this much longer.) It was three o'clock in the morning. Amber Millington was curled up on her bright pink duvet, shaking with silent tears. The room was empty, apart from her. Her best friend was staying with Fabian that night. Alfie and Jerome were having a movie night with Mara. Joy and Patricia were hanging out in their room with Eddie and Mick, who had returned to see Mara. Victor was out for the night and Trudy was asleep. Only Amber was alone. She missed her friends, not that they cared any more. They were all off in their own little worlds. But she wasn't a part of these. Amber felt the tears start again and she cried herself to sleep, hearing Joy laugh and say "No, you have to," giggling as Patricia groaned.
The sun woke her just a few hours later, almost blinding her. She got up and went to get ready for the day, smelling the bacon Trudy had only just fried and Amber wanted to rush down and eat it all. She composed herself long enough to take a shower and wax her legs. As she ripped off the wax strip, she caught sight of herself in the mirror. She contemplated her reflection before she noticed her calf muscle. She critically glared at her reflection, picking out little bits of her weight. She weighed herself and it read the same nine stones, three ounces. (I'm fat. I'm ugly. No wonder nobody likes me.) Amber hurriedly dressed, a pair of blue jeans and a pink T-shirt with black flats, her blonde curls in her towel. It took her ten minutes to dry and comb her hair out, then put in her headband. She looked at her diary and saw JUST SMILE blast out in bright colours at her. She walked downstairs and smelled the heavenly breakfast that Trudy had set out and heard her friends chattering away. She remembered what the scales had said and sighed, thinking of the nine stones, three ounces. "Focus, Millington!" Amber chanted under her breath, all set to walk out.
Just as her hand touched the doorknob, a sweet voice called out behind her "Amber? Love, why are you setting off so early? Aren't you having breakfast?"
Amber turned to face her. "Uh, not now, Trudy, I need to get to school quickly, Ms York needs to talk about my part in the play."
"Play?" Trudy asked, looking intrigued. "Sounds good, what's it about?"
"Um, it's a surprise. We'll let you know when we get the okay." Amber smiled, lying through her teeth. She always managed to feel bad when she lied to Trudy. She never felt bad about lying to Victor or her friends, but lying to Trudy was like lying to her mother. "I really have to run now! Bye, Trudy!"
"Wait, love, don't you want a-" SLAM! "- snack to keep you going? Oh, well. She'll be fine until lunch, I hope." Trudy muttered the last bit to herself, worried for Amber. It wasn't like her to skip breakfast.
"Amber, why weren't you at breakfast or lunch today?" Nina questioned her best friend quietly during their math class.
"I was busy with last week's homework." Amber lied smoothly, applying lip gloss in her beauty mirror that she'd disguised in her work folder.
Nina clearly didn't believe her because Amber never did her homework, but just as she was about to say so, their teacher spoke up. "Nina Martin, Amber Millington, is my teaching getting in the way of your stimulating conversation?"
Both girls replied "No, sir."
At the end of class, their teacher called "Ms Millington, a word, please." Amber walked over with her usual air of confidence and smiled.
She gave him a graceful flick of blonde hair and asked in her sugary tone "Yes, sir?"
"Your test results are abysmal. What happened? You used to be good at math."
It was true. Amber had once had a very high score in math. She never told anyone because she didn't want to be called a nerd. "I don't know. I guess it was just a few late nights and too early mornings." She told him, dropping her voice so that nobody could overhear.
"Well, you need to start getting some rest and get yourself back on track, because this will be counting toward your final exams. You can go now."
(You're a failure, Amber. You can't even do math now. You're a wreck. Nobody will ever employ you. You'll never get into a college. Your dad's going to think you're a disgrace. You're useless. Why don't you just die? Nobody will miss you. Nobody even likes you. Stupid, airheaded, lonely, boring Amber.)
"Where's Amber tonight?" Trudy asked, looking around for the familiar blonde with concern. "Nina?"
The American girl looked up from her conversation with Fabian and said "She said she'd had something from the vending machine in school and that she really has to catch up because she's failing math."
"Did she have lunch?" Trudy questioned, putting the signs together and fearing the worst.
"I guess? She must have brought a sandwich or bought something somewhere, because she didn't come to lunch." Nina told the housemother, before returning to her conversation and her meal.
Trudy wasn't pleased that Amber had stopped turning up for meals, but decided not to question it if Amber was actually eating. Meanwhile, the blonde was sat in the bathroom, her razor broken beside her, the blade in her hand dripping red with her blood. Her arm was bleeding, her blood all over her clothes, the floor. She was shaking, feeling sick from the hunger she was experiencing, the blood loss, the lack of sleep. She caught sight of herself in the mirror. (Fat, stupid, ridiculous. Like anyone would care if you dropped down dead.) She pressed the razor blade into her pale, blood-stained arm again.
It'd been a week and Amber was running on water. She told her friends that she'd eaten a big breakfast and had food from the snack machines for later if she got hungry and told Trudy that she'd had a big lunch and got herself some cereal before she'd got downstairs. She weighed herself one morning. Nine stones exactly. She'd lost three ounces, which she wasn't pleased with. She wanted to reach six stones and she believed she could. She walked to the front door when a usually soft voice reached her ears with a sharp "Don't you even touch that door, Amber Millington!"
Amber turned to face the one person in the whole school who had her best interests at heart. "Trudy, look, I love you, but I really have to go, I have early morning math tutoring."
"Oh, really? That's funny, because normally, I get told if one of my students is being tutored before school so that they're well-fed for the day." Trudy told her, her arms folded and her face showing that Amber wasn't getting out of there any time soon.
"I know. I asked Mr Matthews to keep it a secret, because I don't want people thinking I'm stupid." Amber lied again, hating the guilt that tugged at her, feeling like she was betraying Trudy's trust.
Trudy's firm stance and the subtle anger she'd felt at Amber melted away as her words hit. The older woman reached out to hug the blonde and said "You could have trusted me, love. I don't think you're stupid at all." Seconds later, she added "Are you sure you're okay, lovie?"
Amber wanted to break down and cry and confess everything to Trudy, but instead, she straightened up and smiled at her warmly. "Yeah, thanks, Trudes. I'll let you know next time. I really do need to go, because Mr Matthews will want my tutoring session out of the way."
Trudy watched Amber leave and muttered "I know you're not okay, Amber. And I will find out what's wrong."
That night was much the same as it had been for a week. Trudy went to Amber's room with a tray of food and drink for her, hoping she'd be alright. She knocked lightly. "Amber, honey?" She got no reply and walked in, finding the bedroom empty. She placed the tray on the bed and tapped on the bathroom door. "Amber, lovie, are you in there?"
"Yeah, sorry, be out in five." Amber called to the now-terrified housekeeper. Quickly and quietly, Amber scrubbed the blood off the floor and hid her bloodstained clothes in the hole, putting on a bandage and a spare outfit, hiding her wounds from the entire world. She unlocked the door and smiled at Trudy. "Hi. Are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost."
Trudy shook her head and said "I'm fine, love. Now, come in here." She led Amber into the one room she was never allowed into. Trudy pointed at her bed and said "Sit there, don't move."
Amber sat down on Trudy's bed while Trudy left to get something. She looked around and saw creamy walls, a dark brown hardwood floor with a thick cream rug, one picture of a couple Amber assumed were her parents on the bedside table and glossy curtains over the window. The bedspread was a chocolate brown with light cocoa coloured pillows and a neatly placed book on the duvet. When Trudy returned, she didn't let Amber see the tray, just closed the door. Amber said "Trudy, your room is beautiful."
"Thank you, sweetheart." Trudy sat down and put the tray in Amber's lap, then said "Eat that, then I want you to talk."
Amber said "Trudy, as delicious as this looks, I've had a massive lunch and I'm really not that hungry."
Trudy said "Amber, my lovely, you've not touched a bite of food all week and I'm worried about you. Please, for my peace of mind, love, just eat something."
Amber felt guilty about ever scaring Trudy. That was another thing that Amber didn't want right then: Trudy to love her as much as she did. "Trudy, please, I'm full to bursting." Amber begged, wanting to ease Trudy away from it.
"No, Amber. I know you're not. You can't lie to me, I've seen kids starve themselves. Some of them have died from it. I don't want that to be you. Please, Amber, just eat it." Trudy was almost begging now and Amber hated it.
Amber just placed the tray on Trudy's lap. "I'm not hungry. But thank you." She left before Trudy could say anything. It was just a shame that Amber missed the tear that dripped down Trudy's cheek as she looked at the food that could have kept Amber healthy.
That Saturday, everyone was out. Apart from Amber and Trudy. Amber believed that she was alone. She sat on the floor of her bedroom, wearing her stained clothes and holding a carving knife. She cut a vertical line from the heel of her hand to the crook of her elbow, cutting right through her still unhealed cuts all over her arm. "Why should I live? Nobody loves me anyway." She spoke out loud, tears pouring unchecked down her cheeks. She poised the knife for a final, deep cut and said "Goodbye to the world that didn't need me anyway."
Trudy had heard her from Mara, Joy and Patricia's room and she ran in, just in time to shock Amber out of it. "Amber!"
"Trudy?" Amber asked, her voice a broken whisper, choked with tears and unexpressed pain.
"Amber..." Trudy breathed, horrified and hurt by the sight of all the blood and the cuts and the tears pouring down Amber's cheeks. "Oh, my lovely, why did you do this?"
"Because nobody needs me now. Nobody wants me. Nobody loves me. I hate this world. I want to die. I want out. There's no point to my life because I'm nothing if I don't mean anything." Amber choked out, not wanting to talk to Trudy at all.
Her heart breaking to see Amber, the girl who was always so bright and bouncy and happy, bleeding and crying and wishing herself dead on the floor, Trudy went to sit next to her and held her close. "And what if I told you that you're needed and loved and wanted?"
"I'd say you were lying so that it doesn't look bad. But it wouldn't, because nobody actually likes me. They like my clothes, my money. That's it." Amber told her, longing to leave the world and everyone in it, believing it was for the best.
"That's not true. I don't like you for clothes or money. I love you because you're you. You're special, Amber. Nobody could ever cheer someone up like you do. Nobody can ever be such a wonderful friend. And look at all those beautiful scrapbooks you made as gifts for your friends. Look at how good you are at designing. And what about just three weeks ago, when Eddie and Patricia had that row? You talked to them both, you brought them around to seeing how to fix it. And you were the one who got Fabian and Nina together in the first place."
"They would have done it themselves. And nobody likes those scrapbooks. My designs are useless because when I try to make them, they look awful. And I don't cheer anyone up, that's you and Alfie. I'm not special."
Trudy held her more tightly. "You're special to me. I love your scrapbooks, Nina showed me the one you made of you and her and all the best times you've had together. And I've seen your attempts at that dress. It looks lovely and you know it does. Listen, darling, even though you think nobody wants you, there is always someone who loves you and needs you. I love you, Amber. If anything took you away from me, it'd be the worst thing ever. You're like my little girl and I don't want to lose you."
Amber sobbed and turned slightly to bury her face on Trudy's shoulder. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Trudy. You're incredible to me and I don't deserve you. Please can you try to see how bad this is for me?"
"I know. It's awful, my lovely. But please try to see the bigger picture. You have a long life ahead of you and you can't throw that away. Please, darling. If it makes you feel better, I'll bring you downstairs now and get you something to eat."
Amber gave Trudy the knife and let her lead her downstairs. (Trudy loves me. It's not all bad. If she loves me, then it could be bearable.)
And this is the first chapter. SibunaMockingjay, I hope you enjoyed this. And if anyone wants more of this story, let me know in the reviews. Until next time, hugs! C. xx
