Okay, this is just a fanfic to vent out my frustrations from being overly nice to everything and everyone! I'm just looking for an outlet for my silent mean streak that I never show to other people. Please note that I would never do any of these things in real life!

WARNINGS: adult language, violence, and a bitch of an OC

No animals were harmed in the making of this fan fiction

DISCLAIMER: the only thing I own is my OC

Please...no flames...I know he/she is an awful person, but please put up with it, he or she will be going through some much needed character development in later chapters!

...or you know, stay a horrible person forever.

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I woke up slowly, not quite wanting to leave my dreamless sleep.

Something was making a lot unnecessary noise though, and it was getting increasingly annoying.

I lifted one of my arms off of my face to see the annoying source of it.

It was a dog.

An ugly little chihuahua that was yapping away.

I threw my whole body up into a sitting position on the bench that I was laying on.

I stared at the chihuahua and it stared back, never ceasing the barking onslaught.

I yawned loudly and stretched out my entire body.

I raised my arms above my head, tilted my head back, stretched my legs out as far as they could go, curled my bare toes, and twisted my torso to the left.

A satisfying assortment of pops and cracks resounded and then I let myself go limp again.

That thing was still barking.

I gave it another glance before I used my arms to launch myself into a standing position.

I was still a little disoriented so I stumbled on my way over to the dog.

It couldn't see me but it knew I was there.

I had given up trying to find out why only animals seemed to be able to know when I was near and just figured it was some natural 'sixth sense' thingy.

I stopped right in front of the little mutt barking with that high squeaky voice it had.

I glared at it.

Then brought back my leg and whipped it out, kicking it with my bare foot.

It launched at least five feet into the air.

It was so stunned being suddenly attacked by an invisible force that it quit barking for the three seconds it was air born.

It landed with a thump and a yelp.

The chihuahua ran off with its tail between its legs, whimpering and yipping.

I snickered.

Wonder if I should chase that thing and give it a few extra kicks for the road.

I stared after the rat, watching it disappear around a corner.

Nah, it wasn't worth the chase, my back was just killing me!

Note to self: next time choose mattress store to take a nap in.

Ah, it felt like I pulled a muscle when I stretched too.

Eh, I guess I just need to walk it off while going through town.

I smiled at the thought and made my way down the sidewalk to do just that.

I had that kid's movie song still stuck in my head from when I had watched it a week ago.

I was a sucker for cartoon movie villains. They always made me laugh.

I whistled the tune, and sang as I strutted down the sidewalk, hands in my jean pockets.

I'm havin' a bad, bad day

It's about time that I get my way

There was a young couple that consisted of a cute, freckled, red head of a girl and a tall, dark and handsome boy coming up ahead.

The large third eye on my forehead twitched slightly and opened wide.

Oooh, looks like that boys been naughty, his aura was tinted a deep gray which meant that he had really messed up his balance of good and bad.

Right now he was tipping his scale towards the bad side and would end up a cockroach in the next life if he went unpunished.

There was also an oncoming red car about to pass.

I put those two together.

Steamrolling whatever I see

I kept walking and right when I was about to pass him I held out my foot to trip up the tall pretty boy so he would fall just the right way into the street and have a leg or two run over by speeding car. He better hope he breaks both legs, his balance was way off and he needed as much help as possible.

I kept walking ignoring the screech of both the tires and his pretty little girlfriend (whose aura was not that bad) followed by a loud crunch and an agonized scream.

"You're welcome!" I bellowed over to them even though I knew they couldn't hear me.

I grinned.

'Nothin' like helping a person in need.' I thought happily to myself.

Huh, despicable me

Leaving behind the mess that I had just caused (out of the goodness of my heart) for someone else to work out, I started towards the busy town district.

I passed stores without really looking at them, I already knew that I was in the fast food district, but I wasn't hungry. I had eaten a ton of cupcakes right before I had gone to sleep.

I'm having' a bad, bad day

And if you take it personal, that's okay

I walked straight through whoever happened to step in my path, occasionally pushing some people down to skin their hands or knees to help them atone for some minor misdeeds.

Ah, the joy of being able to only touch for the purpose of my job...Sarcasm, learn it and use it well my friends.

When I passed a particularly bad aura of a man with slicked back hair, wearing a business suit and talking rather loudly into a blue tooth, I immediately wanted to pick on him.

Watch, this is so fun to see

I very sleekly reached into his back pocket that held his larger than average wallet and pulled it out. I didn't bother to look inside, I just threw it into a passing sewer drain under the sidewalk.

Ah, despicable me

It might seem messed up for me to judge people based only on their aura, but I had learned a long time ago not to question the system.

The system had a rule of 'no questions asked' and I intended to use it to do my job forever, otherwise Karma would get pissed.

I still do mess up with her a lot though.

I can't remember how many times that woman has chewed me out for being unfocused or sleeping on the job. But I guess I can't really blame her for that.

Karma's only a bitch if you are.

Speaking of which, I probably should have been back to the temple hours ago.

Crud.

Okay, since I'm already screwed let's make her inevitable punishment for me less by doubling my quota for the day!

Instead of 425 'judged ones' let's make it 850! I pulled out my little transportation charm from my jeans and swung it in front of my face, back and forth by its thin gold chain.

The jobs that I liked the most where the punishment ones, the rewarding jobs were okay, but a lot less entertaining and harder to complete.

I was looking for quick easy jobs to make it look like I wasn't just fooling around on my shift, "Hmmm, where are the most likely punishment jobs that are quick and easy?" I asked the charm that held a small dark blue crystal orb in a gold lining to keep it in place.

The orb swirled with a gold liquid for a moment before coming up with the places name.

New Orleans.

GOD, I love that place! It was my favorite punishment place to visit, so festive. I laughed and dropped the charm onto the sidewalk ground. As soon as it hit the concrete a large gaping hole of black and white wisps opened. The charm now floated above the hole waiting for me to retrieve it, which I did. I very gently placed it back into my pocket and stepped over the edge of the teleportation hole.

"WOOOOHOOOO!"

I never got tired of this part. I screamed loudly so I could hear myself over the rushing wind whipping at my face.

My eyes watered from the wind drying them out, but I still was able to see the white light below me approaching quickly.

I had to be ready for this or I would fall flat on my ass or face. This is the part I hated about the travelling charm hole, the sudden turn of equilibrium that would probably have most untrained karma apprentices struggling to keep their lunch down.

As soon as I was falling through the hole of light, I was being thrown up into the air. With practiced moves, I shifted my body to match the new equilibrium and landed on my feet in a crouch.

Yep, I'm a F.I.G.J.A.M' meaning...

Fuck I'm good! Just ask me.

I did a quick intake of my surroundings. I was in one of the many alleyways of New Orleans.

I cracked my neck to the side and popped my knuckles.

Alright! Let's get down to business.


I finished in under an hour, which by the way almost beats my record of 50 jobs in 45 minutes.

Damn, I'm good.

It was getting dark out and knowing karma, she would still be pretty pissed about my absence. I better just get this over with.

I made a move to reach for my teleportation charm but was unable to when I was suddenly yanked off of my feet by my collar.

What the hell?

I was too shocked to move or respond before I was shoved into a rough brown sack and encased in darkness.

How in the hell did I get stuffed in a sack!? I was a fucking spirit for Christ's sake, how did this fucker even manage to see me let alone touch me?

Oh fuck...another spirit.

Of course it was a spirit.

Because spirits capture other spirits all the time, right?

NO they did NOT! The hell was going on here!

After a moment I did scream, I screamed every curse word that came to mind

"You mother f******, c*** licking, s*** swallowing, a** eating, b**** a** p**** virgin!-" Okay, despite the contradictions of what I just said it was the best I could think of. Sadly the words 'let me go' did not even occur in my mind of 'things to say'.

The bag I was in was suddenly lifted off of the ground and dropped just as quickly.

I landed in a painful way.

"AH! For fucks sake! You just crushed my goddamn my taaaaail!" I groaned out in agony.

"That is no way for lady such as yourself to talk." said a heavy Russian accent.

"F*** your grandmother!" I scream so loudly and shrill that my lungs ached. I felt myself being thrown. Oh crap, this was gonna hurt.

Thump

Okay, that hurt but not as bad as I thought it would.

No tail no foul.

I scrapped and clawed for an exit as panic set in, which was not that hard considering I had claws for fingernails. Yeah, weird to some but every karma assistant had a weird appearance. I had blue skin, orange hair, and a third eye on my forehead, and I was what was considered normal back at the temple.

I quickly shredded through the itchy and dry cloth and pushed myself through the opening I had made.

I scrambled into a crouch and my third eye was wide open, staring down the opposing threat. I was absolutely livid. My tail which I usually kept wrapped around my leg to keep it out of the way, slivered out of my pant leg and out into the open, it was five feet long, skinny, and hairless but it was also strong, quick, and sharp enough to cut through steel.

Taking in my surroundings I first caught sight of my captor. It was a big gray 'Dr. Suess' looking thing. I hissed at it and waited for an attack. When it didn't show any signs of it, I made the first move and lunged at it, teeth bared and ready to scratch its eyes out.

I would have made it too, if a big hand hadn't of grabbed me by my flimsy white t-shirt and hoisted me three feet off of the ground. Again.

"Calm yourself little naughty one!" An even thicker Russian accent voice bellowed.

Wait, I knew that nick name...oh no, not North!

I ceased my struggle and hung limply in his grasp. My third eye slowly closed as I slowly turned around to face the giant bearded man.

He was looking at me with those 'you're in trouble young lady' eyes.

Heh, go figure.

I really didn't think that Karma would actually go through with her threat of 'next time you run off on your shift, I will send someone to get you'

She just had to send dear Old Nick instead of a retrieval assistant didn't she?

Well, I guess it made a little sense. I mean, I was always able to avoid retrieval assistants whenever they were sent after me.

Nick however, she knew that I wouldn't dare fight against that burly man.

Jolly, my ass.

Nick and karma were close friends and always in touch, which is trouble for me because old Saint Nick always gets me in trouble for the secret 'naughty' things that I do whenever I'm aloud out of the temple. I always wondered how he always knew about every 'mean-spirited' things I did.

Not like he had a realmagic list, right? That would be the creepiest invention ever.

'I know every single bad thing you've ever in your entire life'

...like I said, creepy.

Yep, don't want to get on this guy's bad side.

Hm, back to the point.

Did he really have to stuff me in a sack? I mean, come on.

I thought about it for a moment. Yeeeah, he did have to do that actually. I wouldn't have fought him, but I sure as hell would have ran away.

"Heeeeeeeeey Nickolas, how ya' been? Good? I was just on my way back to the temple. Got any messages for karma? You know how she loves hearing from ya'. So if you could just let me down, that would be greeeeat." I said as I blinked all three of my eyes imploringly. He was a spirit too so I couldn't see his karma balance, but it would probably be pure white.

Goody-two-shoes and all that.

His glare didn't lighten up "Karma told me you are very late returning to temple, you were slacking off again weren't you, little naughty one," he said while placing me back onto the ground "and what is it that you are wearing?" He added.

I righted my shirt that had ridden up my belly when I was finally on the ground.

Ugh, the collar was stretched beyond repair.

Oh well.

I snapped my fingers and my jeans and white shirt faded away to my usual attire that consisted entirely of gold. The headset wrapped around my head connected to my ruby encrusted earrings. And my many gold chain necklaces hung low enough to cover my chest. A golden sash hung low on my hips and was held up only by mini gold chains. Large bracelets adorned both of my wrists and ankles and were encrypted with the Karma sign of equality.

This outfit was decorated with the ancient equality sign all over actually.

Basically it was the circle of black and white, Good and bad, proof of my allegiance and loyalty to the man in the moon as well as Karma.

I hated this outfit.

After a while you just get tired of wearing the same old thing that covers almost nothing.

I looked up at North and did a little spin.

"Happy now?" I asked sweetly.

He gave a small nod, "Karma would not be very pleased to find that you have not followed dress code."

I tensed. I had been warned about dress code about 300 times throughout the century and each time I was caught I was severely punished.

I scampered up to north and fell to my knees dramatically. I gripped his velvet robe and forced a couple of fake tears out of my eyes. "Oh, please North (sniffle) I would be put in an isolation box for a century if you tell her, I th-thought you c-cared more about me, I-I thought….you were better than that." I gave him the best 'puss in boots eye's' I could possibly muster.

His glare seemed to falter as he took in my tearful and nearly hysterical appearance, but then his gaze turned harder as something seemed to occur to him.

"You kicked puppy earlier, yes?" he asked me.

Well, it didn't really sound like a question, more like an accusation.

I lifted my hands up in a thinking gesture and put my fingers to my lips "define 'kick'." I said.

He shook his head at me and a couple of cookie crumbs from his beard fell onto my cheek. I blew them off.

I then tried to argue my case "That thing wasn't a puppy, I thought it was a hairless rat! I swear!" okay, I knew it was a dog but it sure as hell looked like a rat.

He looked at me doubtfully but finally his gaze softened and he uncrossed one tattooed arms and patted me on the head. "Alright little naughty one, I give you one more chance, then I tell karma." he said sternly.

YES! I lived off of the saying 'one more chance'. All I had to do was wait until they forgot about the 'one more chance' that they gave me last time to screw up again.

I removed his hand from the top of my head and shook it gratefully "You won't regret it, I promise North!"

I reached for my teleporting charm that now hung attached to my sash and unhooked it from its place.

North stopped me though "Tut-tut little naughty one, Karma's specific instruction is to send escort for you back to temple, to make sure you face punishment, I hear rumor from messenger that you face the 'Punishment of a thousand lines' " He said.

I froze.

The punishment of a thousand lines?

No fucking way.

She wouldn't.

Not for something like being late coming back from a shift.

But…..well…I guess I have been…screwing up a lot lately….and…

….oh shit.

I can't go back.

I seriously can't go back! Not now at least.

'The punishment of a thousand lines' was code for 'a thousand spiked lashes from a whip across your back'

This was an ancient punishment used only for the truly rebellious and dangerous assistants working under karma.

It was some torture that was supposed to hold unfathomable agony.

A punishment to literally whip some sense into apprentices.

No way was I going to go and face it.

I glanced at north.

He was a nice guy and probably didn't know what this meant, which meant that he also didn't know how suddenly desperate I was to get away.

I mentally calculated my chances in escape.

If I were to just whip out my teleporting charm and try to jump into the hole, it would take too long and I would get caught. It took at least 3 for the portal to open up and that was time I did not have.

Plus I needed time to set coordinates for my destination.

Crap! What should I do? Fuckfuckfuckity fuckfuck! RUN!

That's right, I could always run!

Making up my mind, I did a casual once over of the workshop to find an exit.

I saw one.

It looked as though it led into his private corridors and the doors were at the other side of the workshop.

Damn, how could I make it that far without being caught?

And at that exact moment, I saw a dopey looking elf walk by.

I would have to thank fate later.

Without giving it a second thought I snatched up the elf by my tail and bolted towards the wall.

All working in the shop ceased and it was silent in the room.

I held the elf by its small neck and spoke in a clear and loud voice "If anyone so much as moves or makes a peep, the elf gets it!" My adrenaline was pumping. Shit. what if this didn't work?

North looked shocked and I took advantage of that. I snatched my charm off of my sash and whispered the coordinates so no one else would hear them and follow me. Then I dropped the charm to the ground, still firmly holding the now blue faced elf.

When the teleporting hole was open I jumped in and threw the elf as high as I could into the air, towards the middle of the room so everyone could focus on catching it, rather than me.

They didn't disappoint.

The last thing I saw before I was all the way through the portal was all of them, yetis, elves, and Santa's alike, scrambling to catch him.

The rush of the wind and adrenaline pumping through my veins only added to my exhilarated feeling.

The light was coming up ahead and I braced myself for the shift in gravity.

I landed perfectly just like always.

But damn was it cold.

I wrapped my tail around me in a sad attempt to warm myself or to keep the freezing snow from touching my skin.

It really didn't help.

Why was it so damn cold in Washington all of a sudden? I mean, yeah it's December, but c'mon, can't I catch a break?

I couldn't go anyplace warm because the recon apprentices would expect that, they knew my favoritism of sandy beaches and expensive hotel rooms.

I was already starting to regret my place of hiding though.

I looked around and realized that I had ended up in the middle of a large neighborhood.

It must have been a friendly district judging from all of the houses which were covered in bright Christmas light. Literally every single one of them.

It made slightly hesitant to intrude on one of them.

Whatever, now was not the time to be picky! And so, shivering, I chose the house I saw with the least lights and ran over to it.

'I am not a creepy stalker, just forget about the family upstairs, you're just a temporary house guest'I assured myself.

I mean Jesus, I could see my own breath and my whole body felt like it was being pricked by a thousand cold needles.

I couldn't die of Ammonia, but that didn't mean I wanted to sleep in the snow.

This was why I hated my outfit, too revealing to the elements.

Once I reached the house I didn't stop and ran straight through the brick wall, thankful for my ability to phase through them.

I sighed in relief once I was finally inside and enveloped in the warmth of the house. I was currently in the living room that had a conveniently seated love sofa right in front of a blazing fire place.

I almost screamed in terror when I saw a flash of red robes from the corner of my eye.

NORTH!

OH, sweet mother of Mary, it was just a man dressed in a Santa outfit! Phew, scared the piss out of me.

I eyed the man who was currently having a heavy make out session with a pretty little blonde (probably his wife) while wearing a fake white beard and long red robes. They were leaning against the overly decorated Christmas tree with a ton of presents beneath it.

My third eye was shut so I had the right to assume that these were pretty decent people.

But seriously, what was with people? Was this some type of sex thing? Does this woman get off on the thought of banging Santa claus? Well, that's 2014 for you.

I made my way over to the loveseat and sat in front of the fire to try and thaw out.

I ignored the sounds of face sucking and decided to stay here for the night. I liked the aura of the house despite the kinky couple behind me.

I stared at the fire crackling and dancing. I wondered how it could cause so much damage, and yet stay so bright and pure.

Lucky.

One hundred years. One hundred fucking years I had been working as a lousy assistant for karma, and for what?

A whipping of a life time? I had never asked for much. Just a little freedom.

I have the right to complain! It wasn't my fault I turned out this way. Karma had made me from scratch, personally, which was rare. She had given me my personality, my looks, even my rebellious attitude.

But what she had conveniently left out was a gender, a soul, and a name.

I had none of these.

She had said that I would have to earn them through my actions.

Funny right? Considering that she's the one who fucking MADE this way.

'I wonder if they have any scotch in here' I thought wryly.

After rummaging through the cabinets I found out that they did. And it was the expensive stuff.

YAY!

I grabbed the bottle and gulped half of it down before I even made it back over to the couch.

My alcohol tolerance had grown strong over the long years of drinking, to the point where I had to drink ridiculous amounts of alcohol just to feel buzzed.

Good thing scotch was strong.

I plopped back down and let the fiery liquid blaze a trail down my throat.

I was feeling kind of bad for screwing over good ol' Nick like I did,

Probably should have handled it a little better than I had.

I lifted the bottle up into the air, slurred out a "TO NICKY!" and downed the rest of it.

It took about four minutes for my buzz to turn into a full a drunken state.

Some of the bits and pieces I remember about that night include me standing on top of the couch and singing at the top of my lungs "I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus" and "Merry freaking Christmas" and then crying because I knew no one could hear me…yeah… I'm a sad drunk.

But hell, I should be depressed, Karma was bound to find me sooner or later, and me running away has probably made my situation ten times worse.

Stupid spirits.

Mmmm, what would Man in the Moon have to say about my behavior?

Nothing good probably.

Yep, here I am, drunk off my ass and lying face down on the carpet of a stranger's home.

I sighed into the soft rug.

Maybe in the morning things would be better.

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